An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

-Reaper-

"Sonuvabitch! I just can't get a goddamn break today!" Dream Cloud jumped into the tall trees. I sure as hell hope he's preparing a sneak attack.

{Uh Omega? Soren? We got trouble.}

*Our magical reserves are at 0%.*

[Sorry man but nothing is gonna happen 'till we can get our reserves back to 50%. Even then the aura won't be as strong.]

{Fuck.}

i cracked my hooves as one of the dragons reared up. I dodged out of the way as it shot hellfire onto my last position. I rolled right into the tail whip by the other dragon. Oww.

{Omega can you heal me? I think my rib is broken.}

^Affirmative.^ My horn flashes and I immediately feel better. I look at the one behind me.

"Hey bitch! That hurt like a motherfucker!" Rage burned in it's eyes. Okay. So not my best one-liner. The dragon ran towards me. I rolled to the other side and bucked the first dragon in its face. This only seemed to piss it off more. Shit. Suddenly Dream Cloud zoomed underneath the first one and bucked it in its weaker stomach. It howled in pain before swatting Dream Cloud over to me.

“Nice try.”

“Thanks. But now what the hell are we going to do?”

“FIGHT!” I hopped into the air and roundhouse kicked one of the dragons in the face. It seemed to have been dazed by my loud shouting. Hmm...

^Magical reserves at 20% and climbing.^

{Could we conjure something up?}

^Only something you know really well.^

I willed my electric guitar into existence. With a little more exertion, my old amplifier came to. After that I quickly made a cable and a pick. I slammed the cable into my guitar and switched the amp on.

“WE ARE SEX BOMB-OMB AND WE’RE HERE TO KICK YOUR ASS WITH THE POWER OF ROCK AND ROLL!” I slammed out a power chord with my amp turned up to 12. Cause 11 ain’t badass enough. I quickly pulled out a sloppy rendition of the opening song to Scott Pilgrim VS. The World.(Just for those who didn’t already get the reference.) I then felt strong enough to conjure a mic and passed it to Dream Cloud.

“What am I gonna sing?”

“Trust me. You’ll know this song.”

I then began to blast out a heavy metal rendition of the My Little Pony theme. Dream Cloud started screaming out the lyrics. The dragons were writhing around on the ground while covering their ears. However my extreme breaking of the fourth wall didn’t seem to kill them. Damn. Then something amazing happened. Two pairs of pitch black earplugs appeared in their ears. They got up, and started staring at me and Dream Cloud.

“Uh. Cloud? I think we’re kinda fucked.”

“What do we do know?”

“Um...run sounds good.” I then turned tail and started running with my tail between my legs. Literally it was stuck there. I quickly brushed it away, and it went back to being kinda poofy. Right running. I saw Dream Cloud next to me keeping pace. This is totally gonna work. This is definitely gonna work. There’s no way this isn’t gonna work.

SLAM

One of the dragons had flown ahead and was now blocking my path. Why the hell did I think that was gonna work. We were now back to square one, completely blocked by the impenetrable forest and two angry dragons.

“Shit.”

“Shit.” Dream Cloud agreed.

^Magical reserves at 100% capacity.^

[AWW HELL YEA!]

{Well it’s about fucking time.}

Dream Cloud leaned over to me. “What’s the plan?”

“No plan. Just bigger guns.” Before he could ask what that meant, I let my aura come up. With it came a little surprise from Reaper. An ACR 6.8. My favorite tool of murder.

{Hold up. Reaper...where’s the clip? Ya know the ammo?}

-I will make the ammo as we go. Just focus on pulling the trigger.-

{Sounds good.}

I lined up the nearest dragon into my sights. Pffat Pffat Pffat. I fired off 3 short bursts into its face. They all struck, and golden ichor started pouring from the dragon’s wound. This time they didn’t close up. I then turned to the other. Pffat Pffat Pffat. My bullets had little effect this time, so I decided to do this the old fashioned way. Two swords swung into my arms, and my ACR dissipated.

“Dream Cloud. Give me a boost.” He grabbed me and flew into the air. Then he threw me towards the dragon. “WOLVERINE!!!!!!” I slammed into the dragon’s head. I hacked and slashed its eyes until they were nothing more than jelly, then slid down its back with my swords plunged into its scaly skin. Finally, for the grand finale, I slid underneath the beast. My swords quickly switched to pistols, and I fired into the things weak stomach. I slid out right as the beast fell.

“Call me Dragonborn.” Dream Cloud slapped my hoof before kneeling.

“O Hail the Mighty Dragonborn!”

“Yet for the life of me I still can’t use Fus Ro Dah.” We both started laughing. I then flipped my phone out and cued up Celestia’s number.

“Hello Midnight Shadow.”

“Your dirty work is done. Next time try not to kill me.” I then clicked it off. Dream Cloud stared at me.

“What? She could’ve told me that there were three dragons and not just one.”

“Eh. I guess she does deserve it.”

We then started trotting back home to Las Pegasus.

Dream Cloud’s POV

Here’s my chance. I could hold him close against me, smell his mane, feel his coat.

“I could give you a lift.” I offered. Celestia I hope I don’t sound pushy.

“Naw. I got it covered.” Suddenly two very majestic wings popped out from his sides. He took to the skies. I did too, but for an entirely different reason. I needed to cover up my wingboner.