An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

-Reaper-

"Shadow wake up we got a situation."

"Is it a Hangover situation?"

"No."

I pulled a pillow over my head. "Then I don't know and I don't want to know."

"We're out of money. Both of us." This made me shoot up.

"Well...shit. Don't you have a job? Or something?"

"Remember? I got fired from weather patrol."

"Oh right, because of that relationship."

"So I've been wandering. And I just used my last paycheck."

"Okay well. Fuck." I hopped to my hooves, then began rousing the troops.

{Hey everyone! Wake da hell up!}

[Eugh, hangover, 'nother few minutes.]

-I'll cover for you.-

[Urge...hug...Reaper. ...friend.]

-I know buddy. Alright so ah whats up? What we doin?-

{Gettin a job. Any leads that my subconscious picked up?}

-Omega! Wake up.-

^I WILL CUT OFF YOU NIP- oh it's you Reaper. What?^

-We need a job.-

^Club we were at needs an act tonight. The scheduled DJ can't come.^

{Hot Damn! Sometimes I wonder how you guys know this stuff. C'mon.}

"I got something Dagger!"

"What?"

"The club we were at needs a DJ."

"Can you DJ?"

"Probably."

"Let's Go!" We dashed out the door, down the stairs, and out the inn. To the club!

____________

Elsewhere...

{Me}

[Khayo]

[WAKE UP!]

My eyes shot open and I flipped out of bed onto my hooves. I quickly got into a combat stance before realizing no one was around. I heard laughing in my head.

{You're a bit of an asshole.}

[But you love me anyway.]

{Actually, no. I hate you. If I could kill you, I would.}

[Y'know. Words hurt.]

{Kiss my ass.}

My ruckus aroused Shade as well.

[Ooh you aroused.]

{NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERV!}

"Wha? What's going on? What's up?"

"Nothin, just my asshole conscience fuckin with me."

"What a dick."

"So what are we gonna do today?"

"Smoke weed?"

I pondered that for a second before Khayo shook me from my thoughts.

"No, sadly we can't do that. We need to find Shadow."

"How do you say we do that?"

"We do something big."

"How big?"

"Gala big." Shade's eyes widened.

"What do you have in mind?"

"We're gonna pull off the biggest heist in Equestrian history."

Shade was stunned for a few seconds, but quickly regained the abiltiy to speak. "You humans are crazy."

"So Shadow told you about that?"

"Yea. In mythology they were always explained as crazy people that would come up with insane plans. Good to see it's true."

"Well we ain't gonna do it all at once. We need training, we need equipment, and most importantly we need a guild."

"So what's first?"

"Training. And I think I know who we can get it from."

"Where?"

In answer, I pointed to the door.

______________

LATER THAT NIGHT, AT THE CLUB.

Dagger nodded to me from the bar. We had gotten the gig. I was doing it for twice what the original DJ was doing it for, thanks to his bartering skills. He had a silver tongue, and he used it too smoothtalk his way through everything. Wonder where he learned that. No matter, time to get to work.

A crowd had gathered at the bar, and they were getting antsy. I looked at the setup. Standard double decks, with two magical records. I just had to think about a song, and I could put it into them. There was also a microphone, per my request. I had enchanted the both the records with my first two picks already. I nodded at Dagger. He hopped up, and shouted loud enough for the whole bar to hear.

"YO DJ! SPIN DAT SHIT!"

"WITH PLEASURE!"

I started one of my favorite songs. I let the song flow for a bit before grabbing the mic. I flipped up a few switches on my deck, then spoke into the mic.

"Doomsday." The bass dropped, and the crowd went mad. They started whooping and hollering, and thankfully not throwing bottles. It dawned on me that they've never heard this song before. In fact, they haven't heard any of the songs I know, which means I can do anything. Hmm...

The first song started throwing the bass hits signifing it coming to the end. I  dropped a crossfade and slid smoothly into my next song. The guitar started up, then the chanting started. I could never understand it, but the crowd nodded their heads to the beat. I guess they like the random chantings. Then the chorused started.

'Na na na na na na na na na'

The very second time it played, the crowd all started singing along. Hell, the third time even I joined in! Who said you can't get a club riled up with an old Beck song? As the song neared it's end, I enchanted the other record. I did not crossfade into it, I instead opted to crossfade into my voice. This time I let it rang out, pure, without a single distortion.

"ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!"

The crowd resonated the equivalent of a Hell Yea!

"DO YOU WANNA ROCK!"

Once again, a general consesus of hell yea.

"That's good! Because-" I cut myself by spinning the next record.

'I WANNA ROCK!' The guitar started jamming out power chords. Normally, I would be tuning by decks to keep it low and polished, but I wasn't doing a wedding gig. I was clubbing, and club music needed to be LOUD! The crowd started eating it up. Everyone was moving in some way. By the time the chorus came around, everyone was singing. I grabbed the microphone and turned it out to all of them.

"I WANNA ROCK!" 'Rock!'

"I WANNA ROCK!" 'Rock!'

"I WANT TO ROCK!" 'Rock!'

"I WANNA ROCK!" 'Rock!'

God it was beautiful. Dear reader, have you ever seen an entire crowd rocking out? It's a beautiful sight. There was one mare not dancing. Kind of familiar. Maybe I'll talk to her after the show. However, the song on now was coming to a close. I let it play out before grabbing my mic.

"Now for this next one, I'm callin up a buddy. Rainbow Dagger! Get up here ya crazy ass!"

Dagger hopped up onto his feet and came over to me. He got close enough to whisper.

"What you playin at?"

"I think you know this song."

"Is it Cats?"

"Yea."

He grinned. I pulled the mic back to my face.

"I got some bad news everypony. I'm a wanted stallion! I'm Wanted In Equestria!!"

The track started. As did me and Dagger's act.

"What do you think we should do next?"

"How 'bout we...we catapult some beehives over Ponyville."

"That's a classic, but I think we did that last month."

I sigh. "Got anything better in mind?"

"Well. We could always. Cover the river black. Y'know? Lot's of paint. Could be fun."

"I don't know. I think we can aim higher than that y'know?"

"Ohh." The beat started. "What do you have in mind?" The guitar started some simple chords.

"I think I have an idea. Yo pass me that mic." I grabbed the mic, and started doin what I was born to do. Rap.

"It starts out with a few bars

then it gets sick quick.

Will I go too far

like Pinkie on arsenic" The crowd started nodding their head.

"Don't wanna be in this Tiara clique!

She nit picks and shit

cause she a crazy bitch!"

"Stupid bitch." Surprisingly, Dagger could do that part spot on. The crowd was starting to stifle a laugh.

"Lick my peppermint guys go and give it a Twist.

I'm on a mission to get banished go and deal with it.

I don't care hell people hate me lickity split.

'Till I stick my dick in em like a self insert fanfic."

[The irony, considering our readers are reading a self insert fanfic.]

"ooh."

"Rickity rick the bed goes clickity click!

It's like I'm ridin the Styx but with no paddles and shit!

Tryin to piss Cerberus off just to get myself bit

just to proove to Trixie that I purposely did it."

"Impregnate Luna and start datin her sister!

Segway to clubs and pay sex to the stripper!

Have fun with the mane 6 and play naked twister.

Punch Blueblood's face until he's riddled with blisters!"

At this point, the crowd was laughing their asses off. Some were rolling on the ground. I heard one in particular.

"Stop...so..funny!!!"

"Only thing royal is that you're royally fucked up!

With your bling bling yea ya soiled it e-nough.

Bring your fuckin guards cause you know that you're not buff.

You are not tough, sorry hot stuff!"

"Grr. It's like I'm BDT!

A lot of the foals try to fuck with me!

It's fake ya take the same shit you said last week

Make it or break it you can kiss my black ass see"

At this point Dagger popped in with the chorus. He didn't have a voice like an angel, but he did have a voice like a Dawn Blush. Close 'nough.

"Cause I'm Wanted!

In Equestria!

Cause I flaunted!

To Celestia!

Cause I taunted!

To the best of ya!

I'm in a mess uh uh uh uh-uh uh.

I'm wanted! I'll be banished soon!

Gonna take a rest up on the moon!

And if you want it, I'll go out with a boom I'm wanted wanted uh uh uh."

I hopped back onto the mic, but started moving around. I hopped on to my two back hooves, something I was slowly getting better at, and started waving my hoof up and down.

"Call me Rarity cause my raps are well dressed.

I cause mess no stress from all that I invest.

I've been blessed transgressed mora assest.

Quit beatin your chest man it ain't a contest!"

The crowd was now going into chaos. The mix of drinks and lulz was making everyone go insane. I glanced at a few filly-foolers making out on a table. Then I saw their coltfriends watchin. Yep, I've fucked all of their brains up.

[I couldn't be more proud.]

i carried on.

"Ya ain't the best 'cause you got connections.

Rap! Is a test based on natural selections!

Stop flexin, I don't need no inspection.

My rhymes go harder than a clopper's erection."

A few faces went red in the crowd. Okay, a LOT of faces went red in the crowd. I almost chuckled.

"I don't mean to be lenient call me bit of a herder.

I kill this game just like it's 1st degree murder.

Pony swag building you could call it a girder.

I completely double the fun by simply getting absurder."

"Call me ill I be kickin it.

Nopony as sick as it.

My sonic rhyme BOOM! And nopony as sick as it!

Y'all like Granny Smith can't even hear me spit.

Stop Flim Flammin this and understand the defeicit!"

I just realized somethin. I have no idea how they're getting these references. Well they'll probably get this one.

"It's prejudice all the royal guards are white!

That's why this unicorn can never get his stuff right.

I'm a warrior shinin with his armor so bright

slaying changlings raps and eternal dark nights."

"I'm writin these bars like the letters I'm signing.

I be lettin it all out like the stars are aligning.

Takin you out with the stuff I'm assiginin.

And when I take it all that's a matter of timing."

Dagger started finishing off the song. I was exhausted. I know i was ending it early, but I didn't want to scare the ponies. Plus, I was exhausted.

"Alright ponies! I'm gonna throwdown a playlist while I rest. That last one wore me out!" I got a few more laughs. I put four good party songs on one of the records, then headed off to find that one mare I saw. Dagger gave me a pat on the back in congratulations, but I ignored him. I quickly spotted the her, still at the same table. I quickly slid beside her.

"Like the set?"

She turned towards me, surprised. When she spoke, she spoke with an elegant regality. Y'know the one. 'I'm so much better than you.'

"It was kind of pleasant. Not my genre of music. You surely got the crowd riled up didn't you."

I laughed. "Well yea! It's what I'm gettin paid for! So what do you do?"

"I'm a cellist."

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Mare. Elegance. Bowtie. Cellist.

Complete...

"Oh shit! You're Octavia!"