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Chapter 1: First We Gonna Rock (Especially Maud)
After a hard day of parting and hating on the white man, the black gay man, the police, the politicians, the ghetto, the high life, other rappers, Ja Rule, white wimmen, Drake, black women, Americans, Rick Ross, and candy-canes, professional rapper DMX decided he would settle in for his hard day of work.
“Yo, bitch nigga dogs, I gonna sleep!” Dog Master Extreme called out to the hounds of the world. When he finished his sentence, a pretty much literal ocean of pit bulls fell upon a vacant lot and stacked up on top of each other to form a fully functioning apartment building complete with cable television and toilet facilities. Before some fool came stepping up on his crib and tried to start a beef, DMX went inside, went up to his room, and went to sleep.
He woke up the next day and felt like the X-Man of the Dark but noticed that when he looked down, expecting to see the obvious muscular form chiseled from ebony that he always was, he instead saw a squishy white marshmallow-y horse body where his Dark Man X body should be and that he was not with his dogs.
He was inside a white horse carcass, again. DMX made a mental note to give a fine whooping to the Colombians who were responsible for this situation the first time, and then he went on to try and take off the costume. However, as much as he pulled at the lovely white fur and grabbed at the purple mane on his head, he made no progress. That was when he looked into an astoundingly decorated mirror and saw that he was the horse carcass.
When his jaw dropped, so did the horse's in the mirror, and so DMX was left with the only reasonable conclusion.
“Aw shit, I’m a cracka horse!” But instead of being a little punk, he almost immediately got over it. “A’ight, I’mma roll with this.”
And so Dog Master X inside the body of the pony walked on out of his bedroom, down a flight of stairs, and got mad pissed at coming upon a dining room with a lil’ white unicorn, a pink adult unicorn, and a white pony in a stupid hat.
“Well good morning dear, we were waiting for you all morning to come down and eat some of Sweetie’s cooking, dontcha know?”
DMX then looked at the table of food that was as burnt as Lil’ Wayne, and was not having any part of it. “Nah man, I ain’t eating none of that bitch nigga shit.”
“B-But I worked hard on it . . . “ Said that little unicorn filly.
“Aw shit, sorry son. But why your lil’ nigga ass slaving over a hot stove? That’s what broads is for.”
“Goodness gracious! Rarity, are you feeling okay? You’re usually so kind.” The mother pointed out.
“Nah bitch, I ain’t feeling okay, not as long as the murda po-lice is still around.”
“Honey, I know you’re an adult now but watch your language, okey dokey?” The father said.
“Nigga, you talking to me? Because I know your punk nigga ass ain’t talking to me.” DMX then turned to Sweetie Belle “Yo, lil’ nigga, lets go hit the streets.”
“Really? Okay!” She said, delighted to spend more time with her more colorful mouthed sister.
So then DMX kicked the hinges off the door and waltzed on outside with Sweetie Belle following, leaving behind two very concerned parents. They would not be the only two by the end of the day to be upset over the sudden explosion of language in their otherwise delightful world.
Author's Note
Yeah, I figured pit-bull hotels would be a good way to start off one of the few DMX stories on this site.
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Chapter 2: Bring Your Whole Crew (Which is just Sweetie Belle)
DMX adapted to his new unicorn form really well, and began to appreciate always having a shank on hand in case some other crew comes stepping up on his newfound turf.
“Um, Rarity, what’s a nigguh?” Sweetie asked DMX, recalling the conversation that occurred in the dining room.
“Now I know your lil’ bitch cracka ass did not just say that!” DMX said, puffing his chest out at Sweetie and nearly knocking her over.
“I’m sorry!” She cried out. “It’s just you were saying that all the time back home. I was just curious!”
DMX then backed off and showed a little respeck to his lil’ companion. “A’ight, I’mma let it slide, but you ain’t ever gonna say that around, ya heard?”
Sweetie Belle nodded and the two continued walking about.
“Listen, don’t say that and we cool, a’ight? That’s all yo’ lil’ ass need to know.”
“Alright!” Sweetie Belle then stopped dead in her tracks and let out a groan. “Oh great.”
“What’s the hold up lil’ nigga?”
“Remember that bully I told you about? Diamond Tiara? She’s right there across the street.” Sweetie pointed out the pink filly munching on a fresh apple fiendishly. “Let’s just go the other way.”
DMX drew upon his years of wisdom gained from the penitentiary and being a sick OG, and offered sound advice. “Nah nigga, we gonna squash this beef right here.” He then looked across both ways of the street and luckily saw no sign of any black and whites. “Follow my lead lil’ nigga.”
So DMX and Sweetie Belle walked across the street right up to Diamond Tiara, much to Sweetie’s chagrin. When they arrived, Diamond Tiara looked back to see her worst fear: An adult accompanied by one of her classmates.
“I can explain.” Diamond Tiara began, setting the apple aside. “Sweetie, I didn’t mean it when I poured glue over your project. I just thought it could’ve been improved!”
“Oh, well that’s ok-”
Sweetie’s acceptance of Diamond Tiara’s apology was abruptly cut off when DMX smashed Diamond in the face with a very powerful right-hoof. “Nah bitch, you done fucked up! X gon’ give it to ya, now!” He then proceeded to start stomping on the little filly. “Come on lil’ nigga, jump in!”
At first Sweetie was appalled by the actions, but then remembered she didn’t like Diamond Tiara and so she joined in the beating as well. Not long after they left Diamond Tiara blue and bruised, a siren started blaring nearby.
“A’ight, let’s bounce, nigga!” DMX shouted to Sweetie as he ran the heck away. Sweetie followed briefly, but then looked back and decided to help Diamond Tiara despite having beat her only moments before. With the siren fast approaching, DMX was not about to turn back and was soon out of sight.
As Sweetie tried to help a reluctant Diamond Tiara up, the siren deafened her ears before being cut off abruptly and followed by an equally annoying sound.
“Hiya! What’s with all the sad faces?” Exclaimed a pink pony who was carrying around an absurd contraption with all sorts of bells and whistles on it.
“Pinkie! You have to help, Rarity just beat up Diamond Tiara!”
“Really? Why would Rarity do that?”
Sweetie was reluctant but knew that Pinkie was a pony she could trust. “Well, me and her were squashing a beef.”
“Oh, sounds fun! Although if it’s dangerous then you guys really shouldn’t do that.”
“Pinkie, please!” Sweetie gestured to the unconscious filly.
“Oh, sure! Besides, I gotta play my new instrument for the ponies at the hospital anyways! Oh, I’m just so sure they’re going to love it!” And so together they dragged an unconscious Diamond Tiara to the local hospital.
Author's Note
DMX has the innate ability to blend in with the shadows. This is how he attained the moniker of Dark Man X.
Chapter 3: Where the Hood At?
DMX busted through the doors of the first place he saw with glass windows which usually meant a liquor store. With a name like Sugarcube Corner, he could only assume one of two things of the building and hoped that horses liked beer over the other option. So he walks up to the counter and the stout proprietor notices the familiar face.
“Oh, Rarity, lovely to see you dear. What can I get for you?”
“A’ight bitch nigga, get me a bottle of Jeremiah Weed.”
The pony’s mouth hung open for a moment at the terrifying language from such an unlikely source. “Bitch what?! Rarity, what’s gotten into you?”
“Sobriety, nigga! Now shut yo’ bitch ass up and get me my drink!”
The pony then crossed her front legs and shook her head. “No. Not until you act like a decent pony. If you are thirsty you are free to visit your friend Applejack. Maybe she will have more patience for your talk.”
So DMX picked up a nearby chair, cracked it over the pony’s head and raided the register, as DMX is one to do. He then left the building and immediately headed to where ever this Applejack pony was, guided only by his sheer knowledge of any dealer of alcoholic beverages that comes with living on the streets.
Where he was led was just a bunch more garbage that he was not willing to put up with, as he came up to a stupid tree farm with those red and green things that hippies eat. So now he was starting to think that bitch nigga horse back at Sugarcube Corner was probably talking about a tree. So he went up to a nearby orange pony who was kicking at the trees.
“Yo! You know a nigga named Applejack?”
The pony then turned around and was startled by who said that phrase. “Rarity? What in tarnation are you going on about?” She then went up to DMX. “I’m Applejack! You been conked on the head or somethin’?”
“My bad, good to see you my nigga.” DMX then forcibly wrapped a hoove around Applejack’s and pulled applejack into a one-hooved hug/handshake and broke it off quickly before it turned gay. “So I got a beef with the bitch-ass nigga at Sugarcube Corner, and she ain’t gonna give me no more liquor, you feel me?”
“Well Rarity, I mean this as a friend, but you can come off as a little high and mighty at times and that can put folks off. But don’t worry, I got some cider you can buy from me until you get things settled.”
“Now that’s my nigga!” DMX slapped one of Applejack’s hooves in appreciation.
“Well shoot, you seem to be a lot more on the kind side.” Applejack smiled at the new Rarity and led her over to the nearby barn. Once inside, Applejack pointed out the many barrels stacked, all filled with delicious golden apple cider.
DMX looked upon the big pile of cider barrels and then turned to Applejack. “A’ight, this’ll get me through the day.” And then he shoved all the coins he had at Applejack and piggybacked a barrel. “I’ll be back for the rest every half hour or so.”
Applejack was dumbstruck at this proposition. “Pardon? Rarity, now I know my stuff is alright for the kids but you oughtta know that it ain’t kids stuff. There’s about fifteen barrels here!”
“That ain’t a problem. I’mma still be back, a’ight?”
Applejack took off her hat briefely to scratch at her head in confusion as DMX left the barn. “Alright then?”
Author's Note
For the small price of a forty of King Kobra malt liquor, you too can fuel your DMX for a few minutes at a time.
But seriously, don't drink and drive, kids. In fact, if you're a kid just don't drive. And don't drink too!
Chapter 4: Sucka For Love
The blonde furred pegasus Fluttershy was having a very lovely day prancing about the local meadow with her little bunny friend Angel. At first, it started with chasing him down to give him a bath, but as the chase went on she couldn’t help but feel a certain unusual joy at the thrill of her pursuit, and eventually gave up on it altogether.
Then DMX turned up and saw Fluttershy and was like “Damn, this chick is hot!” And so he went up to the general field where she was skipping about. Fluttershy took quick notice of DMX and stopped in her tracks near her dear friend.
“Oh, hello Rarity. Today’s a good day, isn’t it?” Fluttershy said, in the usual calm voice that hardly fit with her rambunctious behavior earlier.
“Yeah, I feel ya girl. I gotta say, you lookin’ fine yourself, girl!” DMX said, waving a hoof towards Fluttershy.
She was flustered at this, as it’s not often that she gets compliments from her more fashion savvy friend. “Oh, thank you. Although I’m sure I’m a mess, I’ve just been playing with Angel all morning.”
“Angel? Girl, you can have a lot more fun with me instead of having that piece of trash bringin’ you down.”
As with all her animal friends, Fluttershy was quite defensive of Angel Bunny. “Well, I don’t know. Angel and I have been together for a long time and he is really wonderful once you get to know him.”
“I ain’t trying to deceive you girl, I’m speakin’ the truth. You gotta lose that nigga, you heard?”
While she would never consider the implications of what Rarity meant by this, the seductive tones of the master romancer DMX were oddly compelling and she began to succumb to the terrible feels.
“Oh, Rarity, I’m sorry, I’m,” She took a look into the eyes of her friend and felt herself getting seduced towards DMX’s intentions. His powers were cut short, though, when she shunned his gaze and looked away. “I’m sorry, I need to go!” And took a running start before flying off back to her cottage to contemplate these unresolved feelings.
“Man, bitches be nuts.” DMX said, declaring the most obvious and universal truth of all.
DMX was about to walk away before he came up on a little white bunny looking at him with a look of contempt and tapping its foot on the ground.
“Wait a sec, you Angel?”
The bunny replied by intensifying its stare.
DMX recalled a terrifying memory from his time on the Japanese poison gas island known as Usagi Island which roughly translates to ~~Poison Gas~~ Bunny Island. There, he was totally jumped by a thousand bunnies.
“A’ight nigga, chill, chill, I ain’t gonna move in on your girl, you can have the bitch.” And so DMX totally wussed out and walked away.
Author's Note
I hope I'm not the first one to ship Fluttershy with professional rapper DMX.
Five of the elements of friendship, ~~earth~~ loyalty, ~~wind~~ honesty, ~~water~~ kindness, ~~fire~~ magic, and ~~heart~~ laughter, all arrived in Twilight’s new castle to discuss the pressing issue one friend who was not acting like herself.
“Alright girls,” Announced Twilight Sparkle, “So what is the big problem? Why are we all here?”
Applejack stepped forward to begin. “Well first thing’s first is that she cleaned out all my cider barrels. I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to drink up my entire stock!”
Fluttershy followed suit “She said some very confusing things to me and now I can’t stop thinking about very scary stuff. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
Pinkie Pie hopped into the fray. “Aaand she ‘squashed a beef’ with Diamond Tiara which at first I was like ‘Oh, yay, they played this super new game that I can take and spread everywhere just like that time when everypony was playing faceball’ but no! It turns out she just beat up a little kid!”
Twilight then turned to Rainbow Dash. “And you?”
“She drank up all of Applejack’s cider and now I don’t get a glass! Let’s just beat her up and knock some sense into her.”
Twilight held a hoof up to Rainbow’s lips. “No Dash, we’re not going to do that again. It didn’t work last time and it won’t work this time. I’m going to write a letter to princess Celestia and ask her for advice, plain and simple.”
Twilight quickly got to work drafting up her composition of explaining the situation in as fine hoofmanship as she could manage. Applejack, meanwhile, was pressed for time.
“Sugarcube, I get that Celestia probably has seen everything in Equestria but this is really strange. Rarity’s been using these messed up words I’ve never heard before so I don’t think even Celestia might get it. Even if she does know what the problem is, we’ll have wasted so much time on this that we might not even be able to find Rarity.”
Regardless, Twilight poofed the finished letter away. “Oh come on, Princess Celestia’s not that-” immediately a scroll bearing the princess’ seal poofed back. “slow? Holy moly that was quick!” She unraveled the scroll and read it out loud. “Ahem, ‘Dear Princess Sparkle, please for the love of your friendship should you not beat up your friend. We have learned that this doesn’t work as we tried it the first time a pony was possessed. By the way, your friend is possessed. The last time we had this problem was with a little filly, back before there was a Nightmare Moon, who was possessed by the spirit of Ray Charles, but nopony noticed because nothing was different until she started playing the piano surprisingly well. It did not go over well, at the time we were not ready for the idea of such a musician. To fix this, what you want to do is just dump as much salt over her as you can find, and this is guaranteed to work. We don’t know why, it just does.
P.S. Luna says ‘Hi, you mentioned something about a beef? Don’t be starting nothing, trust me. As ~~Machinegun Mare~~ a concerned citizen, I can tell you it doesn’t work out.’
Best Wishes, Princess Celestia’” Twilight set the note aside and looked at her equally confused friends.
“Salt? That’s it? Well shoot, what are we all standing around for? Let’s get ’er!”
DMX was in a field daintily skipping about and picking flowers. Oh, wait, no he isn’t because he doesn’t wear pumps and tie his shirt up into a bra. No, instead he’s sitting on a porch scouting out the local female population and sipping the remnants of a forty-ounce bottle of cider he filled up for such an occasion.
Then, out of nowhere, an assortment of five ponies, two of which he met before, started stepping up on his street. But, being the man of the dark that he is, he was not frightened in the least. Seeing Applejack alongside them didn’t hurt either.
“Yo, whassup my nigga!” He said, getting off of the porch and bringing in a brief hug with Applejack. “Whats with the posse, we gon’ stomp some fools?”
Applejack looked nervously at her friends and then turned to Twilight. “Uh, Twi, do we really gotta do this? I mean, she seems better than usual, at least by a tad.”
Twilight placed a hoof on Applejack’s shoulder. “We need to get Rarity back.”
Applejack sighed and looked back to DMX. “I’m sorry, new Rarity.” And then with her hoof she threw a hoof-full of rock salt at DMX. His skin was stable yet from his pores poured out a turgid violet ichor that seemingly rose into the air like a pungent perfume.
“The hell you doin’ nigga?” Professional rapper DMX shouted before taking notice of his wavering consciousness. “Oh shit! It’s a crack attack! Nah bitch, nah!”
And so the other ponies joined in, tossing as much salt as they managed to bring at DMX until he was ankle deep in sodium chloride. Soon, the vapors stopped flowing leaving behind the shell of Rarity. With the situation seemingly resolved, the ponies ceased their assault. No pun intended.
“Is it over?” Dash asked, only to meet with the equally confused faces of her friends.
“No it is not over!” Shouted the white unicorn as she stood from the pile of salt. “Just take a look at my mane! My conditioner does not do well when exposed to salt, you ruffians!”
Applejack smacked her face and lowered her head. “Well she’s back, and now I need that cider more than ever.”
DMX awoke from the darkest slumber he ever had and did a quick check over himself. Six pack abs? Check. 24 inch pythons? Check. Disdain for just about everything in society? Checkarooni! But just to confirm he walked over to the nearby mirror made entirely of pit-bulls and checked his reflection in the teeth of one particularly large dog. He was indeed the DMX he always knew he was.
“A’ight, I’mma roll with this.”
The End, suckas.
Author's Note
I just realized this whole story was basically Quantum Leap but with DMX instead of Sam Beckett. That's cool!
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Bonus Chapter: A DMX Holiday feat. Dog Welder
Snow was falling all over Equestria as Hearts Warming Eve began to draw near. Or it may have already been way past Hearts Warming Eve, I dunno. Point is, DMX found his way back into Equestria because nopony and nobody was going to get in the path of Dark Man X. After all, to do so would earn only a petty death as all he did was construct a fifty foot deep and twenty foot wide hole in the ground filled to the brim with dogs of all shapes and sizes. The largest ones were on the bottom and when hungry they need only look up and open their mouths to get a neat snackarooni.
Dog Master Extreme looked upon his creation as it came to its conclusion and nodded in appreciation. “That’s right my niggas, that’s what I’m talking about!” He knew that after the chaos settled the only dog left standing would be worthy of joining the Ruff Rydas, and he knew it would be a pit bull because only a pit bull could survive such an onslaught. I mean, sure, there was that gigantic wolf named Sif, or something dumb like that, but it wouldn’t stand a chance to sick pit-bull katas!
But his crime of constructing a massive dog pit where they may engage in only their nature of violence and fluffiness did not go unnoticed. He was assaulted from the side by a man wearing a welder’s mask and carrying a large gas tank on his back.
“DMX, you devil, I have found your evil and now I shall stop you before you can murder all these poor defenseless dogs!” And so the man pulled out a little husky puppy and held it by the scruff of its neck.
“Bark bark!” It yipped, translating into “I’m cute, love me!”
But DMX was not dissuaded. “Nigga, you trippin, that ain’t no fight dog!”
The man then waved a free finger and then pulled out a blow torch in his formerly free hand. “That is right, these dogs cannot defend themselves, but I can. So I am going to spot weld this puppy to your face! This will be the last festivus you have ever ruined, DMX!”
“Why nigga, why?”
“Because I’m the Dog Welder!” And so the Dog Welder jumped on DMX and he held the blow torch and the little husky puppy dangerously close to the face of one DMX.
DMX tried to fight him off but the light coming off of the blowtorch negated his innate ability to manifest the dark, as Dark Man X is known to do. This forced him to look around to try and find some other way of defending until he saw the ponies that banished him a while ago just a small distance away.
“Yo, bitch niggas, help!”
Rarity stood forth and spoke “No thank you darling, I’d prefer not to mess up my mane.” She accentuated her remark by poofing up her lovely styled aforementioned mane.
Applejack, meanwhile, shoved Rarity into some garbage and ran over to DMX. “Ah got ya, new Rarity!” At his side, she bucked Dog Welder straight off of DMX and right into the pit of dogs.
“No, not a pit full of dogs! My one weakness!” He shouted, trying desperately yet futilely to weld the faces of each dog to another dog, before getting just totally eaten alive.
DMX got back up like nothing ever happened, because basically nothing even did. People get jumped, it happens. He was still thankful and full of liquor and holiday spirit. “Yo, thanks my nigga.”
“Don’t mention it, partner. The moment I heard that voice, I knew you were new Rarity.”
“Ah shit, and you dat Applejack nigga!” Applejack and DMX then smacked hoof-to-hand and pulled it in, breaking it off before it turned weird.
And that was how DMX learned the true meaning of friendship and the spirit of the Hearts Warming Eve. One of these things may or may not be true.
Author's Note
Dog Welder is a legitimate superhero featured in the Hitman comic series.
Happy Holidays, ya'll!
