An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

I live! With one giant ass hangover. Owww.

[Why do you constantly drink?]

{Why do you tell me to?}

^Body operating at 50% capacity. Would you like me to perform medical services?^

{Yes. Soren while she’s doing that could you solve my food problem?}

[Fine.]

My horn flared up quickly, and immediately my hangover diminished. It didn’t completely disappear, but I didn’t feel like puking everywhere, and the lights no longer burned my poor innocent eyes. However the second time my horn lit up I completely forgot about my hangover. Because in my hooves...was a Slim Jim.

Here’s the explanation. I only had two strange addictions. Dr. Pepper, and Slim Jims. I used to go an entire day eating nothing but Slim Jims. I kept a 16 pack on me at all times because I would crave one every few hours. They were like cigarettes to me. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I actually jumped up and danced in circles when I saw one. Some addictions aren’t hard a break, but why would I break this one?

So I laid back on my bed, and ate my Slim Jim. I then checked the time. It was about 1. I had about 6 hours to dick around. Now normally I’d watch porn or My Little Pony in my leftover time, but I didn’t have any porn and watching MLP in Equestria kicked the 4th walls door down. So I did something that I hadn’t done in forever. I studied my books.

First up was Shadows and How to Use Them. This seemed to be the most useful book. However it was also the thickest. I skimmed it until I found one spell that caught my eye. A duplicate spell. I quickly read the caption underneath.

When done correctly this spell will allow oneself to make an exact copy of anything using shadows. This spell should not be used on oneself, as it may have dire consequences.

[Dire consequences eh?]

{Yes Soren. Dire consequences. As in don’t fucking do it.}

[Fine. Hey can we duplicate other people?]

{Dire fucking consequences.}

[Oh you’re no fun. How about we do something simple, like a pack of cigarettes?]

{Hmm. That reminds me.}

I had Soren get out my pack of cigarettes. I hadn’t had one in three days, and I wanted one right fucking now. I took one out and raised it to my muzzle. I was about to take out a lighter when it lit itself. Or rather, a spark from my horn lit it. I could get to this magic shit. I took a long drag of my cigarette before looking at the book again.

^Common sense dictates we should not use spells while harmful substances are being inhaled^

{When have we ever used common sense?}

^We should also not do this because it may be out of our range of magic.^

Damn. She might have a point there. Unless...

[Hey our cutiemark is what we’re good at right? And also what are of magic we can cast?]

*Yes.*

[Well since it’s a female sign, do you think that-]

{We can cast any spell that would impress a chick!}

^So you believe you can cast any useless spell?^

{Pretty much. Now clone my pack of cigarettes!}

A perfect double of my pack appeared in my other hoof. I took a peek at the name. Yep. Mareboro. How did Firewall get all of this shit right?

[Does it matter? We now have an infinite amount of cigarettes!]

{Fuckin yay. Slim Jims, Mareboros, and ponies. I don’t think afterlife gets much better than this!}

[You forgot that we look like a badass.]

I threw on my fedora. Yea I do look damn fine. I looked in a mirror. Hmm maybe I can use myself as porn.

[That is so messed up.]

{Your right. Quickly! Back to studying!}

______________________________________________________________________________

A few minutes before seven I walk into the Virgin Marey. I become a whirlwind as the afternoon crowd starts coming in. I however do not take a single sip of alcohol as I waited for the DJ from last night. Suddenly the lights die down, everyone stops bitchin about the drink they want, and a deep electro bassline comes from the stage. Synths stab into the bass, and the lights flash with it. Drums are added. Suddenly the stage comes alive! I am quickly lost to the music. The DJ is amazing! The fades are so smooth I can’t tell where the current song ends and the next one begins. However I still can’t get a good look at the DJ. I continue filling orders, but keep my eyes on the stage hoping for a glimpse. I don’t have to wait long, as the spotlights draw back to shine on her. At first I only see a white coat, but my eyes readjust to the changing light.

*OMG IT’S DJ PON-3!*

{OMG IT’S DJ PON-3!}

[OMG I WOULD TOTALLY TAP THAT!]

By the time my befuddled brain can work again, she finishes the song and goes offstage. I continue filling orders, thinking about how I could talk with her.

[You could talk about mixing techniques.]

{Or what spells she uses.}

[Perhaps where she learned?]

{If she could teach me? That would lead to more meetings.}

[Oh that’s a good one. Roll with that.]

{Yea but first we gotta talk to her.}

^She’s coming this way.^

{WAITWUT?}

I break off my internal monologue and look up. Holy shit. Vinyl Scratch is walking my way. Time almost slows down. I quickly finish off everyone else’s orders.

“Hello there bartender.”

“Lemme guess. Double shot. Irish creme and Jamaican Rum.”

“Looks like someone knows what I like.”

“Yea. I could just tell,” Truth is I have absolutely no idea how I knew that. So I’m just gonna say magic.

I slide her drink across the table. “Nice performance.”

“Ya think so?”

“Not too many complaints.”

“But you have complaints?”

Here we go. Time to use all that DJ knowledge. “Well, the lead synth seemed to be a little off beat. It didn’t perfectly match the stabs. I’m guessing off by... eh a split second?”

“...How did you notice?”

“Used to DJ myself. A long time ago, in a place far far away.”

“Can you still?”

“Naww. Well. I might be able to if someone would teach me.”

“You want lessons? You can’t just-”

“Teach music I know. You have to know rhythm, have to feel the beat.”

“You really were a DJ huh? What made you stop?”

“Not enough money, poor equipment, and another night job.”

“So... a mare?”

“...You win. Yea a dreamcrusher.”

She moved closer to me. I could smell the alcohol on her breath. “I think it’s a noble dream.”

Oh I am totally getting laid tonight. Well... I would’ve. Except Shade walked down right fucking then.

“Hey Pon-3! Nice jam baby.” Shade said. I could easily tell he was high.

“Oh... Shade.” Vinyl didn’t look very happy.

“What don’t like the person controlling your paycheck?”

[Help her you shithead!]

{How!}

[Bullshit your way through this! That’s the only thing you’re good at.]

“Hey Shade! Don’t blame her, I think I just gave her a bit too much to drink. Reaction time must be slowed a bit y’know?” Damn I am good at pulling shit out of my ass.

“Yea I guess your right. Eh Pon-3 you need someone to walk ya home?” Shade wasn’t letting up. I swear he was going to rape her.

“Actually I was gonna let-” She waved her hand towards me. I forgot to tell her my name! Facehoof.

“Midnight Shadow. Or DJ Sᴓren. Whichever you want.”

“Right. DJ Sᴓren. I was gonna let him walk me home. It is the end of his shift after all.”

Oh hell yes. I am totally getting laid tonight.

______________________________________________________________________________

2 rounds later, Vinyl’s finally out, and I’m sleeping in a bed I don’t own. Hell yes. Thank you Celestia.

(Your welcome.)

{Oh shit.}

I'm tryin to get better at cliffhangers. How's that one? :trollestia: