Krieg's Little Land-Dolphins: Bicycles are Tofu

Well, as much as I hate to admit it, you’ve been more behaved than usual. I would be afraid of jinxing us, but let’s be honest, even if I didn’t say that, it wouldn’t change the amount of trouble you’ll inevitably cause us.

Krieg was enjoying his brain’s compliment until hearing that last remark. Stopping in his tracks, he opened his mouth to reply, before shrugging and realizing his brain was right.

Either way, here’s the place, you heard what the pink bitch said, this is top secret. In other words, don’t yell your order into the heavens like you usually would.

As soon as Krieg walked in the door, a bell chimed and 2 stallions popped out behind the counter.

“Hello, brave adventurer. Welcome to our humble store!”, the one without the moustache exclaimed. Almost in perfect synchronization, the 2 of them leaped above the counter.

As soon as the intro card disappeared, Flim and Flam galloped started to do a formal ye-old dance, as an automatic preset piano played in the background. Krieg’s brain took on a pleading, extremely desperate tone

Oh god. Hey, listen, I know I told you not to make yourself look like a monster, but these guys are scam-artist, no one will miss them. So just this once, chainsaw them, shoot them, strangle them, anything to disable their vocal cords!

Krieg on the other hand, was already caught mystified by the broadway number.

The song was almost as rocking as Freddy Mercury’s hit disco song “Ridin Dirty”, perfect for breakdancing to.

A few minutes later… in the hall of brain.

“It was catchy, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was annoying as fuck”, Krieg’s normal sane-voice said.

“I probably should have warned you they would do that, it’s kind of their thing.”, Aphrodite explained in a slightly amused tone, before thinking up a scapegoat. “Anyway, the ammo is being given, and now we owe these two a favor. Unfortunately, I can’t imagine they want anything simple.”

Krieg sat on a table in the back of the shop. Across the table, 2 decks of cards were set.

Flam quickly played down his cards and revealed his winning

“Royal flush!”, he smirked. To which Krieg let out an arrogant chuckle.

Krieg slammed his cards down on the table, revealing 5 random cards that didn’t even form a hand.

“You activated my trap card! Fatality! This story is happy end!”, he screamed, completely oblivious to the rules of the game they were playing. Flam just blinked before realizing he needed to humor the customer.

“Well played.”, he lied, immediately regaining his cool and calm composure.

“Well well, bold adventurer, my brother and I have been talking, and boy do we have the job for you!”, Flim was still in the smooth-talking kiss-up mode that he used when Krieg first entered the shop.

 Flam immediately joined in on the act.

“Superduper-California-fraggrenade-ballistic-experienced-insomiac-aquatic-doseof-Aspirin!”, Krieg attempted to join in the advertisement, completely breaking the rhyme scheme.

Flim and Flam shot baffled looks at one another, returning to the speech right before Krieg could notice.

“That’s right!”, they lied in full sync. Flam immediately grabbed the drum the two of them used for dramatic build up.

“That superb mission is…..”, he put emphasis on the last word, beating a drum for a good five seconds before Flim made the dramatic reveal.

“Saving the mare known as Applejack!”, as soon as the sentence finished coming out of Flim’s mouth. A vision of Aphrodite immediately flashed in Krieg’s eyes.

“What!?”

If you’re afraid of the damage he’ll cause on a rescue mission, you should see how much he destroys on stealth missions.

This should be interesting.

Flim cleared his throat, his ego practically shattered from the words that he just uttered.

“The story goes down like this, Applejack is a pain in our flanks, naturally, this made us the main suspects in her disappearance a few days ago. Nopony else with the resources holds any actual grudge against her.”, he grumbled some profanities under his breath.

any actual grudge against her.”, he grumbled some profanities under his breath.

“Therefore, due to lack of suspects, we would be wrongfully accused of a crime we didn’t commit.”, Flam mourned in an over-dramatic theatre-voice.

“However, lady luck was on our side when your informant sent us a piece of evidence that proves we aren’t the only ones with a motive!”, Flim cheered. He levitated up Krieg’s rifle, covered in land-dolphin blood..

“So if you go back there, and reveal the possibility of her being held captive, we can prove our innocence, and you can be a hero!”, Flim was practically beaming with excitement.

Meanwhile, in the hall of brain.

Well, should we take the deal or not?

“As much as I hate to admit it, yes, Flim and Flam honestly have a point. Unfortunately, either we end up revealing the changeling’s survival AND Krieg to all of Equestria, or end up revealing Krieg to the element of Honesty herself.”

So, in other words, PR is gonna have one hell of a mess on their hands.

“Tell Krieg to prepare, I’ll teleport him back to the mountain in due time.”

And it was here, that Krieg’s adventure began. This is the story of a psychotic mercenary, and his partner, a goddamn horse.

Krieg’s little Land Dolphins: Bicycles are Tofu: Book One: The Llama with the mango tattoo.