Where Am I Going, From Here?
By: The Zealot
Chapter 5: Hey Guys, Guess What!

You know, I’m really gettin’ sick of all this fuckin’ walking, you know? I mean, this castle is pretty damn huge, and I have to walk around the whole goddamn thing to get anywhere, it’s really annoying.

So anyway, I was trying to find the cafeteria/kitchen/dining room, whatever. You may think I knew where it was, you'd be wrong. It was complete luck all the other times I found it, and I swear the kitchen staff had moved it just to fuck with me.

Eventually I just asked some poor fucker where it was, I say poor fucker because I was rather irritated at that point, and more or less slammed him into a wall and interrogated him. He told me what I want, and for that he got thrown out a window. he wa a pegasus, don’t worry about it.

[*****]

“Let me make myself very clear you fucking waste of space, if you do not give me something to eat that I will enjoy, I will rip off your dick and fuck you in the ass with it. Are we fucking clear!” Alright, perhaps I was being a bit mean, but that kitchen staff didn’t want to give me breakfast, and the morning is the one time you should not fuck with me, especially after I spent an hour trying to find the fucking kitchen.

Suffice it to say that the fucker behind the counter gave me a plate of pancakes and eggs, and was shivering in fear as I walked off to one of the many tables around the room. As I sat down I noticed that most everyone there was eating away from me, which I was fine with because the people there had either tried to arrest me, or were cunts. The pancakes were rather delicious, by the way.

[*****]

For the second time I this week I kicked open the doors to the throne room, this time it was the middle of some kind of court thing, day court, right? Eh whatever.

“Hey guys! Guess what!” I called out to Celestia and Luna as they sat upon their respective thrones. Celestia just looked at me with some agitation before asking what I was there for.

That was when I pulled the jar of dirt from behind me, holding it aloft in my magical grasp as I waved it around frantically.

“I’ve got a jar of dirt, I’ve got a jar of dirt, I’ve got a jar of dirt, and guess what’s inside it!” I called out, asking ever pony who was currently present if they would like a guess as to what was inside my wonderful and mystical jar of dirt.

“Is it not just dirt in the jar you carry?” Came a question from Luna, her head tilted to the side, she was more confused than agitated, as her sister was.

“Well, let’s find out!” I shouted, before throwing the jar to the ground with all the force I could, causing a large explosion of earthy grit. Before the cloud cleared I nabbed quite a few of the snacks that were on ponies plates, before diving out a window as the dirt cleared. Of course, this whole time ponies were screaming and shouting, some in fear, some in rage.

You know, really it was kinda mean to the cleaning staff, but hey, it’s kinda their job. Just like doing shit like this was my job, we all have our places. So anyway, I was falling out the window, I had chosen one over the city but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t land with a spalt if I didn’t do anything. So I did something, I once more used my coat to imitate the goddamn Batman, and floated gently down to the street below.

Upon getting my hooves on the ground I shook myself out, getting all the dirt and dust and whatnot that had coated me off, what, it was irritating and made me look like I had been digging ditches. Which I may or may not have done to get the dirt for that jar, but that’s beside the point.

[*****]

Dear Celestia was doing something that required a big production, and involved her walking in a parade to the castle, for whatever reason. Honestly, no one tells me fuck all, but I did have a plan.

As Celestia approached I decided to sing a bit, something I was gonna use in one of my stories before I got here, that is. So, using a bit of magic to change my voice, and to amplify it, I sang out as she walked near the front gates from my position on the battlements.

“Legenden den löd
örnens död
Den skållas i helvetets glöd

Konung kom fram
Best eller man
Best eller man

Gustavus Adolphus
Libera et impera
Acerbus et ingens
Augusta per augusta

Gustavus Adolphus gå fram libera impera
(Gustavus Adolphus Libera et impera)
Acerbus et ingens gå fram libera impera
(Acerbus et ingens Augusta per augusta)”

Sure, it didn’t quite fit. But it was cool nonetheless, not like the ponies new Swedish anyway. Hell, I don’t know Swedish, that’s where the magic came in. Magic was also the reason there was guitar and drums and all that playing as I sang, as well as the reason the secondary lines even worked.

Suffice it to say, Celestia had been baptized in the song of badass at this point, and she even pulled it off since she kept walking even though every other pony was looking at me and kinda going ‘the fuck’ at that moment.

Of course, I didn’t stick around to see what else happened, I had shit to set up, seeing as it was only, like, two in the afternoon. Yeah, I had some plans alright. It would be quite the site, it might even blow some ponies off their hooves, if you know what I mean.

What, no I wasn’t planning to blow up anything. Nah, totally not gonna- YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING!

[*****]

Author's Note

I got bored, this is what you get when I spend a day looking at the internet. I am planning to use that song in my main story, just wait for it, or maybe not. It's Swedish, but don't try running it through Google translate, instead, have a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kw4bGBDKrPs

So, the person who showed me that band is probably gonna murder me for disrespecting Swedish history or something, and to her I have to say: Give me yer best shot! Ya yellow bellied pansy!

If I'm not here for the rest of ever it's because I was murdered by a mute Swedish girl.