An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Luna^

*Midnight Shadow*

Owww. Damn how much did I drink last night?

[The flask. Entire thing. In about three seconds.]

{Well that explains that. Anyway. Let’s get up.}

I open my eyes...only to quickly shut them again.

{OWGODDAMNWHYISITSOBRIGHTAHSONOFABITCHANDISTHATABIRDIHEAR?}

[Ow. Now you’ve hurt my ears.]

{FUCKYOUHANGOVERSHURT}

And that damned bird kept fucking tweeting. I’ve seen this before. I swear I have. But I gotta kill that damned bird. I try to open my eyes. Success! I get to my...hooves.

*OMGWESTILLHASHOOVES*

{DAMMIT I STILL HAVE HANGOVER}

I look around, and finally get to see my surroundings. An alleyway. In the middle of fuckin nowhere. Hmm. Hold up...there’s that bird. I grabbed my gun with my hands...hooves...whatever. I pulled the trigger with...magic. Wait what?

[Eh it’s magic. Don’t gotta explain shit.]

{Damn straight}

The bullet tore through the bird. However the sound of the shot woke me up more.

[DAMMIT!]

{DAMMIT}

Oww. In any case I got up. At the least, I need to get out of the alley. But first i turned around to get a look at myself.

I had a black coat. Like midnight black. But my tail looked pretty damn fine. It was black yes, but it had red tipped. I then feel my forehead. Yep, I have a horn. I am a unicorn. Everything makes perfect sense now. I stopped admiring my hawt ass and moved out of the alleyway.

[Yeah. Hawt ass. Suuuuuureee.]

{Aww whatever we look damn fine. Still could always use-}

[A black fedora? I couldn’t agree more.]

{First order of business is find out where we are.}

[Fine, but second is get a black fedora. And sunglasses.]

I trotted out of the alley and looked around. Hmm that’s weird. Nothing was like it was in the show. In fact, I don’t even think I was in a place seen in the show. I saw a bustling downtown. With casinos and bars everywhere. A hotel here and there. Smokers. Yea. Definitely not Ponyville. In fact it looked more like...Vegas?

{Shit Soren! I think we’re in Vegas! And we have a hangover! Check do we have a broken tooth?!}

[Oh god. We’re gonna make the Hayngover aren’t we.]

{Well enough joking around. I think I see a place where we can shop. Check and see if we have some money.}

[What? You’re the one who’s got the the horn.]

{Yes well. I give magical powers to you. You are now the magical element of my head.}

[You just want an excuse to make me a real demon.]

{Kind of.}

^I kinda want magic powers^

*OMGWEISMAGICOMGSOAWESOME!!!!!*

{Okay. Luna will get to learn every stealth and combat spell, Soren learns everything else. Like checking if we have money.}

My horn suddenly lit up and 200 golden coins appeared in my hand. Damn I have 1,000 bits. I could get used to that. I quickly walked over to a nearby complex. Didn’t look like a club or a casino, so I guessed it was a shopping complex. As strolled through the doors my suspicions were proven. There were about twenty shops. I chose the most punk rock looking one and walked in. Surprise, ponies don’t wear clothes. So the only things in this shop were hats and sunglasses. Score.

[There! In the back corner. It looks perfect!]

{Looks kinda like a black Indiana Jones fedora}

[Yea I know. Perfect. And there’s sunglasses over there.]

{Well alright.}

I went over and picked up the hat. I looked in a mirror after placing it on my head. And noticed that my mane looked just like my tail. Damn I look good, and with the hat on? I’ll be getting laid real soon. I also noticed my cutie mark, and almost fell over laughing. It was the female sign. A circle with the arrow pointing down. Except it was black instead of pink.

[Well it is what we’re best at doing]

{Damn right. Alright let’s see hat is 10 bits, sunglasses are 2 bits. Can ya get me one of those gold bits?}

[Sure thing. Here.]

A gold bit popped into my hooves. That will never get old. I put the hat and glasses on the counter and tossed my bit across. The guy gave me back 8 bronze bits. I put the hat on and walked out of the store. There were still a few stores around here. I looked for a bookstore, thinking I could just absorb spell books like Skyrim. I found a Barnes and Magical and started walking towards it.

[Yea. Cause I’m sure that’s how it works. Just like Skyrim! Of course!]

{Eh so we might have to study. If it lets us turn invisible I don’t much care.}

[I’d rather learn how to get stuff from our world.]

{Yea okay that too. Hey what time is it?}

[I don’t know let’s check our phone.]

Hold up. What? My phone suddenly pops into existence in front of me. Rarity Don’t Hate background and everything. My iPhone 3GS is with me in Equestria. Hmm I wonder if GPS works. I press the app with my magic. It shows my current position in Las Pegasus. Damn that’s cool. I quickly put my phone away before walking through the doors to Barnes and Magical.

______________________________________________________________________________

Three hours of searching later, I have some spell books. Shadows and How to Use Them, Teleportation Simplified, Levitation for Dummies, and my personal favorite Equestrian Parties. Common sense told me to read Shadows and How to Use Them, but Soren told me to read Equestrian Parties. Needless to say, I chose Equestrian Parties first. Inside were very simple spells that showed me how to spike drinks, create cigarettes, and make music. In fact there was an entire chapter dedicated to making music. I always did like making music, and was a music producer back on Earth. They called me DJ Soarinsoren. I had a bandcamp and a website and everything. However the chapter immediately afterward was the one I was interested in. A chapter for bartending. I know what my job is!

______________________________________________________________________________

I finally found a hotel and paid a few bits for a simple room. I’d go job hunting tomorrow. I quickly skimmed Shadows and How to Use Them, and saw a spell that caught my eye. How to blend into shadows. I studied it for a bit, then turned out the lights.

{Think you can do it Luna?}

Her response was to make my horn glow real quick. I looked at my hooves and saw nothing. Damn that’s cool. With a useful spell under my hoof, and a sense of pride, I fell asleep.