Author's Note

Welcome to the world of motherfucking midgets and (untranslatable)! Today, we have a new story concerning the Juggernaut’s ongoing misadventures in Equestria, with a brand new battle for him in the form of other members of the Mane Six. While on Earth, somebody who’s dealt with him before gets exiled into Equestria after deciding that the Danger Room’s ability to give 3-D hologram games of Grand Theft Auto wasn’t good enough…

The Trial of Beast

Now in this Universe, mutants actually have achieved a relative level of acceptance in the world, now they’re just another ethnic group, and while there’s bigotry against them (but seriously, in what part of the world is there no bigotry?) it isn’t really commonplace or widespread like in decades past.
But in more recent days, the gang known as the X-Men has been terrorizing anyone stupid enough to be around with bizarre, often illegal and depraved antics. Among all the gangs/groups of morally ambiguous superheroes of the modern age, they are among the most notorious…because of their bald headed leader, Charles Xavier.
Most the people who attack mutants (not including the Juggernaut) generally did so specifically because of the X-Men (AKA the X-Hoes, the X-Motherfuckers, and ‘Charles Xavier’s Giant mob of Reprobates’.)
You see, Charles Xavier’s dream wasn’t to bring equality to the Mutant Race, but rather just to get lucky with babes internationally and proclaim himself the baddest motherfucker on the world…which was incredibly difficult since the Juggernaut claims this as well, even though there’s a lot of people who deserve that title better.
Now who achieved the peace mutants now have? Why the answer is obvious! It was the most badass dude who ever lived…Theodore Roosevelt with the assistance of Nikola Tesla and Kamina. But this is a story for some other time.
The story in question here takes place within a New York courtroom, where the X-Man known as Beast was currently in an embarrassing pickle…

~

“Let me reassure you Mr. Vericon, I have a perfectly fucking good explanation for all of this.”
The judge, the honorable Louis Vericon, crossed his arms; he didn’t believe this at all.
“Then explain to me why, after a twelve hour impromptu demolition derby otherwise known as you fucking up the Manhattan streets in a massive car chase, caused millions of dollars worth of damages, caused the deaths of three police officers, literally had the backseat of your car filled to the brim with drugs, were driving drunk while completely naked, and had five dead hookers in the trunk?!”
In case you weren’t about to figure this out, Beast was in the process of digging himself deeper and deeper into his own shit.
“Yeah, see me, Wolverine, Cyclops, and Steve Mongul McMicheals were partying up in the penthouse of Bolivar Trask while he was away doing business and shit…”
“Which directly violates your restraining order” the judge growled.
“Bitch, it’s just a damn piece of paper, why the Hell’d you order that anyway?!”
“I don’t know who the fuck taught you, but it’s generally considered a criminal offense…” Vericon took a deeper breath “WHEN YOU KILL SOMEONE’S PETS AND STICK THEM IN THEIR BED!!!”
“You couldn’t prove that was me.”
“YOU WROTE ‘BEAST IS NUMBER ONE’ ON HIS WALL…WITH YOUR FECES!”
“Oh, well that was a dare.”
The judge groaned “And how many times do I have to tell you, dares are not admissible excuses for wrongdoings, especially not in a court of law.”
“You didn’t say that when I was brought in here last month for fucking an ostrich.”
“That’s because I wasn’t about to dignify your bullshit with a response.”
“Well whatever. Anyways, me, Cyclops, Wolverine, and Steve Mongol McMicheals were in that Trask bitch’s penthouse, snorting coke off of the asses of hookers and listening to Gangsta Crizzab. Suddenly, Wolverine gets a raging stiffie, and-”
“Just get to the goddamn point!”
“Well, Steve Mongol McMicheals dared me to go and reenact Grand Theft Auto in real life by stealing a car, driving through town like a nude midget with a stiffie after he’s snorted a metric ton of cocaine and bath salts, robbing a drug dealer and bringing the stuff back so we can snort everything, and bring back some more hookers after dumping the other ones ‘cause they died from overdoses…”
The judge rolled his eyes “And why am I not surprised?”
“Because I’m magnificent, motherfucker” Beast bragged “Now like I was saying, they also wanted me to do the whole thing buck ass naked. And then I went out, giving some old broad a heart attack after she saw the anaconda stretching himself out…”
“Which also makes you guilty of even more manslaughter.”
“Nah, it couldn’t have possibly been me, the bitch you found was a gook, I gave the heart attack to some Korean broad.”
The judge shook his head, he heard the police caught him smoking crack when it was time for his trial…but at the time they didn’t think it was enough to impede the trial.
But now this guy was making such an absolute hash of his own defense, it wasn’t even fair.
“Then” Beast continued “I went right into a parking garage and bitchsmacked some asshole in the tollbooth with my dick, and knocked the motherfucker right down. Then I stole myself a hummer and I went off to get the tasks done. And I’d have gotten to the hookers too, if I hadn’t been pulled over by your boys, the fucking assholes.”
“I don’t think they’re in the wrong…because last time I checked, it’s legal to pull somebody over after they literally destroy at least three streets using only a hummer and five guns…how the fuck did you do that anyways?”
“Trade secret bitch! Now what I got in mind is that I will make a deal with you, you let me go, and I won’t go into your house and rape you at the stroke of midnight.”
The judge’s eyes narrowed, he knew it was just Trask’s own bias that suggested this punishment, but Beast obviously wouldn’t change his mind on crime and…being a total degenerate pervert anytime soon.
So he had no choice, they had to use…Advanced discipline.
“Alright you furry little bitch; I’ve been lenient on you fucking mutants for years, hoping you’d finally stop being a bunch of goddamn assholes. But now, I see it’s time for stern measures.”
“By stern measures, you mean let me go and give me a penis pump, a zebra, and a big bag of weed, right?”
“Not even close, jackass.”
“Then can I at least get buck ass naked, and recite the Pledge of allegiance upside down, while I’m stroking my dick?”
“…What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Man I’m a bastard child! You think my dad was happy to see mom give birth to a fucking monkey dude? What the Hell did she fuck anyways?”
“…That was a rhetorical question.”
“Is that a fetish na-”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” The judge roared.
Beast finally shut his trap, even he could tell he was about to get fucked…and not in a fun way.
“In light of this and your prior arrests, convictions, and the fact you still haven’t applied for official US Citizenship-”
“Well ‘scuse me, with all the drugs I do, I keep forgetting to take that motherfucking test.”
The Judge continued nonchalantly “I hereby sentence you to be exiled to a parallel Earth that has MUCH better rehabilitation practices.”
Beast’s eyes widened as suddenly a large Ray machine appeared…and it was the exact same kind that warped the Juggernaut into Equestria.
“Oh fu-” ZAP!
And with that, Beast was thrown into another universe…which happened to be Equestria. As you could have guessed.
What? You were expecting it to send him to Jasper’s Warp or something? This ain’t a Captain Britain crossover.

~

And now, we’ve come back to Equestria, where Applejack and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are returning from Sweet Apple Acres. “Oh thank Celestia” Applejack panted “We aren’t too late!”
“Too late for what? The party tonight?”
Applejack and the aforementioned foals quickly screeched to a halt as Pinkie Pie somehow appeared right behind them, hopping along merrily.
“Pinkie Pie- Where’d you come from?”
“When a daddy pony and a mommy pony love eachother very much…”
“Never mind that” Applejack hurriedly shut, cutting Pinkie off “Look-”
“There’s a giant two legged monster stomping towards Ponyville!” Apple Bloom hurriedly yelled out, cutting Applejack off.
“He was incredibly rude, he threatened to beat us, attacked Applejack…and he smashed Scootaloo’s scooter against a tree!” Sweetie Belle added.
Scootaloo scowled a bit as she remembered what the Juggernaut did “And he kept talking on and on about how he wanted to fuck a penguin. What’s fuck mean anyway? I don’t have a clue!”
“Sounds awful” Pinkie Pie agreed, still retaining her cheerful expression “What’s he call himself?”
Applejack began “He calls himself-”
“THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH!” roared said monster as he yelled at the top of his lungs somewhere in the woods.
Suddenly an anchor flew right out of the sky and landed right into Daisy’s flower shop across the street, totally demolishing it.
Pinkie Pie and Applejack looked on as Daisy and her friends Lily Valley and Roseluck, who were just outside chatting, suddenly screeched out in horror and began running around screaming “The Horror, the horror.”
But really, was that really such a surprise? They screamed this pretty much all the time…there’s a good reason they were often nicknamed ‘the screamers.’
But double entendres aside, let’s get back to the meat of the matter.
Pinkie Pie gasped at the sight of the anchor “Hey! That’s my anchor…I was going to use it to have a sailor party!”
“Uh, Pinkie-”
The pink furred party pony just trotted right over to the dinged anchor and sniffled as she looked at it “Alas poor anchor, I knew him very little. I’d only just bought him from that old sea captain too.”
Applejack’s eyes rolled, even in a time of crisis, Pinkie was still Pinkie, but somepony had to bring her back down to Earth.
“Listen Pinkie, you can grieve over the anchor later, we got a serious problem on our hooves.”
“B-but I haven’t even planned its funeral yet!”
“Pinkie, it’s just slightly dinged, I don’t think burying it’s what we have to do.”
“Then let’s get it to a hospital” Pinkie suggested.
“Hospit-” Applejack groaned as she facehoofed, Pinkie was a good friend but she could often be very hard to reason with.
Applejack put a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder (do horses have those? I’m confused…oh well, ignore it anyways, just an idle thought) and began “Pinkie, do you know what this monster tried-”
She suddenly caught herself as she remembered that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were nearby, and she didn’t think they were old enough to be explained what ‘rape’ was, and what the Juggernaut meant by ‘Fucking penguins.’ (The word might sound different, but Applejack realized that when he said fuck, he meant buck.)
She turned to Apple Bloom “Uh, Apple Bloom, could you get Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo and find Twilight, Rarity and the others?”
The foals were a bit confused “But we wanna tell Pinkie what we were doing to help!” Apple Bloom complained.
“That Juggernaut was weird” Sweetie Belle agreed “I couldn’t even understand half the stuff he said.”
“And he didn’t feel that tree we smashed into him.” Scootaloo growled, rubbing her hooves together as she grumbled about this.
“I- You-” Applejack stammered a few seconds before catching herself “Look, you can tell them the story, I have to fill Pinkie in on this and I need you to help, I don’t think Rainbow Dash would want to be left out of this.”
At the mention of her idol, a smile spread out onto Scootaloo’s face “Of course! C’mon girls!”
The tiny winged Pegasus began to gallop off to find Rainbow Dash, her friends came to the same realization and ran off to find Rarity, Twilight (not the book, that shit’d be horrible), Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.
Applejack sighed in relief, she had to explain to Pinkie Pie just why the Juggernaut was such a menace.
“Pinkie” Applejack began “This motherbucker tried to rape me!”
Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened at this “And” Applejack continued “He had a bunch of ridiculously depraved fetishes; he kept on talking about stuff like fucking penguins while having jello thrown at his nuts, and using a penis pump. He even spoke about this around the foals.”
Pinkie’s eyes grew even wider at this “He also tried to kill me after I smashed him into mah apple trees in retaliation for trying to rape me! I’d have been thrown to the Moon if the Cutie Mark Crusaders hadn’t shot your anchor out of your spare Party Cannon and blasted him into the woods!”
Pinkie gasped “So that’s how he got my anchor!”
“Wh- You’re still concerned for the anchor?!”
Pinkie shook her head no “Nah, I was just curious, it’s mean to ruin another pony’s things but it’s even meaner to try and force yourself on somepony when they don’t wanna be bucked.”
Applejack sighed, finally she got the message.
“So now it’s time for a pony to do what somepony’s gotta do.”
“And whatta you gotta do?”
“What I do best…I’m going to throw him a party!”
Applejack’s jaw dropped as she registered just what her friend had said “A-are you serious?! He almost raped me and you wanna throw a party for him?!!”
“Well yeah!” She replied “It’s going to be a great party, but I don’t think he’s going to enjoy it very much.”
“…What kind of party are we having here?”
“A flank kicking party!”

MEANWHILE, AT RAINBOW DASH’S HOUSE…

Rainbow Dash lazily lounged down in her nice, fluffy cloud bed…which was exactly what it sounded like.
She’d had a nice long day of cleaning the skies, and she felt like taking a good nap so she could prepare for more awesome cloudbusti-
“What the fuck is this shit?!” Bellowed a voice from the nearby ground “It looks like a Goddamn whipped cream fetishist’s wet dream!”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes cracked open, somepony just insulted her house, and she was gonna be damned if she let the guy get away with it.
She stretched herself and got out of her bed, then trotted right over to her window, she was going to give whatever colt just insulted her house a piece of her mind.

~

The Juggernaut was pissed off…no surprise there, his general attitude is so foul it’s like he’s constantly high on bath salts or some shit.
He’d finally walked right out of the woods, and was now staring at what looked like a large house made outta clouds.
And he was just giving his opinion on it, which was what woke Rainbow Dash up.
“I ain’t seen shit like this since me, the Hooka Smoking Caterpillar and the Nyan Cat smoked that grilled cheese opium while Pretty Tony googlewhacked to Monty Python and Dennis Frogman threw ostriches at pigs.”
The Juggernaut couldn’t help but admit it was pretty big and it would have taken a motherfucker a while to make it.
And that is exactly why he was going to destroy it.
The Juggernaut casually uprooted a nearby tree, and was about to throw it-
“What the hay do you think you’re doing?!” Rang out the very pissed off voice of yet another female horse.
Juggie looked right up and saw Rainbow Dash’s angry face glaring right down at him, she didn’t even flinch at the sight of him holding a tree up over his head.
But that didn’t matter to the Juggernaut, he had some plans of his own, he could have just thrown the tree at her, but here he had yet another horse in front of him, and it was a girl too.
‘Time to step up my game’ the Juggernaut chuckled inside.
“Btich, I was only talking ‘bout how shitty this house is while I exercised with this motherfucking tree and shit…your man around? I gotta show you something that’s thirteen inches long and the greatest thing you’ve ever seen, you wanna guess what it is?”
“My hoof up your flank!” Rainbow Dash growled “I saw you about to throw that tree at my house!”
Juggernaut’s eyes widened “That’s your house? Damn ‘ho! You don’t know anything about house design, where’s the rims? Where’s the lube shower? Where’s the automatic yak circumciser?”
Rainbow Dash’s anger was not dampened at all, but she was a bit confused by this “Why would a house have rims? Those belong on carts!!!”
“Babe, I don’t give a damn, I need you to come down here and give me your pussy.”
Now Rainbow Dash was just confused “I don’t own a cat.”
“Pussy ain’t a motherfucking cat!” The Juggernaut roared “It was bad enough when those three child midget horses thought the same thing! When will you jackasses finally realize that pussy means vagina!”
Now Rainbow Dash understood completely what kind of pussy he meant and her eyes widened to the size of plates, before turning back to a look of anger.
“We just met! You stupid human fool!”
“Human? How the Hell do you know about that?!”
She suddenly looked startled and her eyes quickly looked back and forth “Uh, I don’t, and I don’t read dorky fantasy books either, except Daring Do.” (Unbeknownst to the Juggernaut, Rainbow Dash used one of her hindlegs to quickly push a box containing books from the “Chronicles of Humanestria” series by Gino Heartstrings underneath her bed.)
“Whatever bitch, the point is, only YOU can prevent forest fires, and the best way to prevent forest fires is by raping the shit outta zebras!”

~

Zecora had been walking nearby in the woods to try and find a rabbit who’d stolen one of her size growing potions, and was well in earshot of the Juggernaut.
The zebra’s face grew into one of pure surprise, and after shiftily looking to her left and right to make sure she wasn’t being watched…she ran like Hell.

~

Rainbow Dash angrily crossed her hooves “That doesn’t even make sense at all!”
“Well I don’t give a shit” the Juggernaut sneered “Now get down here and suck mah dick.”
“Hay no.”
“Well bitch, you gotta lick my toes or something, remember, you can give me what I want or I can just ta-”
POW!
Quicker than the eye could perceive, a very pissed off Pegasus leapt right out of her window and used her wings to propel her at the Juggernaut like a rocket, smashing into his helmet with her hooves.
But she’s attacking the Goddamn Juggernaut, Bitch! Doesn’t she know he’s impervious?
Well she does now!
As she smashed into the Juggernaut, Rainbow Dash bounced right off of him and flew backwards into a bunch of trees.
The Juggernaut’s smugness swelled three sizes that day.
“Ha! Bitch, don’t you know who you’re fucking with? I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch! I custom made this suit from motherfucking wool! See my helmet?!”
“Your helmet looks like horseapples” Rainbow Dash growled as she got back up onto her hooves.
The Juggernaut snorted in anger “To Hell with you then, I ain’t gonna fuck you, I’m just gonna kick your ass!”
“Bring it on!” Rainbow Dash smirked, rushing at Juggernaut with even more speed than before.
The Juggernaut stood his ground and readied his pimp hand.
“Come and get fucked up bitch!” He roared as he somehow managed to time himself well enough to deliver a powerful backhand pimp slap to Rainbow Dash, sending her flying off even faster…in a very different ‘direction’ right back into town.

~

Scootaloo was galloping to Rainbow Dash’s house as quickly as she could, she had to tell her about the Juggernaut, she just had to.
Rainbow Dash would be so pleased to hear how she and her friends helped fight the Juggernaut.
As her dreams of Rainbow Dash’s admiration grew and grew, suddenly she wound up seeing Rainbow Dash…flying right at her.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!” The rainbow maned Pegasus yelled out while continuing to fly through the air as an impromptu cannonball, thrown about by a giant human who pimp smacked her thrown through the air with the greatest of ease.
Scootaloo’s eyes widened as her idol flew by her…and then she broke out in a shudder as she heard, off in the distance, a familiar voice yell “Aw yeah bitch! You done got fucked up by the Goddamn Juggernaut Bitch!”
Scootaloo realized that Rainbow Dash had already ‘met’ the Juggernaut and she needed herself some help.
“Hang on Rainbow Dash” she yelled, galloping back towards her mentor, determined to save her.
And what else have they to deal with? They’ve got something almost as perverted as the Juggernaut to deal with…

SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS…

“-ck” Beast cried out as he suddenly teleported right into the deep reaches of the Everfree Forest.
The blue furred mutant blinked “Where the fuck am I? This doesn’t look like an advanced society to me!”
Suddenly a thought occurred to him “Fucker must have been a dud, I’m free as a bird!”
The Beast began to perform a cartwheel “Hahaha! Time to go fuck, bitches! My dick’s longer than a gorilla’s arm.”
Clearly, somepony is going to have their han- I mean, hooves full.