Where Am I Going, From Here?
By: The Zealot
Chapter 4: Blatant Foreshadowing Is Blatant

“Urghhhh” This was my response to waking up, a bit more emphasis on the ‘Urgh’ please? Yeah, thanks. Anyway, I was pissed off, my neck had a crick, my back was sore, and my bed was hard as fuck. So, I moved a bit so I could crack my bones and hopefully feel better. Moving was a bad idea.

“OH SHIT!” Yeah, falling’ll wake you up like a motherfucker, and that’s what happened. I had forgotten that I was on a fucking ledge, and just rolled right off, great. So uh, carpet doesn’t feel too good if it’s put over marble, oh, and hitting it from about twenty feet didn’t help, either.

“Fuck this place, I’m fuckin’ done.” I growled out as I rose to my hooves, up until this point in time I had been a bit eccentric, now I was a tad bit pissed. I’m not a fun person when I’m pissed, you know.

I decided, in all of my wisdom, to go out on the town and prevent myself for stabbing anyone. That was a good plan, right? Not stabbing people? Well, maybe some people deserved it but… I’m gonna stop before I start thinking of the most painful way to kill someone, again.

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I was people watching, pony watching, eh same difference. Just kinda looking around and deciding what I was gonna do, I had nagged a biscuit and some cookies from a stall somewhere around the market I was in, and was currently enjoying said biscuit and cookies. It was then that I noticed him. A little colt, I can’t really tell their ages but he couldn’t be too old, eating an ice cream cone.

“Holy mother fuck.” That was all I said before I dashed from the scene, hurrying to prepare for what was about to happen.

[*****]

I was driving an ice cream truck. Now, you might be able to see a few things wrong with this, the most glaring one being that Equestria didn’t have cars, and certainly didn’t have trucks. Well, this is where magic and imagination comes in. The other problem, that you may or may not have guessed, was that I’m thirteen.

You see, I didn’t really know how to drive, I probably could, when I was Human at least, given my stature and the fact that cars weren’t too complicated. Thing is, driving as a pony is different, oh, and the truck wasn’t automatic. That being said, I think I was doing pretty well, only three statues, two walls, and four tables had been run over and or through.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I was also chucking random ice cream cones at ponies as I drove past? Some of them caught the cones, others did not. I was currently laughing like a madman, madmare? Whatever, I was currently laughing at the sight of some sorry fool who managed to catch the ice cream on his horn, the cone fitting perfectly over it and the ice cream running down his face as he just stared at me in shock.

At one point I drove past Celestia, she didn’t get special treatment though, although she did catch the ice cold treat that I chucked at her. What flavor, you may ask? Well, I was trusting the fandom with this one, so I gave her chocolate banana, why chocolate and banana instead of either? Because I’ve had that combo as a smoothie and it’s fucking glorious, seriously, go to Tropical Smoothie right now and order a Beach Bum smoothie without the strawberry, you can get one as part of their ‘half and a smoothie’ deal or whatever. Ah, I haven’t been to Tropical Smoothie in fuckin’ forever, can never convince my mom to go there.

I should also mention that I was, as all ice cream trucks should, playing a song along with my driving throughout the castle, what was it, you may ask? Why, just the best song that could be played at that moment, ever, of all time. No song better, I swear to you.

There is one slight problem with driving and throwing stuff at the same time, that being the ‘looking where you’re going’ part of ‘driving’. Why do I bring this up? Well, I may or may not have just driven out of one of the many stained glass windows that were littered throughout the castle. I also may or may not have been laughing like a crazy person as I fell, right before pulling a James Bond and turning the truck into a glider, floating (Read, falling) slowly (Read, like a rock), down to the city scape below, oh hey! There’s that market I was at!

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I had found myself to be in the very center of a street, a street which had no less than three schools on it. Now, being the responsible person that I am, I turned off the music and calmly drove away. Aw, who am I kidding? I turned that shit down a bit, got out the megaphone, and yelled for all I was worth to all the kids looking out the windows.

“COLTS AND FILLIES! FREE ICE CREAM!” That was all I said, that was all I needed to say. For once those words left my mouth I was beset upon by hordes and hordes of little yelling children, some of the adults were trying to get them back inside, but hey, ice cream.

Suffice it to say I ran out of ice cream by the time every kid had gotten a cone.

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The kitchen staff was extremely pissed at me. That may have had something to do with last night, oh, and that I took their whole supply of ice cream. Yeah, that might have something to do with it. I bring this up because I had finally found my way back to the palace and was rather hungry after my adventures in driving, and was currently trying to get the fucker in the palace cafeteria to give me a sandwich. Yeah, they really don’t like me.

Apparently we were loud enough in our arguing that some guards were called, and uh, when they saw me they automatically tried to arrest me. The fuckers.

“You! You are under arrest due to-” I cut him off there, it wasn’t just what he was saying, his voice was also really fucking annoying.

“Bitch, do you know who you’re talking to? You don’t? Well, that’s understandable I suppose, let me explain, I work for good ‘ol Celly now, got a badge and everything,” I showed off said badge, still clinging to my coat, to emphasize my point, “now, what this means for you lot, well, it’s pretty simple. I’m not under arrest, whenever you think you should arrest me, don’t, you’ll be wrong, trust me.”

I then proceeded to walk away with a sandwich, which had apparently been someone’s lunch, as all of the guards and the kitchen guy stood there looking at me with shock, hahahahahahaa, oh the looks on their faces, you had to have been there.

[*****]

That sandwich was actually pretty good, even though it was mostly grass and lettuce, I guess becoming a pony changed my taste in a food a tad. Anyway, I was once more bored, and decided to do something that would be amusing, for me atleast.

I was currently floating about on wings of fire, because fuck you they look cooler than those bullshit butterfly ones Rarity had, using my magic to paint, in big black twenty foot letters, along the front of the palace.

What, you may be wondering, was I painting there? Well, it was something I had seen in a fanfic a long time ago, something that definitely needed to happen. In those giant letters, written in dark paint across the pristine white of the palace, where two simple words.

“PRAISE SUNBUTT!”

That’s all I wrote, that’s all I needed to write. For come the next day, for it was currently late afternoon, someone would point out this to Celestia, and if they didn’t she would surely hear from someone or read in the newspaper. It would liven her day up, quite a bit, wouldn’t you agree?

After I had finished my grand masterpiece I found my way back to the ground and began again to search for my fucking room, I wasn’t tired, but I wanted to know where the hell I was gonna sleep.

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Author's Note

This is the product of a three hour long drive from the town of Harrison burg back to where I live, why ice cream? Because that whole fucking trip I didn't get any, even though there were seven fucking shops! Seriously man, my parents suck sometimes. Anyway, I would just like to say that I'm normally not like this, like I am in the story, for obvious reasons. Let me just explain, in real life I am a quite person, I often look either bored or ready to stab someone, and when I do talk I don't say much and am relatively quite. However, when I am with people I enjoy having in my company, I turn into someone like you see in this story, eccentric, talkative, and extremely foul mouthed. In case you're wondering why I saw fit to include that bit, I have no fucking clue.