An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

-Reaper-

I awoke to a note next me.

Sorry, but I had to go, and you looked so cute asleep! I guess I’ll see you at the bar alright?

So much for round three. Damn. I suddenly felt my iPhone buzz. I lazily lifted it up to my eyes...USING FUCKIN MAGIC! (That’ll never get old.) I had apparently gotten a text. It was from Princess Celestia.

[Oh shit. Well what does it say?]

I hope you haven’t forgotten that all of Las Pegasus is in danger of a dragon. I have sent you the coordinates. I also sent the other brony over to them. I hope you didn’t think I was going to leave you out to dry.

I plugged the coordinates into my iPhone GPS. Shame I couldn’t fly.

-I could fix that. Go stand into those shadows.-

I saw no problem following Reaper’s instructions, so I trotted over to the shadows. Within seconds wings started forming around my body. I gave them a little shake to make sure they worked. Then I shrugged my shoulders. Again...and again...and again.

*Ey we have a situation here ya know. Ya know saving the ponies from annihilation and all that?*

{Hmm. No rest for the wicked.}

With that I started galloping towards a window. Omega threw a protective shield over me while Soren concentrated on grabbing my hat. Reaper gave me an extra boost of speed, and I broke through the window and started flying away. Reaper immediately fixed the broken window, and Soren changed my sunglasses to flight goggles.

{We are so badass.}

*Hay yes. We kick so much flank.*

[Shadow never do that again.]

*Fine. But you have  to realize that is how they swear around here.*

-He has a point Soren.-

[Wrong. He’s forgotten that we are inside Tanner’s head. We are not out there. Therefore we use Earth swears. Such as Fuck.]

-Point withdrawn. Shadow you have lost this argument.-

[Yea hear that Shadow? That’s the sound of fucking logic.]

(Every time I come into your mind I want to never come back. I came to tell you Dream Cloud will be running late. You will have to begin this fight solo.)

{Fucktastic. Now leave and never mindrape me again. That’s something only Vinyl can do.}

That comment seemed to shock her enough to leave. Whoop de fucking do.

______________________________________________________________________________

I arrived in a clearing.

{Where the hell is this dragon?}

^We should prep for the coming battle first. Permission to release?^

{In due time Omega. I want to be fully prepped before I go on a kill spree.}

^Copy that.^

{Okay. Omega perform whatever healing we learned. Anything and everything. Reaper, get rid of these wings, Soren prepare a cig so we look badass while fighting.}

[Copy that delta niner we are go for cigarette.]

My horn lit up and my wings immediately disappeared. My aches from last night went away as well.{She may not look it but Vinyl is a sexual tiger in bed.}

[Damn right. I’m still feeling that one position. Where the hell did she learn that?]

^THE DRAGON!^

I snapped out of my internal monologue. I had a cigarette in my mouth, and a fedora on my head. I heard a roar.

BOOM!!!

A fucking huge ass monstrosity slammed down in front of me. It lifted its head and let out a roar, coupled with a stream of flame. I’m pretty sure I shit myself.

[We are so totally fucked.]

The dragon reared its head back and fired flames at me. I held my cigarette out and lit it with the dragons flames.

“Thanks for the help!” Even in the face of death, I am a smartass. Flames licked my body, but I felt nothing. I noticed that I had a black shield around my body. Oh hell yes. I was perfectly content to bask in the flames, but the dragon quickly realized that wasn’t working. It then started charging me. Two black swords grew out of my hooves. I stood on my back two legs...and fell back down. The dragon was still charging me, so I rolled out of the way Solo style.

{Soren we ain’t gonna be able to fight without hands. Can you change me back?}

[Sorry, can’t do that. However we could make an aura with shadows. Same effect.]

{Do it.}

My vision shifted upward. I felt my fingers. The dragon stared at me, slightly surprised by my change in looks. “Now. It’s our turn.” All of our mind had converged into one being. I flipped my shadow swords out again. The dragon dashed at me again. I slid to the side and jumped onto its back. I threw one of my swords up into the air, and slammed them both into the back of the dragon.

“Show off.” An unfamiliar voice said. I craned my neck to get a good view of him.  He was a pegasus with a long blue mane that had grey streaks in it. He had an ocean blue coat. I couldn’t at the moment see if it was Dream Cloud, but since no one else knew of this location, or so Celestia told me.

“Well it’s about damn time. What did you fucking walk over here?”

“Yes.” I swear to god his face had distorted into a trollface. I had a feeling that bitch Celestia hanged us out to dry.

*I have lost faith in our ruler. Remind me to boop her on the nose next time we see her.*

[...You’re still a pussy Shadow.]

*Well then you should be all over me.*

{Guys quit your bitching. We have dragon ass to kick.} I slid down the dragon’s back with the swords still in its back. It screamed in pain, and blood started pouring from the wound. I took a lick. “Eh. I’ve tasted better liquor. What else ya got?”

Then something really scary happened. The wounds healed. In a second. Oh shit.

[On a scale of one to Mad Twilight, how fucked are we?]

{Over 9000!}

I only barely felt the hit. I went flying. The only thing I really noticed was that the dragon and boobs. She was a chick. The gears in my head already started turning as I fell into the cave. I already had a plan worked out. Now I just want to see how Dream Cloud handles himself.