Chapters The Naked Apple 3 1/3: How I learned to stop whining and love the Apple
The Seconding is pretty rough as well
The sun is shining right through the bedroom window of the Applejacks 3 story apartment complex. The plants are singing and the birds are flying towards the sunrise, it seems to be a good day.
Several Urbanized Youths are playing hoodlum games such as "Steal This White Guys Rims" and "Gun Tag." Such is live in typical day Detroit.
You nustle in closer to your dixie waifu, who turns over and lets out a rather noxious belch in your face. You cough and put her arm around your head, her manly pit hair tickling your 4 o clock shadow.
You hear the alarm clock buzzing as the radio begins playing
It's 7:30 and you have to be down at the Police Station by 8:00 to report for duty.
You turn over to your side as Applejack puts her arms over your manly chest. "Mmm...don't get up sugercube.... Momma still needs her officer to do his duty."
You smile a wicked smile as you whisper "I'll give you a duty." You focus all your inner Canadian strength as you part your buttcheeks like a mighty sea and relinquish a tidal wave of Turkish food stank. The emenation of terrible food hits Applejack like a Camarro hitting a Canadian Goose going 79 MPH. It launches her right out of the bed and right into her bedroom wall.
You get out of the bed and slam the alarm clock, and begin shuffling around for your pants. You search the pile of clothes left from last nights eventful sexy times. You root through a sexy black dress, a pair of black and pink stockings, a pair of elephant undergarments with an extendable trunk, a rainbow afro wig, a pair of clown shoes, and also a goat wearing eyeliner and red lipstick.
Ah! There they are! Your favourite pair of khakis! You slip both legs in at the same time because fuck traditional colloeqiusms about putting pants on.
You walk over to Applejack, still semi unconscious from the Rectal Kamemeha you launched at her. You kiss her on the forehead and say "I'll see you later Sugar Tits."
Suddenly Applebloom enters the room and gives you the happiest greeting ever.
"HIYA ANON, ITS ME YOUR FAVOURIST FUTURE LITTLE SISTER IN LAW APPLEBLOOM SAYING GOOD MARNING!"
You stare at her, and punch her in her stupid face. She cries and runs off into her room. You turn 360 degrees and jump out the window.
You land on your face, which is already chiseled as steel, so you take no damage. You check your watch, its 7:35, The office is 10 minutes away,
You brush yourself off, and decide to run on down to Random Joe's Donutarium which was conviantly placed right across the street from Applejack's apartment. You look both ways before crossing the road, and take one step out onto the street.
Suddenly several Italians, A turtle, a prostitute, a dinosaur and a gorilla all on go-karts rush past and get mud all over your favourite khakis. You get immensly angry and you go to personally take care of whose fault this is.
You walk back into Applejacks apartment and stomp right up to Appleblooms room. You can hear her crying through her bedroom door. You use your powers of karate to open the door knob, as Applebloom looks at you with her puffy black eye.
"Whaddya want ya big bully?" she says sobbing.
You walk over to her and punch her in the face again, blackening her other eye as she screams "OH GOD WHY?" You guffaw and then jump out her window. This time you land on top of a badly sunburnt and normally burnt homeless person with broken legs. He screams out loud "Oh god my continuity!"
You brush yourself off as you walk back to the donut shop. You enter the shop as a bell jingles, a pudgy blue coloured person walks up to the counter.
"HEY HEY HEY DETECTIVE ANON" the woman stated in a gruff New Jersey Accent. "WHAT"LL YA HAVE TODAY STUD DA USUAL?"
"Yes please Mrs Cake." You nod in approval.
She turns towards the kitchen.
"SWEETUMS, GET YER ASS IN HIGHGEAR, WE GOTTA A CARAMEL VANILLA STRAWBERRY DONUT MARGARITA WITH A SILLY STRAW AND AN UMBRELLA!"
"Oh is that Mr Anon again? Great doing business with ya!"
"ENOUGH OF DA CHIT CHAT AND GET OUR CUSTOMER HIS ORDER YA BIG SCHLEMMIEL."
You wait paitently to enjoy your tropical manly drink and check your watch. Damn! It's 7:55! You are going to be late for work! You quickly wave to Mr and Mrs Cake as they both shout out to you. "WE'LL NEVA FORGET YA ANON!" as you head out to your 1995 Camarro and put your favourite cassette into the deck.
starts playing as you turn on your siren.
You start driving through a supermarket, and then into a packed boxing match in Times Square, and then into a wake for some kid named Michael who got up from his casket and ran off. You yell out the window, FAKER!
You drive into a pinball machine which subsquentally TILTS as the Multiball option is enabled.
You drive into a heavy active warzone on the shores of Iwo Jima as several soldiers around you are being shot down by the artillery fire.
You finally pull up to the police station, just as your engine puffs out a cloud of white smoke. Well, looks like you are out of a ride for awhile.
You get out of your car and check your watch, 8:03, DAMN! Three minutes late! The Commissioner will have your hide for this! You walk into the Police Department with the upmost quietness as you try to sneak past the busy bodies of the office. Huh, seems like its uniform/penis inspection day. You'll never understand why Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz makes you go through such things. You step on a duck, a car horn, some random homeless guy, and an entire stand of brass instruments, all of which were incredibly loud.
You poke your head up, nobody seems to have noticed, you sigh as you walk into your office and sit down.
"Nailed it."
"DETECTIVE ANON, INTO MY OFFICE THIS FUCKING MINUTE!!!"
Fuck. Looks like the cat is out of the bag.
You pull yourself out from beneath your desk, You're a man goddamn it! And a man has got to face the consequences of his actions, no matter what the cost may be! You straighten your tie, you shave your beard, you watch a sad movie about a woman whose sister has breast cancer and you dont shed a single tear. You go through a training montage as you hit a punching bag held by an african american peppering up your spirits by saying "UP AND AT EM ANON! YOUR A WRECKING MACHINE!"
All right, time to pay the piper. You walk up to Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz's door, and nod sincerely to the Black Knight who stood sentry to the gate. He nods back at you as you prepare to walk in.
"May God keep you in his blessings, thou who hath entered this realm." He prays for you. You fidget with the numerous doorknobs and locks, you input the special password 1111, you put the square peg into the round hole, and speak the special catchphrase, "Mary sue Marie had a bite of pie on the thirty third of June".
The door unlocks and swings widely open and a bright light blinds you. You hear a voice coming from the light "Come to me Anon..."
You walk towards the light, when suddenly Bon Bon screams at you "GET OUT OF THE FUCKING PANTRY AND GET INTO MY OFFICE NOW!"
You pull away from the pantry, and walk into her office and pull up a chair.
She sits down at her desk and pours herself a glass of scotch as she lights up a cigar. She takes a long drag and stares daggers into your eyes.
"Do you know why I called you into my office Anon?"
You fidget nervousally "You...wanted to congratulate me on my 500th drug dealer killed?"
"NO GODDAMN IT!" Her hand slams the table. "And the last one didn't count, you hit him with your car."
"Yeah, I was lucky he turned out to be a drug dealer."
"You're late Detective! I HATE TARDINESS! THAT'S WHY OFFICER DERPY IS IN THE BAD POLICE CORNER"
"DO YOU HAVE AN EXCUSE DETECTIVE?"
"Well, in fact Commissioner I do have an excuse!" You state putting your hands on your hips wagging your finger in a 'I'm an independant black woman who don't need no man' attitude.'
"WELL OUT WITH IT DETECTIVE! I FEEL LIKE ITS BEEN THREE FUCKING MONTHS TO HEAR THIS SORRY EXCUSE OF YOURS" Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz lashes out, spreading spittle with every lash of her angry tongue.
Fuck.
Uhh... excuses....excuses....
"I came down with a terrible case of Derma-syphllia-itis-sydrome subdirectory C pox flu." You say slightly coughing into your manly hankercheif that has poodles embrodered on it.
Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz raises her left eyebrow slightly. "Really now Detective Nymous? And what are the effects of...whatever the fuck you just said?"
"Uhh... well you see... you get a real quaking of the knees... and then your hips spin round and round... and then you put your hands on your head, and you bring it around town..."
You are slowly going through each motion, as Bon Bon watches intently, pouring herself more and more glasses of whiskey.
"You do a pelvic thrust, and then you take a step to the left..."
"Enough Anon. Just.... wow." Bon Bon holds her hand to her head in complete shame of you.
"You could've said you slept in, you've could've said you had to shit extra long this morning, Hell, you could've told me you were off drinking this early in the morning, and I would've given you a just a slight reprieve....but THAT!"
She gets up from behind her desk and makes her way slowly to the Tardy Officer Corner.
"That was the saddest display of anything I have ever seen in my entire life."
Bon Bon takes off The "Tardy Officer" dunce cap off of Officer Derpy and points her back to the Office Floor.
"I have no words of shame that can even escape me Detective Anon."
Bon Bon walks over and places the "Tardy Officer" Dunce cap on your head.
"May God honestly have mercy on your soul."
You throw your hands on top of your head and stubbornly pout.
"NO."
"Detective Anon, I'm not asking you to put this on, I'm telling you to put the 'Bad Officer Hat' on.
"NO!" You begin throwing a temper tantrum, pushing your lower lip out and crossing your arms in a huff.
"DETECTIVE ANON I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T PUT ON THIS DUNCE CAP I AM GOING TO TAKE YOUR SHIELD AND YOUR RIFLE!"
You finally feel yourself bursting within, and you summon all the maniliness within your mortal body.
You stand up and stare Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz straight in her heavily hairy eyebrows, as her eyes now filled with an anger unfathomable to the mortal eye raged at you as you whispered.
"Over my dead body."
You whip out your Smith and Winston Lugermorph Mark IV and hold it directly against your temple.
"NO ONE FIRES ME EXCEPT FOR ME!"
"Anon... please... put down the gun..." Bon Bon nervousally trying to find a way to disarm you.
"YOU AIN'T MUH PA!" You scream as you pull the trigger and collapse to the floor in a bloody mess.
Commissioner Bon Bon screams at the top of her manly laughs and runs out of her office screaming "HE WAS ONLY TWO DAYS FROM RETIREMENT!"
And so the camera pulls away from your corpse, and a sad song starts to play. Then suddenly you get up and laugh.
Good thing that was your party gag Smith and Winston Lugermorph Mark IV, but you might have to get that zit on your head checked out, because it burst all over the floor. Gross.
You kick down the door of The Commissoners office, slightly scaring the Black Knight who was a posting sentry.
The office falls immediately silent, and stares in your direction.
"AVAST ME HARDIES ITS TIME WE BREAK THE MAST AND HEAD FOR THE SEAS WHOSE WITH ME?" You scream with a terrible accent as if you have a vitamen C deficency.
"AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The entire office replies in an uproar as uniformed police officers begin taking off their hats and replacing them with bandanas. Officer Perkins who usually works the help desk unscrews his left hand and reaches into his desk drawer, pulling out a wooden hook which he screws onto his stump. Several of the securitaries undid the tight office garb to reveal that they all had peg legs that went to their thighs. Sargeant Shill took out two eyepatches and put them both over his glasses while jumping on his desk screaming "ERYAAAAARRRRR!"
Several fires broke out immediately, as the office was thrown into chaos. You quickly make way to the Prison cells and bark at the drunks who were occupying the cramped cold space.
"ON YOUR FEET YE SCALLYWAGS! MAN THE OARS! WE SET SAIL FOR THE GREAT BLUE!"
"AYE AYE CAPTAIN!" They responded as they magically pull out oars from an undisclosed area of the cell.
"FIRE THE CANNONS OFFICER DERPY!"
"AYE AYE CAPTAIN ANON!"
A loud cannon burst through the office, as the nautical police crew cheered! "YO HO YO HO! THAT BE THE SOUND OF THE CANNON! FOR THE SEAS WE SAIL!"
Many brew maids suddenly waltzed in serving the scurvy crew of public officials as Lieutenant Lyra Heartstrings began playing her accordian in the middle of a burning mess of an office, as police officers chased women around in an lavish fashion, haha look! Officer Shill took out his peg leg penis and is chasing a 6 foot 7 overweight sexual offender in circle as he cries for his mother.
Ahhh.... a typical Monday morning at the office.
Suddenly your cell phone rings!
"Hello?"
"H---ey---bzzzzzt......A------non------bzzbbzbzzbz"
Damn, the line is fuzzy, and it doesn't help that a re-enactment of The Pirates of the Southern Tropical Islands that are relatively close, but not exactly close enough to be considered the Carribbeans is happening inside the office.
"Hold on, Don't hang up!" You yell into the phone, just as Officer Derpy rushes past you with a flaming log held aloft her head while screaming "ATTICAAAAAAAAAAA"
You make your way past the raging crowd of drunken and disorderly persons, and the drunken and disorderly officers as well.
You make your way to the steps of the Police Headquarters and talk into your cellphone once more.
"Okay, whoo... Hello?" You take a breather from the random chaos you've inspired.
"Hey there mah Dearest Detective!" you hear the familiar accent of your beloved as your nethers begin throbbing with something that isn't a rampart sexual disease!
"I was wondering iffin maybe y'all could stop by mah place of work while you were on patrol... I wanted to really see ya after this morning, but y'all went and left." Applejack moaned slightly over the phone.
You clench your fist and internally hear trumpets blaring as your subconscious roars. "YES YEEEEEEEES!"
"So what do you say Anon? Wanna come over to the Oranges and Watermelon fruit stand in 15 minutes for a quickie?" You hear a soft squelching sound in the background, as if...well... like a welcoming sound of a gurgle. A soft coo of a ravenous beast that needs to be filled with passion.
You grit your teeth with a wicked grin, as your loins grow tighter by the second.
"OF COURSE I WILL"
You pull out your massively miniscule Anon cock and press it against your cellphone, trying to penetrate Applejack from the receiver, however due to this being a realistic world where nothing cartoony happens whatsoever, it doesn't exactly pan out as well as you originally thought.
"Yeah Funnybutt, I'll be there, IN A FLASH!" You close the now semen covered cellular phone as you eye out a douchey looking kid walking down the road, licking a giant lollipop, while pushing a hoop with a stick.
You walk over to the child, who was wearing a fancy sailor suit and a flat cap with a brand new ribbon, with a grin of malicious intent on your face.
You grab his shoulder. "Hey Kid. You're Flash Sentry right?"
"Yeah Mista! My Daddy says I could have this lollipop if I did good at my studies! Want a lick Mister?" The fat obese kid states through his sticky lips.
You pull out a box knife...
One transition later,
You are whistling down the sidewalk with your hands covered in blood. A random woman screams at the sight behind you, as you chuckle to yourself.
"Thanks Mista for stabbing that child molesting leprechaun behind me!"
"No problem Mr Sentry, be sure to continue to go to school and receive good grades and don't do drugs!" you reply back as you into your 1995 Camarro that you've nicknamed 'Flash'.
"Gee golly I sure will Mista! I hope I can be like you when I grow up!" Young Flash Sentry saluted as he skipped gallavantly down the sidewalk. You chuckle and shake your head as you drive off, putting your siren on to cut traffic flow.
Suddenly a bald eagle swoops in and snatches the obese child and Flash Sentry was never seen again.
You fiddle through your cassettes and find a particular track you haven't heard since highschool.
Today is going to be awright.
you tried changing the radio to something less 1970's.
For some reason this comes on, and won't get off the radio no matter how much you are trying to change it.
You're only 5 minutes away from sweet Apple nectar, when suddenly the police scanner begins blaring out.
"Calling Detective Anon N ymous! Calling Detective Anon Nancy Ymous! This is an emergency! This is Sargeant Normal Leslie Norman in need of backup on 5th and Applesauce! I can't hold them all back Anon! HELP ME!"
You look out the window, you're at the corner of 7th and BooBoo Keys. Man, Mayor Baby for a Head really came up with some strange names for the city streets, but he was elected by popular vote, and to be honest his extended nap time and extra pudding snacks policy was pretty good.
It would take about 2 minutes to save your partner, that has always had your back in everything that you've ever done, including that one time when you had to pee really bad and he let you pee in his coffee cup, and he didn't even look. But you have no idea how long the firefight against whatever unspeakable foe will last, and you already promised Applejack that you would sex her, with YOUR PENIS!"
You lower you head and begin swelling up with a manly pride, a sort of brotherly connection, a sort of romantic interest that often would keep you up at night questionining your sexuality and your willingness to explore it.
You slam on the brakes and do a wicked sweet donut right in the middle of the road, running over at least 15 fruit carts and a homeless person who was covered in burns, limping terribly on his hands and knees.
The radio suddenly changes without you touching it,
tears running down your face you slam on the transmission into 5th gear and skid off to 5th and Applesauce.
"I'M COMING PARTNER! JUST WAIT FOR ME! I'LL SAVE YOU!"
Memories of you and Norman flash by your eyes, that one time he gave you CPR after eating a relatively long hot dog with your shirts off, that one time when you played shirts and skins tackle football in the mud with each other and only each other, that one time when you forgot to bring your swimsuit into the outdoor hottub and he took his off and offered them to you... Norman...
You turn the corner, screeching the tires the entire way, to discover that it was literally just around the corner.
Norman waves at you, as you skid to a halt.
"NORMAN!" You scream out.
"ANON!" He cries back to you, barely getting hit by stray bullets.
"NORMAN! JUST HOLD ON!"
You wrestle with your seatbelt but for some reason can't get out! Damn! FUCKING NORWEGIAN PIECE OF SHIT UPHOLSTERY!
"ANON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HELP ME OUT HERE!" Norman hollers at you, suddenly taking a bullet right into his shoulder.
"DAMN IT! NORMAN!" You writhe inside your Camarro, feeling powerless against the 1/2 inch piece of cloth.
You have to get out there and save your partner!
Suddenly, You remember that you had your handy dandy Box Knife in your front pocket! You pull it out and use it to reach for your Smith and Winston Lugermorph Mark IV that was in the passenger seat in its own little seatbelt. Struggling in the tense situation you were able to get a finger on the holster and grasp it! You point your trusty firearm at the seatbelt buckle and put your finger on the trigger.
"Wait... this is so fucking stupid." You smack yourself on the forehead as you use the gun as a hammer to try and bash the buckle open. It doesn't work very well, so you decide to use all your manly strength to uproot the entire seat. Somehow it works, and you are able to roll outside of your Camarro, weapon in hand, and car seat strapped to your back like some type of comical slapstick scene.
"ANON! COVER ME!" Norman yells as he clenches his shoulder in pain.
"Gotcha Norman!" you cry out as you charge into the firefight.
"Oh shit man! He's got a car seat strapped to him!" one of the indescribable stereotypical gun thugs said.
"Quickly! Let's abandon our current situation even though we clearly outnumber them!" said another.
The two thugs turn around and call out to the various sharpshooters behind them, the French Foreign legion, an entire pack of Zulu spear throwers, an entire battlion of World War 1 era German soldiers, and several hillbillies all the same first name of "Billy Bob" and told them to retreat.
Quickly, the armada of street violence quickly disappated into the back alleys of 5th and Applesauce, The French Foregin legion swiftly kicking their camels to activate their hyperspace thrusters.
"YEAH YOU BETTER RUN, BECAUSE I'M DETECTIVE ANONYMOUS! THE MAN WHO AIN'T AFRAID OF COWARDS" You yell at the cowardly army, puffing your chest out proudly.
"Wait, did he call us cowards?" you can hear a soft whisper from one of the back alleys.
Suddenly the armada reappears with a fury.
You quickly jump behind the overturned police car that Norman was hiding behind, as the gunfire increases severely.
"NO ONE CALLS US COWARDS AND GETS TO LIVE WITH IT ANONYMOUS!" The clearly has problems with self esteem gun thug screams out in his manly falsetto shrill of a screech.
"Norman, what the hell is going on?" You cover your ears from the clanging of metal on slightly plastic metal because cars aren't just made the way they used to be.
"Anon, I uncovered something HUGE man. There's a huge drug cartel that is located in this city. I wanted to let you know last night, but for some reason you didn't answer your phone."
Norman dodges out of cover and hits a Klansman right in his hood.
Oh right, last night at The Murder Mansion when Applejacks friends, and Twilight too, knocked you unconscious.
"Well being your partner, and your best friend since I've had since Pre-k, I decided to catch up with you.... turns out that ol' Murder Mansion you went to last night with your date? It's the headquarters for a drug cartel headed by a man named Mendoza."
You jump out of cover and shoot several ducks out of the air and a dog comes out of the sewer and proudly shows you your game, before quickly being executed by Isalmic extremists for being too Western.
"Anon...if I don't make it...tell my wife..." Norman begins.
"Don't talk like that." You state plainly with no emotion or acting capabilities.
"Naw Anon listen, if I don't make it, Tell my wife..."
Suddenly a spray of heavy machine artillery fire rips through the Honda Civic, blasting Norman several times in multiple camera angles as he twitches with every searing bullet that passed through his body.
"NORMAN!" You fail to emude any real tension in your voice as your acting falls flat.
You jump up from your hiding position and see the entire armada in front of you, including a Metal Gear Rex firing on your single location.
You slowly crouch down, but then arise with a minigun that shot grenades. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" you began firing your weapon intensily into the crowded army of street thugs, causing millions of dollars of damage to the environment around the battlefield, that ultimately the taxpayer will have to pay for.
With every grenade impact to victim, another was met with an adjacent foe, like an orchestra of Michael Bay proportions. The Metal Gear Rex toppled over and exploded, causing all to explode suddenly in fiery explosiveness except for the two original street thugs.
You stride, still carrying the car seat on your back to the weakened thugs.
"H-hey man, we was just following orders." the bloody injured thug groveled.
"Y-yeah, we give up man." said the other, who had just made fudge and lemonade.
You look down at them, and you grin.
"Catchy one liner" as you pull the trigger blowing the thugs head off in an explosive goryness that you really needed 3-d glasses to fully appreciate.
You sneer at the other thug, and he runs away in tears, but trips over his shoelaces and explodes for whatever reason.
You throw aside your clearly OP weapon and it lands squarely in front of the Detroit "Orphanage for Sick Children That Can Only Be Cured Here" before exploding, and run back to Norman.
You take him in your arms and slap his face.
"Norman, you're going to be fine."
"Damn, damn, damn, Anon. Looks like I ain't gonna make it."
"Norman please... stop."
"Anon...tell my wife... I said...Hello." Norman passes onto Detective Heaven. He drops a photo of the drug cartel leader. You pick it up, as Normans blood dripped from the photo, and you cry out into the endless city expanse so that the entire world would know your vendetta.
The Naked Apple 3 1/3: How I learned to stop whining and love the Apple
You kick open the door and Applejack continues to thrust her energetic hips deeper and deeper into your stomach. She bites your neck, and you feel a shock of ecstacy run down your spine, elating every nerve within your nethers. You grasp her hair and draw her neck back as you rub your stubble twain her neck.
"Unhhhhhhhhhh.......God Anon........"
Applejack thrusts her hips harder into your chest as you continue to lick up and down her neck.
"Fuck me Anon......Fuck me right now!"
You bite her earlobe a little bit. Her leg kicks out in excitement as her nails dig into your back. She pulls her weight behind her as she has you collapse on top of her unto her bed.
With an excitedable hand she quickly unfastens your khakis, as you ravenousaly remove her blouse, freeing her precious twin bosoms from their chambers. You bury your stubbled face next to them as you firmly embrace them with your open palm.
"Mmmmmmmmm......yeah..... that feels so goooood." Applejack moans as she grasps your raging erection and begins throttling it.
Your stubbled chin dwindles slowly to the edge of her skirt, where the scent of feminitity was rampart, Applejack cluctched harder on your throbbing member, the nearer you drew to her garden. You pull back slightly at the panty line, as she runs her finger against the swollen center of your beast, releasing a welcoming moistness, to herald in the wild call.
With a firm, yet nimble tug, you release her privvies from their bindings, revealing an open and welcoming nestling place for your enraged member
You stared into her hungry, eager eyes as she stared back into yours.
"I love you Applejack." You pant, rubbing the head of your member gainst the sensitive lobes of her blooming flower.
"Ah love you too Anon." She wrapped her arms around your back, and quickly thrusted her tongue into your mouth.
With a quick pull back, you did the same, your member quickly filling up every emptiness within Applejack, colliding with every sensation starving nerve within her womanhood. With every thrust you could feel her clench harder and harder into your back, as if carving her estacy into your back for all the world to see.
Every swing, you returned with greater force, deeper and deeper, fuller and fuller. Your eyes came in contact with hers again, as she smiled and bit your neck.
You clench your teeth and caress her neck and breasts as you continue filling her emptiness.
The gap began closing, quicker...quicker...her nails dug deep into your back, deeper...deeper. she lost grip and began holding the metal back frame. Closer....closer....
"OHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
You suddenly get clonked on the head with the metal piece.
You pull out, and lay on the heavely beating chest of your beloved Southern Dixie Belle, her hand around your neck. You reach up and grab it, as you whisper to her.
"Never let go."
"I never will."
The Naked Apple 3 1/3: How I learned to stop whining and love the Apple
The First Date is Always the Applelest
A panoramic view of a war torn city filled with smoke and fires as far as the eyes can see. A man jumps out of a humvee with an Ak-47 and full bullet proof vest arsenal. A subtitle appears at the bottom of the screen that reads "Typical Day Detroit"
We fade into the a looming tall dark fortress called the "INSERT POLTICIAL JOKE HERE" where several neer do well individuals are sitting at a long dinner table arugeing over each other with loud cries of ROBBLE ROBBLE.
One manages to speak up. "Its not simply enough that we ban all pony merchandise! We must humiliate those who love pony! We must make them suffer!
Many nods and cheers of agreement were had, but then a man with a large nose slammed his fist on the table. "You think too small La Tinker, we must drag the fans down themselves, straight to the stores, and force them to buy our product while we continue to laugh at them." Many more nods were had.
Another short and mannish thing stepped up "This is not suitable for I, Yamino-sama, I say we simply destroy the fandom at once!"
Megan Mccarthy stood up and screams at Yamino-Sama. "AND WHAT? DESTROY 2 1/2 YEARS OF SUBTLE MOCKERY? I HAVE SOME OF THEM THINKING I AM A GOOD GUY! HAVE YOU SEEN THEIR POLLS? I'M MORE POPULAR THEN HER!"
The man at the head of the table spun his chair around and slammed his palms on the desk. "Evil Villians and Villianesses Please!" he put his white cat down as he fidgeted his "Hi my name is Brian Goldner" sticker on his shirt. "If we cannot come to agreement, we must simply make an agreement to do at least one act of betrayal against the fandom that has made our show popular, to show really who is in charge! To show that the fandom is nothing more than autistic, fat, lazy, uncleaned cowards, unwilling to break away from their virgin fantasies, ripe for devastation and belittiling."
Be you.
ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT!
You pull off the shroud wrapped around your head, and begin punching the closet enemy to you! Megan Mccarthney comes at you swinging fake updates and troll twitter messages as you flip her over your shoulder and pile drive her into the pink and purple coloured table. The man with the large nose pulls out two gold sacs attached to each other by a string as he swings them like nunchucks. You kick him in the balls and down he goes. La Tinker and Yamino-Sama join hands and try to fight you like a Siamese Twin Martial Artsxie. You clonk both of their heads like a Three Stooges sketch and pull down their pants. You take a magnifying glass and show the audience their mighty tiny penises as you say. "I KNEW IT"
Brian Goldner reaches into a giant pot and pulls out a giant purple foam scimitar and swings it at you. You grab him by his Transformers tie at punch him repeatedly like hitting a punching bag. You stand on the table, your enemies vanquished and take off your pants. You go for the window.
Brian Goldner shakes his fist at you. "W-who are you?"
You turn around, pants around your knees.
"I'm Anon. And if I catch you guys trying to mess with /mlp again I'll make sure you'll never see another day."
You turn around and fall out the window as the real credits start playing.
You get into your 1995 Camarro and blare the sirens. You turn on the radio and this starts playing.
You drive on the sidewalk, you drive into a womens gym, you drive into a mansion, you drive into a roller coaster, you drive into a hospital, you drive into a golf course, you drive into DOOM 2, you drive into an aquarium, you drive into a preschool.
You finally pull up to Applejacks house.
You get out of the car as the orchestra finishes its final sting as you pop your collar, pants still hanging at your ankles.
You ring the doorbell.
Your ass begins itching, goddamn leather seat interiors. You begin itching the pink hearted boxers. I mean you really are digging at that itchiness, damn its worse than fire ants with hot clothespins down there. You unknowingly tear off your boxers shorts and they fling right at homeless man who was precariously gardening his roof top garden. He falls at hits the sidewalk with a deafening thud. You look around, and begin waving your hand around your ass, thinking it was a fart.
"Honey! Im Home!" you call out.
Your green ass shines brightly to the people of the street as cars begin colliding noticing a pantless man in front of a house.
You hear a voice from inside.
"Oh its you Anon! Just a minute, let me slip into something more comfortable!"
You check your watch and see the homeless man sitting on the sidewalk. "Tsk tsk," he puts his hand up in pain begging for help, as you put two cents into his open palm, and you swing around, accidentally hitting him the face with your arms.
Applejack opens the door, and she is in full Victorian Era garb, powdered wig and all, with a hoop dress, a frilly fan and a tight corset.
You open your arms. "Stinky butt!" you lovingly cry out.
"Funny face!" she cries out as she hugs you.
You hug, and she notices your not wearing any pants, nor underwear as she chuckles.
"Ahh, y'all didn't haft to be all welcom'n on our first date Anon."
You give her a quizzical look, she points to your nethers. EGADS! YOUR PRIVVIES ARE BEHELD!
You raise your hand and smack Applejack across her glorious apple shaped ass and tell her to shut her whore mouth.
She takes her two fingers and pokes your eyes as she states "Banana Banana can't make me Planna"
You both smack your ankles and do a spin while having one finger on the top of your head while reciting "MEATBALL MEATBALL SPAGHETTI UNDERNEATH, RAVIOLI RAVIOLI GREAT BARRIER REEF"
You both finish and she gives you a giant grin. "Ah can't believe you remembered our secret handshake Anon."
You blush and grab the back of your neck. "Ain't nothing to it darlin."
She flutters her eyes at you very lustfully. "Oh! Didja remember our tickets to the murder mansion show tonight? Ya did remember right? We are going with all of our friends, and Twilight will be there as well".
"Yup! I've got them right here!" You unzip your dick and pull out two tickets. She smiles mightly at you. "Great, come on inside Anon,Ive got a couple of things to finish up, but then we should be ready to head out then."
You walk inside as Applejack takes off her Ballroom Gown and Powdered Wig to reveal an already different outfit underneath as she walks to her kitchen. You notice all the confederate flags right next to her Soviet Union cabinent in her living room. You well up in pride as you sing the Soviet National Anthem in your manly falsetto voice.
"My oh my Anon, I didn't know you sang!" She chimes from the kitchen.
A single manly tear runs from your face. Soviet Stronk.
Noticing you still dont have pants on, you slip on her Ballroom Gown and her Powdered Wig, damn stockings with their garterbelts are getting stuck on your thigh hair. You can hear Applejack calling from the kitchen.
"Hey Anon! Ya hungry? I'm making us a little vittlins before we head on out."
You walk in the kitchen, slightly getting stuck in the doorway with your wide hoop hips and your giant Powdered wig.
"So Anon, I'm really glad ya finally asked me out on a date." Applejack states as she is stirring a pot of sauce not really looking in your direction. You struggle as you push your leg to get some leverage. Your leg goes through the drywall.
"Ah mean, I've had a crush on ya since I was a little girl, and mah friends are always teasin me and why I don't have a man quite yet." she puts some spices into the sauce and also an apple. You struggle repeatedly with your wide Ballroom Gown as your wig begins haphazardly swinging on top of your head. You pull out a hot poker right next to you from the fireplace and you try to cut at the dress.
" I mean, heck, it got so bad that Rainbow was sayin she wouldn't mind takin some time and taking me out to dinner. Of all the nerve!" as she ducked back into the refridgerator.
You begin to start smelling a burning smell, Oh shit the dress has caught fire! You take off your wig and begin beating the flame, but the wig catches fire too and it burns your hands! You toss it into the air, as it flies right into the giant pot of sauce, splashing Applejack all over her outfit and her eyes.
"CONSARN IT, Ah cooked it too long! Now I gotta go change, watch mah kitchen for me Anon."
She quickly rushes past you and runs to her bedroom upstairs. You walk over to the pot of sauce, there is A wig, apples, and other spices in there. Oh well, may have been a delicious dinner. You notice a tentacle reach up from the sauce as a bubble comes out and says "QUICKLY, SHUT DOWN THE REACTOR"
You slam the lid on the pot and throw it out the window. The homeless man who fell off the roof was limping his way to the hospital and looked up right as the pot of inediblness was about to hit him.
You hear an agonizing scream from outside, and you shrug your shoulders.
You get a smug look on your face. To be honest, you've thought of this for a very long time. Applejack, with those heavy bounding bosoms of hers, that sweet glorious apple shaped rear, and the sweet beauty of her dixie land shine.... you can't really keep yourself away from the thought. You really should, considering you aren't wearing pants.
You decide that the kitchen can watch itself, and you sneak up the stairway, as to not alert Applejack to your perverse actions.
You carefully take one step at a time. First step, you step on a bike horn as it lets out a loud BRRRRRRRRRT. the next step you step on a cat as it yowls in pain, you start rushing, you step on a car alarm, a tuba player, and a flock of geese, which all loudly give off their respective sounds.
HAH....hah.... you made it to the top of the stairs. There's her bedroom, her door is slightly open. You sneak across the wall, your member raging in anticipation to the sight of your slightly naked miss.
You peek your eye in the crack. There she is... she is pulling up her panties covering up her glorious orange ass, as she lets the elastic snap against her hips. FUCKING UNF.
She puts up her hair and faces toward you, oh, she hasn't a bra on. Her bounding breasts jiggle with every step she takes, and your member is literally vibrating at the speed of 10 epiletic Michael J Foxes on a laser light show Tilt a Whirl. She begins combing her hair as she starts humming a Soviet tune. Every stroke of her arm sends another jiggle of her breast, up...down...up...down...
You can't help it anymore, your hand begins lowering...and lowering...
And comes right on top of a bow.
"HIYA ANON!"
Your dick becomes flaccid in ten seconds flat. There was Applebloom standing right in front of you, about to watch you twerk your wizard stick right in front of her.
"WHATCHA LOOKIN AT?"
OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT DAMAGE CONTROL TIME.
" I, uh.. um..."
You get scared and crouch down and grab Applebloom by the shoulders.
"Applebloom, you can all of the icecream in the freezer if you leave RIGHT NOW AND NEVER QUESTION THIS AGAIN."
She gives up a thumbs up and winks at you.
suddenly you hear gunshots and loud urban youth cries as a car screeches off in the distance. Unfortuantly, you scare rather easy despite being a police detective with the police squad.
You throw Applebloom throw Applejacks door ripping her clothes in the process as she lands squarely on Applejacks bed with a "Pompf"
Applejack looks at Applebloom, who looks back at you, and then Applejack looks at you.
Applebloom blushes and rushes out of the room with Applejacks blankets around her. "I HATE YOU ANON!"
Applejack looks at you. "What was that about?"
You shake your head, "I don't know". Your member is still twitching slightly, Applejack still hasn't been fully clothed yet, to which she takes notice to.
She bites her lip at you. "Hmm.... Anon... were y'all peeping on me?"
You begin sweating profusely, you've been found out. You fidget at your tie slightly, "I uh... well the thing is."
She grabs your tie and pulls your face into hers. She stares right into your eyes.
"Yer a naughty boy Anon." She swings you by the tie as you land on her bed. She begins crawling on top of you.
THOSE SWEET GLOROIUS MOUNTIANS ARE RIGHT ABOVE YOUR FACE!
"Want a better look Anon?" she says with a lusty look on her face
You nod your head repeatedly. FUCK YES.
She begins lowering her chest right to your face... when suddenly her cellphone rings.
"Ugh... hold on a minute." She crawls off you, "You hold on too lil Anon." she pokes your member slightly. She picks up her phone.
"YES HELLO? WHADYA WANT?" she answer impaitently.
"Wait... WHAT? WHERE? WHEN?"
She slams the phone shut, and quickly puts her clothes on.
"Anon someone stole yer car! RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE! GO PUT ON SOME PANTS,ITS MYSTERY TIME!
No sexy time yet
You throw on a pair of blue jeans, odd. You can fit into Applejacks pants... guess you can say you got into her pants! But enough with mexican puns, time to collect some information!
Applejack and you run outside, and see several dead Urban Youths on the street. Not anything different than usual Detroit, but this time your car is missing. You go to one of the dying youths and you ask.
"WHO DID THIS?"
He looks at you and cries slightly.
"A bat..."
"Yes, when your all healed up I'll get you a baseball bat, now who did this?"
"No... a car."
"Yes thats right, a car, its a thing that has wheels and a motor and takes you destination to destination.
"No... gun..."
"Im all for it for gun control, but don't you see we need firearms in this country to defend our freedoms."
He grabs your tie. "No...bat...car gun...." he passes onto Urban Youth Heaven.
You pull out your cellphone and call into the office. " Yes, Commisioner? Be on the lookout for Batman, appairently he's been stealing cars and gunning down urban youths."
Applejack looks at you with a frown as she sits down on the now dead Urban youth
"Well shucks Anon, we've only got an hour to get to the Murder Mansion Show, and yer car is gone. How are we going to get there now?"
You take Applejack by the hand and pick her up. "Its no problem! We are in Detroit! The automotive capital of the world! Yes Detroit with its rich smog filled air and its decaying infastructure and dying economy, truly a city beyond words or recognition."
Suddenly a friend of yours pulls up to you on his super tricked out bicycle built for two. Its our neighbourhood/fellow detective pal Norman!
"Hey Anon, Hey AJ," he gives you two a fist bump. "Whats up?"
Applejack kicks her boot in midair and says. "Some varmint went and stole Anon's car!"
Norman turns to you, "Noooooo not the Camarro you got from your dad after he passed in the first Gulf war!"
You drop your head in remeberance of your late father. War is always hell, but the way he went out was particulary harsh. It was Christmas 1992 when you had recieved word that your father was brutally attacked by attack hippos with laser guided sweatervests riding on top of steamrollers in a parade. He died taking out a whole platoon of them before ultimately being shot, then hitting his head off a pipe, burning his hand on a stove, then getting stuck on wet paint, then getting his fingers slammed on a closing window, then smashing his face into a wedding cake, then stepping on a bear trap, right before he fell off a boat, subsquently drowning. A hero's death indeed.
Norman pats you on the shoulder. "Its no trouble Anon. Here, I know you have a date tonight." He gets off his awesomely tricked out bicycle built for two and hands it to you.
"Really Norman? You really mean it?"
Norman gives you a thumbs up. "yeah, go have fun tonight bro!"
Applejack kisses Norman on the cheek, and gets on the bicycle. Norman slips you a little something. "Here man... for protection" he slips you a gun.
"Uhh, Norman, I thought you were supposed to hand me a condom"
Normans eyes shift around. "Nah bro not that kind of protection." he sees a cackling green midget dart from the street dropping gold coins.
you begin riding off to the murder mansion show across town. But you had a good hour to spend with the girl you are dating.
Suddenly this song starts playing
You go to the beach, where you throw a small beach ball at her, as it falls right at you, and then you get hit right in the face with a giant one.
You try to get cotton candy, but end up pulling up a Pink thing that just prrts its tongue at you.
You go to a tattoo parlor and laugh about feminism as you and Applejack are getting tattoos.
You go to a hotdog stand as you try to get ketchup on your hotdog, you accidentally squirt Applejack with it. She squirts mustard at you back in retaliation, the hotdog vendor laughs at you both then squirt both bottles at him.
You end up at a rodeo and get kicked off of a horse, as Applejack comes out as a rodeo clown and kicks the horse right in the face.
You are kissing on top of a randomly placed schooner at the beach again.
You both leave the movie theater with your sides in orbit after seeing "Les Miserables"
You end up back at the beach holding hands running across the tide as you both clothesline another couple running toward you.
You finish your montage, and realize only 5 minutes have gone by.
WELL FUCK.
You have another hour and 25 minutes to kill.
The homeless man, now with severe burns, bite marks, and two broken legs, continues limping to the hospital. He stops for a moment and looks at the sun. "You sure are doing your job today Mister Sun." he catches aflame.
You cover your eyes, it certainly is a bright day out today, unusually hot. Oh no... it can't be... you pull out your cellphone and call the Commissioner.
"Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz. Was there a sacrifice given today to our almighty sun god? No? What do you mean no virgins in Detroit anymore? What do you mean record high single mother rates? What do you mean I can save my money by switching to Geico?" You slam your cellphone against the ground.
"Something wrong sugercube?" Applejack touches your shoulder giving you a look of concern.
You take her hand and give her a serious look of concern. "No it isn't Applejack. I'm going to tell you a horrible secret, and Im trusting you not to tell another human soul about this." She nods her head and gulps.
"You see, the sun is a living breathing angry thing that attacks you when it isn't appeased. It is the number one killer of Italians outside of giant fish. Every day we must sacrifice a virgin to the sun and worship it so that it may continue to give us its bounty of precious Sunny D and Capri Sun."
Applejack brings her hand up to her mouth, she is absolutely mortified.
"And Detroit just ran out of virgins."
an akward moment of silence between the two of you. "What are we gunna do Anon?"
"Something drastic Applejack."
You get off the bike, fall on your knees and turn towards Equestria High. " ALL PRAISE THE SUN, THE SUN IS MY MASTER. MIKA LIKA HIGH MIKA HINEY HO."
This goes on for 5 minutes before a random white limo appears, rolls down its window, and throw a bottle of Sunny D at you.
"THANK YOU GLORIOUS BASED SUN GODDESS, MAY YOU CONTINUE TO SHINE BRIGHTLY WITH YOUR MASSIVENESS."
"IM NOT THAT FAT." Principal Celestia screams as she dives her head into more cake.
CRISES AVERTED!
Its about that time to head over to the Oswald Murder Mansion show.
It took you about 45 minutes to get there. Applejack gets off the bike first, sweating a little bit. "Woo wee, what a ride Anon! Im glad we finally made it!"
You are wheezing are trying not to pass out and look like a pussy in front of Applejack. You need to work out more.
Applejack stumbles slightly, and falls right into your chest. "Ooops. I'm a might sorry Anon, guess the trip took a little bit more outta me than I thought." She says grabbing the back of her neck and blushing.
"No problem.... at...gasp...all."
"C'mon lover boy, everybody's waiting inside." She picks you up, and throws you on her shoulder. Damn! She is like Wonder Woman or something!
She kicks down the door. "I'M HERE EVERYBODY, AND I BROUGHT MY" time goes super slow motion for some reason. "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN" Suddenly out of fucking nowhere Applejacks 5 other friends just fucking zerg rush out of nowhere and begin inspecting you like crazy.
"Huh, so THIS is Anon. I don't see whats so great about him." Said Rainbow Dash begrudgingly.
"I don't know... he seems...nice.." said Fluttershy.
"Hmm.. it looks like his biometrics seem a bit off, would you like some hydration?" Twilight said poking at your forehead.
"Twilight please! Can't you see that is jsut because of his manly demeanor? The man just screams Adonis" said Rarity.
"OHMYGOSHHINICETOMEETYOUMYNAMEISPINKIEANDOHMYGOSHYOUARESOCUTEIMSOJEALOUSJKNOTREALLYBUTTOTALLYFORREAL." Pinkie said with a hyper tone to her voice.
You look at Applejack with a pleading look of help. She chuckles, "That's enough gals, he's with me."
They all go to her and they begin chatting it up.
You brush yourself off. The mansion is huge! You see some other guests as well. A plum professor, a mustard colonel, and a scarlett madam. Huh. That seems familiar.
You take a deep breath, you didn't ask for this. Well, yeah you kind of did, you did ask Applejack out on a date, and you did offer to take her to this very mansion, but what you weren't expecting was her inviting all her friends to show you off like some type of trophy. You need a cigarette.
You pull out a cigarette and light it up. All the girls look at you with awe.
"Ooooooooooooh, he's one of those bad boy types isn't he?" Rarity chuckles as she nudges Applejack.
Rainbow Dash makes a barfing noise. "Blech, I HATE smokers."
"Oh... is that clove? I love clove!" Fluttershy remarks smelling the air like a hungry puppy.
"Oh Applejack, you do know you can catch all sorts of diseases from second hand smoke like cancer, breast cancer, lung cancer..." Twilight drones on.
"OMYGOSHLIKEWTFTOTALLYWTFAREYOUDOINALLTHISSMOKEISKILLINGMEACKBLAHOHTHISACTUALLYSMELLSPRETTYGOODMAYBEISHOULDSTARTSMOKING." Pinkie continues to ramble on as she makes a fake fainting motion.
Applejack rolls her eyes at you, you get the clue. You go back outside and finish your cigarette.
You notice your car in the parking lot, you get into the drivers side and look for any hints to who could have possibly stolen it in the first place. Huh. Nothing. You accidentally let go of the parking brake as you get out.
Huh How curious You slam your hand down on the trunk and the car pulls away downhill You begin shooting at the automobile to disable the driver. All the shots miss, as you call out "Did anyone get a tag off the plate? Anyone?" The car fell off of a cliff and into a plane control tower and exploding into 10 billion pieces The air traffic controllers saw it coming and screamed "ITS COMING RIGHT AT US" and they jumped out the window and also exploded You could swear you hear someone screaming but it was probably just the wind
You finish your cigarette when the scarlett madame comes out as well and asks you for a lighter.
You take your lighter and hold it to her, she goes to reach for it, and then you suddenly crush it right in front of her.
You walk back into the mansion and grab Applejack around the waist and deeply kiss her. Your leg kicks back as does her, as all her friends go "Oooooooooooooooooooo"
Applejack pulls away. "Now what was all THAT for pardner?"
You fix your tie, "Just remembering how much I like you." you give her a wink as she blushes profusey. Rainbow Dash crosses her arms. "It wasn't THAT cool..." Fluttershy and Rarity are busy fanning themselves off at the display of your manliness, Twilight was busy scribbling away at her notebook as Pinkie Pie was hopping up and down talking random repeated nonsense.
Suddenly a butler descends from the ceiling like a ghost and whispers loudly. "NOW IS TIME FOR DINNER"
You, Applejack, The other 5, the Plum Professor, The Mustard Colonel, and The very pissed of Scarlett Madame all make your way to the dining room.
How enormous this room is! It could fit 50 Indian elephants in here! Or approximately 2 Oprahs!
You pull out a chair for Applejack as she blushes, and Rarity whispers something to Twilight. Something along the lines of "Thats how a REAL man acts Twilight, not like your boorish and crude man."
Once everyone was seated, the butler announced loudly again. "PLEASE STAND FOR THE HONORABLE FUDGE JUDGE." You all rise for whatever reason, but not because you have to or anything... b-baka.
A short stubby black man in a judges outfit appears and sits down. "Y'ALL MUTTERFUCKAS CAN BE SEATED NAW."
Oh fuck. a negative stereotype. Here we go.
"DINNER BE SERVED YO."
You all sit back down as kitchen staff start handing out plates of Watermelon, Fried Chicken, and Grape Soda.
You can see Applejack glaring daggers at the Judge and throwing her meal under the table She does a head nod at you and leaves the table
You kick your feet back and stretch. This is some really good fucking chicken. You take a swig from your grape soda and look at Applejacks friends.
"So you 5, whats your story? Why are you here tonight?"
Fluttershy twitches in her chair slighty. "Well uh...umm..."
Rainbow Dash gets up and grabs Fluttershy. "C'mon Fluttershy let's go. Fluttershy gives you a meek smile, as she is drug off by Rainbow.
Well that was rude and confusing. "What about you Rarity?"
"Oh well, I, OH I JUST FORGOT SOMETHING INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT." she quickly stands up and runs off.
What the fuck. "Pinkie, c'mon I know you have something to say."
Pinkie smiles at you and begins fidgeting in her chair. "MMPRHMPMPMPMRPMPMHHMPMRPMPM."
"Pinkie, swallow your food. then talk." Twilight sighs as she pokes Pinkie with a fork. Pinkie swallows her mouthful of chicken and repeats herself. "IWASJUSTSAYINGHOWTHISISALLJUSTASETPUANDACTUALLYWE'REHEREBECAUSEWEPLANNEDTHISOU--"
Twilight covers Pinkies mouth and laughs nervousally at you. "Oh look at the time, I have important, umm... girl things to do. C'mon Pinkie." She grabs Pinkie by the back of her collar as Pinkie kept on trying to crawl back to the table to finish her dinner.
Okay. Something is definately fishy in the state of Norway. You look at the judge who is happily enjoying his Watermelon.
"So Fudge Judge, did you get a look at my wicked sweet ride earlier?" He freezes for a second, and inquires further. "What sweet ride foo?"
"The bike I've got outside, its got sweet chrome and hydralic lifts on it. And it has a pink basket and a bell that rings." The judge gets up quickly and states "I have important Black Guy things to do." and rushes off. The Plum Professor, Mustard Colonel and Scarlett Madame all glare at each other, As they all leave at different times from one another.
You are now alone, there is a whole bunch load of fried chicken left, you decide to take it with you and find Applejack.
You walk out of the dining room, and see a blue skirt out of the corner of your eye. Ach, there she be! You run after Applejack. "Hey Applejack! Hold on!" You continue to run after her as you hear a slight chuckle coming from her. You start dropping fried chicken everywhere, "APPLEJACK, WAIT UP!"
Suddenly you get pulled into a dark room.
Your fight or flight instincts kick in, which unfortuantly means scream like a little girl and lactate from your nipples.
"Really Anon, Ah thought ya were more manlier than tat."
Oh! Its Applejack. You feel her lips meet yours, "Wait a moment Applejack... wasn't I just chasing you down the hallway?"
"Whaddya mean Anon? I've been waitin here since dinner got started! You feel her chest bump against yours as she kisses you over and over again.
"I was thinking about how you took me and kissed me right in front of all mah friends. I wanted to show you mah gratitude. She takes your hands, and puts them on her breasts. Her nipples are rock hard, every flick you give them lets out a sudden moan. She starts guiding your hands downwards. Oh man... she's serious as fuck about this!
"Applejack... can you turn on a light real quick? I can't see that well. I want to see it all."
"No problem sugarcube." You feel her push you to the ground, you land on something soft yet spongy. You feel her legs wrap around you as she turns on the lights.
Sure as sunshine it was her, her eyes filled with incredible lust, sweat dripping off her topless cleavage, she was completely stripped, her nethers soaked with anticipation.
Her face suddenly fell as she brought a hand up to her mouth.
"A---anon...."
Uh oh, did you fart or something?
"What is it Applejack?"
She points a shaking finger underneath you.
You look underneath you and you see....
You look eye to eye with an eye through a small hole right beneath you looking at both you and Applejack!
The eye quickly disappears as you hear a voice shrilly yelling "OH NO MY MEATBALLS HINGLE DINGLE DURGLE." You suddenly hear a loud thud and a loud fart after wards. You and Applejack both shrug as you stand up and pick her up. She wraps her legs around your torso, and you begin kissing deeply again. You kiss her neck, and she tenses her legs tighter around you.
"Oh God yes Anon! FUCK ME!" You slam her against the wall as you both lose yourself in passion. But as you hit the wall, you suddenly lose footing. Applejack gets flung from your arms, and you wind up on your ass.
"Ugh. What the hell was that?" You hold your head as you look around for Applejack. Its darker than Shaquielle O Neals ballsack at midnight, you throw your hands out blindly to find your way. Ah! There she is! You can tell by the breast! You squeeze down hard on sweet glorious tit, and you kiss her again.
"Shall we continue dear?" Your member raging with the fury of a thousand suns.
"Oh by all means darling, just don't get it in my hair."
Wut.
You find a light switch.
You just groped Rarity
You just made out with Rarity.
And also for some reason the Plum Professor is dead.
Rarity does a high shrill as suddenly everyone except Applejack bursts into the room and does an over the top gasp at the dead body of the Plum Professor. Except for Rainbow Dash who thought you were trying to rape Rarity and punches you in the stomach while screaming "FEMINIST POWER".
Well. This is interesting.
You take your fist and plow into Rainbow Dash's ribs as you scream "EQUALITY WITHOUT ENTITLEMENT YOU HYPOCRITICAL CUNT!" She falls back and coughs up a little bit of blood. "Not bad... not bad at all Anon..."
Fluttershy looks shocked and dismayed "W-wha happened?"
Twilight walked over to the dead Professor and crouched down with a magnifying glass. "Hmm... it seems his life vitals have been cut short due to a severe laceration to the cranium."
"You mean he's been beaten to death?" You say out loud.
Twilight looks a little stammered. "Uh...well yes!, how did you know that?"
You go over to the dead body, and begin inspecting for fingerprints and spraying luminol for blood particles. "I see this all the time, sick fucks get a kick out of murder, not on my fucking date."
Twilight backs off nervousally, as she looks at Rarity and Fluttershy.
Fluttershy speaks up. "Uh... how much of this do you see as a dog walker Anon?"
You look back at her with a look of crazy OHSHITNIGGERWHATAREYOUDOING. "What are you talking about? I'm a homicide detective, and I'm one of the best."
You turn your back to them, but if you hadn't you would've seen their collective faces drop in horror and shock.
"Ha...ha... That's a funny joke Anon." Rarity nervousally shuffled.
"Applejack told us you were a dogwalker." Twilight said inquisitivly.
"Oh yeah, that, yeah. She had to tell you something, and I didn't want to scare her friends off by telling them I work with criminals and stiffs everyday." you say as you dig into your pocket to call up Norman.
You go for your cellphone, and dial up Norman.
"Yeah, its me. Look I got a stiff here up at Oswal-------------" suddenly your vision goes completely black. The last thing you hear is a combination of Norman yelling "Anon? ANON?" and Twilight berating Pinkie Pie "PINKIE? WHY DID YOU DO THAT? HE IS AN OFFICER OF THE LAW, OH MY GOD, WE JUST KILLED A POLICE DETECTIVE.... OH MY GOD WE KILLED APPLEJACKS BOYFRIEND."
You wake up, damn you can't move. You try to open your mouth a little... damn your completely hogtied AND gagged. This is not how tonight was suppose to happen, not until at least much later and with Applejack.
"So sorry darling, but you must understand, this is for Applejacks sake." You hear Rarity!
'MMMMMMMGFGKMFGKMFGMFKGMFGMMMM.' You muffle in anger.
"I know you are angry dear, but if you only played with the charade and kept with the program we wouldn't be in this weird situation." You can hear her sit down with a thump. "Well, maybe if we had known you were a detective before all of this, we would've picked a better date idea."
You feel her hand on your hand.
"I knew it couldn't be true, such a big strong man like yourself, being a lowly dogwalker.
You feel her finger run across your chest.
"What do you see in Applejack anyway Detective? I can understand that nights must sure be lonely for an officer like you. Dealing with so many vile men, and stiffs. Oh... speaking of stiffs."
You feel her hand unbuckling your belt, and taking your pants off. "My.... quite the lively culprit down here."
You shake and twist your body as you muffle with rage. You feel her prodding at your member. THATS NOT FOR YOU, ITS FOR MUH WAIFU!
You hear her laugh, "Well, I'll act like a lady and simply just steal a kiss from you, instead of giving into my lustful ways.
You feel her rip the duct tape from your mouth and press her lips against yours. Disgusting, it tastes like semen and cigarette butts. (Also marshmellows)
In that single moment, you were able to get one leg free. She is still distracted by your kiss.
You pull out your leg and sweep Rarity off her feet not in a romantic way, but in a literal and violent way. She falls, accidentally freeing your other leg. You can move, thats an improvement.
You run backwards and hit the wall behind you, loosening the ropes that bounded you. With your hands free you loosen the gag over your eyes.
You see Rarity unconscious, and a room filled with TV monitors everywhere. What... the living fuck? You can look into every room of the house at once... Theres Applejack! And she's yelling at someone... wait.... THATS YOU!? HOW CAN SHE BE YELLING AT YOU WHEN YOU ARE RIGHT HERE? WHAT THE SAM HELL IS GOING ON?
Applejack storms off camera, as the Fake Anon looks up at the camera, and stares back at you. A shiver runs down your spine... he knows your here.
Fuck this, you got to get out of here.
You kick open the door, and feel a blast of cold air hit you. Before you was a massive labrynth maze, you hear a small feminine chuckle that sounded like Applejack from within it the walls of the maze, but you also see a ladder right next to you.
You look at the ladder, and then you look at the deep, dark, possibly booby trapped maze in front of you. You see Applejack? appear at the end of a long corridor, giggling at you, and then disappearing into the corridors.
Against all normal logic or reason, you decide to head deeper into the catacombs before you even though there was a perfectly good ladder right next to you that would've gotten you to your plot point quicker,
You feel the cold wet bricks against your hands, as you slosh through the dank dungeon. Seriously, where the fuck is this place? You hear the giggles of Applejack?leading you on forward.
Am I beneath the mansion? That would make sense considering how this is all one giant stage theater show.
You suddenly come to a stop, your in a round room with a giant well in the middle of it. Several torches keep the room brightened, and you see Applejack?,
still completely naked, beckoning you forward with her finger curling at you. She turns around and jumps into the abyss.
You can still turn back you know, take one of the torches, and use it to guide yourself back to the ladder.
You aren't really thinking about jumping down that abyss? There's no way you could get out!
You grab a torch and head back to where the ladder was. That shit be way 2spooky. There could've been skellytons down there!
You dredge through the maze again as you hear wails echoing off the walls. "Don't cha like me Anon" "Anon come back to me." "Anon.... I need you Anon...."
Nope, fucking nope. You begin sprinting the fuck out of here, you reach the ladder, and you quickly climb it.
Be Rarity, wake up with a splitting headache... OH CRAP ANON IS MISSING. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP. Ooooooh all you were supposed to do was to keep an eye on him, but no you and your selfish ways.... hmph... now Applejack will never have a true storybook romance. You pout and cross your arms. Suddenly you notice someone at the door. Its Anon! He is completely nude, and beckoning you forward with his finger. Hmm... good decision hes made. You follow after him, and you can see him disappear into the maze. Hohoho.... playing hard to get are we Anon? You walk deeper into the catacombs, and into the darkness, as a cold wind blows.
Be Anon.
You swear you can hear a chuckle from behind you, but you shake it off. Damn, that place was spooky. You are back in the mansion again, enough of this malarky, time to find Applejack and leave this crazy place. You take one step, and then are suddenly met with yourself.
"AH!" He yells out. He turns the other direction and begins sprinting like crazy.
" STOP BREAKING THE LAW ASSHOLE!" you scream as you chase after him.
Fake Anon begins screaming off the top of his lungs "FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE."
The Fake Anon bursts through the dining room and tries to lock the door. Luckily, your door bashing stamina is extremely high.
You bash through the door, right on top of Fake Anon, and you look up.
What.
The.
Fuck.
There is ANOTHER you standing before Fudge Judge as Twilight Rainbow Applejack Mustard Colonel and Madame Scarlett are all on a jury
Applejack stands up. "WHATS THE MEANING BEHIND ALLA DIS?"
Fudge Judge smacks his gavel repeatedly "ORDER IN DIS MUTTERFUCKIN COURT"
"No Fuck you, you aren't even a real judge!" You pull out your detective badge, and suddenly the judge throws his hands up in the air. "Guilty officer. You can arrest me now" You roll your eyes.
Applejack runs up to you, and looks at your face. She touches your cheek, and smiles. "Its really you isn't it Funny face?"
You grab her hand and smile back at her. "You bet Stinky Butt."
Applejack then looks at Fake Anon 1 and Fake Anon 2. "Then who the hay are these two then?"
You cross your arms and look sternly at Twilight, and Rainbow as they are lowering themselves into their own chairs.
"Yeah, WHO ARE THEY?"
You pick up the fake Anons by the collars and rip off their masks. No surprise.
Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.
"Aw... you caught me Anon." Pinkie giggled.
"Oh....I'm so so so so sorry Anon..."
You crack your knuckles, but suddenly Applejack put her arm right in front of you. "No Anon, this is my fight to be fought.
"WHAT IN THE FLYING HELL DO Y'ALL GALS THINK YER DOIN DRESSIN UP LIKE ANON AND SCREWIN AROUND WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS? YOU AIN'T NO REAL FREINDS!"
Twilight lowers her head. "I'm sorry Applejack... its just."
"Its just we wanted you to be so happy." Rainbow interuptted.
So we thought of this totally awesome idea to make you and Anon totally fall in love with each other which somehow accidentally totally blew up right in our faces, so we knocked Anon out, and tried doing it ourselves which turned out even worse." Pinkie rambled.
Fluttershy teared up. "Can you ever forgive us Applejack?"
Applejack sighed. "I understand your intentions were good and all... but... seriously. What the fuck. I love y'all, but seriously. For right now, I think I just want to go home with Anon."
They all shook their head in agreement.
"C'mon Anon. Applejack takes you by the arm, and you leave the Oswald Murder Mansion.
EPILOGUE TIME
It was a hell of a walk home, about 2 hours without a bike, or a car... but somehow it seemed worth it. The sky was filled with endless stars that shimmered down on you and Applejack. Not much conversation was had, but maybe the physical closeness of each others company was enough to fill the silence.
You get to her front door, and you kiss her goodnight. You go to turn away and go back home when you suddenly hear. "Anon... I'm really sorry about tonight, and my idiot friends." You turn around, and chuckle. "It wasn't all that bad, after all we did have a little bit of naughty action tonight after all."
She cocks her head slightly "Whaddya mean Anon?"
"You know, when you dragged me into that room and we where this close to doing the deed."
"Uhhh... I dont know what your talking about Anon, I was takin a dump when I left the table, and then I was with the girls the entire time.
BUT THEN WHO WAS SEX? you think in the back of your head.
"But... not that I wouldn't mind or anything..." Applejack said as she slid one of her sleeves off.
"I hope your attitude isn't completely ruined Anon..."
She turns around, and swaggers that apple shaped booty in your direction.
Fuck it. You run up the stairs, and take her into your arms as you slam the door shut.
Meanwhile as the Oswald Murder Mansion, Twilight, Rainbow, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie all walk down into the camera room looking for Rarity.
"Impossible! I can't find her anywhere!" Twilight said browsing through each monitor.
"LOOK HARDER TWILIGHT" screamed Rainbow Dash.
"OOH OOH! LOOK ITS ANON! HE'LL HELP US!"
The four girls looked at the monitor where Anon was standing looking back at the monitor.
It knew where they were.
The door to the surveillance room swung open loudly, as each monitor suddenly shut down and a cold wind blew within the maze.
THE END.
Happy Halloween!
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The Naked Apple 3 1/3: How I learned to stop whining and love the Apple
THE NAKED APPLE 3 1/3!: THE FINAL CHAPTER! :Revengance of the Returning Wrath, part 2: Dawn of the Electric Boogaloo! PART V!
This city, it never changes.
As I walk down this dilapitated sidewalk, I begin writing into my journal, fuming at every penstroke I swipe at. "Happy dog in alley this morning, a tired man rubbing his almost ready to burst stomach. This city is frightening to me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of candy and when the drains finally sugarcoat over, all the very happy will be very happy. The accumulated smiles of all their hugs and nursey rhymes will foam up about their waists and all the horses and politicians will look up and shout "Join us!"... and I'll whisper "Okay."
Suddenly you slam on your brakes, as a crazy looking Irish midget goes flying into a trashcan. Jesus, this city has certainly has gone to the birds, but enough of silly games! It's time to do what needs to be done by You! Detective Anon! With the pure adrenaline of several voracious puppies coursing through your veins, you ram on the gas, screeching your tires as you bust through a load of cardboard boxes and somehow freeze frame within time and space as giant letters along with an entire orchestra appear out of nowhere!
"THE NAKED APPLE 3 1/3!: THE FINAL CHAPTER! :Revengance of the Returning Wrath, part 2: Dawn of the Electric Boogaloo! PART V!
The orchestra begins playing
as you start driving through a supermarket, as you swerve past the final scenes of Blair Witch Project, as you try to drive down the Hallway from The Shining, running over those two creepy twins, as you drive through a line dance in Las Vegas, you pull down on a slot machine as it reads 'JACKPOT!' You continue driving up a pyramid, and then suddenly begin backing up when a mummy comes out and starts chasing you along with a fat man with a tiny bowler hat and his skinny friend. You pull into a police station as a skateboarding kid hits your hood, and a girl on a bike nearly clips you.
You get out of your 1995 classic Camarro that is somehow slightly undamaged from the previous gunbattle that included a mother fucking Metal Gear REX for whatever reason, seriously, I mean what the hell? Has Darpa gone all crazy? Seriously why would anyone in their right mind ever need a 60 foot metal monstrosity that can shoot a nuclear missile to anywhere on the planet?
Anyway, You raise your fist and begin yelling at the spiky haired child. "YOU DANG KIDS! I'LL SHOW YOU FOR STICKING IT TO YOUR ELDERS!" You continue to yell furiously at the child as a photographer who happened to be standing there took your photograph.
Suddenly the spiky haired jaundiced child stops in his tracks and looks back at you. What's this? An apology? I ACCEPT IT WHOLE HEARTEDLY!"
"Hey man, don't have a cow!" He states in a totally cool radtastic 90's voice.
Betsy, you faithful cow that you have milked since 3rd grade dropped her ice cream and began to walk off crying.
"YOU'VE DONE IT NOW BOY!" You scream at him.
"AY CARAMBA!" he exclaims, returning to forward motion on his dang sophescated board with wheels that these youngin's use nowadays.
"GET BACK HERE YOU BRAT!" You pull out your firearm and begin swingly it madly in the air like Yosemite Sam as you chase down a 13 year sick child with bad hair taste. Your cellphone starts ringing, However you ignore the possibly very important cellphone call as you continue to sprint madly in a blind rage to the offending youth who dareth occasted thee!
"WHOOLADOODLE IMMA COMING FOR YOU!" You state foaming at the mouth.
"Like totes chill bro!" The spiky haired child states as he begins firing rotten tomatoes with a slingshot in your general vincitity. Like a masterful technician in the eastern art of suduko, you bypass every single rotten fruit/vegetable/whatever category it falls into. A homeless man covered in burns, barely staggering to keep alive suddenly gets hit with a dozen of rotten tomatoes.
"OH NOOOOO TOMATOES! THE ONLY THING IN THE WORLD I'M ALLERGIC TO!" He screams as his skin begins puffing up, and his eyes roll back into the back of his head.
Enough! You know a shortcut to ctachup to the brat. You quickly run into the Macy's door, and wait paitently on the escalator, tapping your hand to a familiar song playing over the radio.
[youtube=http://youtu.be/BjSP0zwh8LY?t=49s]
You run through the women's section, unknowingly adding a bra and a one piece swimsuit to your clothing inventory! You jet past sports equipment as you trip over some billiard balls and shuttlecocks. You run through the perfume department to your great disgust, as random shop women try to make you sample their horrific scents.
Suddenly you see it! THE OUTDOOR SECTION! You burst through the aisle, and somehow an inflatable raft bursts through its packaging and you jump into it in mid air as you paddle through the fourth story window, and land right in front of the escaping youth, glass and shrapnel glistening the afternoon sky like snowflakes.
"Aw crap." he states in despair
You grasp the youth by his throat and begin choking him.
"Hey man, c'mon show mercy!" he barely stutters out.
Your eyes begin to turn redder than the volcano that your relatively good friend had jumped into five years ago after you dared to pay him three bucks to do so, and your vision goes dark. You can hear far off voices calling to you....D-dad? Could it possibly be the hell bound spirit of your drunken father who was brutally attacked by attack hippos with laser guided sweatervests riding on top of steamrollers in a parade. He died taking out a whole platoon of them before ultimately being shot, then hitting his head off a pipe, burning his hand on a stove, then getting stuck on wet paint, then getting his fingers slammed on a closing window, then smashing his face into a wedding cake, then stepping on a bear trap, right before he fell off a boat, subsquently drowning?
"Anon... come to me son. Come towards the light."
"Dad? Of course I will Dad!"
You begin floating on the ethereal plane of existance and nonexistence in some artsy way of describing such a thing.
"That's right Son, come to hell with me."
"Okay Dad, I don't mi-- Wait."
You stop in your tracks.
"Did you say hell?"
"Yeah, I'm in hell for touching little boys Anon." Your Dad states as he pushes his hands into his coat pockets.
NOPE. Your vision comes back to you and you look at the youth you had been strangling. Shit, looks like when you where strangling him blue, his skin turned pale green. You drop his limp body, and began hurredly writing on a stick it note reading "Goodbye cruel world" and placed it on his corpse, along with a bag of cocaine and also a firearm in his left hand.
You quickly readjust your tie, as you head back to the police station. You turn around, and see that you were in front of the police station the entire time. Your fellow officers, still reveling in piratey goodness stood agast at what has just been witnessed. A girl screams out. "BORT! BROTHER NO!" as she cries over his body. Officer Derpy looks at you in anger and disapproval.
You begin prancing about like a drunkard, flamboyant little sissymary as you try to weasel your way out the situation.
"I know what all of you are thinking, did I just witness my fellow Officer of the Law, an upstanding and may I add astonishingly handsome man, just strangle the sweet precious air from this young man's esophagus?"
You begin twirling around a telephone pole, and hopping like it is the Mayest of Days outside, before suddenly stopping, slightly losing your balance in the process.
"I think the thought you thinkers should be thinking inside your thought thinkers, is that perhaps the young man had actually fallen into my clasping hands, and refused to escape?"
Officer Derpy scracthes her head as Officer Shill shrugs his peg legs and arms.
"Perhaps maybe all of this is just a misunderstanding that can be understood by understanding individuals, up standing in their understood standings, above any misunderstanding....saavy?"
You point of your fingers at the entire debacle of police crewman, who all take a minute to digest what had just been said.
[youtube=http://youtu.be/AiHLMHHbemM?t=1m1s]
The camera pans to an empty street, that a faint echo of a high scream could be heard. The cry gets louder and louder as you run down the street with the speed of the hells fury beneath you. The single scream grew into a clamour of yells, as the entire police squadron dressed up as pirates are right on your tail!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" You scream as you dodge and shimmy inbetween different parked vehicles hoping that one would shield you from the onslaught of drunken disorderlies that are meant to serve and protect this great city of Detroit. You poke your head over your quick hiding spot, and immediately are bombarded with a pie, courtesy of Officer Derpy. You shake your fist at her and curse her name.
"DAMN YOU WOMAN! YOU KNOW I HATE RAZZLEBERRY!"
Officer Shill maniacially giggled to himself as his other officers bought out the mighty Detroit Police Cannon. He yanked off each of his peg legs and loaded them into the cannon.
"FIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The cannon erupted in a trail of splintery shrapnel, and tore asunder the vehicle that you were hiding behind. DAMNATION! NO WHERE TO HIDE! Oh wait, there's a door right next to you! You quickly jump inside and begin barracading the door with everything you can find. Several chairs, some books, a couple of styrofoam cups, a very tired old person, and to top it off, a piece of chewing gum. Perfect.
"Anon? WHAT THE HAY IS GOING ON HERE?"
You slowly turn around and see Applejack, with her arms crossed, stamping her boot in quite the fuss. Oh thank God, finally this story finally goes back to what it originally meant to be!
"Like I said Anon, what the hay is going on her----" Her words were cut short with a very tight embrace, and a clashing of wriggling tongues. You draw back from your lovers embrace and stare your sweet Dixie waifu in the eyes, for what could be the very last time you do so.
"Whoo wee Anon, I missed ya too, but I didn't think ya missed me that much." Applejack said brushing her hair to the side.
"What do you mean? I can't get enough of you Sugartits!" You state, slapping her right on her apple shaped posterior.
"Ya missed our 12 o clock, AND ya didn't answer my phonecall. I sure hope y'all were busy Anon." Applejack states smacking you across the cheek.
Suddenly a flaming Peg leg cock crashes through the window as the cries from the scruvy public servants erupted.
"YAR! GET THE LOWLIFE! HANG EM FROM HIS NECK UNTIL HE BLEEDS! YARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
Applejack stares at you, as you stare back at her.
"Don't think we're done about this Anon." She says as she picks up her baseball bat.
The baricaded door begins rattling like crazy, you reach for the closet thing you can think of as a weapon, which would be a single Q-Tip that has been slightly used.
"Of course not darling, but if we don't make it..." you state as the door rattling intensifies, knowing over the styrofoam cups and slightly waking the lazy old man awake.
"Don't talk like that Anon! We're gonna be jus fine!" Applejack mutters cocking her baseball bat.
The door stops rattling, and you both take a heavy sigh of relief.
"I guess they gave up." You exclaim in relief.
Suddenly you hear a click, you turn around slowly as your stomach turns to solid lead.
You forgot to lock the back door.
The door creaks open slightly....
You quickly look back at Applejack and begin showing how de stressed you were in this situation, by repeatedily sweating from your many manly pores, and squealing like a little girl.Applejack slaps you across the face with a giant hand prop that she had laying around for whatever reason.
"Now Anon, I won't have ya'll thinking that we are going to get our rumps kicked!"
"But Applejack! My rumps was designed speficially to be kicked!" You point to your bodacious booty that has a tattoo reading "Please kick here" right next to the "Property of Angela "Applejack" Jacquiline.
"Don't tell me things I already know sugar muffin, now prep up and get ready for the fight of yer life!" Applejack cocks her baseball several times, as the door swings open and lo and behold a small hamster walks in.
"Ahhh he's so adorable!" You reach down to pet him.
"NEVER DOUBT THE WORM!" The hamster bites you, and runs off back through the door. Suddenly you can hear a clamour of voices from outside the door,
"Look! There be another entry! You know what they say lads, ANY PORT IN A STORM!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR" the scream in repose.
You quickly start panicking, as Applejack grits her teeth in preperation for a whopping. Then suddenly you notice a trap door leading to the basement! You look at the trap door, then to Applejack, then to the trap door again.
"Hey Applejack, did you always have this basement door thing here?"
"Yeah, I use it only for emergencies like Urban Youth Uprisings or Ninja Robot Invasions."
"Do, Police Officers dressed like Pirates coming to kill us count as an emergency?"
"Hmm... nah."
Suddenly Officer Derpy stomps into the Watermelon Fruit Stand with a Kitchen Knife and begins slamming the ground with her single giant hoof that has a high heel screaming
"ISAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCC!"
Nope, you fling the trap door open, and grab Applejacks hand, as you both escape the incoming mob.
You land hard on your back, which stops you from moving temporarily, just like the author of this story, but that's because of a couple of incidents he had with a black sudan back in the summer of July 2008, seriousally fuck you whoever hit me, and fuck you for running off while I was bleeding in the road.
"APPLEJACK? Where are you?"
Your inquiry was met with several moans from something that clearly wasn't Applejack. As you stand up slowly, you squint very hard into the darkness, and you can swear you can see some malformed creature that is coughing up flies.
Nope.
You quickly search your pockets, and find a D-9! You roll it, and suddenly your trusty firearm turns into a Pile of Poop. Well shit.
You fling The Poop! at the fly coughing abomination, and it suddenly explodes into thousands of red flies, hell bent on your destruction.
"FUCK!" You run off screaming like a little girl. Suddenly you ram head first into a smaller, albeit breasty individual.
"CONSARN IT! That hurt!"
"Applejack!" you exclaim rubbing your head.
"Anon!" She responds, rubbing her breasts.
"Where the hell are we?" you quickly act confident and like an Alpha male by her side, knees trembling and biting your fingernails.
"Well, we're in the Emergency Underground. I use it to get back to the house iffin there's any real danger." She looks back at you, then suddenly pushing you away.
"What was that for?" You suddenly get angry.
"I told y'all that we could take em! Jeez, now we have to walk around this dingy place. I hate these tunnels Anon!"
"I can understand why, you've got some weird fucking ass monstrosities down here!"
Applejack looks at you in confusion.
"Whaddya mean Anon?"
"Like the incredibly huge ass segemented worm that has razor sharp teeth right behind you Applejack." You point in fear behind her.
Applejack turns around slowly.
"Oh."
"RUN FOR YER LIFE!"
You and Applejack quickly jump in the air and spin your legs quickly making some type of funny sound effect like you were in some type of animation from back in the 70's about mystery solving. What was it called? Oh right, The Smurfs.
You dash off, as the Lamenting worm roars, chasing after you, leaving several piles of poop behind it, marking its trail.
"APPLEJACK! WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT THERE WAS THIS HORRIBLE MONSTROSITIES IN YOUR FREAKING ESCAPE TUNNELS?" You scream out as you dodge a bug eyed toddler vomiting blood.
"AH DON'T KNOW ANON, Wait... hold on... I do recall something..." She begins pondering as she spins around a mushroom looking creature that poked it head out before quickly hiding again.
"Granny always used to say the family used to be a whole heck of a lot bigger... but some of the children...they weren't made for this world..."
"You mean like a giant flesh blob with no arms or legs, with a terrible set of chompers?" You begin to state.
"Yeah! That sounds like a baby that Granny was tellin me about a couple of years back. We used to call him Montel...how do you know about him"
You take your hand and direct it to the corner. In the darkness, a fat monstroius blob with no legs and no arms smiles gleefully at the two of you.
"Oh." Applejack states, nearly coating your leg with a trail of fear.
The Monstrous Blob flies up into the air, as if it had plans to crush you underneath its grim weight.
You quickly back up, only to hear the roar of lament from the worm behind you.
"FUCK! APPLEJACK WE'RE SCREWED!"
"No we ain't Anon." Applejack grabs your arm.
"Anon, do ya trust me?" She asks coldly.
"Applejack, I really don't think this is the time."
"Do ya trust me Anon?" she repeats, sounding extremely serious.
"ANON! AH THOUGHT YA LOVED ME!" She screams out at you as she collapses right in front of the speeding locomotive of the worm.
"I DO! BUT I LOVE LIVING MORE!" You scream out as you jumped aside, barely missing being crushed to death by the terrible child.
"When I get outta here Anon, I swear to God your gonna get it!" Applejack states shaking her fist at you.
You notice a ladder leading up to a trap door in the corner where the fat parapelgic baby who most likely is a Barney fan and posts on /sci was resting. With a quick leap you grab the rungs of the ladder and make your way to the trap door.
"ANON! SAVE ME!" Applejack screeches out in panic.
You freeze for a moment, as you look back at Applejack, who was still collapsed on the floor, flanked by the fat baby, and being closed in upon the worm. Are you really going to leave your waifu to the horrors that these horrible hollow-hearted horrors of the heart?
Damn it, I guess its time for you to man up and do the thing to make you a manly man, and live up to FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES!
You begin sprinting as the world suddenly goes into slow motion, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappppppppppleeeeeeeeeeeeeejaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccckkkkkk" you slowly utter making crazy faces as you go through each syllabul.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnoooooooooooooooonnnnnnn" Applejack quips back, her faces making equally strange and derpy motions as the slow passage of time continues.
BoooooooooooongggggggggBuuuuuuuBonnnnnnnnng, Applejacks boobs danced in a slow rhytmic beat of mountians on top of an ocean.
You put your shoulder to her, and tackle Applejack away from the blow of The Blob, and The Worm.
You see a row of razor sharp teeth aiming right for your head and a very filthy anus falling right on top of you. You look to Applejack and smile.
Time reverts back to normality, and suddenly your vision is engulfed in red, and then the world suddenly turns dark.
"ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" Applejack screams out.
Your eyes slam open at the speed of eyes slamming opening, and you take a good look around you. It looks like you are in some sort of dark chamber with flickering candles. You look above you, and see a ring of light, as if you are at the bottom of a well. You squint your eyes and see a black statue of a skeleton, wielding a staff, and holding a bowl. In front of him are a noose with a price tag of 2 cents, and a ladder, with the price tag of 5 cents.
You reach into your pockets, and see that you have exactly 5 pennies.
Being the incredibly cheap ass that you are, you decide to put your pennies back into your pocket, and take both the noose and the ladder.
Hmm... something doesn't seem right! YOU KNOW!
You pull down your pants and take a giant dump in the bowl that the black statue had in its left hand. You take the ladder and prop it against the cold well walls, and proceed to make your way towards the light above you, you can swear you hear a low rumble of an angry voice call out.
"Anoooooooooooooooooooon."
Nope. Fuck this, double time up that fucking ladder Anon.
You reach the top of the ladder, and climb over the edge of the well top. Huh. Well I'll be damned. It's the same well that you followed Applejack? to last night on your date, that must mean your in the underground of Oswald Murder Mansion!
Suddenly you hear screams from inside the cold corridors of the maze, it sounds like Applejacks friends! And Twilight too! You quickly run through the incredibly dark and spooky maze, to the best of your ability, your fear slowly growing into panic, which then is turning to MEGA TERROR.
You enter a small chamber that pieces of a silver monkey statue scattered all around it, using your best ability to do so, you try putting the three pieces on top of one another, but for some reason you can't get the head on straight.
Suddenly a Temple Guard jumps out from nowhere, and seeing as you don't have a pendant, he takes you away quickly, and delivers you to the bad guys lair, where oddly enough, Applejack's friends, and Twilight too were there, tied up and struggling against the perverted hands of their clearly some sort of South American captors.
You shake off the Temple Guard, who glares at you, and prepares to hit you in the head with a frying pan before suddenly a voice cries out.
"No, Let me deal with our guest."
The Temple Guard nods his head, and then heads out to hang out in the Tomb of King Ramses.
"Mendoza, I presume?" you spit out.
"Si, It is I, SENOR MENDOZA." He states in a very effiminate voice, befitting his short, stout figure. He waddles his way over to you, brandishing a cigar and a glass of wine, while somehow petting a white fluffy cat in the process, in a spinning chair.
"Why did you kill my partner Mendoza?" You state flatly with no acting talent whatsoever.
"Haha! I see you want answers! Well...you can have this!" Mendoza whips his hand out of his jacket and you wince expecting a hail of bullets into your brain.
Turns out its a tray of salmon puffs, "Would you like a salmon puff?"
"Sure, I guess."
You take a bite out of the salmon puff, which then shoots out a knockout gas.
"Garhggggggggggggle........ " you collapse on the cold floor as each of Applejack's friends roll their collective eyes at you.
"MUHAHAHHAHAHA!" Mendoza laughs as he rubs his hands together.
"And now with Detective Anonymous out of the picture! No one can stop me from filling the streets with dangerous drugs!" Mendoza arches his back and laughs madly into the air. He takes a single step right onto a banana peel, and slides toward a mop bucket, which slips him right into a huge puddle of kitchen oil right in front of the 5th story window of the Oswald Murder Mansion, oddly enough there were a pair of skates in front of the window as well, which Mendoza, while slipping and sliding on various hazards, put his hands inside the skates while trying to regain his balance.
"AYOS DIO MIO!!!!!!!" He screams as he crashes through the stained glass window of a Spooky Skeleton tipping his top hat, and falls in slow motion a whole 50 feet, before rolling down a very steep hill filled with very pointy cacti and also medical waste, because Mayor BabyforaHead didn't nescessarily have the best interest of the environment.
Mendoza continued to roll down the hill of continuing agony, when suddenly he stopped in front of an oil tanker.
He began laughing, as he coughed up blood.
"Ha...ha...I'm alive! I'M ALIVE TO STILL BE THE BAD GUY OF THIS SHOW!"
Suddenly Mendoza's cigar fell right into the oil tankers open gas resevoir that the lazy driver had forgotten to close the last time he went to brunch thinking "Oh what the heck, like some drug lord is going to fall out of a 5 story window, and then down a hill filled with medical waste and cacti, just to have his cigar fall directly into the open gas resevoir that I was too lazy to close off. Yeah, and that'll be the day my Dad calls me and tells me that he's proud of me."
Suddenly across town in a small town diner, a relatively lazy gas truck driver cell phone goes off.
"YEAH HELLO WHADDYA WANT?"
"Son its me..."
"Daddy?"
The explosion was so loud that it could be heard from in Canada, to which spooked local Canadians from their local hockey match with the various bears that they hang out with.
You slowly get to your feet, still dazed from the effects of the salmon puff, as you put your fists into the air.
"C'mon I'll take every single one of you on!"
Mendoza's goons all look at one another, and count up the numbers. 1 Detective Anon, vs, 5, 10, 20 armed goons with several highly trained in martial arts. Yeah. They knew where this was going.
"ABANDON SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!" They scream like little girls and jump out the 5 story window.
By then, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy had already undid the bindings themselves and looked casually in your direction as you threw punches left and right.
"Uhh... hey Anon! the fights over!"
"TAKE THAT YA BASTARD! GIVE BACK APPLEJACKS FRIENDS!" You punch Rarity right in the face.
"Owwwwwwwwww........ that really hurt Anon!"
Rarity's eyes welled up with tears, as he eye slightly bruised.
"Oh, sorry Rarity." You stop throwing punches and look at the 5 young ladies.
"Did I win?" You ask stupidly
"Well, techincally they killed themselves, so its sort of a pyrrhic victory Anon..." Twilight began rambling before you quickly shut her up.
"AND THE DAY WAS SAVED THANKS TO ME!" You proudly state, holding your hands on your hips.
"YeahomigoshthatwassoawesomeI'msohappyforyouIcan'tbelieveitthanyousomuch!" Pinkie Pie jumpedup and down excitedly
"Yeah, even though we probably could've handled ourselves pretty well, no offense." Rainbow Dash said hitting your arm.
"I'm just glad someone rescued us from those handsome and very inviting men who were willing to take my virignity." Fluttershy disappointingly grumbled.
"Quite, though it was rather rude of you to have given us to them in the first place Anon. Why would you even think of doing such a thing?" Rarity asked with a stern look of annoyance on her face.
"What do you mean Rarity? I went home with Applejack after last night's display of craziness!" You state in confusion.
"Uhh... no you didn't, Anon." Rainbow Dash said cocking her head sideways.
"In fact, we were all looking for Rarity in the video control room, and then we saw you in the camera." Twilight began.
"Then suddenly, the door opened up, and there you were right behind us!" Fluttershy stated.
"YeahandomigoshyouweresospookyAnonlikeyouwereaghostorsomething" Pinkie Pie shivered as she recanted her tale.
"Indeed, and YOU lead me into a very scary maze hallway with the promise of nude theatrics! I even went down a well for you Anon! But you were no where to be found!" Rarity huffed, her face turning red.
"Wait, you went down the well Rarity?" You asked quizzingly.
"Well, indeed I did Anon. You were nude, and you beckoned me forth. What else could I do?"
You quickly grab Rarity by her shoulders.
"WHAT DID YOU SEE?"
I.....well...I...ALRIGHT FINE!" She blurted out.
"There was this statue down there, and I...well..."
"Yes Rarity, What did you do?"
"Well I...."
Suddenly a loud southern scream echoed through the halls of the Oswald Murder Mansion! That was Applejacks scream! Or some very effiminate truck driver!
You grab Rarity's shoulders again and shook them intensely.
"WHAT DID YOU DO RARITY?"
"I OFFERED MY ETERNAL SOUL TO HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF!"
Wait....WHAT?
"The statue spoke to me, it knew of my desires...and I couldn't help myself Anon."
You drop your arms, and begin to speak.
"Rarity, I lost my best friend to several gang fighters, I was chased down by my entire precindt after a yellow skinned child assaulted my car, also Applejack and I were attacked by several horrible monstrosities in her secret escape tunnel..."
Fluttershy pulls Pinkie Pie in close. "Is that a metaphor?"
Pinkie Pie shrugs.
"...And you are telling me you made a pact with some demonic skeleton statue, to have me all to yourself?"
"....Yes?" She meekly stuttered.
"Rarity...." I began.
"RARITY! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?" Twilight blurts out. Looks like she gets it.
"Whatever do you mean Twilight?" Rarity jumps back in agast.
"Anon's friend wasn't killed because of Mendoza! He was killed because of you! He wasn't attacked by his Police Officers and Horrible Monsters in the Tunnels just by coincidence! THIS IS ALL YOUR DOING?"
Rarity crumbles in shock.
"You mean to say....?"
"Yes Rarity." You walk over to her,
"You are the villain here." you state coldly.
Rarity gasps, as do the others.
"Oh dear Anon, I'm so sorry, I didn't know... I just wanted to..."
"I know. But now Applejack is in danger. We have to fix this." You quickly end her words.
"But what can we do Anon?" Twilight asks
"Yeah, Rarity sold her soul!" Fluttershy exclaims.
"ANDSPOOKYSKELLYTONSCANNOTINTOREALANON!" Pinkie Pie blurts out.
"It's simple..." You pull out your The Poop! and hold it for all to behold!
"We kill the Devil." You state coldly as you clench your fist, dripping poop everywhere on the floor. The girls both in shock and disgust at what you had said and done.
"But...how do we even get back to the corridors?" Twilight asked inquisitivally.
"Yeah, we got hijacked by appairently not you and lead here!" Rainbow said shaking her head.
"AndItotallydidn'tremembertaking3stepstotheleftandhittingthehiddenswitchthatwasrightbehindthisbookcasethatleadstoasecretelevatorthattakesyourightothecontrolroomoranything." Pinkie muttered randomly.
"Yeah... if only we knew some way to get there quickly." You mutter to yourself, as you accidentially slip on the bookcase behind you, hitting a hidden switch that revealed a secret elevator.
"Huh? Who knew?" Twilight said bemused.
"Yeah, that was convienant!" Rarity stated.
"ThatwassuchabigsurpriseIhadnoideathatwasgonnahappen!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed happily.
"Alright girls, Let's go save Applejack! Or whoever was screaming with a Southern accent!"
"YEAH!" They all exclaim as you all cram into the very small elevator.
With adrenaline running through your veins, and also various chesticles bumping into your side you prepare yourself for the incredibly intense and epic battle that you are about to have.
Suddenly a loud fart breaks the interlude, and Twilight, Rainbow, Pinkie, Rarity, and Fluttershy all look at you.
"Sorry, had Taco Bell for lunch." You laugh nervousally.
The elevator doors open, and the girls quickly scramble out of the nauseating gas chamber.
Your jaw drops in horror, as do the trope of nauseated and nicely nuanced newcomers beside you. The initially relatively spooky maze corridors had transformed into a even more spooky maze corridor! The once cold stone interior had turned into heated black basalt, with thin pulsating lines of molten magma running through them, as if veins lining the arm of a horrid demon. The air smelled of phosporus and sulfur, and tasted rich of ash and blood. But then again, you did just fart out an entire Taco Bell burrito and soft taco special, so you could be mistaking which was which.
"W-w-what should we do n-n-now Anon?" Rainbow Dash stammered as her knees clacked together.
"We should probably go to where all that mysterious clacking and rattling sounds are coming from." You state, pointing to a particulary terrifying corridor that had COBWEBS hanging in the corner.
Fluttershy fainted at the sight, as Twilight rolled her eyes.
"C'mon everyone. For Applejack!" You boldly state.
You take a single step, and the gaggle of gals all huddle behind you in fear. The chants and rattles grow louder and louder the further down you and the girls go.
" Querelas Equo mulieribus.Moriaris otiosum Donec aliquet AD DOMINUM ALBO DATOS, ARGENTO, LECTIO DCCXXII -XTW reliquisti luminaria"
With a sudden burst, you find yourself in the inner sanctum of the corridor maze. The once dimly light well, was now as brightly lit as very pits of hell! Flames flickered around the well as shadows swirled about, screaming and revelling in delight.
"APPLEJACK! WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE YOU!" You shout out.
The fires dimmed, and then died. A faint clacking of footsteps could be heard, as if something was coming out of the well.
"Anon?" You could hear her sweet voice.
"Yeah its me Sugartits, and all of your friends too... Rarity's here too I guess." You calmly explain.
Suddenly silence for a moment.
"S-sugartits?" You mutter.
SUDDENLY THE FIRES ROARED ONCE MORE AS APPLEJACK FLEW OUT OF THE WELL CRACKING HER HEAD IN UNHOLY WAYS, POINTING HER FINGER AT RARITY, UNLEASHING A HORRENDOUS BELLOW THAT SEEMED TO CLEAVE SOULS!
"APPLEJACK WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?" You scream out in pain against the ongoing whaling of her infernal scream.
Applejack then turned her awful gaze upon you, her eyes darker than the eternal void as the cackling shadows around her begin whirling faster and faster, like a maelstrum of terrible evil.
Well shit.
"Applejack, I don't want to fight you!" You slowly walk towards Applejack, struggling against the growing current of malevolant wind blowing through the chamber. The currents flipped up the skirts of the Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and also Rarity, but you were having too much of a serious moment to notice all their very attractive undergarments.
Applejack snapped her neck and swung her arm in your direction, as a line of shadows followed her direction and slashed at you.
"URGGGGGGGG! FUCK!" You jump back and feel the wound. Damn! It even cut your favourite tie!
"Applejack! You aren't yourself! Please stop attacking us!" You throw your arms in the air.
"Or at least me, to be honest I don't care much for your friends." you whisper behind your hand.
"GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Applejack howled as the fires lining the well began spreading around the room like some sort of fiery cyclone.
"APPLEJACK! I WILL NOT FIGHT YOU! AH AH AH AH AH!" You jump around burning your ankles slightly.
Finally Applejack snaps her head 360 degrees, before she lunges directly at your throat.
"ANOOOOOOOON!" The girls scream at you as you close your eyes.
You know what must be done.
"RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRGHHHHH" Applejack screeches horribly as her hands close in on your juggelar.
SMACK!
Suddenly the flames die down, the shadows retreat, and Applejacks eyes return to normal.
You lower your hand and gaze upon the imprint you left on Applejack's cheek.
"What the hay was that for Anon?" She muffled behind tears. "That really hurt you know?"
"APPLEJACK!" The girls all exclaimed.
"Everyone! AND TWILIGHT TOO!" Applejack responded in cheer!
Applejack and her friends embraced one another, you smiled and sighed a deep breath.
It's over.
Applejack looked around the spooky chamber and asked the obvious question.
"What the heck is going on around here?"
You begin to chuckle as you go to explain, when suddenly you feel something wrap around your ankle, and drag you down into the deep abyss behind you.
"ANON! NO! I CAN'T LOSE YA AGAIN!" Applejack quickly grabs your wrists, struggling to keep you from being swallowed by the void that beckoned you forth.
"Applejack, I don't even... what do you mean again?" You stammered, trying to kick the scaly tentacle from your ankle.
"Anon... when you took those varmints head on, they didn't kill ya. They...they carried ya off. I tried stopping them, but to be honest I was so scared that I went home and punched Applebloom in the face..."
Ha. Nice.
"And then out of nowhere, you show up at my door, and then run off! I just had ta follow ya!" Her grip began loosening, as the other girls jumped in and tried helping Applejack pull you back from the well.
"Wait...I showed up at your door Applejack?" You state, being pulled across some thumbtacks and misplaced jacks.
"Yeah, but when I went to chase after ya, I was hogtied and I woke up in front of this Black Statue of a Skeleton!"
You freeze and look up at her.
"What did you do Applejack?"
"I...asked, that I could find you again, I didn't know that I would've become such a monster if I had done so..."
You look back at the well, and back to Applejack and her friends. (Also Twilight) and you boldly state.
"Let go."
"WHAT? ARE YOU INSANE ANON?" Applejack slapped you across the penis.
"No I'm not... but I think I can stop this madness. You have to let go Applejack."
"I'LL NEVER LET GO!" She angryily replied.
"Then...." You let go of her arms, and fall backwards into the abyss. "I will."
"ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON" Applejack nearly launches herself into the well herself, if her friends didn't hold her back she would've.
You turn around and smile.
"Lets do this."
You descend to the blackened floor of the well, and stand up. The black statue of Skeleton sits there radiating a terrible aura, as if sweating sheer malevolance.
"You." You quietly state.
The Black Skeleton Statue smiles at you, as it disappears into thin air.
"WHERE YOU GO YOU BASTARD?" You scream out.
You feel a punch hit you right in the gut, you keel over as you look for your assaulter, suddenly you are hit from behind, you cough in pain as a sudden assault to your left and right side to your ribs.
"COME OUT AND FACE ME COWARD!" You blurt out, whimpering internally as your ribcage cracks.
"Oh? Face you? I think I can do that." a voice called out, not from behind you, not in front of you, but everywhere all at once.
A figure steps out from the shadows and smiles at you.
"N-no.." you stutter.
You limp back slightly, as you are met with your own mirror image, staring at you with a ravenous and murderous hunger in his eyes.
"Wha....WHAT ARE YOU?" You scream out, rushing forward with a haymaker.
The Mirror You catches your fist, and plants one of his right into your ribs, shattering your ribcage.
"Oh sorry, you don't like this image? How about this one?" he coldly states.
You pant in pain as you look up to Applejack staring back at you. "Is this better Anon? Don't you just want to fuck me Anon?"
"Apple----jack?" you murmur.
Suddenly you feel a boot right the underside of your jaw, and your bottom teeth slamming against the roof of your mouth. You fall backwards clenching your mouth in intense pain.
Applejack walks towards you, sporting a voracious grin, "Or is this not pleasing for you? I know, how about a childhood friend?"
Her face transfigured into Norman's.
"Why didn't you save me Anon?" He pleaded with tears in his eyes.
You get to your feet, crouching over in pain. "Norman...I...I'm..."
"WHAT? YOU'RE SORRY?" Norman kicks you in the stomach.
"GAAAAAAAH!" You double over and fall to the ground.
"YOU'RE SO SORRY THAT YOU LET YOUR BEST FRIEND DIE RIGHT IN YOUR ARMS?"
He kicks you over and over again.
"No, you haven't felt pain yet Anon. I will show you pain."
You lift you head slowly and see Rarity standing above you.
"Ohh... Mr Anon, are you looking up my skirt? Do you want to fuck my tight little pussy?"
Rarity starts jabbing at her own nethers, as you cough in pain.
She slams her boot on the back of your head over and over agian.
"That's right, I did all of this, JUST FOR YOU! WHO COULD EVER LOVE YOU ANON?"
"E-enough...."
"Hmmm?" Rarity crouched down and pulled you up by the scruff of your hair.
"What was that?" She said with a shit eating grin.
"W-what do you want?" You spit out.
"I wanted my 5 cents Anon." She said coldly, turning her head away from you.
"But then I realized something...there's something I wanted even more...." Her face began melting away into a charred black skull.
"You had two people willing to offer up their eternal souls for you..." her hair fell out strand by strand, as miniature flames began leaking through the flesh, alarming your nostrils intensely.
"So, I changed what I want. I don't want your money, or your women, or even your soul Anon...." The flesh had completely seared off, and her face turned to yours, eye sockets alight with green flames, that spread across its brow and crown.
"I WANT YOUR VERY EXISTENCE!" It bellowed out as you struggled against its grip.
"Ah ah ah! Don't struggle, I can't this body already more than I have." It stated as it lifted its bony finger and placed in your mouth, prying it open.
"That's right. Open up Anon." It pulls your face closer to its, as you stare directly into its flaming eyesockets.
The Skeleton opens its jaw slowly and exhales flames, and draws your mouth into its own.
"May we live happily ever after Anon." It whispers slowly.
You then decide that enough was enough, and uppercut its jaw, despite the great amount of pain it takes to even lift your arms. The Skeletons jaw flies off and smashes against the wall of of the well.
"You dick." It mumbles.
Suddenly you feel a punch to your stomach again, and again. Every blow the Skeleton changed faces,Applejack, To Pinkie Pie, Twilight, To Rarity, To Rainbow Dash, To Fluttershy, To Applebloom, To Norman, To Officer Derpy, That One Homeless Guy who keeps on getting hurt.
You begin coughing up blood, and you look up breifly, right before you see yourself come at you with a drop kick right to the face.
You land backwards and hit the well wall with a crash. You hear a definative crack in your spine, and you fail to get to your feet.
You suddenly feel a hand at your throat, and raising against your own will.
"Shame, looks like I broke you."
"Oh well, I think your friends are stupid enough to just think I'm you if I just look like you. Real shame. Any last words?"
You open your eyes and see yourself smiling wickedly as his faces swapping through a palette of your friends and loved ones, as his grip on your throat grows tighter and tighter.
"Yeah. You're jealous." you cough out.
"What...did you say you little shit?" His face immediately dropped the voracious grin, to a scowl that intensified by the second.
"Yeah... you're jealous. That's the reasoning behind all of this."
You feel his grip loosening and you drop to the ground, however you don't stop.
"Whatever the hell you are, you sure are hilarious. Seriously. Thinking you can feel loved and appreciated just by copying someone."
"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He begins screaming as his face starts fluttering through different faces.
You point your finger weakly an continue.
"You are so pathetic. Who could ever love someone as pathetic as you? You must really suck as a person if you have to emulate to gain attention."
"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!" He began ripping away at his own faces.
You gather the strength to stand, and continue your assault.
"You know what you are? You're just a Terrible Mime who is Envious."
"I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKING EYEBALLS OUT!" He screeches as he launches toward you. You quickly slap him in the face with the noose, to which he looks at you in confusion.
"Want an answer to end the pain?"
You hobble closer to his ear.
"Kill yourself samefag"
You chuckle and walk off, as he screams in frustration.
"FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU." He mutters as he throws the noose around his neck,
"So long, Good Twin"
You collapse from the pain and exhaustion, but you can swear you could hear a quick snapping sound.
But maybe that was your ribs...you look at your hand, and you see your rib bone.
Yeah, that was your ribs.
Your not sure when Applejack and her friends went down the well to rescue you, or how long you were unconscious for or what exactly the Noose and destroyed face of the Black Skeleton Statue meant, or how you ended up in the hospital, those things we certainly not clear to you, the only thing you knew is that when your eyes opened, the first thing you saw was your Dixie waifu, sitting right next to you in your hospital bed.
"...Applejack?" You stirred from sleep.
"Anon? ANON? HEY EVERYONE ANON'S AWAKE!" Applejack hollered as she embraced you and put those sweet mammeries right on top of your face.
Suddenly the room exploded with people, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Mr and Mrs Cake, Officer Derpy, Applebloom, Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz, and even Frank, the guy who wasn't included in the story!
"Everybody! What are you doing here?" You state weakly.
"We heard about what happened at Oswald Murder Mansion Anon!" Officer Derpy stated.
"Yeah, and we were so worried about our favourite customer!" Mr Cake began before Mrs Cake interupted him.
"YEAH, WHOSA GONNA KEEP US IN BUSINESS YA BIG SCHLEMMEIL?" she stated slapping you in the arm.
"Sorry Anon, we didn't know that the kid you strangeled was with Mendoza. We are really sorry, all of us are at the office." Officer Derpy wiped tears from her eyes.
"And when you get back, expect a big fat pay raise and promotion for taking out the Biggest Drug Crime Lord in the Mid West Vice Commissioner Anonymous!" Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz gruffed out from beneath her manly cop 'stache.
"I'm just so happy my favouriest future brother in law is okay!" Applebloom said hugging you, before accidentally hitting herself in the face with the IV stand. Everyone laughed.
"I had nothing to do with this story!" Frank said before leaving suddenly.
"Thank you so much for all your trouble Anon!" Twilight exclaimed, she pulled in closely to you. "Don't we didn't tell anyone about that other thing."
You give Twilight a huge thumb's up.
"Yeah, that was a hell of a show Anon! Looks like you're definately man enough!" Rainbow Dash crossed her arms and brightly beamed.
"Y-yeah...he sure is..." Fluttershy blushed as she poked her two fingers together.
"OMIGOSHYOUARETHEBESTESTWILLYOUBEMYBOYFRIENDANON?" Pinkie blurted as she jumped on top of your healing ribcage.
"PINKIE!" Twilight grabbed her off your chest.
"Thanks Pinkie...but I already have a girlfriend." You take Applejack's hand, and look her deeply in the eyes.
"And I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world." Applejack blushed as everyone went.
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww........"
"C'mon everyone, let's give Anon some personal space." Twilight said as she began directing the crowd to vacate your premises. Applejack begins to leave, but you hold her tight.
"Don't. Please hold on Sugartits."
She embraces you, and kisses your lips. "Always. I always will. Funnyface."
She straddles your body and you draw the curtains to your bed. Now you certainly didn't need CPR, but the way the bed was hopping up and down, it certainly seemed like you were receiving some sort of resuscitationary action.
Meanwhile, out in the hall.
"Oh Dr Liebowitz! Do you have Anon's scans?" Twilight called out to the doctor.
"Indeed I do... but there was something weird... here take a loo at this."
Twilight looked at the photograph that was handed to her.
"Oh God, is that what I think it is?" She whispers.
"Yes. That tumor that was in his head? It was alive when you brought Anonymous to us."
"How can that be Doctor?" Twilight asked.
"Have you ever heard of 'In Utero' death Twilight Sparkle?" Dr Liebowitz began, walking down the hallway with her.
It's officially 3 weeks since you were released from the hospital, able to walk on your own again, and as stated, you were given a fat promotion at the office, and every Tuesday was "Act like a Pirate Day" which won over the city very well, that Commissioner Bon Bon Horowitz was actually recently elected Judge Magistrate for the entire city of Detroit. With the spot empty, you were picked instantly for the position, no and ifs ors or buts about it. As you left the office early today, you left it in the capable hooves of Vice Commissioner Derpy, who now was extremely strict about being directly on time, and in fact wanted people to show up late or early, but never on time.
You look at your 1995 Camarro, and sigh. Fuck it, you haven't been able to walk for a while, might as well go for a stroll.
You throw your hands into your pockets and begin whistling a Soviet tune, when suddenly your tune is accompanied by another whistler.
"Howdy there pardner."
"Howdy yourself there Missy."
The two of you continue to stroll, hands in your pockets, and enjoying the beauty of another Detroit day.
"Nowhere special." You say throwing your arms around her shoulder.
"Hmm... that sounds nice. Can I come along?" She puts her hand on your back, and rests her head on your shoulder.
"Anytime SugarTits."
"Thanks Funnyface."
The two of you walk off into the sunset as several urban youths steal some guys tires, and a pigeon poops on a homeless guy covered in bandaids.
You begin humming to yourself as the end credits began rolling.
"Woke up this morning feeling fine... had something special on my mind..."
The Naked Apple 3 1/3: How I learned to stop whining and love the Apple
Epilogue: For Christians!
At Applejack's House.
"Anon... I just want you to know... I practice safe sex." Applejack whispers as she slips off her dress instantly.
"So do I Applejack" you reply, slipping your suit off with a single tug.
You both cover each other in giant condoms, and begin making love in the upright missionary position for the sole purpose of creating a child.
Ha ha, just kidding.
