An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

-Reaper-

"Hey Shadow? See those punks over there lookin at us?"

I followed Dagger's hoof down the bar. Sure enough, there were two stallions pointing and laughing at us.

"Wanna have a bit of fun?"

"Depends on the kind of fun."

"Kickin their asses."

"I'm all in."

I turned towards the duo. "Look guys could you please stop staring at my flank? I'm not interested in a three-way with you two!" I said it just loud enough that the entire bar could hear me. All eyes turned to the pair of stallions. They glared at me menancingly, but still didn't come over. Time to kick it up a notch.

[Could we not? I'm in this body too y'know.]

"Oh come on! You two love me so much you won't fight back? Awww thanks guys!" Well that's how it started. The two stallions came running up to us. I started laughing.

"Dagger? Shotgun. Non-lethal."

"Got it." A shotgun was thrust towards me. I picked it up using levitation, and turned it toward the closest of the two.

BANG!

"Well. Seems like you guys brought your fists," CHNK-CHINK! "To a gun fight." By this time, the bar was deathly quiet. The stallion I shot got back to his hooves slowly. The bullets I was firing might not be lethal, but apperently they still hurt like hell! His buddy shot daggers at me.

"Why don't you put that thing down and fight like a man." I turned to Dagger, who nodded his head.

"Well if you insist..." I teleported behind him. Before he could react, I jabbed my hoof into a notch next to his neck. He slumped to the floor. Rainbow Dagger stared at me.

"Was that a Vulcan Nerve Pinch?"

"Yep."

"That's pretty ba-" Dagger was cut off by a knife going into his neck. I looked at the attacker. It was the stallion I had shot. While taking down his buddy, I had forgotton about him. Apperently he stopped playing fair. He slid another knife out, looking towards me with a smile on his face.

"Bitch please."

*Another good one-liner from Shadow.*

SWISH! I jumped backward, dodging the knife. SWISH! I rolled, causing him to miss once again. SCHINK! I looked up to see a knife sticking out of his neck. Dagger had removed the knife from his own neck, and had repayed the stallion.

"Nice work man. They really did give you superhuman healing."

"Yea. It's like I'm Wolverine. Except I'm a badass."

I slugged him in the shoulder before hopping back on to my stool.

"Barkeep! Another round!"

"How many have we had?"

"I don't know and I don't care. I ain't gonna stop 'till I can't think right."

"Eh. Sounds good to me."

________________

Meanwhile...

{Me}

[Khayo]

"HALT!" Fuck. "State thy business." Our journey to the city was stopped by a wall surrounding said city. This gate was the only way in.

I looked at Shade, hoping he'd have an answer." He shrugged as best as he could.

"Don't look at me brony. Say tourist or something."

[Tourist. Yea I'm suuuure he'll believe that.]

"TOURIST!" To my surprise, the gate opened. A cat like person (who took after the Khajit) smiled warmly at us.

"Welcome to our tribe traveler. How may we be of service to you?"

"How much to stay the night?" The cat looked confused.

"How much? It is free."

[Thank them.]

{I'm gettin to it! Geez you're a douche.}

"Thank you. Your tribe is very hospitable."

The cat bowed, then walked away. He beckoned for us to follow. We let him lead us to a small shack. Inside were two beds, and a few odds and ends.

"I hope this is suitable?" I nodded.

Shade spoke up before the cat left. "Sir? We have been traveling for many days, and we lost our map a long time ago. Where exactly are we?"

"You are in the Feline Jungles. Our tribe has the northernmost village."

"Thank you." The cat continued to walk away. As soon as he was out of earshot, he asked the question that was on both of our minds.

"How are we going to get back to Equestria?"

"Let's sleep on it. We can find out more tomorrow"

"That sounds good. Got any problem with me lighting up in here?"

[Yes]

"Nope." I hopped into my bed and rested my head on the pillow. I hope Shadow is this comfortable.

___________

In an unknown inn next to an unknown bar...

I fell asleep with two mares in my arms. Their manes were both slightly disheveled, and they had some sticky white stuff on their face. Both of those were my fault. I pulled them close too me before drifing off to sleep.

[So touching horns IS sexual! We fucked a goddess!]

-Indeed we did Soren. Indeed we did.-

________

{What the hell? Where am I?}

"YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT! WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THE MOST WORTHLESS SON IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD!"

I watched as a young man sat there stoically, saying nothing.

-Fucktastic. THIS memory.-

My mother continued to scream at me. I wasn't able to do anything. I wasn't able to comfort myself. No matter how strange it would've been (Hi I'm future you and I'm sorry we had to go through this) I knew he needed it. It's what I was looking for back then. The details rushed back to me.

I had just graduated highschool, at age 18. I had been able to get just enough credits to pass. However, for my mother, barely wasn't good enough. Didn't matter that I had made it. What mattered was that I didn't reach her impossible standards. She has set me up to fail, and was now pissed that I did. Fuckin fantastic parenting.

-I remember this day quite well.-

{I don't.}

-That's because it's the first time I poked through. We had a helluva time.-

{Oh yea. It's kinda coming back to me.}

I watched as past me continued to take it. Almost there.

"It's probably that whore of a girlfriend you have. And cue shitstorm. My past self flipped up and smacked her across the face.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She went slackjawed. I forgot, this was the first time she heard me swear.

-I'll chalk another one up. Mother:99 Us:3-

"You've been fucking with me my whole god damn LIFE! YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT! SO I'M SORRY I'M NOT THE FUCKIN PERFECT SON! BUT I'M NOT SORRY FOR WHO I AM.  BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I ALWAYS GOT TO FUCKIN CONFORM TO YOUR SHITTY PLANS, I HAD A LITTLE FUCKIN INDIVIDUALITY! I TRIED TO BECOME A PERSON! EVEN WHEN YOU TRIED TO CRASH EVERY LAST BIT OF MY INDIVIDUALITY! WANNA KNOW WHY? SO I COULD SIT HERE TODAY AND SAY FUCK YOU!" I whooped in delight, while my past self panted. My mother continued staring at old me, like I grew a horn. Even now, it was funny. Especially because I have a horn now. Old me had drawn enough breathe for a second wind.

"Now get the FUCK out of my apartment. The deed has MY name on it now. You're on my land, and I CAN call security."

"I'm not-" I had cut her off by shoving her out the door and slamming it in her face. At this point, I wanted to brohoof my old self. Err. Brofist. Ponies hadn't come into play yet. I also wanted to hug him. The years coming would change him, and for the worse. And for some reason, I had a feeling I'd be reliving the worst of it.

-Shit. As if i wasn't already confused as hell, we're gonna do this again later?-

{Think of the poor readers! How are they supposed to follow this?

-Hell we lived it and I can't follow it. They're fucked.-

{Oh well.}

Author's note. That actually is what happened after I graduated. I couldn't remember my mom's EXACT words, so I just sorta based it off all the other times she yelled at me. By the way, by 99 I mean we can't count to it. Most tickers stop at 99. Just to make sure everpony gets the point. Also, to those wondering where my dad is during this, he abandoned me at birth. That should give you enough backstory as to why I'm so pissed now.