What the FUCK is going on?!
It was a lovely day in Equestria. The sun was shining, and there was a nice cool breeze blowing throughout the land, and the birds were---
“AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!”
And... this is me. I seem to be in quite the bad predicament. Heh, i'm sure you all have questions like "How did I get here?" "What am I running from?" "And why the fuck did you even become an author, you illiterate bitch?!" Well, that last one was me. It's a very long story, and hell, even I still have a lot of questions myself. But, since you are reading this, I guess you have time.
It all began, not on Equestria, but on a far, far away planet called Earth.
(Insert opening music here)
So, this is my town, Crystal River, FL, USA. This town doesn't really have much to offer, other than rednecks and boat tours. It’s technically a city, but it’s more like a hick-town with a manatee problem.
And then you have me, about 2 days ago. My name is Paul. I do not have a last name, probably because I was rejected by my parents practically at birth. Since I didn't really know them, I can’t complain because I seem to be making a pretty good life with my adopted parents. They’re really nice people, although sometimes a bit kooky. Oh, but I seem to be getting a bit off topic, here. Where I was heading right now was supposed to be back to my house, but on my way there, I stumbled upon a yard sale. I can never resist a good yard sale. Actually, it was more of a garage sale. I can't even remember anymore.
As I walked in, there wasn't really anyone around, so I just started looking around the garage at all the odd looking bits-and-pieces, When I noticed the old guy sitting near the garage door in a lawn chair with a cardboard box.
“Hello, young man! Please, feel free to browse my various wares.” Greeted the old man.
Looking at him, he resembled the stereotypical hobo a bit. You know Gandalf’s beard? From Lord of the Rings? Well, his facial hair kind of reminded me of him. And along with the mismatched, random clothes, he completed the stereotype. But he wasn't smoking, so the stereotype wasn't complete.
So then I decided to walk around the garage some more, expecting some kind of item to bring home and add to my collection of useless junk. But then, without warning, the old man slammed the garage door shut, locking me in.
‘Aw, shit. He’s going to try to rape me isn't he?’ I asked myself. Just as that thought went through my brain, a hand touched my shoulder. Then another on my head. Even though it was dark, I knew the old man seemed to be, well, feeling me up. No, now that I think about it, it was more like he was examining me. But, of course, I didn't know that back then. Before he could feel any farther, I pushed him back and barked:
"What the hell is wrong with you, you homeless bastard?!" Now thinking back, since he was in a garage that he probably owned, he probably wasn't homeless. He just gave off that vibe.
He paused, got up, and then continued to say;
"You are perfect. Exactly what I need."
What he did next I thought was impossible. With just the snap of his fingers, he made a burst of light, and the cardboard box was suddenly in his hands. While in a state of bewilderment of what he just did, he continued to say:
"Inside this box contains something beyond your wildest imagination."
He gestured to me to come forward. Without him telling me, I knew he wanted me to take the box from his hands. At first, I felt hesitant, like I was scared to take it, but I just told myself it was just a box. I held the box in my hand for a while, until I finally asked the question;
"So exactly what's so special about this box?"
As I turned around, I saw no one behind me. No hobo looking guy, no one, as if he never was there in the first place.
Now, starting to really panic, I did what anyone would do. I paced. I paced back and forth across the floor, inside the locked garage with the box placed on one of the tables, staring at me as I paced. Finally, I stopped and looked at the box, and began to think. 'What on earth is so special about this box?' I picked up the box again, and inspected it like I was Sherlock Homes. I came to the deduction that it was simply, a plain, un-extraordinary, box. So, with that harmless conclusion in mind, I finally decided to open it.
As I slowly opened the box I prepared for the worst. Nothing could prepare me for what I saw, and was going to see later that day. I peered into the box and saw... nothing. But not just a normal "There wasn't anything in the box." It was an endless void of nothingness. Yet another impossible feat to happen that day. After what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably less than 10 seconds of staring, I decided to put my hand in the box for a feel. I reached my hand in, and felt nothing, as expected. Until something (Or someone) grabbed my hand, and yanked hard. I attempted to reclaim my hand, but the mysterious thing was too strong for me, and pulled my entire body through the box opening, into the extremely-dark-void-of-darkness.
And so, I fell. And continued to fall, just hoping and praying that I wouldn't be killed by a rather unpleasant impact of Floor-Meets-Paul. But, just as I was starting to actually get bored, I stopped. I looked around, wondering if I was dead or something,when a figure appeared before me. It spoke in a somewhat playful, but old voice:
"SOOOooo, are we having fun in our never-ending fall?"
Fed up with the oddness this day has held for me, I yelled back to the figure;
"Who are you? What are you? Why am I here? Nothing is making any FUCKING sense!"
Again the voice said in it's odd tone: "But where the fun in making sense? Enjoy the rest of the trip, Paul"
"Wait, how do you know my NAAAAMMMMEEEeeeeee....."
As I fell, I slammed my eyes shut as a large, extremely bright light consumed me. Then, everything went black.
"When you wake up, you'll be in a land you've never been in. You'll have a new body. Don't be too afraid, little one, for we shall meet again. That is, after you pass a test of mine. After you pass, I shall contact you, so please. Don't keep me waiting."
I awoke hours later to unfamiliar surroundings that looked, well, kinda cartoon-ish. Like, as if I ended up on a episode from some Hasbro trash on The Hub channel. I don't even know how parents let their kids watch that shit. Anyways, I looked to my left. Surprisingly, there were trees. I look to my right, and, SURPRISE, there were MORE trees. I looked up, and there were MORE trees, and branches. From this, I believe I can conclude that I was in a forest. I can't say which one, but I what I can guarantee is that I will find out who, or what, that thing that put me here was, and then kick it's ass!... Which might get me killed, but it's not the craziest of ideas ever! Right?
"OK, even though the ground feels good, I can't just sit here any more. And besides this, forest is starting to give me the creeps."
As I tried to get into a standing position, I noticed that standing on two legs felt... really weird.
"OK Paul, first step to getting back home. Lets do this!"
I took my proud first step, and automatically my face had a nice tea party with the ground. Shortly after, my face had another fiesta with the ground.
"Well that could have definitely gone better! What the hell, legs! I was walking just fine before!" I picked myself up and looked at my feet. But instead of feet, I ended up looking at two pairs of hooves. Why? Well the easy explanation is that I seem to have the body of a pony. Wait, that's not right at all!
"Wha--wha--I--uh--what?! Okay, time to check if I'm insane or not. A pony? Why am I a pony?! This doesn't make any sense at all!" The voice of the creature from earlier echoed through my head;
"Now, what's the fun of making any sense...?"
So the creature also is responsible for my sudden body switch.
"I'LL HAVE IT'S HEAD!" Were the first actual words I said that weren't to myself since I got... wherever the fuck I am. Right, no time, I have to figure out how this new body works.
And just so you know, it took me at least two hours to figure out how to walk, so I'll spare the details on how many times I failed on all fours. Alright, back to the STORY.
Finally, after I THINK two hours, I was able to stand on all four legs. Or should I say, hooves. (OK, now that I got the sanding and walking maby now I can work on running le-) my thoughts were cut short by rustling in the bushes.
I looked to my left and ready ed my self to run, my thoughts were running this whatever it was going to be s giant ferrous-bunny? Oh it's just a white cute little bunny, I was going to pet the bunny until it started hopping fast in the direction right of me, I scratched my head pondering, (hu...I wonder what he's late for?), my question was quickly answered by a ferrous rower behind me. I gulped a huge lump in my throat and slowly turned behind me, what I saw was the third most impossible thing today, a monster with the body and head of a lion with bat wings on its back and a scorpion tail for its tail. how was my reaction time to this run from the monster, well you know those horror movies where people look at the monster instead of run first, I did the COMPLETE opposite and basically RAN LIKE SATAN HIMSELF WAS BEHIND ME!
And as I ran the monster gave chase. I continued to run, while trees and bushes became a blur. Then it hit me. It was running that came more naturally to me then walking or standing. For a brief moment, I was proud of myself. Until I tripped and fell on my face. Again. You know, sooner or later my bad luck is going to run it's course. I quickly picked myself up and began to run again from the sound of the monster getting closer. The roars from it could be heard for miles, and I don't want others to get hurt. So, let's pick a direction, Brain. To the right! I continued to run in that direction, until I reached a clearing where a cottage was sitting. I ran up to it and started banging on the door. And which I repeated to scream:
"Let me in! Let me in please!!!"
I feel bad for the door now that I think about it.
I heard a faint voice behind the door, but I couldn't make out the words. I could tell whoever it was, they were scared. (I mean, who wouldn't be? Here I am banging and screaming at someone's door, and I expect them to suddenly cater to me?) OK, instead, lets try a reason thus I continued to say in a calmer voice
"listen please theirs a monster out here trying to eat me I'm going to die if you don't open the door."
No answer, I looked behind me as I saw the monster closing in, my back against the door, closing my eyes for the worst to happen, that is until I didn't feel the door on my back gravity did the rest as I landed on the floor. I quickly reacted and kicked the door shut with my back hooves. I picked myself off the floor and began to scan the room and found more then a dozen bird cages complete with the birds, and a yellow pony with wings in th- WAIT PONY WITH WINGS! My eyes went wide at this but quickly snapped out of it, bigger things were happening and if I don't think of something fast we were both going to die here but first a thanks. "Hay thanks for that I would have been a goner if it was not for you"
"....."
"umm...do you talk, what's your name?"
"um i'm Fluttershy"
"come again"
"it's Fluttershy"
another rorwe was herd from outside the pony quickly hid behind the couch, I slowly went over to help her up, as I did I jokingly said to make her feel better "don't worry just another kitty cat that is angry because he lost his ball of yarn."
With that I received a small giggle from the pony named Fluttershy, I quickly responded victoriously "see I got you to giggly that's my job well done today"
Fluttershy asked in a calm mood "who are you mister?"
to which I responded "Paul and leave out the mister i'm not married"
"Oh i'm sorry"
"no reason to be"
the rore was once again herd as I quickly thought of a plane.
"OK Fluttershy here is the plane you stay in here and i'm going to distract the mons-"
"manticor"
"what?"
"it's a manticor and I THINK it would appreciate that it wasn't called a monster"
(i'll be sue to remember that wail it tares my head off)"alright i'll distract the MANTICOR while you stay safe in here, i'll lure away the manticor so you'll stay safe"
she lightly nodded, I then turned to open the door. As I open it I was greeted by a manticors mouth, as quickly as I opened it I shut it just as fast tuned to Fluttershy and said "you wouldn't happen to have a back door would you"
she nodded again and I proceeded to it, on the way out I saw a mirror and took a brief moment to look myself over.
Green cote
red eyes
white mane with maching tail
yep my life is officially fucked, I then went to the door to see how much more shit was going to happen, I peeked outside the back door to see if the manticor was there, I then dared out further until the manticor jumped on top of me from the ROOF of the cottage, smart bastard was waiting for me. I looked as the manticor was going for the kill until a blue and rainbow blur ram strait into the manticors head, knocking both the blur and manticor out, unfortunately on top of me. I struggled to get out from under the beast and succeeded I then went over to the blur that saved me it was another winged pony, and it was knocked out cold, hell it must have been flying at least 70 miles an hour, I then herd an
"EEP" from behind me and saw flutters with a shocked look on her face as she
then said "Rainbow dash!"
(Rainbow dash that's a creative name) I THOUGHT as I looked at her mane, I then gestured flutters over to me and said "could you take your friend in while I see if I can move this manticor out of here"
she nodded and dragged her friend inside, I then went over to the beast and pondered how the hell am I suppose to do this, I tried from the side didn't work, I tried the left no luck, I tried its head didn't work ether, tried the tail that didn't work and I cut myself on its tail!
(Oh crap that's not good what else could go wrong) I thought wile back down on the ground, until the manticors eyes snapped open and looked into mine. I then plainly said "fuck my life."