Krieg's Little Land-Dolphins: Bicycles are Tofu

So you want to hear about the adventures of your favorite vault hunters after  the events of Pandora? Well, here is Krieg, take it or leave it.

Equestria, a peaceful land, practically isolated from the rest of the universe. So beautiful, so civilized, so goddamn BORING. Naturally, due to this, little to no adventurers went there.

However, this is what made this 1940’s Disney planet, the ultimate hiding spot for a vault hidden in plain sight and the land’s desire to protect it at all cost.

”Well, that’s just fantastic. After barely surviving an entire planet of anarchy and monsters. You decide that enough bullets haven’t flown and now you’re going to all but destroy a planet. At least don’t scream things about meat this time, Psycho-boy.”

As Krieg got on board what was probably the most primitive train he had been on in his life, his eyes shifted under his gas mask from side to side, listening to the inevitable reactions to his attire.

“What is with the metal things over it’s pants? Wait, are those weapons it’s carrying!?”

“No feathers, no fur, AND not even wearing a shirt, how uncivilized!”

“Why is it’s mane spiked up like that?”

Krieg merely sighed in thought, knowing that this was the treatment he’d get from whatever wasn't going to try and shoot him.

Suddenly he felt a vibration on his chest. He looked down to see his ECHO communicator was receiving a call.

All of the other vault hunters went to different planets for different treasure. He knew that they’d only call him for one reason and ONE reason alone.

He pressed the button, almost immediately regretting doing so as he heard a female voice speaking on his earpiece.

“Hey, Krieg. It’s Maya, I know I told you this before you left, but I felt an urge to reiterate. According to the intel acquired by Gaige and Zer0, this planet was probably the stupidest place for Axton to assign you to. It isn’t used to our ‘run and gun’ style of doing things, one wrong move and you could put a bounty on your head bigger than the one that Jack put on all 5 off us.”, the voice hesitated, thinking of how she could best make him follow through on this request. “So, if not for the sake of this planet, then for the lack of New-U stations. Try not to act TOO crazy”

Okay,  one of your only friends just gave you the key to surviving this place. Just take a deep breath, and answer her in a tone that won’t traumatize those around you.

Following his brain’s advice, Krieg took a deep breath before hitting the speak button

“I’ll behave myself like a good monkey for a lollipop!”, the deranged vault hunter screamed at the top of his lungs.

Everyone in the train immediately turned their heads towards him. All of them with sheer looks of terror on their face at the sudden outbursts from the mysterious biped.

You just have to make things harder for both of us, don’t you?

A unicorn in a red vest  slowly trotted up to him, cautiously putting his hoof on the beast’s shoulder.

“Sir, I’m going to have to request you calm down.”, he said, almost afraid of the outcome of these words.

I know what you’re thinking. He told you what to do, and now you want to strangle him with his own intestines. Listen, I know how much you love ignoring my advice, but for God’s sake, first impressions are everything, and personally, I would prefer if our body lacks fucking laser holes from unicorn beams.

Krieg carefully considered what his brain had just told him. He needed to show these creatures he was not the enemy.

“I need to find some doves!”, he gleefully shouted, he held his buzz-axe into the air before thrusting it to the side, shattering the window at his seat.

He ungracefully yet swiftly leaped out of the moving vehicle and tumbled down the mountain below.

You dumb-ass.

Shining Armor just stood in awe, marveling at this creature's reaction to his request. It was not only something so insane that it made Discord look like a therapist, but the creature had held a weapon into the air, and yet he still couldn't tell if it was threatening him or not.

He turned to his wife who seemed to be blankly staring.

"Cadence?"

Suddenly snapping out of her practically unconscious trance at his voice, Cadence knew what he was going to ask.

“ First, I have no idea.”, she said blankly, still staring at the destroyed window. “Second, how many reinforcements do you want?”

Krieg slowly opened his eyes. Only to notice that the area he was in was pitch black.

Well, look at what you’ve gotten us into now. You’re too tired to move and you fell from a moving train, at least last time, we could blame Jack.

He couldn’t make out his surroundings, but three things were already clear. He was in a dark, cramped area, most likely some form of prison. Outside of the prison, there were buzzing noises, if they took his axe, after he killed them, he would tell their moms on them. Finally, the gooey substance he was cramped up against was kind of like a spa, it was relaxing.

He teleported his buzz-axe into his hand, and cut his way out of the spa-thingy.

Now that he could see, he noticed that his spa-bed was a cocoon, that was a nice theme, but he hated butterflies for lying about being made of butter.

He looked around what he could now make out to be a cave. There were multiple bug-like winged unicorns in the area, They were made of moldy cheese, and were about the size of kittens.

At the site of him, they immediately started to growl, multiple groups taking different formations to charge at him.

Well, you’ve probably just got us into our first hostile encounter on this planet. Due to the lack of knowledge from the outside universe, they don’t have an official name yet. Go ahead, I legitimately want to see what you’ll come up with.

“Land-Dolphins.”, Krieg growled.

Nice one, genius. Okay, Rambo Lecter, according to your ECHO display, these things don't have shields, and according to common sense, they're fucking bugs. Just use a fire weapon and you should be able to-

You aren't even listening, are you?

The sane part of Krieg's brain sighed as he watched his body firing his rifle in every possible direction.

"What In TARTARUS is that noise!?", a loud raspy voice echoed in the cave from behind Krieg, he turned around to meet eyes with a  new, female land-dolphin, larger in size in comparison to the others.

Upon seeing the dead bodies, she recoiled in fright, only to see Krieg and take her battle stance.

"How dare you do this to my subjects!"

CHRYSALIS

CEO of The land-dolphins

Ya know what? I give up. Just go kick her ass.

Krieg, pleased to see his brain finally was proud of him, let out a loud cheer as he and Chrysalis charged at each other.

Just as he lifted his buzz-axe to slam down upon her head, his vision was suddenly filled with a pink light.

When Krieg woke up, he was no longer in the cave, rather on a train, different from the one he started his journey on.

Strangely, visions of the pink wingy-corn (As Krieg liked to call them) started flashing in his eyes.

"My first encounter with a vault-hunter. It's been thousands of years since people like you showed up. Even longer since a princess tried to save one.", she spoke in a manner that was the polar opposite of how she reacted on the train, her expressions seemed calm, yet excited.

"Before you ask what happened, just know this, I got your journey back on track. It probably wouldn't look good on our record if the ponies of Equestria knew the princesses were helping someone who probably escaped death row on multiple occasions , so, just call me 'Aphrodite'."

Oh shit, not this again.

Krieg was already having flashbacks to the blue commercial lady/

"Either way, this is your stop. While probably not near as untamed, violent, and uncouth as you're used to. It's the closest town to your lifestyle that I could find where you wouldn't make allies with Diamond Dogs."

Krieg raised an eyebrow under his goggles, with all of the ponies and things made of diamonds, this had to be Butt-Stallions birthplace.

Aphrodite (let's just pretend her identity isn't already revealed) blinked, opening her mouth to ask, before realizing she didn't dare want to know what went on in his mind. She then decided to continue guiding him.

,"Look on third street to find 'Flim and Flam's Fabulous Fireworks'. Since they're con-men on everything but their own inventions, few ponies ever even go into their shop.", Krieg raised an eyebrow, why would she want him to get conned?

Practically reading his mind, she explained. "Which is why I sent them samples of the guns on your personage to produce their own variants of the ammo, fitted to the Equestrian environment, to sell to you.", Aphrodite opened her mouth to explain further when suddenly Krieg's brain voice started speaking, cutting off her voice in his head.

Before you ask why 'horse lady took my guns',Fitted to the environment and of the ammo, keep in mind that what is essentially your substitute for a water-squirter, is a dangerous weapon that most of the citizens here don't even know the existence of, and unless you are really good at conserving ammo, which we both know you aren't, this is the only way your ammo supply will last more than a few hours.

Aphrodite, still a vision in Krieg's brain, smiled and nodded with a look of relief in her eyes. it was nice to know that at least one voice of reason existed in a mind where she heard countless stupid, violent, or just plain destructive ideas.

"What you think is true, while Flim and Flam aren't the most honest businesscolts. They are better with this kind of machinery than Rube Goldbarn and Filly Hays combined.",

She pointed Krieg to the sign through the miraculously undestroyed window. "Appleoosa, this is your stop. Don't fall for any of Flim and Flam's tricks!"

Aphrodite then faded out as Krieg leaped off the train, through the door, thankfully enough.