The Doompie Chronicles: Book 1

Good evening ladies and gentlecolts. I’m… well, you’ll know me soon enough. The point is that I’ve got a damn important story for all of you. It’s about me and some of my friends and how we ended up here in Equestria. We all knew each other from the Doompie fanfiction reading network, but after this, I don’t think the network is coming back on earth.  I think it’s time to tell you the story, and I’m gonna tell you exactly as I remember it, so it’s gonna be… pretty explicit.

“Holy fuck!” I gaped, looking at my surroundings. “Why do I feel like I’ve seen this before?” My head gently scanned the area. Buildings of about average house size were everywhere. Out of one of the houses stepped a pony with a very light aquamarine coat and a horn sticking out of her forehead… wait… PONY?!

I gulped. I had the feeling I knew what was going on. “That’s Lyra… That’s Lyra Heartstrings from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic… Holy shit, I’m a Human in Equestria… Déjà vu, man, Déjà fuckin’ Vu. I know this genre and I know that this will not end well. Not at all!” I looked up and saw I was laying under the balcony at the front of Ponyville’s Town Hall.

I climbed to my feet, continuing to scan my new location, but something felt kind of… off. I fell forward, but instead of hitting the ground like I had expected, I landed on my hands… they didn’t feel like hands, though. I looked down to see two black hooves planted on the ground beneath my body.

“Holy sweet mother of almighty Christ,” I muttered. “This is bad news bears. Please tell me I’m not a black and red Alicorn, for the love of GOD!” I lifted a front hoof up to feel if I had wings… nope! I sighed in relief. “Thank fuckin’ god!” I remembered that wings weren’t the only thing a pony in Equestria could have. I reached the same forehoof up and tapped on a strange bony cone sticking from my forehead which had a fairly thick mane over it. “Well, I’ve always thought it would be fun to have magic,” I murmured.

Looking around, I realized that I had no idea in the slightest how I got there. I just got there and… there I was. No rhyme or reason as far as I could tell, but I disregarded that considering that’s an irrelevant detail, or at least as far as I’m concerned. Descending from the wooden steps and onto the earth below me, I began to wonder WHY I was here more than how. I shrugged, figuring that if this was one of those fanfictions, I’d find out eventually. I began to walk aimlessly down a street, looking for something that might give me an idea of what to do first. I honestly didn’t care what my situation was, I was just shocked by how weird the situation was.

“PSSST!” I ignored the noise and kept walking, thinking it was directed at someone (or somepony, in this case) else. “PSSSSST! YOU!” Looking around me, I became aware that it had to be directed at me… I was the only one around there at the moment. The dark alleyway between two houses across the street from me had a dark figure standing in it. I could see greyish-white mane on one side of his head and black mane on the other side. He had no horn, and from where I was standing, no wings, but he had a strange look to him that made him hard to miss. His coat was grey and half of his mane was black, the other side light grey… but his eyes were a radiant blue. So radiant, I could swear his irises were made with perfect Lapis Lazuli.

“Come here,” the pony motioned. “I need to talk to you!” I walked over slowly, the ground under my hooves seeming colder and colder the more I moved towards him. It felt like an hour, but I was standing in front of the strange pony. He looked me in the eyes. “Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“I can’t say I do,” I responded, slightly creeped out. “You look somewhat familiar, though. Might I ask who YOU are?”

“My name is Lord Emil,” he smiled. My jaw dropped open. His eyes darted back and forth before he asked, “What?”

“It’s me… Winr…” Didn’t ring a bell for him. I sighed, “Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuffs!”

He gasped in surprise. “Wow, so I’m not alone, here!”

“I guess not…” I paused awkwardly. “How did we get here, anyways?”

“I dunno,” Emil shrugged.

“Fucking Deus Ex Machina making plot convenience easy but confusing as fuck to everyone,” I muttered.

“Whatever that means,” he mumbled.

“Who else do you think is here?” I asked.

“I don’t know that either,” Emil answered.

“Well, I doubt we’re the only two inserts here so we might as well start looking around,” I said, wondering if any other Doompie Network readers had made it to Equestria.

The street was quiet, all except for the sound of me and Emil’s hooves gently clapping against the ground repeatedly. We continuously just walked, occasionally turning onto a different street. As far as I could tell, we were going in circles, but I frankly didn’t care. Suddenly, Emil broke the silence with a sigh before he spoke. “Man, do you think they have Canadian ponies?”

I shot him a strange look. “Uh… I know this is a My Little Pony fanfiction, but the writer probably isn’t THAT stupid,” I told him. “Why do you ask?”

“Because I’m craving some Canada ass, man!” Emil grunted, licking his lips at the thought. I had the urge to turn and run before I said anything else, but I was a bit confused at his choice of words.

“What do you mean “Canada ass?”” I asked

“I mean Canada ass!” he yelled in excitement. “I’m just craving a Canadian girl’s pussy right now, man!”

“Oh, I thought you meant a literal “Canada ass,”” I sighed in relief. “You don’t just go up to someone and go “Damn, girl, yo’ ass looks like Canada!””

“Hell no, but that’d mean it’s big and I’d like that, too.” I face hoofed.

As soon as I looked up, I saw something I thought was crazy. “Speaking of Canada,” I said, poking Emil and pointing at a pony up ahead. It was another earth pony, but this one had a white coat with red streaks through his mane and tail. As a cutie mark… he had a Canadian flag… I’m not fucking kidding you.

The pony noticed we were staring at him and looked our way. Suddenly, his face lit up with excitement. He rushed over to Emil and hugged him around the neck before saying in an all-too-familiar voice, “Emil, buddy, I’m so glad you’re safe!”

“Intrapulation?” I questioned.

“Winrar!” he gasped, pulling me into the hug as well.

I noticed Emil mouthing over and over “Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl.” He suddenly looked down to Intrapulation’s back legs. “FUCK!” he yelled.

“Twelve hundred words in and we’ve already established three main characters, two of which already have constant annoying traits that can be identified… this is gonna be brilliant,” I grumbled angrily.

“I was so worried about you guys,” Trap said, releasing us from his hug and stepping back slightly to look us in the eyes. “You two are some of my best friends. Did you find any of the other Doompie readers here? Are you the only two? I’m worried about everyone else. Friends have to stick together!”

“Make that a third trait: overly-kind and overly-concerned” I thought.

“The others are probably here, too. We just have to find them. I don’t think that should be too hard, though,” Emil answered.

“I’m gonna bet we find Sleipniiir next,” I said monotonously.

“I’m gonna bet on Backslasherton,” Emil added.

“I don’t care who we find,” Trap joined in. “As long as I know they’re safe, that’ll make me happy.”

Meanwhile, a certain Mr. Jameson was walking around town, a special shining sharp silver sword grasped in his magic to position it directly in front of him. The stallion was blank white all over, not a single spot of color showing on him in any place. “So, that’s your opinion on it?” he asked, tilting his head as he stared at the sword intensely. “Well, he does seem to be the kind of thing Equestrian society would need to get rid of.” Jameson looked over at the Alicorn with a blood red coat complimented by his jet black mane. He was conversing with Snips who seemed to be practically in ecstasy just by being in his presence.

Jameson nodded his head as he squinted at the Alicorn. “You’re right, Phillip,” Jameson growled. “We can’t have a black and red Alicorn OC with a troubled past live while we’re here… he must die now!”

Superprince Darkshadow continued his leisurely conversation with Snips as his senses began to go wild. “What’s the matter, Superprince Darkshadow? Is there something disturbing the most awesome Superprince in the history of time?”

“I don’t know, but something seems… off,” Superprince Darkshadow spoke in his epic dark voice only worthy of Superprince Darkshadow. “I’ve just got this little feeling tha-“ The Superprince’s eyes grew massive as his head slid off of his shoulders and onto the ground, leaving a trail of blood behind, as well as a fountain of it to squirt from the open stump where his head used to be. The terrible OC’s body slumped to the ground as a blade, now stained with Darkshadow’s blood, was punched through the top of Snips’s head.

The blade yanked from the head of the carcass of Snips as Jameson looked at it with a cheerful smile. “That was amazing, Phillip! You’re like an artist, just with murder!”

And for the record, yes, this is extremely important. I told you I was gonna tell you the whole story. That means everything I was told about, too.

Back to me, Emil and Trap… okay, so there wasn’t much that we were doing for a while except for aimlessly wondering around the town. We didn’t really do anything fun, either. Plus, the events above were reported pretty quickly compared to how it works with humans. In fact, it was reported within minutes and guards were there with heavy forces within ten minutes of that alert. Also, when I say heavy forces, I mean HEAVY FORCES.

Well, shortly after a lot of those heavy forces realized that the culprit didn’t stand there for around fifteen minutes, all but two appointed guards left. Those two idiots were the ones assigned to tell the Princess what had gone down… when she arrived, of course. Until then, they were just there to keep other ponies away from the corpses of the victims. Of course, the three of us had no fucking clue what was going on. We hadn’t heard anything or seen anything and, well, hear no evil, see no evil, sense no evil, don’t figure out what important shit is going down. That’s just the way the world works.

I eventually did go off to look around on my own for a little while, mostly because I was getting sick of Emil’s constant catcalling and sexual comments to every female creature that he saw, but also because I wanted to see if I could find anything of interest. Indeed, I did find something interesting. I came upon a huge corner shop (not on a corner of the street, though) made entirely of gingerbread-looking material. Above a bright pink doorway hung a sign that said “SUGARCUBE CORNER” in huge letters. I smiled at the sight of the familiar building, but decided not to explore further. Intrapulation would probably get pretty “worried” if I didn’t join him and Emil again soon, so I ran in the direction I came from as fast as I possibly could in order to catch up to the two others.

They happened to be right around the corner, but looking down a road with a thousand yard stare that made me a little curious as to what they were staring at. I went and looked down the road, standing behind them. I didn’t blame them for their surprise. Down the street, in between two houses were two carcasses covered in huge pools of blood. One of the bodies was missing a head, but it could be conveniently found inches away from the decapitated bodies. One of the bodies belonged to Snips and the other one belonged to someone who I wouldn’t miss even if I had known him… A red and black Alicorn OC, probably with a troubled past and a stupid-ass name…

“Well… I didn’t need to see that,” I said, breaking the deafening silence around us. Trap and Emil jumped.

“I don’t think that was one of our friends, though, so that’s relieving for me.” Intrapulation smiled at Emil and I.

“I don’t know about you, but he was black and red and he was an Alicorn OC,” I sighed. “The only good black and red Alicorn OC is a dead one that can’t totally fuck up a story beyond all repair.”

“I’d have to agree,” Emil nodded. He paused for a moment before saying something else, “Do you think there are female Royal Guards?”

“Don’t know, don’t care and DON’T want to find out!” I blurted, making sure Emil couldn’t piss me off more than he already had. My curiosity overtook me and I approached the two guards watching the bodies. “Hey, fellas,” I greeted them casually. “Would either of you two happen to know what happened here?”

“A double murder,” one guard said, his gaze remaining straight ahead.

“Well… I know that, but, like, specifically, what happened here?”

“Somepony murdered these two civilians with an edged weapon. One decapitated, the other getting stabbed through the top of the head,” the other guard continued

“Something I don’t know,” I added.

“A strawberry is not actually a berry but a banana is,” the first guard blurted out, still staring straight ahead.

“No! I want to know something about what happened here!”

“It was a double murder,” the first guard repeated.

I sighed. “Do you know who did it?”

“Irrelevant,” the second guard responded.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I yelled. “That’s probably the most relevant thing to look into right now!”

“He MEANS he doesn’t know,” the first guar clarified.

“So I guess you told them your level of education was irrelevant when you applied for the job, then?” I asked, looking over at the second guard with my eyebrow raised

The first guard finally stopped staring directly ahead and instead looked down at me. “Look, we don’t know anything about what happened. All we know is there were two innocent ponies killed and the Princes is on her way right now to take a look at the bodies. She’s bringing in her best detective as well since homicide is extremely rare in Equestria.”

“Now, that’s the explanation I was looking for,” I smiled. I turned and walked away from the guards, heading back towards Emil and Intrapulation. “Okay, so they don’t know who did what and why. I guess we don’t really have much of a reason to hang around the scene of the crime, so let’s go look for the other guys,” I suggested. “I think I have a good idea on where to look first, too.”

Down at Sugarcube Corner, there was an angry crowd throwing things at a jet black earth pony stallion that was standing up on the counter. The only one who wasn’t yelling at him to go away was Pinkie Pie, who was dying of laughter on the ground. “Come on! What are you, and audience or a jury?” he yelled. A cupcake hit him right in between the eyes, leaving pink frosting over the black fur.

Pinkie got up off the ground and bounced up to the counter where the pony was standing. “Tell one more! Tell one more!”

“Okay, but just for you, Pinkie,” he smiled. “I’m a real ladies man, you know! I had this one gal banging on my door all night so loud I couldn’t sleep, so I had to let her out!” Pinkie broke into another fit of laughter, falling on the ground, her limbs flailing around as she laughed uncontrollably. Another cupcake hit the pony on the counter.

“You suck!” one pony in the crowd yelled.

“Go away!” another called out.

“HOT POCKETS!” a third one hollered.

The black pony stepped off behind the counter and held out a hoof for Pinkie. She grabbed his hoof and hoisted herself up with the pony’s help, still giggling. “I don’t get why nopony likes your jokes, Endy! They’re amazing!” Pinkie said through her laughing

“Well, I can’t please everypony,” he responded. “I’m glad you like them, though.”

Emil, Trap and I were standing outside the door to Sugarcube Corner, listening in. We had gotten there just in time for the last joke. “I could swear that voice belonged to Enderbrony,” I muttered, just loud enough so the other two could hear.

“I thought I heard Pinkie say his name,” Emil added.

“I’m just glad he’s okay,” Trap smiled. I felt like punching him to get him to shut up, but I figured he was just trying to be nice and punching him… not the best idea.

I swung open the front door to the bakery, walking in casually and proceeding up to the counter. “Excuse me, I heard a mentioning of the Enderbrony here. Is he still around?” I asked, trying not to sound suspicious.

“I’m right here,” a pure black pony said, raising a hoof with a smile. Dark purple eyes accompanied the fur and made him look like he should’ve had a horn and wings, but surprisingly, he was missing both. ”It’s better than being left here!” he added. Pinkie started laughing again.

“That was fucking terrible,” I told him bluntly.

“Well, I’m trying my best,” Endy moaned childishly.

“Yeah, well your best sucks, now let’s go.” I turned around and stopped to say something else. “I’ve found Emil and Intrapulation, man. Let’s go!”

Endy hopped over the counter. “I’ll talk to you later Pinkie!” Endy called back over his shoulder. Pinkie Pie just waved at him with a smile.

The second Endy stepped outside, he was caught by Intrapulation who hugged him tightly. “ENDY!”

“I’m here,” he squeaked. “But I won’t be for long if you keep hugging me like this.”

Trap let go of Endy and stepped back a bit. “Hehe, sorry.”

“Alright, we’ve found four out of eight Doompie readers,” I alerted them. “We still need to find Sleipniiir, HeroAbsol, Backslasherton and Jameson.”

“Well, where do you think Jameson would be right now?” Trap asked.

“I know where I’m gonna be,” Emil interrupted, staring intently at Carrot Top who was right down the street. “Inside her!”

“No!” I snapped, bopping Emil on the head. “Bad Emil! Bad boy! No Pony pusspuss! Doompie members need to be found first!”

“Okay! Okay! No need to get violent,” he said, rubbing his head with a hoof.

“Anyway, wherever Jameson is, the writer’s not gonna give him an easy time, I’m gonna guarantee that right now.”

“That’s just not… WRITE of him to do that!” Endy added.

BONK! “OW!”

“No! Bad Endy!” I scolded him. “Let me end the fucking chapter!... Okay!” I huffed and got ready to continue. “Wherever Jameson is, the writer is gonna give him a hell of a hard time!”