Where Am I Going, From Here?
By: The Zealot
Chapter 3: I Got A Badge Motherfuckers! Just Try An Stop Me Now!

“... so, you were this thing called a ‘Human’, you got here through this magical rainbow portal in your living room, turned into a pony, and you also used to be a stallion?” Celestia asked, snickering along the way, I just gave her a nod in confirmation. “Damn, that’s pretty cool actually.” She finished, nodding along with me and laughing.

“You know, it really kinda makes me sound pretty fucking insane saying all that out loud, why the fuck do you actually believe me anyway?” I asked her, from my position on the floor. Near the beginning of our conversation she had magicked me a cushion, and I had taken advantage of that by relaxing as best I could.

“Dude, I used to be a damn Earth Pony, me and Lulu fell down this hole out in the forest, and there was this cool tree, so we poked it with sticks. There was like, this huge flash of light, and then we both woke up later as alicorns, sounds pretty insane, doesn’t it? Also, I can’t really dispute that music player and the other thing you showed me, can I?” She said, also lying upon her own cushion, and eating some cake, where the fuck did she get it? Magic stuff doesn’t taste too good, so the fuck?

“Wow, that’s actually kinda cool… hey, why are you so laid back an shit? Aren’t you, like, the eternal goddess or something?” I was actually kinda curious, I mean, she had been cool enough as it was, but it was just weird for her to be like that.

“Dude, my job is like, the most boring thing ever. If it’s not paperwork than it’s meeting with these stuck up buckers that call themselves nobels, back when I was a filly, well… but yeah, my day is really boring, and your stunt livened it up. Speaking of which, I just thought of something, you want a job? While I work to make a portal to get you back home, of course.” She explained, still sprawled out on her cushion, still eating that damn piece of cake, not a care in the fucking world… I like this Celly.

“Hmm, well, that of course depends on what the job would be, I’m only really here to have fun, you know.” I replied, rolling onto my stomach, looking Celestia in the eyes, waiting for her response. All I got was a smile, for a time.

“Well, my life is boring, but there’s not much I can do about that, but, you can. I was thinking of, perhaps, creating ,by some new royal decree, a… department, if you will, you can name it whatever you like, but basically, your job would be to mess about and make my life a little less boring, sound good?” She asked me, a glint of, fuck if I know, let’s go with mischief, in her eye.

I just laid there for a moment, mulling it over, before giving the obvious answer to such a question, “Oh fuck the hell yes. I’ll make a name later, but yes! I will take that job! I need something so I don’t get arrested though,” I stopped then, taking a moment to consider what I would like my symbol to be, a badge perhaps? Yes, a badge, and a glorious one at that, “I’ve got it, a badge! A gold shield shaped badge, with a silver skull in the middle, and uh, your sun behind the skull, so they know I work for you, and maybe add some silver ribbons on the outside of the symbols, yeah! This is gonna be awesome.” I finished, waving my hooves about in excitement, it wasn’t every day a goddess asks you to fuck shit up, and for her amusement no less!

She looked at me with an inquisitive look on her face, an eyebrow raised, before she sent some power through her horn, and a badge exactly as I had imagined appeared floating down to me. “A bit ornate, but it does look nice, make sure to get a name sent to me, this does need to be official, but for now, oh, I don’t know. Just go out there and make things interesting I suppose, I’ll send out an order so the guards will make sure not to arrest you, but they have to see the badge for them to know it’s you. Oh, and one request, stir up life for the nobles, will you?” She said, setting the badge upon my head, behind the crown. I took it in my own magic and pinned it to my coat, right in the front, where the gold caught the gleam of a sun beam coming through the cell window.

“Oh this, this is going to be fun.” Was all I said, she gave me a small nod, allowed the guards back in, gave a little speech about how I was a Royal Agent now, and set me free.

[*****]

I was walking down the street when out the corner of my eye I saw a stallion creeping out of sight, I didn’t pay him any mind. I was still trying to come up with a name, maybe something in Latin? No, I didn’t know Latin. It couldn’t be too long, it had to fit on the badge, of course, but I wanted it to sound cool.

Then, it came to me “The Bureau of Fuck You, I do What I Want”, it would have to wrap around the whole thing to fit, but it would be well fucking worth it. The minute I got it in my mind, I walked off to the side and stopped. I pulled out this roll of parchment given to me by Celestia, she said to just write down whatever name I came up with and sign it with my name, and she would get it.

As I finished the last letter in my name the whole scroll burst into flame, a green kind, like Spike’s. As soon as the letter was fully succumbed to ash the remains where swept away by an non-existent wind, presumably to be taken to the princess. But a moment later, as I was still standing where I was, just observing the passing fuckbuckets- I MEAN NOBLES! Anyway, as I was watching the, urgh, nobles, I saw a flash come from my badge, floating it up to me revealed my chosen name written around the skull in glowing red-orange text, cool.

“Well, I’m official now, time to go mess with Luna!” I said out loud, a maniacal laugh following, before charging magic and willing myself to be in the palace once more, and disappearing in a thick fog.

[*****]

“Alright, now, make sure that bed stays glued up there, and the furniture. What? Yes, this is completely legal, trust me. Alright, good, good. Now, make sure that window is reversed, what? Oh, shit, um, cast some anti-gravity magic or something. Alright, cool. Well, good job boys, looks like everything is in order.” What, you may be wondering, was I ordering around a group of ponies for? Well, you see, as my first order of business I had decide to flip Luna’s room. What I meant by that was, well, you would have to see it for yourself, but basically the floor was the ceiling and vice versa, everything was flipped, it was awesome.

Now all there was left to do was wait, and then wait for her to find the note I left there, and then for her to try and kill me at which point I would use my awesome ninja skills to evade her and… oh fuck, I am so screwed. Oh well, no going back on it now! I proceeded to walk down to the dining room, as it was now dinner time, and see if I could get them to fix me something meat.

What? I may be a pony, but I was also my OC, who could eat meat. Also, if my teeth were anything to go by, that bit carried over. There was also the fact that real life ponies could eat meat, it was just generally understood that the MLP ones didn’t, so, eh. Hence I set out in my grand search for the dining room!

[*****]

I had been walking for hours, or maybe minutes, I don’t know, I’m not good with time. What I did know was that I was hungry, kinda pissed, and there was nobody around, so I did the sensible thing.

“WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GODDAMN DINING ROOM!?” Accompanied by my cry was the raising of my hooves to the heavens, and the cracking of some glass.

Of course, a minute after I did that some random pony opened a door and was all like ‘Dude, it’s right here’, and I just kinda gave him a flat look and went inside. Oh, and the princesses were there, Celestia was almost laughing and Luna was just kinda ‘Da fauq?’, so I gave out a chuckle before trying to convince a cook to give me a steak.

Oh yeah, convincing ponies to cook meat was pretty fucking hard, like, seriously. I had to slap a bitch just to convince them I wasn’t playing some sick joke, and even then they wouldn’t fucking cook me something. It ended up that I had to lock them out of the kitchen and cook some stir-fry chicken myself, which was bullshit, they should just do as they’re told.

Anyway, when I was finally done in the kitchen and was seated at the table with my delicious meal of chicken and rice, Celestia decided to strike up a conversation.

“So, what have you been spending all your time doing? Something productive with your new powers, I would hope.” It might have been hard to tell who she was talking to if I were across the table, but I was like right next to her so I just gave her a nod and an evil grin. At least, I think it was evil.

And so began the two hour long fucking dinner, because short snacks are unheard of in this fucking castle, seriously man. Oh, and they wouldn’t give me dessert because I locked the fuckers out of the kitchen, so I set something on fire as a distraction and grabbed some ice cream.

[*****]

I was walking through the halls, nearby Luna’s room, I noted, in my search for wherever the fuck my room was, seriously Sunbutt, your directions suuuuuuucked.

Anyway, I saw Luna walk up to her room, she was pretty tired and kinda annoyed looking, so I just gave her a wave and kept walking, but uh, then she gave out this really really loud yell and poked her head out the door. So, she looked at me and uh, well, she may be the night princess, but she has the wrath of the fucking sun. So, basically, she yelled at her guards to catch me, and I ran away like a fucking bitch, ahem, badass.

So, I decided not to jump out a window this time, and was just running through the halls and shit, I had some pretty good stamina ‘cause I was level 145, with like, 67 points in endurance, but anyway, I was running. So at one point I came across Celestia, and she was all like, ‘Oh, hey Nevermore, how are you?’ and so I couldn’t be rude, but I had to make it fast.

“Oh, hey Sunny, yeah, sorry I can’t quite chat, got blueberries on my tail, goodnight!” and then I ran past her, I faintly heard her saying ‘Blueberries?’ before the night guard ran around the corner after me, and then I heard her laughter.

I was getting bored of this chase, really, these guards suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked, so I decided to do some Spiderman shit and used my horn to make a grappling hook, which I used to swing onto a chandelier, and then onto one of those decorative ledges that are all around the halls. Then I slept there because the guards were still fucking looking for me, dicks.

[*****]

Author's Note

This has taken too long and I am the thirteen year old's equivalent of drunk! That's sleep deprivation, by the way, FUCK YOU'RE HOURS NEEDED OF REST, I HAVE VIDEO GAMES! I'm going to hell for this, I know it.