An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

Author’s note. Yes, I know I am an asshole for doing this. You don’t have to tell me in the comments. I already know.

{Me, Dream Cloud}

[Khayo]

“WAKE UP!” Holy shit? What the fuck is going on?

[We’re at Vinyl’s. Remember?]

{Yea I fuckin remember. Why the hell is she wakin us up so damn loudly?}

“Ugh. Listen, I’m being mindfucked right now. I don’t need to be mindfucked out here too.” I lazily moved my head to look at Pon-3. “And I consider yelling being mindfucked.”

“Aww you poor little thing. Look, Shadow’s paying for you to stay here, but it costs more. So you get to clean up my apartment.” Aww FUCK!

[I actually enjoy housework.]

{Yea you probably get a fuckin boner from actin like a woman.}

[Seriously where da fuq did you come from?]

{I’m wondering how this badassness came from a gayass like you myself. Let’s ask Soren when Shadow gets back.}

[And Reaper.]

{Seriously are you SUUURE you’re not a chick?}

I looked at Vinyl, then at the floor. Time to see if I can use that charm Soren gave me.

“But if I cleaned up the floor, how would you defend yourself from a robber? Look! There’s a piece of whatever the fuck right here!” I held up a broken shard of something. Probably a bottle. Vinyl laughed at my joke.

“I think I’ll manage. Get to work. And get Shade up to. I need to know where else I can work.”

I looked around at the ground. This might take hours!

{Any ideas?}

[I’m not speaking with you.]

{Seriously? The silent treatment? Your kidding right?}

[...]

{Well, now I can do this plan then!}

I spread my wings out. Vinyl was in the next room over. Hopefully she wouldn’t hear this. I started flying in circles, and made a tiny tornado. The tornado collected all the dust and clutter, and the larger stuff (Like the couch I slept on) stayed on the ground. The tornado blew itself out and left a pile of crap in the center of the room. Well, two hours work has become one.

[Small victories.]

{Given up the silent treatment?}

[Considering the first time I left you you created a tornado, yes I have.]

{Damn. I was getting used to not hearing bitching.}

I quickly set about picking up all the clutter and throwing it away. This was going to be a long day.

SHADE’S POV

Eugh. I woke up to a very familiar mare yelling at... who was it. Dream Cloud. Eh that sounds close enough. I quietly snuck off to Pon-3’s bathroom. I didn’t need her to see me smoking a joint. As soon as I shut the door and blocked off ventilation with a towel, I used one of my favorite spells. I can’t remember the name of it, but it gives me a bottomless box to put stuff in. I think earth ponies got somethin like it. I pulled out one of my joints. Then I used my second favorite spell. A little spark came out of my horn and set the end of my joint on fire. I breathed the wonderful smoke in, and instantly forgot about all the stress. All my worries simply melted away.

BANG BANG

“SHADE YOU BETTER NOT BE SMOKING IN MY BATHROOM!” I quickly opened my box back up and threw the lit joint inside. I used levitation to throw some water on my face and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Good, no red eyes. I opened the door to look at a pissed pony. Her reflection softened when she saw me.

“Oh sorry. I thought you were smoking.”

“No worries yeh? So what do ya need?” She looked at me dubiously. Oh Celestia I hope I don’t sound stoned. The looked left as quickly as it came.

“Thanks to your addiction, I’m out of a gig. So you’re gonna help me find a club. Know of anywhere?” I stroked my chin in thought, like I had seen Shadow do.

“Ah. I think...you could probably work at...

CRASH

Vinyl spun her head to the next room over. “What the hay is Dream Cloud doing? Eugh, you might as well come too. I guess some rules are in order.”

DREAM CLOUD’S POV

Vinyl came galloping into the room. Shade was close behind her. “Dream Cloud what the...” She looked at her floor. “So THAT’s what color the carpet is!” She looked back at me. “ What did you do?”

I spread my wings out for effect. “Created a small tornado to sweep up everything. It’s twice as efficient as if I had used my hooves.” Vinyl facehoofed.

“It also could’ve harmed my equipment dumbass. Which brings me to my ultimatum.”

Oh boy. Here we go. Scott Pilgrim reference begin! “Is it one of your famous ultimatums?”

“Let it live forever in infamy.” We stared at each other for a few seconds before laughing. “I guess yer aight Cloudie.” She straightened back up, as much as a pony on all fours can. “If you are to live under my house, you must abide by my three rules. One! Don’t touch the equipment. Two! DON’T touch the equipment. Three! Does anypony want to guess?”

“Don’t piss on the floor?” She laughed again. Thank you Soren.

{Hey Khayo. Make a note to thank Soren next time we see him.}

[Duly noted.]

“Looks like you guys got it. I’m gonna be out gig hunting.” She turned to me. “Try not to burn the house down.” She walked out the door. I looked at the pile of crap still in front of me. I hope Shadow’s day is going better than this.