Chapters "Uh, what is this again?" Rainbow Dash carefully eyed the silver bowl. It sat in the center of Twilight's library, ornate and filled to the brim with a dry, crispy leaf. The leaf had been shredded and ground in a pestle, and then packed down into this bowl.
"I already told you Rainbow, it's an expensive incense. See, I found this new spell in this book right here." Twilight turned from her long oaken table, a thin blue book firmly in her magic. She crammed it into the cyan mare's face, forcing her to see the open page. On it was no more than a happy face, with a few words that the pegasus didn't bother to read. "And it says right there that we needed this rare new incense. It's called mmm...mar...argh, I can't pronounce it."
"And what's it do exactly?" Rainbow asked. She gave the bowl a tiny kick, an uneasy grimace on her face. "This stuff smells weird."
"I know, I know. But it's a necessity. See? In the book!" Once again, the little book flew at Rainbow's face.
She shoved it away, scowling. "Yeah, the book. Can we just get on with this? Why did you need me anyways?"
Twilight set the book down by the incense, making her way to one of the two candles that sat on windowsills at either side of the room. It was late now - almost ten - and darkness was abound in the tree. The unicorn inspected the white stack of burning wax, making sure it was still properly alight. "I figured you could use a bit of happiness in your life. I mean, with all the fights you and Applejack have been having..."
"Y-You know?"
She nodded slowly, inspecting the opposite candle as little droplets of wax trickled down its side. "Almost all of Ponyville knows. You two are...quite the couple," Twilight said, returning to her book. She gave the incense a good whiff, taking in its pungent odor with a scrunched nose.
"Oh, well, uh....yeah, I guess I could use a bit of happiness," the brash mare admitted, crimson blush filling her cheeks.
"Then what are we waiting for? Let's get started!" Twilight flashed a warm, comforting smile to her friend, who took it with grace. The two, alone in the center of the library, turned their gazes down to the incense between them. Twilight leaned in, her eyes skimming a small block of text - the one Rainbow refused to read actually. "Well here it says we need to just...burn it."
"Is that weird or something?"
"In a way I suppose. Normally you burn a pike, or light a fire beneath it. But, um, here it just says to burn it," Twilight noted, carefully inspecting the text once more.
"Hey, if it says burn it, just burn it. I mean, you read books a lot, don't you know what to trust?" The pegasus darted her eyes, switching between the mare before her, the pungent incense, and the little open book on the tree floor.
"I do. And...I guess we could start. Are you ready?"
"Oh am I ever! It's been a while since I've been really happy. AJ and I..."
Twilight just nodded, showing she understood. Levitating a candle over and tilting its wicker down, she said, "Then let's get started."
***
"Oh...Twi...Twi, this spell really works," Rainbow said. She was sprawled out on her back, rolling around on the harsh, cold floor because she was high as fuck.
The unicorn across from her shot up from her slouched position, momentarily showing awareness in her eyes. Then, it was gone, for she too was high as fuck. "What works?"
"Yes."
"I know, right?" the unicorn agreed. She fell on her back now, rolling onto her stomach as a sloppy grin stretched across her lips. "This shit's the fuck..."
Rainbow let loose a soft chuckle that soon morphed into a muffled, dumb-ass snicker when her hoof sealed her lips. Tiny splashes of spit flew out, but she didn't care; she was having a laughing seizure, and was too damn busy wailing her arms around like a dying tuna fish. Twilight followed her lead, bursting into fits of gut-wrenching giggles, clutching her belly and rolling around in circles.
The incense still burned, engulfing the air in a thick grey smog. Every breath the pair drew sucked in this haze, and despite the amounts they were inhaling, the bowl just seemed to produce it twofold. Plume after plume rose from the browning pile, clouding not only the room but their lungs. And with each breath they took, they got fucking dumber and dumber.
Her giggles dying down into coughs, Rainbow said, "Aw, man, ya know what?"
Twilight did her best to calm down, rolling back onto her back and slowly - slowly , like the opposite of you in bed - shoving herself back to her haunches. "Uh...no. What?" She shook her head, whipping her mane left and right.
"This spell really works," Rainbow said. She gave a polite smile, but soon lost it to another fit of giggles, that in truth, sounded like Charlie Sheen snorting coke.
"Huh. Yeah, it does! I feel really happy right now," the unicorn said as a mellow grin crept across her face. She now looked like a fat guy looking at a chocolate bar. "Um, yeah, come here."
The cyan ball of squirming laughter calmed down slightly, looking at her friend with red shaded eyes that contrasted her magenta irises like fucking tomatoes. "What? Why?"
"Just - Just do it. Just come here." Twilight waved her hoof at her, opening her arms like fucking Jesus and scarcely balancing herself on her plot.
Rainbow looked at the candle, the incense, then back at her friend. She was confused. Why? Because she was high, you dumbass out-of-the-fourth-wall reader. Her laughter halted as she pushed herself onto her weak legs, slowly trotting over to her open friend. After a moment of stumbling, she landed in the mares arms, quickly becoming wrapped in a shared warmth like no other, except that of a fresh grilled cheese sandwich.
"Oh, oh Rainbow...You're so...fluffy," Twilight said, breathing a deep sigh into the pegasus's ultra muscled shoulder.
The mare let out a deep moan (Like she would if they were having secks), eventually returning the sigh as her heavy eyelids drooped ever lower. She ran her hooves up and down Twilight's back, then her sides, and eventually her mane. "Naw...you. You're fluffier."
"Well thank you. You're the nicest pegasus in Equestria." Twilight made a kissy face, snuggling deeper into the hug because they're obviously both lesbians. But then Rainbow broke away, falling to her haunches with a sudden gaze of disapproval. "Oh, um, I'm so sorry if that made you weird-"
"Twi how long has it been?" the mare asked, looking out the window and deep into the star speckled sky. "It's dark."
"Um...eleven, I think. Why?" The unicorn shook her head as though she couldn't understand not only the reason, but the whole 'It's dark' thing. The room was lit well enough...
"Are you hungry? Cuz...I'm starving.
"I guess," the mare said, placing a groggy hoof beneath her chin. She rolled her scarlet eyes about, pondering the situation philosophically. "Yup. I'm hungry."
"Where's your kitchen? There's food in there!" The pegasus jumped to her hooves - then fell on her face, making it all flat as annoying-ass music played in the background. She brushed it off, carefully pushing herself up and dragging on past Twilight to the dark oak archway that led to the kitchen.
Twilight got up, waving her hoof and making a 'pfft' noise. Spittle flew out as she shook her rag-doll head to and fro. "Hang on, I got this bro. Sp-iiiike !"
Then she smiled, hiccupped, and sat with a thud. It wasn't long till the little green dragon limped from his silent chambers. "Whazzup man?" he asked as he appeared through the doorway, rubbing his eyes and yawning as a huge golden chain hung down from his neck. Suddenly, though, his eyes snapped open. "Twilight, what da shiz be goin on? Does the place be on fire?"
He scampered down the stairs, waving the smoke from his eyes as his chain rattled. The thick air was hard to breathe, and he soon was coughing. Despite all of this, when he came to the bottom landing, he found his practical mother and Rainbow Dash staring at him with idiotic grins, and a bit of drivel down the sides of their cheeks. To their left, lit by not only the dim candlelight, but by a little ember inside it, was the mound of incense, producing smoke at an ever constant rate.
Spike's face was soon that of annoyance. "Dis ain't funny! I be really scared! Twilight, it'z like, midnight an' shiz! What does you need mayn?"
"Aw, Spikey-Wikey," the unicorn said with a chortle that she failed to contain. "We want food."
"Well go get some hoe. The kitchen's right there." He pointed a claw to the kitchen. "Let a bro sleep."
"But we're hungry ," the cyan pegasus whined, putting on a poor pouty face, her lip sticking out and red eyes drooped. She looked like Rarity when she got 20% more duckface.
"Ugh, if I make you two whiney freaks sandwiches, will you leave me alone?" he asked, rubbing the bags under his eyes.
Twilight continued to laugh, now clenching her belly, but still stood as she said, "Sure. Then you can snore."
"I can what? I ain't snore," Spike said in defense as he dragged himself towards the kitchen.
"You're not snoring," Rainbow said, her face red and drooped. She was biting her lip harshly, little puffs of air snorting our as she tried to contain herself.
"Whatever. You two need be get some sleep. You look tired, and you be actin...weird," he noted as he slipped into the kitchen. He flicked the light on, causing both the sagging mares to recoil. They blinked harshly, covering their eyes with a forearm and turning away from the light as though it was burning them. But light can't really burn Twilight Sparkle, because she's part God. The show says so.
Whatever. Anyways, they sunk back to the incense burner. Swaying as though they were in a hard breeze, they sucked in the smoke, releasing in heavy breaths and happy sighs.
"Hey. Hey Rainbow." Twilight reached over and poked her friend's cheek.
The mare slowly turned her head, revealing her gaping mouth, drooping lips and hazy red eyes that made her look as bad as this fanfic. "Yea?"
"Do you remember why we called him? He's my bitch and all, but I think there was something else."
Rainbow Dash tossed her eyes to the kitchen, then returned them to her friend. She pursued her lips, on the verge of another chortle as she answered, "Naw."
There was a pause.
"Wanna ditch'm? Taco Bell's open all night, ya know. Remember...from the commercials? I'm lovin' it!" she said in a singsong voice.
Her friend perked up at this idea, a huge grin slapped to her face. Her eyes widened - to their normal state, that is - and her ears lifted halfway from her head. Then, wingboner. "Yeah...yeah! Oh oh! We can get food there too!"
Twilight shook her head quite rapidly, forcing herself to her hooves with a jubilant groan. "C'mon!" she whispered, stumbling towards the library door.
The pegasus stood as well, desperately fighting her laughs back to avoid being caught by gangsta Spike. That would ruin the whole thing! She fumbled with her hooves for a moment, eventually forcing them to shuffle her body towards her waiting friend.
At the door, they exchanged a glance, a nod, and a smile that died to release their heavy chortles. Twilight carefully opened the door with her hooves, letting her friend slip out into the cold night air before her, and feeling quite like a sir. A fucking moustache then appeared on her face. Because all sirs have moustaches.
When it was her turn, she slipped free from the smoky library, into the chilly night air, shutting the door behind her. Her fur stood on end from the cold, and she smelled of thick smoke, but she paid neither any mind.
Turning to Rainbow Dash, she whispered, "Aw, dude, this is gonna be epic!"
[Authors Note: So, I wrote this while I was sober, and edited it drunk. Woo! Alright, well I'm gonna post it tonight and let sober me deal with the hate-comments and thumbs downs tomorrow. Drunk me is gonna party! Why? Because ponies.]
Two: Valkyries of McTacoKing
Lesbo-Dash and Twi-Stache trotted down mane street. Rainbow was walking strangely, but it was because she had just finished humping a splintering post.
"Aw, man, there it is..." Twilight said, falling to her haunches. There in front of her was fat-ass heaven - Taco Bell. It sat tall, lights on in its clear windows displaying its midnight emptiness. Surrounded by other grease loads - Lard King, McFatass, Five Walking Boulders and Fries - it was definitely the king. There was a fucking taco on it. This huge ass fucking taco that was spinning on a pole. That meant king.
But Rainbow stopped in her tracks, just as Twilight stood again. "Uh, Twi, I'm, um, scared," she said, turning away and getting all googly faced and shit.
"Me too, but dude, there's food in there! I mean, like, all, loads and loads of food!" Twilight turned around and pointed at the glass doors and that contained both glass and door in one. "We can't quit now! What, um, what would that one chick think?"
"Who? Flutte..." Rainbow couldn't continue, bursting out laughing and falling onto her back. She tried to stop, desperately tried, but that only cause her to fling spittle across the deserted cobble streets. "Fuckin Fluttershy man...haha!"
"Wha, fak, no! I'm talking all about Celesita, er, Celesica. You know, Celestibitch. Yeah." Twilight nodded in approval. But Celestia's eyes appeared in the sky, darting and watching them. They were all draconic and shit, because that means evil. Then they were gone; they weren't even important anyways. What? Cause fuck you, that's why.
"You're right! What would I think?"
"Yeah!" Twilight jumped up, stumbling on over to the door. But Rainbow didn't follow; she was still nervously looking at the utilitarian building, as if it would spew out tacos. And churos. Aw, and rainbows! And maybe another line that's actually funny.
"Do we have to?" Rainbow asked, picking a splinter out from her belly.
Twilight waved a hoof, her face scrunching up like a squeegie. "Ew, RD, quit that! That nasty shit!"
Rainbow ignored her, picking away at the tiny piece of wood. "Heh, hey Twi," she said, "The, um, writer guy, he just said 'wood'."
Wait. What?
"Pfft, haha! Wood..." Twilight burst out into a fit of laughter, falling onto the cement sidewalk and rolling around like a drunk hobo. Then, her moustache lit on fire, burning a handlebar imprint into her face.
Because I didn't say you could break the fourth wall bitch! Only I can break the fourth wall!
She didn't feel it because she was still high as fuck. Standing up, and looking back at the Taco Bell, she said, "Oh! I know! They have a window on the side! We can just get our shit from that!"
"Oh yeah!" the pegasus exclaimed, eyeing the tiny side window that was shaded with a tarp. "Let's go to the thing! I'm starving. There's probably food in there." She eyed the restaurant closely, inspecting the taco-crowned pole up and down its length. "But I don't know..."
The unicorn was already halfway there, stumbling around on the approaching sidewalk. Her legs were as heavy as Chuck Norris's ballsack, and she having a hard time dragging them. "Well we're gonna find out," she snickered, soon laughing, then bellowing out into the night. She leaned up on the painted brick wall, scraping her way down to the window.
Rainbow stared at her for a moment, before jumping up and trotting over to her like a fucking retard. The two carefully approached the window, giving each other quick glances of sloppy approval. As they were now next to the window, pressed up against the wall, they snickered to each other.
"Aw this is gonna be so swag," Rainbow said.
"Alright, alright, shut up," the unicorn said, covering her mouth as she snickered. Rainbow nudged her, a dumbass grin on her own droopy face.
Twilight swiveled out, appearing in front of the window. She tapped on it with a hoof, immediately getting the attention of the mare inside. The brown mare opened the window, sticking out her head, atop which was a black cap with an embroidered taco.
"Can I, erm, help you ladies? Shouldn't you be inside? This is the drive through..." she said, glancing back inside.
"Uh, yeah, I'd like, uh...uh..." Twilight stared into the restaraunt, the smell of dead cows being fried filling her senses. She began to drool at the smell, because well, she's a cannibal or some shit.
RD tapped her, then pointed at the annoyed mare. "Sorry for my friend," she said with a snicker, "We want a...a...uh..."
"A taco! Yeah, get us, uh...two...three...tacos. Yep. Three each. And make them big. Oh! But, uh...no tacos. I want a burrito," she said. Then, she fell to her ass as laughter billowed forth. She was cringing, turning red as she rocked back and forth in her fit. "An...And put beans on it!" she said with another wave of cackles.
Rainbow joined in, falling to her side and laughing away. "Yeah! Yeah put beans on mine too!" she chortled, her body flopping around like a ArgandCrystal with a pillow on a lonely night.
[I, the author, feel it necessary to break the funny and say I hold no personal grudge towards ArgandCrystal. It's all for teh lulz man.]
"What? I...fine." The mare leaned in and typed something in on her register. These ponies obviously weren't right in the head - the sooner they were gone, the sooner she could go back to her shitty life working the graveyard shift at a grease bucket.
As the two's giggle fits stopped, they returned to the counter, their red eyes glowing in the night like fucking suns. They watched as she clicked her little earpiece, typed a few words into her machine, and looked back at them with an annoyed grimace.
"So two burritos each?"
"Nice to meet you too," Twilight said, extending a hoof. The mare facehoofed, sighed, and typed in the number two.
She then leaned out again into the chilly night air to face the two fucktards at the window. "Sie tatsächlich diese übersetzt? Arschloch."
Both Rainbow's and Twilight's eyes went wide in horror as they backed away. They exchanged saggy glances, lips quivering and ears flat. "Rainbow-"
"Uh-huh." The pegasus nodded to show her understanding.
Suddenly, Twilight hopped up onto the little window shelf, saying to the mare, "You're a nazi! Back Hitler back!" She swooped her hooves as though they had a tortch. Then, a straw hat appeared on her head. She grew a pale white beard and moustache, a tan linen cape on her back. "Die monster!"
Rainbow joined in, snarling and flailing her forelegs around. "Kill it with fire!"
"Whoa, whoa, ladies, I asked how you wanted it cooked," the mare said, backing away.
"Well why'd you say it in Hitlernese, huh? Cuz you're a nazi..." Twilight said, darting her burning eyes.
"Ladies, is there a problem?" a gruff voice asked from behind them. The mare at the window spun around, and soon, all three of them could see two stallions at the inside counter, dressed in blue uniforms with neat little caps. On one's vest, embroidered in silver thread, was HappyKoala . On the other there was Wolfeproctor .
"Oh...oh shit, Twi, it's the police!" Rainbow whispered, dropping from the counter.
"Yeah, so, it's not like we're doing anything wrong or anything wrong. We're just ordering hamburgers. I mean, sheesh, you'd think-"
"Naw, Twi, we're in the drive through . I-I just realized it! That's law breaking!" the pegasus said, ducking down. Her face was that of horror and fear.
Twilight bent down next to her, eyes droopy and wide. "Oh no...Oh no...By Luna's pubic beard this is bad..."
"What are we gonna do? I'm scared! Aw, shit man we shoulda gone inside instead..."
"I told you! What're we gonna do? I gotta pee so bad man, I'm scared!"
"I gotta pee too! Uh, uh, we gotta get outta here!"
The mare peered over the counter to the huddled over mares. All she heard was 'shit' and 'pee', and thus was snarling. "Your food is ready ma'ams," she sneered, setting a thick bag of taco-y awesomeness on the windowsill.
"Did she see us?" Rainbow asked.
"Naw, she didn't. Quick, let's get the food and get the fuck outta here!"
"Hey! I know what to do! You got that floating thing, the big one that looks like a tit! Let's fly that bitch outta here!"
"Awww yeah!" Twilight agreed, a smile that resembled a dying walrus spreading across her drooling lips. She stood up, and gave the inside mare a look. A pedobear look.
"Thanks for the food and shit."
"Yeah, uh, whatever. That'll be eight- Hey, get back here!" But it was too late - the pair was already halfway down the street, running and laughing like madponies.
"Aw, this is so swag yo." But a quick look over their shoulder revealed it was not so swag.
The two police were angry! They were chasing after the pair, demanding that the story raise its rating to mature...no, wait. They were demanding that they give back the tacos!
"Come back!" one yelled.
"Aye! Get back here, ye bastards!"
A quick look over their shoulders revealed some horrible news: the cops were also vikings, and were charging at them with horned helmets, battle axes, and beards.
"Fus Ro Dah!" one yelled. The running pair screamed and picked up the pace.
Just as the stoned as fuck pair of fucking fucktards were fucking caught by the troll - er, viking police, a miracle happened! They were struck with lightning, and then, this happened:
Well, no, actually it didn't. But they kept running, imitating a tank the whole way.
[Author's Note: People actually like this shit?!]
Four-Twenty: The unrelated chapter.
Otherwise known as: Charlie Sheen comes to Ponyville.
Twi-stoned and Rainbow-Dick sat in the middle of the dark road, staring out at this shiny light. It was all colorful and shit, like from Stephen King's The Langoliers, with the exception that Michael Jackson's balls weren't eating the world. It radiated pink light, and was in the shape of your mom's vagina: Large, open, and leading to another world.
On the other side was some strange ass place filled with carts that moved on their own, shiny signs and flashing shit, and more jackasses than you could count on your hooves. However, one jackass in particular came through, just before the portal closed. He was tall, wearing jeans and a black shirt that read Winning. His strong chin and awesome hair must've meant that he was the god of all jackasses.
"Aw...Dude, it's...a dude..." Rainbow said, snickering into her hoof.
"I am Charlie Sheen! God of Coke!" he announced, puffing his chest out and doing this awesome ass hero stance.
Twilight bowed to him. "You're so fucking awesome," she said.
"You may clop to me!"
Twilight reached down and clopped. The following event is a true story, as told by eye witnesses:
You have just witnesses a sexual fiction. Contact your local pharmacy now.
Charlie Sheen stood taller, and suddenly, his legs turned into rocket boosters! Huge blue flame stacks shot out from them, launching him high into the air. He went higher, and higher, until he was as high as Twilfuck!
When he was in the air, floating high above Ponyville, it started to snow. Random massive clouds of grey and black rolled over the small town, and tiny little sprinkles of white slowly drifted down.
But when they reached Twilight's nose, as well as Rainbow Dash, the pair got a good whiff. Suddenly things became blurry, fast, spinning even.
Once more the floating drug god shouted, "I am Charlie Sheen! Terminator god of coke!"
Then Celestia appeared from the sky, announcing her presence with a masculine roar. Seeing her beloved mentor, Twicrack turned to her friend with a huge grin, saying, "Immafuckheroneday!"
Rainbow looked out amongst the huge ass fields of white and said, "Immafuckyouonedaytoo!"
They proceeded to have an offensive drug-induced orgy, because sex is that easy in Equestria. (amidoingthisrite?)
Celestia charged at Charlie Sheen, jabbing him with her horn. But little did she know, the god of coke/Terminator before he got manboobs was secretly a muffin from 1845! Old, crusty raisins were flung from his gut, splattering out upon the fourth wall and all over you.
The alicorn pulled back out, and saw her faithful student doing das sex with a young rainbow mare. "Hey...I taught her that..." she said with a smile.
But Charlie Sheen was not here to smile. He was here to be the god damn god of coke! And before he could take his place as King Coke Sheen, he needed to blow this mare to the moon. Pulling his hands back, his face all scrunched up, he began, "Shamayyy...Pornayyy...COOOKKKEEEEE!" Then this bigass beam of cocaine bellowed out from his outstretched palms! His hair turned heroin white, and he went Super Sheen!
Celestia couldn't take it; she was blown away, dying. Because she was dead. All dead. Because of coke. Kids, don't do coke. Ecstasy is more awesome.
Suddenly super sheen became Jesus! Super King Coke Jesus Sheen brought himself back down to earth. Twilight Sparkle was staring in awe.
"You killed Celestia, you bastard! What's wrong with you?"
"I'M BI-WINNING!" he shouted in her face in CAPSLOCK.
He then grew over nine thousand times his size, and began to eat trees.
Sensing the distress, Luna and her pubic beard appeared![For those of you who don't know what Luna's pubic beard is, imagine this:
With this: Hang on. There something...fishy about this. Bad Dum Tss]
With the help of her flying pirate crew, who had just gotten done killing the mockingbird with the moon (Ha, no one's gonna understand) she defeated Charlie Sheen. There was this epic battle, lots of explosions, and death. But let's be honest, those things make fiction boring. You want to see more drugs, bad writing, and Davy Pubic Beard.
Then Charlie Sheen came back from the dead. Super King Coke Zombie Jesus Sheen ate Luna. She tasted like tuna. Girls, wash your tuna. Because Charlie Sheen doesn't always eat live pubic beards, but when he does, he doesn't like them to taste like tuna.
Then his lazer eyes beamed down upon Equestria, lighting shit on fire. It began to rain now, dropping down KY warming jelly from the sky.
Twilight was still in smexy time with Rainbow Dash, so this was good.
"I shall take my leave!" He shrunk back to size, ripping open the vagina portal thing.
Just as he was about to step through it, Twilight turned into Sweetie Belle. She looked deep into the light, before being sucked in herself. The last thing she could remember was thinking:
"Twilight...Twilight!" Rainbow Dash called, snapping the unicorn from her weird fantasy. "Dude, we gotta get this fuckin thing in the air! Those vikings are almost here!"
Of the Cancellation of this Fic:
Well that's obviously not happening. Unless someone wants to take over this; I'm fine with that.
But here, for you people who liked this so much, I do have something else I think you'll be interested in...Levitation
