Chapter 6: A Very Regular and Ordinary Chapter

Today I decided to do something different. I would cook for the Princesses, and the Elements of Harmony, since they had come to the palace. Now, as you might have guessed, getting into the kitchen was no easy matter. It's a very good thing I found out how to make explosives from magic.

Now what, you may be wondering, was I planning to make for the lot of those ponies. Well, it was quite simple, really. It would be something completely regular, and ordinary. What? No, nothing bad is gonna happen, nothing at all- YOU CAN PROVE NOTHING!

So annnnyway, I had pulled two friends of mine through the inter-dimensional rift that may or may not have been created by sheer force of will and some goat’s blood, since I needed some ‘assistants’.

My two lovely aids were two men, somehow still human, I guess they didn’t take the LSD express, named Yasahiro and Onimot. We we’re currently looking around the kitchen trying to find where the staff put the fucking potatoes.

“I still don’t know how I got here, why you’re a pony, or why I agreed to help you with this.” Came the Russian-ish voice of my friend Onimot, who was still questioning things after being pulled into Equestria via very unstable magics, can never satisfy this guy, I swear.

“I told you, I magicked you and Yasa here through magick-ey stuff, and you’re helping me because who else is gonna send you home? Now stop whining and find me some ketchup.” Was my amazingly kind and not at all threatening response to my dear Slovakian friend, and there was totally not a glare accompanying it, at all.

“Here’s your ketchup, ya dick.” Was the second response from my assistants, this time from Yasa, and accompanied by a bottle of ketchup being chucked at my face. Thankfully, I had magix.

“Fantastic. So, we have everything ready now, yes? Good. Let the games, begin.” I may or may not have been rubbing my hooves together in the best evil villian way I could. It was time to make, THE FALUKORV! ‘Twould be completely regular, and ordinary.

[*****]

My assistants and I were preparing everything on a rather nice wooden table, set up in easy viewing range of the dining table, I was washing my hooves in a nearby sink as the two current humans set everything up and entertained the ponies just by being them, would also explain all the declarations of shock.

It was just about time, for my friend Yasa had explained what was being cooked, and I had walked out to the table with a sausage around my head. Things were going well.

There was a single covered cooking pot on the table, just sitting there, waiting to be opened. So I did, “Potatis!” I called out, pulling a bag of fresh potatoes from the pot, before replacing the lid.

“Ost!” I called once more, this time pulling a slice of cheese from the covered pot, to the apparent shock of the ponies. Geez, in a land of magic no one has ever seen someone do this shit? So sad.

“Finhackad gurka!” I yelled at the ponies, removing a bottle of chopped cucumber from the cooking pot, replacing the lid once more as I saw Twilight, Luna, and Rarity trying to study the pot, to find it’s magical components, I guess.

“Smör!” I yelled, pulling butter from the pot and slamming it against the table, allowing it to join the other culinary ingredients. I swear, these ponies were just getting more and more bewildered. Either at how I was getting the foodstuff or the language, either or, I guess.

“Senap” I said, calmly placing a thing of mustard on top of the cucumber jar, before replacing the lid to the pot once more.

“Ketchup!” I shouted, pulling out a bottle of ketchup that could not have logically fitted in the pot, and placing it beside the potatoes.

“Mjölk!” I shouted, pulling out a carton of milk and slamming it down onto the table, apparently milk cartons startle ponies, at least, that’s what I guessed from the shocked murmurs.

“Och Falukrov!” I finally finished pulling things from the pot, ending with a large wrapped sausage, before letting out an ear piercing scream, throwing the sausage back in the pot, and then sweeping all the ingredients to the floor. To the shock of the ponies, I might add.

Suddenly, there was a pile of potatoes on the table, and all of the things were gone from the floor, “Skala potatisen!” I shouted to all those watching from the dining table, before beginning to slowly peel the potatoes with a potato peeler, this might take a while.

I threw the peeler and potato behind me, hitting one of the kitchen guys who had wandered back in, before shouting once more, “Med dig!” Ah, I kid, I motioned for Yasa to help me with something. “Come, help me peel these, with Onii’s body!”

Apparently Yasa was cool with this, because the next thing anyone knew we were dragging Onimot’s shirtless body across a pile of potatoes, don’t ask me, I don’t know. “Wait, what!” was the last thing Onimot said before he was used as a giant potato peeler, screaming along the way, I might add.

That done, Yasa and I chucked Onii out of the scene, before I did the same to Yasa. After which I pulled a sausage, and a battle axe from thin air, much to the shock of the ponies. What, never seen an axe before?

“Förbereda korv!” I shouted, before slamming the sausage unto the table so that it might be prepared. Breaking off one end in the process.

“What is wrong with these ponies?” Comes a whispered question from one of my cohorts, one that even I cannot answer. Seriously, they seem normal... for ponies, and then go and do shit like being shocked at a magic show, I mean really.

With the sausage now upon the table I attempted to cut it with mine axe, before realizing that it must be unwrapped from it’s wax coating, much like cheese. That done, I took a bite off one end, just to taste it, before showing my approval with another scream. For that is the only way to truly show something is worth eating.

That done, I held my axe over the now bare sausage, “Skär små insicions i korv,” I instructed, this was supposed to be educational, after all, before using said axe to very carefully take small cuts out of the sausage.

“Where did you learn Swedish?” Asked Onii, startled, I smack him and he returned to the floor. Hooves hurt, apparently.

“Careful, not too deep.” I say, returning my attention to the beautiful looking sausage. All the cuts made I looked up from my task, “Ja, tiger korv.”

I backed away from my finely cut sausage, grabbing a cooking pan from somewhere, and slamming it to the table. Placing the sausage very carefully in the pan, careful so as not to break it. As soon as I was done, the sausage and pan disappeared, replaced by the block of cheese from earlier, and a grater.

“Riv osten!” I instructed, before running the cheese over the surface of the grater, struggling to get it to work, “ARGHHHHHHHHH!” I shouted, before the grater and cheese vanished, being replaced by the sausage pan, a plate of grated cheese, the jar of cucumber, mustard, and the bottle of ketchup. Much shock was had.

“Lägg några läckra ingredienser på korv.” I said, using my hooves to open the jar of cucumber, and then spread it over and into the sausage. Following the cucumber was the mustard, which was treated the same way, spread over and into the sausage, what do you think the incisions were for? It was growing more and more delicious by the second.

“Och ketchup! Öppna flaskan, försiktigt.” I instructed to Yasa, who now held a smaller axe, before placing the bottle on the table. He swung with the axe, and he missed with the axe. I grabbed the bottle with my magic, placing it back on the table, “second try.” This time he hit the bottle, causing tomato-ey goodness to spray everywhere, apparently almost causing Rarity to faint as the white of the kitchen was stained red. What, didn’t your sister burn juice at one point?

“These ponies can’t handle anything.” I heard Onimot mutter from his place on the floor. Indeed Onii, indeed.

“Fucking casuls,” comes Yasa’s reply, licking the ketchup covered axe as he stands off to the side.

“There we go.” I say, holding the bottle of ketchup over the sausage and using the axe made opening to spill ketchup goodness over the sausage, before smearing it in with my hoof. I’m gonna taste delicious when this is all over.

“Add some cheese.” I instruct, using my still condiment covered hooves to pick up large portions of the grated cheese, and shower the sausage with it.

“OVEN!” I yell, grabbing the pan in my hoof and going over to the oven, opening it up and throwing the pan inside. That done, I went and grabbed the pot from the beginning of the show, now filled with water and peeled potatoes, placing it on the stove.

Turning to the ponies once more I grab a tube from seemingly nowhere, uncapping it and placing the tip in my mouth, “Have some pre-dinner mayonnaise!” As I say this, jars of mayo along with spoons float out to land in front of everyone seated, swallowing what I had eaten I said to them, “it’s good for you!”

As I walked over to the stove, I notice Onimot standing from the floor, tasting the mayo, and giving Yasa a thumbs up. At which point my Polish friend covers one part of his axe in the creamy goodness, and starts licking it off. Because you can't just eat mayonnaise like normal people. Wait, did I just try and call them normal? Oh dear, I'm slipping.

Giving my two assistants a nod, I grab the potatoes from the stove, and move over to the sink so as to drain the water from the boiled potatoes. This accomplished, I slam the pot of delicious smelling potatoes onto the center table, pulling a pack of butter from seemingly nowhere, “Tillsätt lite smör.” I say, before using some kind of funky hoof magic to squeeze the butter from the pack and into the pot of potatoes, mmm, everything is better with butter.

The delicious butter added, it was time to mash the potatoes WITH A PUNCH! Quite a few, actually. I stopped when they were about halfway mashed, allowing the carton of milk from earlier to appear, “Add some milk.” I instruct, pouring the drink of gods from the carton and into the pot, sadly, half of the milk escaped to the floor.

The milk assimilated into the pot, I returned to my job of mashing the potatoes, it was time for: Potato Mashing: The Sequel! Once they were vigorously mashed, so finely that it was almost as if they had never been whole, I moved over to the oven. Pulling the now cooked sausage from the oven, I turned back to find the table gone, and instead that everything that had been prepared was now on the dining table. Much to the shock of the ponies.

As I marched over to the table, my head held high, I set down the finely cooked meal, and began serving the ponies. The one time they should have been shocked, when I served out far more food than had been cooked, was the only time they were cool with it. I fucking swear.

As I set down my plate, just before joining it and engaging in joyous food I say my final words, “Dinner is served, bitches.” Taking my place at the table, my two still human friends join me, causing the ponies to stare, both at them and at me from what I had said. But none of us minded, for we were enjoying delicious Swedish Style Sausage.

“Next time, we’ll have an applause.” Says Yasa, before he, Onii, and I simultaneously clap, the sound somehow amplified across the whole room, as everyone begins to enjoy the amazing meal.

As we all finished our meal, I noticed that Yasa was pointing at Onii for some reason, then it dawned on me, Mr. Fox! Right as I realized this, a knife was thrown at Onii, hitting him the the chest and making him fall to the floor, but no one really cared. The ponies were too caught up in the meal.

This has been. REGULAR! ORDINARY! EQUESTRIAN MEAL TIME!

The chapter was written, bitches.

"Help...." Onii calls from the floor.

Author's Note

I was in a skype call, we were watching Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time. This is the result. The episode is Filthy Falukorv, and I'll let you get the dialoug from there, so here's a link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM9H2v4gqkI