An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

-Reaper-(sorry for forgetting you last episode!)

Alright Shadow. I got Shade, and I’m at the door. Any ideas?

I took a look around. No controls for the doors. No buttons. No...anything really. There was only the door, and the two columns holding the...wait a second.

Yea. I got a plan. Uh...back away from the door.

[This plan is suicide.]

^Preparing complex levitation spell.^

[Seriously. We will die. We won’t have enough magic for a shield.]

I tossed my cigarette away. {I’m prepared to take that risk.}

[Just for the only stoner in Equestria?]

{You know as well as I do. We have to get weed to Pinkie Pie.}

[...Fine. I hope you know what you’re doing.]

{No fucking clue.}

^Casting spell.^

A quick flash from my horn, and the two turrets were lifted from their mountings. I slowly moved them down, then turned them toward me and the door. It took them all of 5 seconds to lock on to the only remaining target. Me.

“FOR WEED!!!!” In hindsight. Not my best battle cry. And considering I wasn’t even battling...I was just making sure that the 3,000 bullets flying all around me weren’t hitting me. Yea, definitely not my best battle cry. I flipped, rolled, slid, and eventually just did the fucking Macarena. But my crazy as plan was working! I risked a glance behind me to check the doors condition. Maybe 5 more seconds and it would be through.

Dream Cloud. Get ready.

For what?

To answer his question, the bullets finally broke through the door. I’ll admit it. At this point I turned tail and galloped through the opening. I got behind the wall right as Dream Cloud peeked out. He immediately dropped back behind cover.

“Shadow what the hell? THIS WAS YOUR PLAN?”

“COUGH Yea. It was the best I had. Oh shit is that blood?” I had indeed coughed out a little more blood. Dream Cloud finally got a look at my back. Apparently I had gained a few more shots to the back during my mad dash inside the prison. I think that adds up to around 20 bullets in me in all. Roughly.

“SWEET CELESTIA! THE HAY HAPPENED?”

“I ran into some trouble at the checkpoints. It’s nothing.” It would’ve been believable if I hadn’t groaned in pain right then.

“Like hell it isn’t. Shade? Can you fix him up?”

I turned over to Shade, wincing as I did so. “I don’t know. I don’t think weed’ll help me.”

“I’m a healer. Or I was, till I found the ‘Healing properties’ of a certain green friend.”

“Well...then the hell are you waiting on? I’m pretty sure I’m dying over here.”

“Stop your bitching for a second would you? There. Feel better.” A bright flash from his horn had removed all of my pain. I still had holes all over my body, but I couldn’t feel them anymore.

“That’s wonderful. Thanks.”

Shade nodded. “Least I could do. You saved my ass from a life sentence.”

“Damn! A life sentence?”

“Weed hasn’t been around for a 1,000 years. There’s a damn good reason for that. Every time a guy gets caught, they don’t let him out. Apparently it’s like poison or something. Course in truth it has a lot of healing abilities. More than I think even the Princess herself knows.”

“Oh...That makes sense. Anyway, anyone got a plan for how to get past the turrets?”

They both looked at me with surprise. Dream Cloud was the first to speak. “I thought you had a plan!”

I pulled out my flask. It was refilled again...well hell! Magic how I love you! I took a swig. “Nope. I’ve been making it up as I go along.”

“Well can’t you move em?”

Another swig. “Nope. I’m all out of magic. I’m barely able to lift my flask.”

“So what? We’re stuck here?”

Another swig. Odd. This didn’t taste exactly like my usual drink. It tasted like whiskey yes, but had a sort of apple tinge. It wasn’t exactly bad.

*I’m pretty sure we’re drinking AppleJack Daniels.*

{I think you’re right.}

“Nope. I just gotta get a plan.”

“So you’re drinking? Really?”

Shade decided to butt in right now. “Hey! I had some of my best ideas under the influence of weed. I’m not at all surprised he could get an idea while drinking.”

I stroked my chin thoughtfully. Hmm. I waved my hoof in the air. “I’m just gonna elaborate here. We are pressed down by turrets yes?” They nodded. “Turrets can not reload. Correct?”

They nodded again, looking somewhat irritated. “Turrets must be able to run out of bullets right?” They nodded, seeming to grasp my logic. “So all we have to do is make them run out bullets! Then we can walk on through.”

“So what? You want to run back and forth to make them run out of bullets?”

“Nope. I have a much better idea.” I took a final swig from my flask.

{Omega? Give me some rage would ya?}

^Are you sure?^

{Positive.}

“Alright guys. Stand back.” They both looked at me questioningly.

I felt adrenaline course through my veins. I felt like I could take on the whole damn world! However, I still had a plan.

“EVERYPONY IN THE PRISON! THE EXIT IS THIS WAY!” My voice boomed throughout the entire prison. A quiet roar began, and slowly got louder. The roar of a thousand hoofsteps. All the inmates were running towards the entrance. Right into the fire of the turrets. Body after body dropped. The turrets just kept on churnin. For a second I thought I was wrong. Perhaps the turrets were enchanted and never ran out of ammo. Maybe there wasn’t enough inmates. However, I heard both of the turrets finally click. I looked out to see one inmate left. He stared at the turrets, then let out a whoop of joy. I still had a little rage left, and this guy might’ve been a killer. I had my boundaries. I’ll break a stoner out, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let a killer out. I slammed into his back and let my horn slam through his chest. I tried shaking him off.

“Uh...guys? A little help?”

“DUDE!? YOU JUST BUCKING KILLED A PONY!” I think that was Dream Cloud. Couldn’t see through the body.

“Get him the hell off me and I’ll tell you my logic.” I felt a pair of hooves tugging the body away. Once it was free I looked up into Dream Clouds fretful eyes.

“He might have been a killer. Look. I’ll help my stoner friend break out of jail, but I draw my line at helping a murderer. He could have been a pedophile. A rapist. He could have been a mass murder. He could have killed innocent little children. Like hell is he going to get off on a free ride.” Dream Cloud’s eyes started watering.

“It’s reasons like this that are the reasons I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you.”

[Oh god. He isn’t going to-]

Soren got cut off by Dream Cloud putting his lips up against mine. My mouth gasped open in surprise. I quickly felt his tongue start exploring my mouth.

[Okay I’m not taking this bullshit. Reaper, execute plan Alpha Delta Niner.]

-Am I supposed to know what that means?-

[Execute plan Dream Cloud approached us.]

-Oh yes. That plan.-

I could barely ask what they were talking about. My thoughts were too occupied with getting Dream Cloud the hell off me to notice the flash from my horn. Suddenly Dream Cloud dropped off me. He looked at me in surprise, before spitting.

“What the hell? What the fuck was I doing?!” I’m sorry. What?

“Cloud? You alright?” He opened his mouth to answer, but instead slumped to his ground with his eyes rolled into his head.

[Oh shit. I don’t think that was supposed to happen. Reaper was that supposed to happen?]

-Didn’t happen last time I used this spell.-

{What spell? What the hell did you do to him?}

[Well...we uh...kinda...umm...]

-We brainwashed him. He should now be straight.-

*Wait. You guys attempted a brainwashing spell before we had fully recharged our magic?*

{Okay. I think we fucked something up.} I cast a look to Dream Cloud. He had started convulsing. {Okay. I’m pretty sure we fucked something up.}

[Yea. I think your right.]

“Uh Shadow? What the hay is happening to him?”

“I...truly don’t know. Help me carry him, we still have to get the hell out of here.”

With our combined simple levitation spells, we were able to gallop the hell away from the prison. I looked back, just to see what we had accomplished one last time. Out of the corner of my eye, I could’ve sworn I saw a speck of orange. When I blinked, it was no longer there. Weird. I turned back around and focused on getting the hell away. By the time the cops showed up, we were long gone.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

We got back to Shade’s bar just as the sun was coming up. Dream Cloud had stopped convulsing, but still hadn’t woken up. I was almost afraid he was dead, but I could hear a heartbeat. I turned towards Shade. He looked like shit.

“Shade. Go get some sleep.”

“What about him?”

“I have a plan.”

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, Shade nodded and slumped to the floor. I wanted to join him so badly, but I had a duty. I had to think of a plan.

[Maybe we should go into his mind. Ya know, to make sure we didn’t fuck him up too much.]

{Well I don’t have a better plan. Can we do that?}

[I dunno. Reaper, could we do that.]

-Hmm. Let me see. Yes I remember a spell that could do that. Princess Celestia herself made it. Its original purpose was to go inside Nightmare Mo- -

[I wanted to know if you could do it. I didn’t ask for the spell’s life story.]

-Well...It’s outside our range of magic. We can probably do it, but we may not be able to cast ANY magic for a few days. There’s even the possibility of us never being able to cast magic again.-

{I’ll take the risk. Put me in there. No one else. Just me.}

-Here goes.- My horn started glowing. The pain was excruciating. It felt like my blood became lava, and then froze. -Okay. Now touch your horn to his head.- I roughly stumbled over to Dream Cloud’s unconscious body, groaning all the while. I fell onto his chest, and just barely touched my horn to his head. And then everything went black.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I heard this song playing in his mind, and knew we had either done the right thing, or fucked everything up. It was all white in his mind, but there were two chairs in the middle. On one side was Dream Cloud, and on the other was...Dream Cloud? They both turned towards me.

“Yo homie! How’s it going!”

“Oh! Shadow. I didn’t see you there. You weren’t peeking in on me were you? Dirty boy.”

I’m leaning towards we fucked everything up.

“Okay umm. Well this is weird as hell.”

“Yea I know. Seeing two Dream Cloud’s. It is pretty weird isn’t it.”

“Would you like me to run the video?”

“I’ll do it Cloudie. Knowing you, it’ll be gay porn or something.”

“Really Cloud? You think I’d do that? I’m offended!”

“Hurt Cloudie?”

“...Wounded Cloud.”

Okay hold up. Is this really what is going on in my mind? Wow. I really DO have problems don’t I?

“Okay...look you two.” They both turned towards me. “I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on here. I split you into two different personalities. You two are exactly the same, except one is straight, the other is gay.”

“So we’re bisexual?” They said that at the exact same time. Okay. Even I don’t do that. This is becoming fucking ridiculous.

“Well, in a sense yes. Now luckily for you, I can help.”

“How could you help?”

“Yea what makes you an expert eh Shadow?”

“Because I have 4 other voices in my head, and three of them are alternate personalities. I am the expert on split personalities.” This made them speechless. “Also, one of those personalities is the reason you’re like this.”

“Wait. You can USE your other personalities?”

“That’s pretty badass bro. Probably doesn’t go down well with the chicks though.”

“Nah. Drove all my girlfriends away. Anyway, point is I have a few pointers. First, the straight guy needs a different name.”

“Why do I have to change my name? Why doesn’t Cloudie change his name?”

“Because...wait a second.” I stroked my metaphysical chin. “Cloud...make the color blue.”

The original Cloud tried and failed to change the white to blue. The straight Cloud did it without any trouble.

“Okay...well. Looks like the original Cloud has to change his name. He is no longer in charge of his mind. Soren really did a number on you.”

“Wait. So this straight idiot is currently in charge of my body?”

“Wait. So I can go pick up chicks? Ah hell yes!”

“So...I’m gonna leave you two to pick the original Dream Cloud’s name. I recommend Khayo.”

I am never going into anyone else’s mind ever again.