The Unusual Tale of a Human Thief in Equestria

An Unlikely Hero.

Chapter 4 - Negotiations and revelations.

And so I ended up in pony jail.

It’s actually pretty nice for a medieval-style dungeon, clean, no rats or vermin, and the guards treat you well, or maybe that’s because I’m a bipedal freak that creeps everyone out, I may have threatened one or two with dismemberment for calling me monkey so there’s that.

“Eye doing all right?” I asked Rainbow through the bars that separated our cells, we weren’t really arrested, just put away momentarily while they figured out why we were at each other’s throats just minutes ago, right now the unicorn I shot was being treated at some hospital and the pegasus Rainbow tackled through a window was being interrogated in another wing of the dungeons.

“Fine.” She answered, still not facing me. “No thanks to you.”

“Hey, you’re the one that came back.” I answered, “If you hadn’t gotten in my way none of this would’ve happened.”

“What?! I saved your sorry rump.” She shot back at me, “You’re the one who had the bright idea to make fun of the guard!”

Yeah, kinda dropped the ball on that one, “That doesn’t matter, next time I tell you to run don’t try to play the hero, that’s what gets you killed and me unemployed.” She just answers me with a curt ‘whatever’ before leaning on a wall, “That was a pretty cool tackle, though.” If it wasn’t so dark and had her back not been turned to me, I could swear I saw a little grin escaping her.

Our cells were barren, nothing besides a small toilet embedded into the wall and a cot on the ground where I was laying down facing the ceiling, occasionally whistling some catchy song from back home to keep me busy.

To be honest the whistling was more to keep the silence from killing me, not that I don’t like to be alone with my thoughts sometimes, in fact, I love it and I do it all the time but this was different. I had a feeling, it’s hard to describe with words but it’s kinda like a part of me was somewhere else, I could still feel it but it was distant. But the really weird part of it all was that I somehow could tell how far away it was, approximately anyway.

It was weird and I wanted it gone, still do, but whatever was causing that feeling was getting closer so decided to wait it out, see what was gonna happen and then do something about it.

“So what now?” I could tell she had calmed down a bit by her tone.

“We wait, Celestia is going to hear about this and come get us,” I said not bothering to sit up.

“We got into a fight dude,” She argued, “That’s not exactly something the princess would hear about.”

“A tall bipedal aberration used a weapon of unknown make and origin to blast a hole through a unicorn’s leg and cause him to almost bleed to death.” I answered back, “I think she’s going to hear about it.”

“And she did.” The sergeant that arrested us said as he entered the cell corridor we were in, accompanied by four alicorns, the three I already met and a new one.

The guards looking after us immediately shot into attention and Rainbow hurriedly knelt down in very awkward position for a pony, glad she doesn’t have her back to me anymore.

I just sat up crossing my feet and gave them my friendliest smile, “Princesses! Welcome to my humble cell.” I greeted them with open arms.

But they were not amused, well Celestia, Twilight, and the new princess didn’t, Luna looked quite pleased.

“Thank you, Sergeant, your presence won’t be needed anymore if you and your men could wait for us outside I would be very thankful,” Celestia said unlocking the door to our cells, she and the other two princesses entered my cell while Twilight got Rainbow.

“Your highness, he could be dangerous.” The sergeant answered.

“We are thankful for your assistance soldier, but it is no longer required.” Luna said, “If you and your stallions could follow your orders and stand guard outside, it would be very much appreciated.” A bit rude, but that’s the military for you.

The sergeant simply nodded and with a curt ‘move out’ led his men, or stallions, outside, leaving the rest of us alone in this dark and damp jail cell.

“I don’t believe we’ve met,” I said motioning for the new pink alicorn with the tri-colored mane.

“We haven’t,” She answered, “I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, though just Cadence is fine.”

I had to bite my tongue so I didn’t break out laughing, a princess whose name is literally My Love, this place is simply ridiculous.

“A pleasure.” I said getting up, “So what are we waiting for? It’s getting late and I’m hungry for dinner.” I made my way through the ponies towards the door, only to have it close on me covered by a yellow glow.

“Not so fast.” Luna using her weird magic to pull me by my shirt, “We still have some things to discuss with you.”

“Yes, we do. Rainbow Dash, your friends are waiting for you in the lobby, if you could wait for us with them…” Celestia said turning to face the pegasus.

“Ummm, yeah, sure princess.” Rainbow answered, “See you later Twilight.” And with that we were alone, a couple of moments passed as the princesses waited for Rainbow to leave, and then a couple more where we just sat there in silence.

“Rather fitting don’t you suppose?” Celestia asked me, all of a sudden, she wasn’t even looking at me, her gaze was inspecting the cell, going from the ceiling and the small window on the far wall, then down to the ground.

“What do you mean?”

“That we are having this discussion on a dungeon of course.” Luna answered me, “A man like you must have had quite the life changing discussions in rooms just like this one.”

“I bet it brings you many memories,” Cadence added.

Whoa, what are they talking about? Do they know? They can’t know, I just got here, literally the world away from everything. There is no way they know who I am.

“We know Janos,” Celestia said as if she was reading my mind. She might actually be capable of that, now that I think about it.

“About what?” I asked, feigning ignorance and putting on a neutral face.

“Do not play dumb with us Janos, you know very well what we are talking about.” Celestia said with a lot more calm than I expected, “We know all about you, Master Thief.”

Holy shit, they know. How the fuck did they find out about that?

“Well, not everything, just the important bits.” Cadence said, “But enough.”

“And how did you come across that information?” I asked them.

“We have our sources. “Luna answered with a smirk, “You didn’t think you’d be able to hide your past from us did you?”

“Sources?” I asked holding back a chuckle, “I understand you won’t tell me because that’s the way things work with you people.” I continued getting closer to the Princess until we were face to face, “But don’t feed me that bullshit like I’m one of you faithful little cannon fodder you like call soldiers and expect me to buy it, Your Highness.”

“Hey, that’s Princess Luna you’re talking to! Show some respect!” Twilight reprimanded me standing next to Luna.

“Guess what? I don’t care who you people are.” I answered staring back at her. “I’ll work for you, and I’ll do your dirty work for you.” I alternated my gaze between all the princesses in the room, looking each one in the eyes as I moved around the room going to the back wall where I could look through the window, “But to me, you are all just clients, this is a business transaction. Nothing else.”

“Formalities are not part of the job Janos, following orders on the other hand…” Celestia said before being interrupted by me.

“I’ll do whatever you need as long as I’m getting paid, well almost anything.”

“Oh? Then please tell us your terms.” She asked politely, despite being visibly pissed at my interruption.

Well, no point in pretending I’m not who I am anymore.

“Only one, I don’t get paid to kill, so don’t think I’ll be your little assassin.” I began, “I’ll do everything in my power to incapacitate, though I will take a life if it becomes absolutely necessary.”

“Glad to hear it, you would not be a very good guardian otherwise,” Luna said though it’s clear she and Celestia are the only ones actually happy to hear that.

“Princess you don’t expect him to… Well, you know.” Twilight asked.

“Sometimes we all have to do things we don’t want to Twilight.”

Celestia answered, “Janos may have to make some tough decisions in order to keep you safe.”

“And how do we know we can trust him? I mean, he is a criminal!”

“Look I’m not the most responsible guy in the world and I’m a bit

too selfish for my own good, but I never break a contract, you hire me and I’ll work for you until the job is done, that’s how this works.”

“Yes, and he has received the mark Twilight, clearly there are some redeeming qualities in this thief, otherwise he wouldn’t be chosen.”

Celestia said, backing me up, “Though I will warn you that while you’re under our employ you are not allowed to perform your usual job, Janos.”

“Hey, as long as you’re paying me, we will have no problem at all.”

“And how many bits are we talking about?” Cadence asked.

“No idea, I’m not familiar with your currency.” I answered, “I don’t

normally do this, but this time I’ll have to refer to you.” Usually, I say the price and that’s that, take it or leave it, “So how much would you say is fair?”

“What about two thousand bits per month? It’s roughly what Shining earned.” Cadence suggested to the other princesses.

“And what would that be worth in, let’s say real estate?”

“A very nice apartment on Canterlot.” Celestia answered, “In addition to the money you will be given any equipment you require, private quarters on Canterlot Castle and you’ll be staying with Twilight so food and housing will also be taken care of by us.”

Well, usually I expect more than that, but since everything else will be taken care of by the princesses and I won’t have to worry about getting a place to stay or food then I guess I can take it, besides it seems like I’ll be stuck in this job for a while so I’ll be able to save up a lot of it with little to no expenses like that.

“I guess that sounds fair enough,” I said after some consideration.

“Marvelous!” Luna said clapping her hooves in excitement, “Will you require any equipment?”

“Yes, I already have a weapon, but my rifle only has a little over a dozen bullets left and I don’t think I’ll be able to get more here.”

“So you’d like some sort of ranged weapon to replace it?” Twilight asked me, “Ponies usually use magic for that, but I think the griffons and minotaurs have something you could use.” More mythological creatures? What’s next? Dragons?

Needless to say, I was up for quite a surprise in the next few months.

“Will you be needing any armor?” Luna asked, suddenly looking very much more interested in the conversation.

“Didn’t really think about it, back home the best armor is not getting hit, so I never had much use for it.”

“You must be a very proficient fighter then,” Celestia said.

“Not really. I take it you saw what happened to the unicorn I shot?” I asked.

“We just heard about it, he’s still under operation,” Twilight answered

“Exactly, getting shot means you’re either dead or captured, regular armor doesn’t do a lot against that kind of thing, and the armor that does is too cumbersome for my sort of work, leather usually worked fine.” And just like that Twilight was even more scared of me than she already was, ok scared is too strong a word, it’s more like she was wary of me, and I get why.

But now she looks terrified, eyes wide and fixed on me, as if she was expecting to go for her neck at any second, the others seem calm, though, well Celestia and Luna does, Cadence just looks displeased.

“You wear other creature’s skin?” She asked fearfully.

I never really thought about it that way, I mean, yeah sure it’s some other animal’s skin but you never really think about what it is that you’re wearing. It's just clothing.

Now I feel kind of bad about it.

“Ok look, we eat meat and stuff, all right? Not my fault I was born a predator.” That’s really supposed to make her feel better huh? Now the poor girl will think you’re one lunch away from making her the next meal.

“What Janos is trying to say Twilight is that his people do things a bit different from us, in his world the only animals with intelligence like ours are humans.” Celestia calmed her with a much more sensible explanation.

“How do you know so much about my world?” I asked her with some small suspicion.

“I did say that sometimes a human would pass through the veil didn’t I?” She answered, “You are hardly the first and I doubt you shall be the last.”

“Must have slipped my mind,” I muttered, making a mental note to ask about my predecessors later.

“I still don’t like it,” Twilight said.

“Twilight…” Whatever Celestia had to say, however, was cut-off by Twilight.

“I’m sorry princess but I still don’t understand why he has to be involved!” She argued, “There are plenty of soldiers on the guard that would be just as capable as him!”

“Janos, would you please excuse us for a moment?” Celestia politely asked guiding Twilight out of the cell and through the door to the next room, the rest followed soon after, leaving me once again alone in my cozy cell.

Which meant I could finally address a little problem that had arisen.

“So Rainbow, what do you think of our discussion so far?” I asked, once I was sure the princesses were out of earshot.

After some seconds of hesitation Rainbow’s little head squeezed through the bars on the window sporting the cutest pout I have ever seen, “How did you know I was here?”

“You’re a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane. You kinda stick out.” I had noticed her a couple of minutes ago, but since no one else seemed to notice I decided to not say anything and wait to confront her about it.

“Whatever.” She answered obviously annoyed, “Are you really a thief?” She asked squinting her eyes in suspicion.

“Master Thief.”

“Same thing.”

“A common thief robs a convenience store or picks a pocket on a busy street.” I explained, “A Master Thief my dear, robs the most secure of vaults, I rob the rich and powerful blind and they never see me coming.”

“That supposed to impress me?” She asked.

“No, I just don’t like it when people compare me to a simple mugger.”

“Then why are you taking this job? It doesn’t sound like what you usually do.” She asked me after staring at me for a few seconds.

“Because I’m broke,” I answered her instantly. “I have no money or home in this world, and everything here is alien and strange to me, this job is perfect. Supposedly good pay, I get a roof over my head and even though Celestia surely has her own little plans for me, it’s still a hell of a lot better than going on my own.”

“Besides, these days I’m more of a mercenary anyway, Master Thief just sounds cooler.” I quickly added.

“Well, I can respect that.” She answered with a short laugh.

She hadn’t even finished saying that when we heard the distinct clicking sound of the cell wing door being opened coming from behind me, “You should probably be going now.” I said pointing to the door with my thumb.

Rainbow looked startled for a bit before shaking it off and removing her head from the window. Well, attempted to.

“Oh no.” She says as the realization that squeezing through prison bars is a hell of a lot easier than squeezing out of them settles in.

Whatever was being discussed between the four royal ponies died instantly once they saw the disembodied head of Rainbow Dash peeking through the bars of the prison cell, “Hehe, hey there Princess, how’s it going?” Rainbow said sheepishly.

“Rainbow Dash.” Celestia simply said with just the exact amount of disappointment dripping from her voice to make anyone’s heartbreak, not me, though, disappointing people is kind of my game. “How much did you hear?”

“Umm, you know, a lot.” The pegasus answered, not bearing to meet Celestia’s disappointing stare with her own. “I’m kinda stuck here, can somepony help me out?” For a couple seconds it seemed as if they had all decided to keep her there for a couple more minutes as punishment for eavesdropping, but Twilight came forward and with a flash of her horn Rainbow disappeared in a flash of purple only to reappear a fraction of a second later by my side in another bright flash.

Magic man continues to scare me to this day.

“It seems we have no choice but to involve her as well,” Luna commented once the pegasus had materialized in the cell.

“Yes, it appears to be that way.” Celestia agreed, “Very well then, Rainbow Dash, you are hereby prohibited from discussing whatever you heard this night with anyone but the ponies and human involved.”

“You mean, except the girls right?” Rainbow asked knowing full well what the answer was.

“Especially with the other bearers,” Luna answered.

“But I can’t lie to them, they’re my best friends.” The pegasus argued.

“I don’t like it any more than you Rainbow, but they’re right,” Twilight answered, sinking in her own shoulders.

“Janos can’t protect them if they don’t trust him Rainbow,” Celestia explained.

“With good reason,” Rainbow muttered under her breath, Celestia just smiled at her in a way a mother would to a child that just doesn’t know any better, a condescending smile, just the kind I hate, reminds me too much of the way the caretaker at the orphanage would smile at me when I was caught stealing candy.

“I would not ask this of you, my little ponies, if I did not think it was absolutely necessary,” Celestia said sweetly, draping a wing over Twilight and Rainbow and guiding them out of the cell, seems like we are finally leaving this blasted place. “And please, do give Janos a chance, you may find that redeeming him would be much easier than Discord.”

“No offense Princess.” I said, “But sexier girls than you have tried to change me, and none of them succeeded.”

Whatever reaction I was expecting from the sun princess, it was not the one I got.

She stopped walking halfway to the door to the lobby, turned around slowly and stood proudly before me with her chest puffed out and an expression that told me I just fucked myself good. Then she changed, the death stare was replaced by a seductive smirk and a more relaxed position.

“They might have been more alluring to your eyes dear.” She moved towards me slowly until we were face to face, then she slowly approached my ear speaking just loud enough for me but too quietly for the ponies behind her, “But I can assure you none were as experienced and capable as me.” She finished by flashing me a seductive smirk and a quick wink, leaving with a certain sway of the hips, rendering me unable to look away, not because I felt attracted to her mind you, it was just so bizarre that I couldn't take my eyes off it.

Luna soon caught up to me and standing by my side let out a small chuckle at my perplexed and dumbstruck expression, “Hope you learned your lesson.”

I was only capable of anything after all of them had left. “Oh hell no.” was all I manage to say to myself after my little moment of weakness, “I'm not even getting near that.”

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We met with the rest of the girls outside and they immediately surrounded Rainbow Dash, all very concerned for her friend’s well-being, they relaxed when they saw she was all right though Applejack and Rarity were furious that Rainbow did something so stupid. Heh, I remember when I did something stupid in a job like, I don’t know, the time I lost an eye, no one would surround me and make sure I was ok, they would throw me a first aid kit and proceed to make fun me in any and every way conceivable.

Guess humans and ponies are just different like that. Or maybe I just had shitty friends.

Anyway, the princess then moved on to explain what happened to the ponies that were following us, the green pegasus whose name I learned was Sunny Days had been apprehended, at first they just assumed I was some sort of crazy monster terrorizing the citizens so they only needed him to provide context as to what the hell was going on, once the princesses confirmed I was indeed working for them, or about to be working for them, they started interrogating the poor stallion, they would let me know as soon as they knew what was going on. The unicorn was still unconscious in a hospital bed, but he was also in for a surprise once he woke up.

A couple of hours later the celebration was begun, as the newly appointed protector of the bearers, I watched the whole thing from behind the curtains, well metaphorical curtains since the whole thing was held on the outside.

There’s not a lot to say about it. It was very impressive to see a couple ponies supposedly move heavenly bodies with magic, I’m still not convinced they can actually do it, though, it could be just a ploy to earn the loyalty of the people by making themselves look like gods, but that’s not my place to say, quite frankly I don’t care what they raise or don’t raise as long as I get paid.

Afterwards we were escorted back to the train station by Princess Luna who took that opportunity to explain more about my job.

“There is the obvious task of protecting the bearers of course, but your duties will be more diverse than that.” Luna explained, “As mercenary working for the royal court you shall also oversee and advise the undercover guards already stationed in Ponyville that are charged with watching over the girls.”

“Wait, you already have people watching over them? Where the fuck were those guys when we were risking our necks on those woods?” I demanded, quite pissed that I almost got killed because a bunch of useless ponies wasn't doing their jobs.

“Coordinating the defense of Ponyville from behind the curtains.” She answered, “The bearers had to do their jobs without being distracted, besides our disappearance and the chaos that followed when the Everfree got out of control left plenty of our forces in disarray.”

“They are not very good guards then huh?”

“Equestria has been in peace for a thousand years now, our soldiers don’t have the same motivation or need to be as capable as before, a fact that displeases me greatly.” By her expression, I would say ‘displease’ is too kind of a word. “But that is precisely why we need you to shape them up.”

“Protect the mares, train the guards and oversee them, anything else?” I asked.

“Yes, you will also act as an Agent of the Crown on certain matters we feel would be more fitted for a human than a pony to handle, we have one such assignment ready, but it can wait until you have acquainted yourself with Ponyville and your new role.”

“That’s not exactly what I signed up for Princess.”

“You’ll be paid extra for those.”

“But I can live with it.”

“I thought you would.” She said with a smirk, “Another thing,” She opened a small saddlebag on her side and took a couple of papers and a small badge out, “These papers are the documents declaring that you are allowed to take residence and to work within our borders as well as recognizing you as a foreign mercenary working for the Crown, do take care of them.” She handed me the papers with magic, which I proceeded to carefully store in my backpack. “And this badge is the final proof of your employment, any armed forces inside and outside Equestria will recognize you as an Agent of The Crown if you present it to them.”

The badge consisted of a small copper shield emblazoned with a small circle in the center. One-half of the circle was gold and the other silver while the background had the materials reversed, it was very simple but still, manage to look very official, I also placed it in my backpack.

“Rarity has offered her services in providing you with clothes and such, we offered to cover all expenses but she insisted on doing it for free.” The princess finished.

Rarity, having heard her name being spoken, quickly stepped up, “It is my pleasure darling, always happy to lend a hoof to a friend.”

“Thanks.” I answered, “Is that all?” I asked the princess as we reached the train.

“Yes, expect word on your first assignment, should you choose to accept it, within the next month.” She said, “I do look forward to working with you Janos.”

She motioned towards the train, absolutely empty seeing as how it was the first hours of the day, the ponies entered with me right behind and soon we were on our way to Ponyville.

Most of the ponies fell asleep with the first hour of the trip back to Ponyville, Pinkie Pie insisted on sleeping on my lap because it was comfy, which kept me from finding a decent position to sleep, at least she backed down about the belly rubs.

Anyway, pretty soon I got fed up and decided to get some fresh air, carefully removing the pink mass of happy from my lap I made my way to that little space between the cars of the trains, no idea what it is called.

I got there and managed to relax a bit, the cool wind hitting my face was very therapeutically as always. The events of the day playing over and over again in my head, the pain from where I got kicked still tormenting me, and I checked, by the way, there were two big hoof marks on my stomach.

But my so needed alone time didn’t last long, soon Twilight joined me, at first we didn’t say much besides a ‘hey’, we just stayed in silence, watching as the sun slowly rose on the horizon.

“You know,” Twilight eventually broke the silence, “I’ve been thinking, and I think I judged you too harshly back there.”

“Really?” I asked, only vaguely interested in her.

“Well, I just think you are a better person than I thought, that’s all.” She answered, “So I’m sorry for that.”

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, you were being smart.” I said, turning to meet her face to face, “I’m not a good man Twilight, I’ve done very bad things and I’ve hurt good people for money, true I did my share of good too, but that doesn’t excuse the bad.”

“I’m not saying you’re perfect Janos, just that you’re not as bad as I judged you, you might have a bad job, but still, you did risk your life to save the Tree of Harmony and Equestria.”

“I only did that because it was my only lead at finding a way back home.”

“Fair enough, but you also risked your life to save me when we first met, you didn’t even hesitate and you didn’t even know I was intelligent.” She argued, “You thought I was just some little kid’s pet! Somepony who does something like that clearly has some good in them.”

“You don’t know me Twilight.” I said, turning to face the sunrise again, “Don’t pretend to.”

“True.” She turned away and opened the door to back to the private car, “But I’m hoping we’ll be able to change that.”

She left me to myself then, but I didn’t stay there for long, soon I went back inside, and finally got some well-deserved sleep.

So this is how it all begun, a new job, a new world, a new chapter in my life. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t at least a little bit excited to see what would happen next. But mostly, I just wanted a really strong drink.

Author's Note

Its funny, the both times I made a blog post about how I was going to be late, some free time ends up showing up out of the blue and I manage to release the next chapter earlier than expected.