The Unusual Tale of a Human Thief in Equestria

The Unusual Tale of a Human Thief in Equestria

An Unlikely Hero.

Chapter 3 - Making some good impressions.

Needless to say, my morning was no less chaotic or weird than my previous day in Equestria, it all started when I woke up to a pony standing ominously by the side of my bed. Now, being the professional I am, I approached this event in a calm and collected manner.

“AAAAHHH!” Meaning I screamed like a girl and fell off the bed, I am so proud of myself sometimes, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I asked rubbing the back of my head, not even five minutes in the day and I already have a headache.

“Waking you up silly!” The intruder, who now I recognize as Pinkie Pie, answered giggling like a school girl, “But you woke up before I did anything, so I guess I’m really good at this.”

Oh god, it’s too early in the morning for this, “Well, I’m up, what do you want?” Yes, awake and pissed.

“Twilight sent me to take you to breakfast.” Pinkie explained sticking her head inside my backpack, “Oooooh, what’s this?” You know, before this day I never thought I would see a bright pink talking pony with one of my boxers on her face, funny how life turns out huh?

“It’s too early for this.” I mutter under my breath, rubbing my eyes. I just wanted one pleasant awakening in this place, is this too much to ask for? “It’s my underwear Pinkie, please put it back where you found it.”

One ‘okie dokie loki’ later I made my way to the bathroom, took a bath and returned to find Pinkie Pie wearing one of my t-shirts and the shorts I was wearing yesterday, “Can we go have breakfast now? Or do you need to mess with more of my stuff?” I asked knowing full well the last question would bring me nothing but trouble.

“Nope, I’m okay, but thanks for asking.” She asked, oblivious to the sarcasm.

As we were about to leave my eyes fell on the rifle resting on the couch just to the side, should I take it with me? I’m sure this castle is full of guards and stuff, but I can’t shake the feeling I should take it with me, just to be safe, Pinkie notices my hesitation and looks at me with a concerned expression, “Are you ok Jay-Jay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I answer her deciding to take my knife and rifle just in case, “And don’t call me Jay-Jay.”

“Did you wake him up?” said Rainbow Dash as she swooped in the room through an open window. “Pinkie, what the hay are you doing?” ‘Hay’? Seriously?

”I’m messing with Jay-Jay’s stuff!” She happily explained shaking her ass to show my shorts loosely covering it. Suddenly I’m very aware of their usual nakedness. I guess I’ll have to get used to it.

Not sure if that’s a good thing, but what am I going to do?

“Great Pinks, but we’re kinda late for breakfast, you know?”

One ‘okie dokie lokie’ later and we’re making our way through the castle’s corridors, thankfully Pinkie Pie conceded and took my clothes off, leaving them on my bed.

“So you’re going to be our bodyguard huh?” Rainbow asked me with a bit of a smirk.

“Apparently. Celestia and Luna still have something to discuss with me, so I guess I’m not really hired yet.”

“You sure you can handle it?” She asked, not mockingly but with some actual concern, “I mean, don’t get me wrong but you look a bit…” She paused a bit biting her own lip, “Lanky, I guess?”

“Oh! How could I ever take that as an insult?” I don’t think I have to tell you how much sarcasm was in that sentence.

“I didn’t mean it like that!” She quickly added, “You were pretty cool at the forest” I know a pity compliment when I see one lady, “it’s just that we get into a lot of trouble and most of it is magic stuff and you don’t look especially tough.”

She raises a valid point, anything magical would be a lot of trouble for me, to top it all off the doctor said magic has a weird effect on me, no idea what effect that is, but it looks like spells behave differently around me, but is that the good different of the bad one?

“Don’t worry about me, I’m nothing if not adaptable.”

“Yeah Dashie, humans are, like, experts at that,” Pinkie says like that was something anyone knew.

“Wait, how do you know that?” By Odin’s luscious beard how the hell does she know what humans are like?

“It’s Pinkie Pie big guy, you’ll learn not to question her.” Rainbow said completely unfazed by her friend’s impossible knowledge of humans.

And you know what? I don’t care that much, sure it’s weird and all, but something tells me that trying to understand the Pink one’s head will only cause me pain and suffering, so for now I’ll just ignore it and resume my conversation with ‘Dashie’.

“So Dashie, what kind of stuff do you get into?” I should try to get an idea of what I’m getting myself into here.

“Oh you know, the usual, chaos spirits, evil smoke kings, a bug queens that feeds on love.” I’m starting to think this isn’t such a good idea after all.

“I’m surprised, you didn’t really strike me as the hero type.” I answer trying to keep my cool about it, cant freak out in front of the people I need to protect.

“What?!” Rainbow jumps up into the air to get to eye level with me and a bit uncomfortably close to, “You’re looking at the fastest pegasus in Equestria and awesomest pony around, I can be a hero anytime I want.”

“First off,” I say pushing her face away from mine, “I’m pretty sure awesomest is not a word, and secondly if you’re really all that, then why do I have this?” I asked showing her the mark on my wrist.

“How am I supposed to know why the elements think we need a big monkey as a bodyguard?” And I’ll let that one pass, but if someone calls me a freaking monkey again, then I’m gonna punch something.

“Hey guys we’re here!” Pinkie said pointing way too excitedly at the huge table on the other side of the open door where we found ourselves.

Rainbow and Pinkie took their places with their friends and following Celestia and Luna’s lead, who were motioning me to take a seat next to them, I sat with the princesses.

“Good morning Janos, how was your sleep?” Asked Luna once I sat next to her.

“It was very nice your highness.” I politely answered, taking some bread and butter in front of me.

The table was filled with all sorts of food, It’s big enough for all eleven of us and there is still some space left, so there was food everywhere, all kinds of salad and sandwiches which I would be partaking in but every single sandwich there has freaking flowers in it, so I guess just bread, butter and some coffee will have to suffice.

I’m really missing bacon and eggs right now.

“So Janos.” Celestia began, “Might I ask why you came to breakfast armed?”

I didn’t really think this through huh? “Better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it, your majesty.”

“I’ll let this pass because of the nature of the work you’ll be performing for us.” She answered, “But in the future do note that bearing arms while a guest in a castle is not exactly considered good mannered.”

“Noted.” I said pretending to write something on a napkin and putting it in my pocket, the princess shot an angry glare that I did my best to pretend like I never saw, but Luna’s little giggle told me I at least got the favor of one of my bosses.

“So, Twilight what do you have planned for today?” Celestia asked once everyone got their plates full. Applejack was full of apples and apples related stuff, so I guess she really takes her name seriously, Pinkie got tons of cereal, there are three bowls in front of her, and I’m not talking those healthy cereals it’s the sugary kind, Fluttershy and Rarity are the modest ones, some simple salads with some toast, while Twilight and Rainbow went right for the sandwiches.

“Well, I was planning on showing Janos the city for today, then coming back for dinner and the celebration.” She answered after swallowing a rather big and, might I add, unladylike amount of food.

What’s this about a celebration?” I asked after pouring some coffee for me.

“The Summer Sun Celebration.” Celestia began, “It’s a celebration where I raise the sun on the longest day of the year.”

“It’s quite the event.” Said Rarity, “Last year it was held back home, on Ponyville.” Ponyville? Really? I’m going to live in a place called Ponyville? Someone shoot me already.

“And it was the best one in a very long time.” Celestia said, sharing a warm smile with her sister.

“Ah just realized we know nothing about our guardian here.” Applejack suddenly said. “C’mon pardner, tell us a little about yourself.”

“Not much to tell, I’m from a city called New York, grew up in an orphanage there.” That much while technically true, is just the story I feed people that don’t need to know the truth, which is everybody.

“And what did you do back in this New York?” This time, Rarity asked, having finished with her breakfast.

“Mostly odd jobs, though recently I opened a pub with a friend.” Also technically true, it’s more of a ‘disguise’ for the work we usually do.

“A pub? How lovely.” Rarity said with a smile.

“Really? Ah guessed you were some kind of guard or something.” Applejack said, “What with carrying that weird looking weapon around.”

“Oh no, I just learned how to shoot as a hobby when I got old enough.” I don’t think I need to say how much of a blatant lie that one is, “it's great stress relief.” I added once I saw the confused looks I was getting.

“If ya say so sugarcube.” The discussion was over then and there, I could tell Applejack either didn’t believe me or at the very least thought I was a bit of a nutjob, and honestly? I hope it’s the latter, better to sound like a weird guy than to sound like I’m hiding something.

“But enough about me, I still don’t know anything about the girls I’m supposed to be guarding.” I said, motioning for the side of the table where the ponies were sitting, “So tell me, Miss Rarity, what’s your particular line of work?”

“Oh, I am a fashion designer darling.” She said with eagerness, “Though I’m still not that successful.”

“A fashion designer? I did take you for an artist.” I said, earning a few chuckles from the mare.

“You’re too kind Janos, but yes I suppose I could be described as such.” The look on Applejack face tells me that modesty is not really a constant in Rarity’s life.

“If it wouldn’t be asking too much, I could use you help with a fashion emergency of sorts.” I said hoping to catch her curiosity.

“But of course darling, fashion emergencies are how I make a living after all, so tell me what ails you.”

“As I said before humans wear clothes all the time, so it turns out I don’t have anything else to wear here in Equestria…”

“And you’ll like for me to design some ensembles for you?” She asked, some sort of weird spark in her eyes, to be honest it scared me and made doubt my previous decision to go to her for assistance.

“Well, nothing too fancy… But yeah.” I answered her.

“Oh this is perfect! I never designed anything for non-ponies!” Her eyes could be on fire right now for all I know, this mare sure loves fashion, “There is so much I could do. Oh you’ll have to come and spend a day at my Boutique so we can discuss everything at detail!” I have made a grave mistake.

Images of me having to stand as a model for some Victorian era set of clothes flashes through my head causing me to shudder slightly, no idea why that went through my mind though.

“Anyway.” I said, “What about you Miss Jack.”

“Shucks sugarcube, no need to go all formal on me, just Applejack will do.” She said tipping her hat, “Ah’m just a farm pony, since the day I was born.”

“Let me guess, Apples?”

And just like that the rest of the conversation was diverted from me to them, not that I paid a whole lot of attention on it, so I just got some bits of information, what they did for a living and such, since no other opportunities like the one with Rarity arose, I just sort of allowed myself to fall back into my own musings.

Because I just stopped talking altogether, the other ponies just went on to discuss their own issues and I was left alone to think, think about all sorts of stuff, once again my head went to the only place it shouldn’t be going.

How fucked I am right now, I know that I keep telling myself to stay calm and control my feelings since just letting go of the wheel will do more harm than good, I mean, just breaking down in tears won’t accomplish anything but sometimes it takes a lot to keep it from happening.

Luckily no one noticed any moment of weakness at the table. At least I hope they didn’t.

Shortly after we were done with breakfast, and Celestia and Luna took their leave. Luna went to sleep and Celestia off to work, because apparently they take their titles seriously like that and just like everything else in this place it still doesn't make any sense to me.

Within minutes we were on our way to see the city. There must have been at least three occasions where I found myself realizing I was really not home and this one was the fourth, an entire city full of ponies, no humans to be seen, no infrastructure made with humans on mind as far as the eye could see and suddenly I was painfully reminded of just how far from home I was.

It’s funny really, almost like our minds don’t want to believe what’s happening, I’m always expecting to turn a corner and see a human there or to suddenly wake up and find that all this was just a bad dream, I guess it’s going to be awhile before I get used to all this, and honestly? I’m not sure I want to.

“Are you okay Janos?” Fluttershy nudged me in the leg with her leg to get me out of my musings.

“Huh?” I asked before registering what she was saying, “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” I reassured her, weird how the thought of getting her sad of worried over me is so uncomfortable. “I’m just realizing how far from home I really am.”

“Well, I know it looks bad now, but at least you got friends right?” She told with a warm smile on her face.

“Friends?” I asked, this time without really registering what was leaving my mouth.

“Yeah, what did you think we were?” She asked me incredulously, I couldn’t really tell whether she was mocking me or if she really couldn’t believe I didn’t see them that way. “I mean, we’re going to be stuck together like that, we might as well be friends right?”

I didn’t answer that and I guess she didn’t really want me to, more food for thought than anything else. How long has it been since I had an actual circle of friends? It’s been just me and Barry for so long now, it’s better that way, safer.

When I first got here in Canterlot it was dark and my mind was not really capable of focusing on the landscape around me so I missed a lot about this city. But now that I can see it in bright daylight, I really have to hand it to these ponies, this place is amazing. The whole city is built on the side of a mountain, a fact that I’m not sure is breathtaking or terrifying, and after a barrage of questions directed towards Twilight I came to the conclusion that ‘its magic’ is the best explanation I’ll be able to understand.

And show me the city they did, they showed all kinds of landmarks: from museums and art galleries to parks and antique stores, soon we reached our destination for lunch, a small restaurant in the busiest parts of the city, Twilight called it the Lower Districts, one of the oldest parts of the city, and a pretty busy section of it, most of the restaurants and businesses are located here, so it's where everyone ends up hanging out during the weekends and holidays.

The restaurant was not the fanciest one we seen all the day, but it was still pretty fancy, all the waiter and waitresses wore some kind of weird suit, it was just the collar and the tie nothing else, which lead me to believe that ponies considered dressing up some kind of formality, a fact prove all the more true by what Rarity told me of her job.

By the way that’s when I got my first taste of what’s like to be the only one of your kind in a place where everyone never even heard of someone like you, and it sucks, everyone I passed would stop to stare at me, either with fear or confusion. It’s really not fun.

But the restaurant staff did relatively well, they tried to keep their cool and act professionally around me, but it seems that I’m way scarier than I was led to believe since the waitress that was serving us was shaking when she delivered my menu, I tried to be as polite as I could with the poor mare but that didn’t do much good.

But that’s not the important part. The important bit were the two ponies who had been following us ever since we left the park a couple of hours ago, a green pegasus and a blue unicorn, they sucked at it too, completely obvious, well at least to me. I didn’t tell the girls anything during our trip, because I wasn’t sure they were actually following us and if they were, I didn’t want them to end up letting it slip and making them realize we were onto them.

Until we got to the restaurant. I let them get their menus, talk all they wanted and order their food, then I slowly curved forward, “Don’t look around, but we’re being followed.” Pinkie immediately started to look around but I managed to pull her back to us in time, “I said to not look around damnit.” What is the problem with this girl?

“Somepony is following us?” Rarity asked as if she didn’t understand what I was saying, “Are you sure darling?” She added after I nodded at her.

“Keep talking as if nothing happened, we don’t want them to realize we spotted them.” Slowly they began to awkwardly resume their previous conversation, something about Twilight’s participation in the celebration. "Here’s the plan, we’re going to have lunch and go on with our day as we would.” I said over their awkward conversation.

“Just let them follow us?” Twilight asked, “Don’t you think we should get help from the guards or something?”

“No, if they see us even saying hi to a guard they’ll get suspicious and bail out.”

“I thought we wanted them to stop stalking us?” Rainbow asked.

“No, they’re following us for a reason.” I explained, “I want to know why.”

“Well, you certainly are dedicated to your job, I’ll give you that darling.” Rarity said, pouring some tea for Fluttershy who is putting up the worst poker face I’ve ever seen right now, “Calm down sweetie I’m sure Janos will take care of it.”

“I’m just trying to make a good impression.” I reply with a small shrug.

“And that has nothing to do with you wanting to score a few more bits with the princess?” Applejack asked with a playful smirk. No idea what the fuck a bit is, but I’ll just assume it comes with benefits.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I replied with a smirk of my own.

“Ok, so we let them follow us. Then what?” Rainbow asked bringing the main topic back.

“Twilight will lead us back to the castle, I’ll fall to the back of the group with one of you and keep an eye on our stalkers” I began explaining my plan to them, “Then I want Twilight to go into an alley, not a shady one, that will make them suspicious, just a small shortcut that isn’t filled with ponies.”

“Then we’ll lose them?” Fluttershy asked, hoping for the best. Poor thing’s not used to this.

“You’ll leave and go back to the castle. Get to safety.” I reassured her, “I’ll stay behind and ambush them, get some answers and then meet up with you.”

“Alone? How many of them are there?” Twilight asked, a look of worry on her face.

“Two of them, a green pegasus and a blue unicorn.”

“You sure you can handle them both alone pardner?” This time it was Applejack’s turn to doubt my capabilities. “A unicorn and a pegasus together can be a lot of trouble.”

“Trust me, I can handle two shmucks.” I replied. “Especially with this baby.” I nudged my rifle to show them what I was talking about.

“You’re not going to hurt them are you?” Fluttershy asked with an expression that I couldn’t tell if it was either of concern for our stalker’s safety or because of her own shyness.

“You want the nice answer or the truth?” I asked back, her timid ‘okay’ was enough to tell she didn’t really wanted to know.

The ponies seemed to take that as proof enough that I knew what I was doing, or at least believed I knew. For the most part they behaved nicely, tried to keep going with the day as if nothing had happened and they succeeded, even if the beginning of the conversation was a tad awkward.

The two stalkers kept their distance through the whole meal, my position at the table allowed me to be able to keep watch over them while not making it too obvious that I’m watching them. A couple of minutes, around half an hour to forty five minutes to be precise, the pegasus took off and didn’t come back anymore, if it was to report to someone or something else I didn’t know, but anyway I decided to proceed as planned.

After we paid the check, Rainbow moved back to the back of the group with me and tried to make conversation so that the pony following us wouldn’t get suspicious. Smart girl, we talked about nonsense most of the time, once I began asking how her little brother ‘Joe’ was doing she actually took a second to figure out what the hell I was talking about, for a moment I forgot this wasn’t a stake out with Barry, but she did fine and played along with the nonsense, even if now I’m certain Applejack thinks I’m insane. She wouldn’t be that far from the truth though, after all that is what that little voice in my head been yelling at me since I woke up with talking colorful ponies surrounding me.

After another hour of walking we were halfway up the city, making our way to the castle, the pegasus still hadn’t returned so it was just the unicorn stalking us that I had to keep watch on, and by the way those guys are terrible at their job, I wonder how these mares didn’t notice them following us until I said something, I mean there was a time when Rarity was spending two hours shopping where they had been sitting outside while reading newspapers with eye holes on it, they are like cartoonish thugs from those old goofy batman episodes.

If they had no idea they would have to deal with me, I would feel insulted.

“He still back there?” Seriously how can I be the only one who can see this guy?

“Yes Rainbow, still following us.” I answered the fifth reiteration of that question in the past hour, we turned a corner and I noticed Twilight was doing good in leading us to the lesser traveled parts of town. “I’m going to make a move soon, next corner run to the castle with the girls.”

“What? I thought I’d help you out, rough them up a bit.” She said throwing some punches around like a boxer getting ready for the next bout.

“Absolutely not, I’m supposed to keep you safe remember?” I reminded her, even if a bit harshly, after all I can’t have this girl getting hurt and end up losing this job before it even begins, “Just leave this to the professionals kiddo.” I added patting her head lightly.

“Hey! I’m not that younger than you!” Rainbow shouted, “And I thought I told you I can take care of myself.”

“You did, I just couldn’t care less.” I replied calmly before taking my rifle with both hands and taking my place just after the next corner, “Run along now, cute little pony.”

And she did, rather angrily but she still went along with the plan, I know I shouldn’t have teased her like that but something about her is just so… Teasable I guess, if that’s even a word, doesn’t feel like one though.

Anyway, the street I stopped at was very deserted, there were no entrances to the houses to the sides, being just an alleyway, so there was little chance someone would get in my way like that, so all I had to keep watch on for unwanted visitors were the exits of the alley, the one I was covering right now and the one at the end of the path where the girls left.

It was a few moments before I heard movement from the other side of the corner, “Did they notice me?” A soft male voice came from the blind spot beyond the wall, “I hope not, the boss is going to kill me.”

I quickly turned the corner and grabbed the unicorn’s horn, pulling him back with me, once back in my ‘hiding’ spot I let go and allowed gravity to its job, the pony fell face first on the ground, I then placed the end of my rifle against his cheek, rather forcefully too, he’s gotta know I’m not joking here.

“I’m afraid he might have to stand in line for that buddy.” Love sounding cool and shit.

“Oh Celestia, you’re not going to eat me are you?” He said bringing his hooves to his face in fear. The hell? Eat him? What the fuck does he think I am?

“Then you better start talking.” I said in my best I’m a monster who is going to eat you voice. My best, not the best.

The unicorn stole a glance at something above me, and when I turned (stupidly) to look, his horn glowed with a faint blue hue and I’m caught by surprise as an invisible force pushes my rifle away, the pony I was trapping kicked my leg causing me to fall on one knee, he immediately took that chance to flee at full gallop.

“All right buddy, you asked for it.” I muttered to no one in particular before taking aim and pulling the trigger. The shot tore through his leg like it was paper, blood sprayed from the wound painting the wall next to it and the unicorn fell on his face with a cry of pain. I don’t like wasting bullets like this, but there is no way I’ll catch up to a quadruped, and with his magic I have no idea what kind of tricks he can pull on me.

But at least my stupid move wasn’t completely in vain, I could see his little winged friend had come back right on time to join the party. I turned with the rifle still ready to make sure the pegasus didn’t pull any tricks on me, but as soon I look up I feel the pain of a hoof connecting with the back of my head, my first instinct is to keep my head down, but playing it safe never got me anywhere.

I got back up just in time to see the little green blur make the turn to tackle me again, I tried to take aim again, but this one is moving way too fast for me to get a clear shot, and he’s making some twirls and spins, he saw what happened to his friend and is taking some measures against it. Smart.

He made the turn and started to make way towards me again, coming from where his hurt friend is laying down, between the buildings on the street, I took aim again, can’t let this guy keep hitting me, it’s only a matter of time until he gets lucky and gets a good hit on my head.

A second after I lift the rifle to take the shot a rainbow blur comes from the corner of my vision tackling my attacker, they hit mid-flight and both go tumbling through a window on my left. God damnit Rainbow I told you to go back to the castle!

But that is the least of my problems right now, with my view cleared I can see the unicorn leaning against a wall breathing heavily, and his horn glowing brightly.

The invisible force comes back at full strength hitting me square in the chest, it sends me flying back to the main street, I can feel my back hitting something sturdy before I slide against whatever the hard surface I hit and touch the ground with my ass.

My vision grows blurry from the impact and I can feel my body getting heavy like I’m swimming in lead or something, a few moments later I begin to shake off these effects and try to get up again, failing miserably I fall again on my knees, I can see a bunch of ponies standing around me, the noise must have attracted a crowd.

“Private hold that creature down!” A gruff voice snaps me out of my daze, as another pony tackles me to the ground. “What in Celestia’s sweet bums is that?”

“I don’t know sir, it looks like some sort of big monkey.” The younger voice of the pony pinning me down replies, monkey huh? Time to make true to my promise.

Struggling I manage to score a punch on my attacker, “He’s struggling!” The pony I’m trying to get off me cries out as I can hear more hoof steps getting closer, one of his forelegs manage to hit me in the jaw, but I kick him in the guts getting him off of me.

Quickly getting up I can see just what the hell is going on, we’re surrounded by a bunch of ponies in gold armor, the unicorn I shot is being carried away in the magical grasp of another unicorn as Rainbow and the green Pegasus are being held by pegasi guards mid-flight, she’s got some scratches and a black eye, but aside from that she looks okay.

The other guards are surrounding me, being led by an older looking earth pony, “Now listen here colt, yah better surrender and come quietly, or we can beat yer senseless and take yer just as quietly.” He said with the gruff and deep voice you expect from a stereotypical drill sergeant.

“Look, this is all just a misunderstanding.” I say throwing my hands in the air casually, maybe I can reason with this guy. “I work for the Princess, these stallions here are my suspects.”

Oh god, even his laugh is stereotypical, “Oh sure and Ah’m a pretty little princess!” He spits on the ground right next to my feet and moves forward, “Ah’m only gonna say this once colt, surrender and come quietly.”

I can’t stop myself from smirking, “You said that twice.”

I can hardly see him move, he spins around in half a second and kicks me with both hind legs at once, right in the gut taking my breath away, and not in the romantic away, for the third time today I fall to my knees, this time clutching my stomach trying not to vomit, “Fuck man, learn to take a joke.” I manage to say through the pain.

“All right. Stallions, take these ruffians away!” He orders them, earning a ‘Hoo-aah’ in response. I am soon enveloped in some sort of magical grasp and thrown inside a metal carriage with Rainbow and my green assailant.

“Nice going there professional.” She whispers at me when she lands on top on my already injured stomach.

Yeah, nice going Janos. Real nice job.

Way to make a good impression.