An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

-Reaper-

I galloped through the tunnel as fast as possible. Why? Because using an RPG to make a door isn't a good idea. Said tunnel was falling apart around me at the moment. Fuck.

-I guess I should've told you this plan was stupid.-

{Well no fuck Reaper! Aren't you the super smart demon inside my head?}

-Something like that.-

*We can slow down.*

Shadow was right. We had entered a more stable section of the cave. Or actually...the ruins. I saw statues of a pony with dragon wings and tentacles at the mouth. This is it. The Temple of Cthulhoof.

*Duh da duh daaa duh da duh.*

[Shut the hell up.]

i took a look around. A giant door with symbols on the sides.

*Oh boy puzzles! Let's see. There's pyrus, ventus, aquas, and...earth.*

{Why didn't you-}

*We never learned what Earth is in Latin.*

I turned back to the door. This time, I noticed two...things on the sides. So, guess wrong is certain death. No pressure then.

{It'd be related to Cthulhoof right?}

[Well we're only in the TEMPLE OF CTHULHOOF!]

{So it would be...aquas.}

I pressed the symbol. Nothing happened.

-Shoot it with water.-

I willed a spout of water to come out of my horn. Or, I let my subconscious do it for me. It hit the symbol, and the door slowly rose into the ceiling. I half expected to hear vocalizing. I'm just gonna put it down to too much Skyrim. I walked through the door.

______________

I gazed at the floor, then back at the walls. There were holes on the walls, but nothing to trigger a trap on the floor. Everything looked EXACTLY the same! There were no references to Cthulhoof either. I was completely on my own. I looked down and found a pebble. I threw it down the hall. Half a million arrows shot out. Well, here goes nothing. I trotted backwards, then ran forwards. I leapt up as a thousand arrows shot under me, then ducked into a slide as another thousand flew past my face. I leapt over another onsault, then came down into a roll. I hopped back onto my hooves and galloped to the end of the hall.

[Let's never do that again.]

{Agreed.}

I looked at my new obstacle. Another door, with billions of symbols all over the ground.

"Fuck this." I didn't say it to anyone in particular, but it felt good. I had Reaper magic me up a plasma torch. I walked up to the door, and slowly began to cut a whole out of it. It took a few minutes, but then I was able to buck the improved door off it's non existent hinges. I looked in at my quarry.

"SHOO BE DO SHOO BE DO SHOO BE DO SHOO BE DO" What the hell?! I looked over to see a distressed Daring in a cage. She brightened up when she saw me. I quickly ran over to her.

"I can't leave you alone for a second."

"Why would you even want to?" We both laughed. I created a katana and cut open the cage. No, I did not catch her as she dropped. I got slapped to the face as soon as she was back on her hooves. Worth it.

"So...these dogs?" I motioned to the circle of Diamond Dogs. They had a star drawn in the middle of their circle, and were chanting nonsense. My eyes turned towards the dog at the top point of the star. He was holding a black book, and was the only one making sense.

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn." Okay so not making sense. Just sounding more chanty necromancy than the others.

"That book is what we need. What's the plan smartass?"

I flew over to him at high speeds and slammed into him. I grabbed the book from his claws and flew back over to Daring. "That is the plan." Her mouth dropped open. I laughed. She pointed behind me. I spun around to see...what the fuck was I seeing?

A portal had opened up behind me. And guess who poked his ugly ass head out? If you guessed Rick Astley you guessed wrong.

"Ah freedom. I've been trapped in my underwater prison for too long. A mighty thanks to you Mr. Mattingly. Why, I should've pestered my cousin to summon you milleniums ago." Okay. What the fuck is with this guy?

"I assure you, I am as sane as anyone of my position could be. It's my cousin who is surely mad. As for my appearance, I will admit it is a little weird. Dragon wings on a pony body with my squid head. I believe I will be powerful enough after I kill you and Daring Do."

"Woah buddy. Now you crossed the line. See, I don't care how you know who I truly am, but you only know one of my names. I am Uvruk Ka Shedo, dragon slayer! I am Soren, I am Midnight Shadow, I am Omega, and I am Death! Destroyer of you and all you stand in my way!" This made Cthulhoof chuckle. Bitch.

"It is so funny. A suicidal alcoholic doesn't deserve ONE of those titles, and even so I have better ones. I have a billion names, and I think you'd like to hear ALL of them." I imagined a wall over my thoughts, and no longer felt Cthulhoof in there. I let him ramble on as I did what I do best. Rig shit to blow up. Cthulhoof did not notice my horn glow as I turned all the rock above AND below us into military grade C4. Ah C4. Is there anything you can't do? I looked at Cthulhoof. Daring looked over at me.

"What's the plan? He'll be immortal within the hour."

I looked at her with that crazy glint in my eye. "No plan. Bigger guns. When I give the signal, follow me. Stay close, and run like hell." I turned back to Cthulhoof.

"Yea fucktastic. Beautiful names, all of them. But I'm leaving." My eyes were still scanning the room for an exit. AHA! A minecart! I nudged Daring and had her glance at it. She nodded her head.

"And what makes you think you can just leave?!"

"Because, I rigged this whole place to blow," I magicked a dethonator to my hooves and held it without fingers. Fuck logic. "And I'm batshit crazy." With that I grabbed Daring in one hand, and squeezed the dethonator with the other. That's when all hell broke loose.