An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

-Reaper-

Day Two without magic. I was extremely hindered during sex last night.

[Hold up. Are you expecting anyone to give a damn?]

{Well. Yea. I think the readers do.}

-If you keep abusing the fourth wall like this, you may have to pay more than you thought for therapy.-

[Oh logic deserves to be fucked every now and again.]

I slowly opened my eyes. Once again, Vinyl was already up and out. The fuqs up with that? Whenever I need her she's sleepin, but whenever I don't she's up at like 6 in the fuckin morning!

[Yea! How come we never get any morning sex?]

^It's late afternoon.^

Damn. I was out. Then again I deserve some rest. I only launched an assualt on a guarded prison with only one other person. I think that gives me a few sick days. I turned over to read the note.

'Get a job.' Well, fuck that. I have better plans.

{Yo Celestia? Ya there?}

(Oh. So know you want to talk.)

{Ey! You like how big a pain I am in your ass.}

(...That seemed like a long way to go, even for you.)

[Bow chicka bow OWW! Shadow what was that for?]

*What'd i tell you about the Princess.*

[Damn your annoying.]

{Hey Dickheads! Cut the chatter. So Celestia, not to be blunt but uh...when do I get paid?}

(Oh silly me! I must have forgot to pay you! You see I've been up to my hooves in work. Apperently some idiot decided to break into the Las Pegasus Maximum Security Prison. You wouldn't happen to have heard something on that would you?)

{What? Hell I haven't even heard anything about this! When did this happen? Did any criminals escape?}

(Seems only two escaped. They were only in there for minor reasons though.)

{Oh good. Wouldn't want any mass murderers with grudges loose now would we? Anyway, bits?}

(Right of course you want to get paid. Weren't you like, a mercenary back on Earth?)

{Let's just say asskicking is one of my many talents.}

A sack of bit appeared in front of me. I gave it a tentative shake with my hooves. Ah the wonderful clink-clink of money.

(Now then. About speaking to you in private.)

{If you're to provide the transportation, I have no qualms.}

(Wonderful.)

A flash of light, and then I'm in the royal room thing.

{Shit Reaper what is this called?}

-This is the throne room.-

{Woah. Throne room. Sounds like heavy shit.}

-Y'don't say?-

The thrones were amazing! On one side, there was Celestia's. It shone of gold, and burned with the heat of the sun. On the other side was a dark obsidian throne. It radiated the cool of the night. It could only be the throne of the all powerful goddess of the night, Luna herself. Looking even more regal were the ponies in said thrones. But, not to miss a beat, I let my inner smartass take over.

"Oh wonderful. I think I've seen this one before though. Is it Snow White and the annoying ass bitch?"

A guard moved towards me. "Stay your tongue in the presence of royalty!" I'm sorry. What the fuck? I turned towards him.

"Ey buddy? Speak Equestrian for me. I can do it easily." This sent him into a fury. He ran towards me...and was given two cracks to the head. He slumped to the ground, and I stepped over him, eager to get closer to the Princesses. They both stared at me with open mouths.

"Right then Princess. Talking in private?" She quickly regained her regal composure. Damn.

"That is correct young Midnight Shadow. Please, come even closer." Okay. That sounded a little too Molestia for me. I tried to take a step back, but froze at Celestia's icy gaze. Oh shit. She can read minds. I started to turn tail and run like hell, but was picked up be my hooves.

"PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME MOLESTIA! I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!"

"Tia? Who is this? And why do you let him talk to you like that? We...I, would never let a pony say such rude things." Luna's voice broke Celestia's concentration, and I fell to the hard ground. Ah ground, you and I are becoming good friends.

"Well Luna-" I cut her off. FINALLY!

"Oh dear Princess of the Night. I am quite sorry for my disrespectfulness towards your sister. However, you must know that she deserves it. In truth, she deserves worse. Also, I am not, strictly speaking, a pony."

*Such a gentlecolt. Didn't think we could pull it off.*

"Sister? What does thee mean when thee says not a pony?" I sat back and let Celestia take this one. Sometimes, it's fun just to chill.

"He is a human. From another universe. And I do deserve a little bit of it. We didn't exactly meet on a high note." Luna nodded understandingly.

"So what's this big secret?" My curiousity was getting the better of me again.

"Well, seems like God has decided to screw with your universe again. The Rapture just happened. So there's going to be a LOT of new bronies out and around. I thought you deserved a heads-up."

"Well if that's all, I reckon I can leave."

SLAM! Damn. As if my life is ever that easy. I turned to see a very familiar orange haired pony burst through the doors. The guards outside were...incapacitated. To say the least. What caught my eye was that said criminal pony was all the way here in Canterlot. And also, how good looking she was.

"Princess Bucking Celestia, you backstabbing little bitch!" Damn! She was already earning brownie points with me. I turned to look at Celestia. She looked scared as hell. Another brownie point!

"You left me to die in that bucking prison! On an assignment given to me by YOU! If it wasn't for that jailbreak, Cthuluhoof could've been raised, and it would be YOUR fault." Wait. Cthuluhoof?

*Cthuluhoof? And raised? Okay, shitstorm incoming.*

"Look mare. I hate her as much as you do. But you said Cthuluhoof? Maybe I can help. However we should take this outside." I didn't mean to say it. And in all honesty, I didn't say it. Soren did. "Let's leave Celestia to her Playmare. I heard it's Wet Mane edition." I don't think Celestia could've gotten any whiter. The orange mare started laughing.

"Alright kid. Your cool by me. Sure, I'll tell you all about my latest adventure."

As soon as we got outside the doors, her jesting stopped. She pressed her lips against mine in a kiss. Sadly, it ended as quick as it started.

"That's a thank you for getting my flank out of that prison. The prisoners were starting to eye me in an unflattering way."

"You know it was me?"

"Course! I caught sight of you while you walked away."

"If I may ask. Why were you in there?" She sighed.

"For bullshit. Apperently, the Las Pegasus Parks Department doesn't like you peeking around caves. Even if it's to save all of Equestria." She threw her hooves in the air. It's as impressive as it sounds. "Fuck logic."

"Damn. I'm loving you more every second. But what's your name?" She tossed her mane to the side. Oh boy. Here we go. One of those bombshell names.

"You don't know me? I'm Do. As in Daring." Dayumn!

"The adventurer?" She took a bow. Damn, she was blowing my mind! Wish I knew how to do this shit. You needed wings. Note to self, get wings.

[We can get wings.]

Note to self. Learn how to do cool shit with wings.

"The one and only. At your service. And you are?"

"Midnight Shadow, bartender. Oh, and bounty hunter on the side." She arched her eyebrow.

"Your a bounty hunter. Yet you broke someone out of jail." I nodded my head.

"Aye! But if you notice, only you and my buddy got out! Everyone else died. So...I'm still doin a damn fine job! Besides, I hunt monsters and shit. I just got paid for killing three dragons." Her eyes widened.

"Three dragons! I'll bet that's quite the story!" I smiled.

"Well, I'm sure you have a few stories of your own! Maybe we could get dinner sometime? Share a few of our stories?"

"I will. For a favor." Oh boy. Here we go. "I think I'll need a companion to deal with this Cult of Cthuluhoof. I was able to delay them in Las Pegasus, but there's still a sect up north. As long as those Diamond Dogs have the Necronomicon, they can use it to raise him. We need to get that Necronomicon back where it belongs."

"In a museum." She looked at me with a surprise expression on her face.

"Exactly. And if I get a few bits in the process..." I gave her a wink.

"I got the idea. As long as I get paid and all that. So what do I gotta do? Just beat the living hay out of some Diamond Dogs while you get the book." I could only hope that's it.

"Not exactly. I need you to make a distraction." Oh fuck. Here we go again.

"Well, this should be fun. I'll meet you there."

"How will you get there?"

"I'm gonna call in a few favors."