First Equestrian Problems!

To Whom It May Concern:

I fucking hate the cold. It makes me so angry when I have to go outside, use my magic to toss off the damned heavy snow from my roof. It always gives me a more severe headache every time I do it.

I also hate the fucking bigots in Canterlot. Those guys fucking suck. All they do is prance around and say “Oh good day to you, sir.” while I grumble and mumble because I’m going to a “peasant’s marketplace”.

I also despise those royal marshmallows you call Royal Guards. Those fucks couldn’t even defend a fly from penetrating your airspace. It’s like they’re statues, waiting for some bird to piss on them from above. I hope that happens soon, that would make my day.

I also despise Princess Twilight Sparkle. Every Canterlot Elite talks about her like she’s made of money. She, apparently, gives funds to those who promise to give twenty-five percent of their profits to local orphanages in Canterlot. It’s fucking stupid. Those money-hungry penny-pushing, self-centered, ignorant, huffy-puffy, defiling little wenches, they sicken me. All they want is Twilight’s hoof on their business, so that they can profit big time. People eat that shit up like its the end of the world.

I also despise dubstep. For some reason, that scratchy bullshit got on top of the world, while the heavy metal bands and rock artists got their asses hoofed so hard, that they couldn’t stand up for a week. I mean, how the hell is that entertaining? Sounds that sound like a griffon attempting to write on chalkboard. I can’t even bear the fact that these sounds of ‘music’ get high record listings while these rockstars barely get any recognition.

I also despise those snooty mares at the club. They always bring those drinks up to their makeup infested faces, glaring at me with their daggers, then drinking the whole glass in one swing. Then, they get up, give me one last horrifying glance, before turning back to their husband or their friend who was conveniently standing in the middle of the dance floor. What the fuck?

Lastly, I hate the Royal Sunny D. Yes, that golden sunbutt. Tell her that her light likes to shine right in my eyes in the morning, making me unable to see for about ten seconds. And if you respond with “Why don’t you go get some blinds?”, I will hoot and holler til the night goes on. You don’t even understand. This is some first Equestrian problems here, and I hate that shit.

From,

Your friendly neighborhood bastard with hooves.