The Elements of Misfortune

   The seven exited the castle, Sarcasm leaning on a very pissed looking Ethelind for support. Spade staggered after, refusing help like a stubborn jackass while Trock sat atop an equally pissed-off Hurricane.

  Blaze was the only one who didn't take as big as a beating as the others, though he still trotted with an angry stagger besides a very tired-looking princess.

  The Elements still glimmered brightly around the necks of the ponies. Ethelind had removed the crown, dragging it behind her in the dust with exhaustion, tied to her tail.

  "At least the trip's gonna be better in the daytime." Trock pointed out happily from the top of Hurricane's back.

  "I don't know if it's gonna make much of a difference. The damn trees are so thick that they're gonna block out any sunlight that tries to filter through." Blaze pointed out with a bitter spit in his words.

  "Ha. You said 'thick'." Trock giggled to himself.

  "I swear to Celestia I'm gonna jam my horn up your urethra if you don't shut the fuck up." Sarcasm snapped suddenly, pulling away from Ethelind, then winced and leaned back on the white unicorn.

  "Too bad it's gone, you fucking loser." Spade muttered quietly, just barely loud enough for them to hear.

  "Oooh, looking forward to it. I can just feel the arousal-"

  "I swear to the fucking goddesses Trock you're really getting ready for a kick to the stomach." Hurricane muttered, using his wing to flick Trock's forehead.

  "Are they all really like this?" Luna whispered to Blaze while the others kept arguing.

  "Yeah, most of the time." Blaze replied without looking up from the ground.

  "Who art thou, anyways? And thy companions?" Luna pressed.

  "I'm Blaze Fury, and I'm willing to rip the dick off of any fucker who says otherwise. As for my friends? Hurricane is such an egomaniacal jackass he makes me want to bash my head in a wall. Trock thinks with his dick more than the head he was given with even though he claims to have a marefriend, which no one believes.

  Spade is always an edgy asshole, and honestly we think she has some dark background, but always threatens to shove a pencil up our asses if we mention anything. Ethelind is a fucking nerd who thinks pointing out everyone else's flaw is the way to fix them and expects them to be perfect at it even if she looks like a bigger asshole in the process.

  Then there's Sarcasm, the biggest pig to ever exist. He drinks, blazes, and likes to be as obnoxious as much as he fucking can. Fucking assholes. Every single one of them." Blaze finished, sounding utterly disgusted.

  "Wow. Why doth thou remain as companions with such flaws?" Luna asked, confused.

  "Because, well..." Blaze trailed off, looking unsure, dropping his gaze back to the ground. "I really don't like sharing with others. Especially about this kind of mushy stuff."

  "You can tell us. We won't criticize." Luna pressed, interested in the stallion's story.

"Well, they're all I got. Sure, we came from some pretty hard families, but I probably got the worst of it. They were there when the ponies I could trust weren't. Hell, I probably couldn't even trust my family with anything. These ponies know more about me than my own mother." Blaze murmured, then flushed angrily. "You'd better not tell a soul." He warned, punching the alicorn in the arm.

  "We won't." Luna swore, staggering a little but overall unaffected by the blow. "Seems sweet such a stallion who built such a cold soul inside hath found warmth withing the magic of friendship."

  "Say that one more time and I'm gonna punch you in the throat."

  ***

  The seven finally reached the bridge, which was fixed to brand new.

  "Probably Twilight Shitstorm and her cuntsucking posse did this." Spade concluded as she stepped on the bridge.

  "Wait, it can still be weak-"

  "Fuck that. I'm tired, hungry, and just want to go home." Spade grumbled as she walked across the bridge.

  "Well, seems pretty safe..." Ethelind commented as she stepped after the brown pegasus.

  "Hey, we should sing a camp song like they did in foalscouts." Trock suggested as he and Hurricane crossed the bridge.

  "Please, Trock, now is not the time for-"

  "YOU CAN'T RIDE IN MY LITTLE RED WAGON, BACK SEAT'S BROKE AN' THE AXLE'S  DRAGGIN'!~" a voice sang obnoxiously from behind them. The five turned their heads in surprise as they watched Blaze trotting along the bridge, looking happy for once.

  "YOU CAN'T RIde in my little red... uh... wagon..." Blaze trailed off and stopped when he noticed the others watching him.

  "What?!" He snapped, flushing slightly. "So what if I fucking love these motherfucking songs?"

  "Nothing's wrong."

  "No you're good."

  "I guess it's okay to act a little gay here and there..."

  "Camp songs seem fun..." a jumble of nervous responses came from Hurricane, Trock, Sarcasm and Ethelind as they looked anywhere but at Blaze. Spade was already walking into the bushes, set on getting home.

  "Maybe tomorrow, but not today!~" Luna skipped up cheerfully next to Blaze, finishing the verse of the song.

  When she noticed the stares of the others, she shrugged gleefully, "What? We really liked filly scout songs when we were  younger as well."

  "Wait, how old were you when you were sent to the moon?" Ethelind asked the alicorn.

  "Fourteen, to be approximate."

  "Never getting to finish your childhood because you're trapped on the moon as a demonic spawn for one-thousand years sounds pretty tough, huh?" Hurricane pointed out.

  ***

  "HUNDRED-AN'-FIFTIETH VERSE! SAME AS THEE FIRST! LITTLE BIT LOUDER AN' A WHOLE LOT WORSE!" Blaze and Luna chanted as the seven walked through the forest. Five of the ponies looked ready to rip their ears off.

  "Blaze's finally warming up to someone." Ethelind commented to Spade as they walked.

  "Hey, I can't blame him. He finally found a friend who doesn't want his throat to be slit in his sleep. Or maybe his fuCKING VOCAL CORDS!" Spade trailed into a shout, wincing as her busted bones shifted.

  "HUNDRED-AN'-FIFTY-FIRST VERSE~" Blaze and Luna sang on, ignoring Spade.

"I guess we all just need that sister to laugh with us." Spade muttered as they walked on.

  "Hey, Spade, don't you have a sister or somethin'? Or a sibling?" Sarcasm asked as he limped along Ethelind's side.

  "No." Spade muttered darkly.

  "Yeah, I think you do. A brother or a sister. I think I even met them."

  "I had a sister. She left me behind to join the Equestrian Marine Forces. Any more fucking questions?" Spade rounded on the white pegasus, staring with fierce green eyes.

"Uh, no." Sarcasm mumbled, dropping his gaze to the ground.

  "Good." Spade walked faster, despite her injuries.

  "Geez. Fuckin' edgy." Sarcasm commented.

  "Can't really blame her. I don't know the story, but it seems like a dark one." Ethelind observed, stopping for a second so Sarcasm could catch his breath.

  "I swear to the Goddesses, I remember hanging out with Blaze as a colt, and he still likes screaming shitty songs at the top of his lungs." Hurricane grumbled as he caught up to Ethelind and Sarcasm.

  Trock was lying on his back, staring up at the tree canopies. "The sun actually does peek through the leaves at some parts." Trock pointed out as he tried to balance on Hurricane's back.

  "HUNDRED-AN'- uh..." Blaze and Luna trailed off, looking lost.

  "What verse were we on?" Blaze asked.

  "We were on the verse that told you to shut the fuck up already." Sarcasm muttered.

  "Listen here, you little shit-"

  "Guys, look." Ethelind pointed ahead.

  Rooftops were visible above the trees, and the sounds of ponies walking around and talking were noticable.

  "We finally made it back!" Trock said as he rolled off of Hurricane's back with enthusiasm.

  "Has anything changed since we've been gone?" Luna asked as they picked up the pace, intent on arriving back to town.

  "Not really. We still use outhouses to shit and still don't have machines that does stuff for us." Hurricane said as they made it to the edge of the forest.

  "I'm actually surprised we didn't have any trouble getting here." Ethelind commented, breaking through the bushes.

  As they walked towards the town, ponies they passed by began to stare. It's not everyday six busted-up ponies and an ex-possessed alicorn walk through your town.

  They crossed the small bridge and finally made it into town.

  "Finally here! Fuck, that took way to long." Sarcasm whimpered.

  "Where do we go now, though?" Ethelind asked, trying to avoid the suspicious stares of the townsponies.

  "Why don't we go to the Hedge for a little and rest up before planning anything else." Hurricane suggested.

  "Not a bad idea. A brusky sounds really refreshing right now." Sarcasm pulled away from Ethelind and began staggering towards the broken-down wood built bar.

  "Oh, yes. Nothing like a deadly substance that makes you make poor decisions to refresh and quench your thirst."

  "Yeah, I don't care right now. If you don't like beer then don't drink it.." Spade muttered as she followed Sarcasm to the bar.

  ***

  When they walked in, a few gangs of ponies were hanging around. Five sat at the bar with hunched backs while around six others crowded around a dusty pool table, intent on the game in front of them.

  Few more sat scattered around tables, talking to one another in hushed conversations. Music blared quietly from the old jukebox, sounding old and crackly.

  As the seven walked in, all of the ponies in the bar turned to watch them, the music scratched to a silence.

  "Uh... whuddup..." Hurricane nodded a welcome as they walked further in.

  Still, silence held the bar, and all stared at the seven like a meteorite crashed into the bar.

  "It's the equine!" An obviously drunk brown stallion shouted from his seat, an old paperboy's cap tilted over his eyes. He crashed through the window in an attempt to escape.

  Anxious murmuring started around the bar, ponies sending hushed whispers to one another.

  Sarcasm led them cautiously to the booth, trying to avoid the stares of other ponies.

  He sat in the booth and was sandwiched in the middle by Trock and Ethelind, while Spade sat next to Trock.

  "Move over." Blaze ordered as he shoved Spade.

  "You son of a motherfu-"

  "I'm just gonna stop you there before you waste everyone's time with a random string of cusses no one here as ever heard." Sarcasm interrupted Spade as he waved the bartender over to the table.

  Blaze smirked at Spade and sat in the seat, Luna sitting next to him.

  Their waitress this time was a young red unicorn mare with crisp blue eyes and a muddy-brown mane. A red flannel shirt marked with plaid draped over her backside, covering any cutie mark she may have owned.

  "What can I get ya?" She asked, sounding disinterested and bored with her job.

  "Uh, lessie here..." Hurricane counted the ponies around him. "Well, considering the shit we went through and the fact I'd like to be nice and inebriated before we head on over to the hospital and have random ponies in sexy nurse outfits stick horns up my ass to fix whatever trauma's been caused to my body, a lot of the good stuff."

  "Yeah, that's not an order. Please give me an order." The mare sighed while she waited for their order, a pen and notepad levitating next to her.

"Five pitchers of Buckweiser, if you may." Sarcasm ordered impatiently. "And don't mind fuckboy over there."

  "Will do. Be back with your order. And..." she counted the ponies at the table, murmuring the numbers under her breath. She counted up to six before she stopped at Luna, who looked fascinated at the light fixture above.

  "Hey, is she old 'nuff to drink? She looks way unda twenty one." The mare pointed out.

  "Really? When we were younger, we went out all the time with thy bloodline to drink the beverage of thy wheat." Luna replied, confused. "We're pretty sure that if we drank at that age, we should be able to drink now."

  "We? Who else is there-"

  "It's the way she talks ignore it." Trock murmured quietly to the waitress.

  "So what seems to be thy confliction?"

  "Well, how old are you?"

  "Uh.... Celestia hath been ruling how long?" Luna asked. "She began her reign at thy age of eighteen, whilst I'm about ten years younger."

  "Uh, a thousand an' twenty three years or so, I think." The waitress scratched her head.

  "One thousand and fourteen years of age." Luna answered, smiling.

  "Uh...." the waitress looked with disbelief before shaking her head. "Whatever. I live in a world where unicorns can destroy ten meter thick rocks with magic but everypony still has to empty a shit bucket every now and then. I'll be back in a few."

  Spade laid her head on the table in exhaustion.

  "Got any cards?" Hurricane asked.

  "My assmark is literally a spade. Hell yeah I have some cards, dumbass." Spade grumbled as she pulled a pack of vintage cards from the goddesses know where.

  "Blackjack? Poker? Texas Hold 'Em? B.S.? Gin? Speed? Spit?" Spade listed off possible card games as she shuffled the cards lazily through her wings, her head never leaving the table.

  "We should play some B.S. Nice classic game fit for this amount of ponies." Blaze said, sounding unusually in a good mood.

  "Uh, sure." Trock said, surprised.

  "Gives us a chance to think of a plan as well." Ethelind pointed out, sounding tired.

  The mare brought back the five pitchers, floating in her levitation whilst setting seven mugs down on the table.

  Spade dealt the cards, and the ponies settled in, attempting to get comfortable, but failing miserably considering there's seven in a booth, and one's an alicorn.

  Blaze offered to teach Luna how to play as Hurricane eagerly poured them drinks, excited for the clean, cold taste of tap beer.

  They sat, drank, talked, cursed, cheated, laughed, and planned like the old friends they always had been.