"-so the duck walks up to the surgeon and says, 'I may be a talking duck but your the real Quack here, medical-man!"

"... Meh, six outta ten," Nightmare says.

"Well I kinda expected that. Hmm... Oh, I gotta juicy one! Alright, so a guy and his pet monkey walk into a bar, he orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar eating people's food. Then he jumps onto the pool table and swallows the billiard ball, the bartender talks to the man and says 'Did your monkey just swallow my whole cue ball!?' the man says 'I'm sorry, the little bastard eats anything he can get his mouth around. I'll pay for the damages.' so the man pays and leaves the bar. Around two weeks after that incident he and his monkey come back, he orders a drink and the monkey starts running around again. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on one of the tables, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted and says 'Did you see what your monkey just did!?' The man smirks and says 'Yeah, he still eats everything in sight but ever since the he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first," It took Nightmare a few moments to get the joke but when she did a smile slowly formed on her face, sadly it wasn't enough to break her into a fit of laughter.

"Eight outta ten, good but there are better jokes out there." Nightmare said.

Anon crosses his arms and pouted. "Your a tough cookie, Nightmare."

Anon blacked out and awoke in his tent, he crawled out and was met with the beautiful crack of dawn. "Man, this world is pure eye candy..."

'Guuurgle' (Yo, Anon this is your gut, I'm fuckin' hungry!)

"Alright you sack of acids, I'm getting something," Anon grabbed his supply of snacks and found a cupcake with a note in the wrapper.

To Anny,

I'm reeeealy really sorry for giving you a mental breakdown, so to make it up to you I made you one of my super duper yummylicious cupcakes!

XOXO, your future boss and hopefully friend, Pinkie Pie.

"Huh, guess Fruitcake wasn't so bad after all... Wonder how it tastes," Anon took a bite and slowly chewed his gift, he swallowed and simply stared at his confection. "It's the best damn cupcake I've ever eaten..." Anon packed up the tent and snuffed the campfire, then grabbed the side handle of his new loot and followed the trail back to Ponyville eating at the treat as he walked.

When Anon arrived at Ponyville the streets were near empty, he shrugged his shoulders and took the normal route back to Fluttershy's place with the chest of shiny-shiny in tow. He unlocked the door with the spare key she gave him and was greeted with silence, but this was normal considering whose roof he lived under.

"Oh, Anon! Where were you last night?"

"Hey Flutters, just went on a little heist," Anon could physically sense her tense up upon hearing he word 'heist', and he could feel her tense up even further when she saw the large ancient treasure chest. "Relax Flutters, I didn't steal this stuff. I just looted from an old dragon's den to find some treasure," Anon unlocked the chest and showed Fluttershy the valuables hidden inside. "and boy was I not disappointed!"

"U-um, so A-anon Um, I was j-just wondering if-"

"Uh-huh?" Anon was distracted by the enticing Blood Diamond he was gawking at.

"Well, if it's not t-too much trouble for you-"

"Yeah?"

"W-well, I was just gonna ask if... Well... A-a-anon... w-will you, um rut me?... U-unless you don't want to of course-!"

"Yeah, sure Flutters." Anon was paying little to no attention, he was too distracted by the shiny dark-red diamond.

"R-really!? I've never had a stallion willing to help me during estrus season... I'm really honored." So Fluttershy climbed up and laid on his lap like a cat not really sure how to approach this, prompting Anon to scratch the back of her ear on instinct. As soon as Anon started his scratching Fluttershy's eyes bugged out for a brief moment and she slowly went cross-eyed, her eye lids drooped with one going lower than the other and a stupid grin started growing on her face, she even started to involuntarily purr like a cat which wasn't even possible for ponies to do! Anon spent a good portion of his day simply looking through his loot like the new toy that your mom got you but you were not allowed to open until you got home, you just look at it for the pleasure of looking at it. Fluttershy dosed off at some point snoring softly in Anon's lap as he continued his scratching and petting, eventually he ran out of things to gawk at so he placed her on the couch and locked the chest back up and proceeded outside.

"HI ANON!!"

"....." Anon slowly closed the door, locking it with the key and the little chain lock. The entire mare population of Ponyville was at Fluttershy's doorstep and they had their rape faces ready, from the pin-prick eyes to the creepy smiles. Anon wasn't quite sure why they were here until something peculiar hit his nostrils, a familiar scent... Then it all came back to him, back on his father's ranch in Ohio his father had work horses and this scent hit every year. "They're in heat, I can smell the piss from here."

"You humans can smell estrus?"

"No we can't, but the urine they release when in heat is a different story, and there is a loooot of it." Anon knew they would eventually get antsy if ignored for too long so he had to board up the house while he had the opportunity, but seconds later he realized that he also had to deal with unicorn magic and ceased the pointless endeavor. He took some leather straps and some duct tape and with a little human creativity turned his treasure chest into a backpack, it wasn't as heavy as you'd imagine but heavy nonetheless. He strapped it to his back, then used the leftover leather to make a belt to protect his genitals. "Alright, now for a game plan." He could try his luck and run like hell but that would most likely be suicide, and with his backpack he couldn't sneak away. He was cornered, no where to run and-

"Alright ladies, he must have sneaked out the back, he's probably gone by now." Groans and curses filled the air and he heard the sound of hooves walking away.

"Wait Twilight, what if he's still inside?"

"Even if he was still inside he's only one stallion, there are probably bigger groups we can ambush with less hassle, we'll come back for him later. Besides, he's in Fluttershy's house, he'll have to come out at some point..."

Anon's heart sank, he was stuck in a house that held a literal example of 'It's always the quiet ones' but with rape!... "The quiet ones, that's it!"

Anon ran up to Fluttershy's room and stuck his hand under the bed, then pulled out a sword-sized purple dildo like the one from Saints Row: The Third. He gave it a few test swings and nodded to himself, however he always knew you could never be too well armed so he grabbed a frying pan and tied it to his belt. "Alright, let's do this."

Anon kicked the door open and ran out with all his speed, when he looked back he saw a mare knocked out with a bloody nose. She got a face full of door and was probably an ambush set by Twilight. "So they really did leave... But leaving only one guard? I honestly expected more from you, Twilight." A hoof placed itself on Anon's shoulder, a big, white hoof with a golden slipper. Anon's sword was ripped from his hand by a golden magical aura and his captor started breathing down his neck.

"Gotcha."

Anon lightly chuckled to himself. "So, Twilight already brought out the big guns... Before you take me away, answer a question that's been bugging me."

"What is your question, Anon?"

"How do you like your eggs?"

Before she could speak Anon pulled out his frying pan and spun around while swinging, a notable 'dong' sound made itself known as he smashed her face, with the spin's added force combined with the normal force she fell to her side completely unconscious.

"Cause I like mine sunny-side-up, Ahahahahaha!" After Anon tea-bagged her unconscious form he grabbed his dick-sword and made his way straight for the hornet's nest, Ponyville.

"I would like to thank all of you for attending this meeting, specifically about the human who continues to evade out attempt at capture. Here's what we know on the subject-" A black board levitated to Twilight showing a rough sketch of a human. "-Through my constant nocturnal surveying of this amazing creature I've deducted on how it's survived in it's home world. There are three things that make human's superior to every other animal on the planet. The first skill comes from it's strong legs which are capable of holding it upright without the necessity of a tail, these muscular limbs alone help it run almost as fast as Applejack, that fact by itself is impressive considering it only has half the amount of leg power. Further study has provided that the legs are actually stronger than the arms, which gives it very powerful kicking strength but because of it's fleshy feet it can't kick rough things or else it may injure itself."

"So if we take out the legs it can't move?"

"Exactly, the legs are a double-edged sword, they are a weakness and a strength! Next is the second trait, it's natural curiosity. Humans, like it's primate cousins, are curious by nature and that curiosity makes them very adaptable to different environments. That very curiosity, by Anon's words, even led to the discovery of electricity as a power source without the assistance of magic! This curiosity can be a survival skill since humans can make almost anything into a weapon with the assistance of their famous opposable thumbs, not to mention they've combined weapons to form even better weapons."

"C'mon, they can't make anything into a weapon," Rainbow exclaimed.

"Oh, but they can and, if needed, they will. As previously reported by our aerial surveyors Anon has used a door, a frying pan, and of all things a dildo to take down our ambush trap and Celestia in a span of two minutes. Now you look me in the eye and tell me he can't use anything to make a weapon, I dare you!"

'shatter!'

"What was that?"

"C'moooon Anny, lemme go! I can make you feel really good if you do!"

"Sorry Fruit-cake, but I don't dip my stick in crazy, now open wide." Anon poured a whole bag of sugar down Pinkie's gullet, she began to violently shake as her eyes went feral, drool started to drip from her mouth and her eye twitched now and again. Anon sketched up a quick hand with a pointed middle finger and taped it to Pinkie's rope binds. Anon then reached into her mess of a mane and pulled out a small party themed cannon and shoved her into it tail first. "For being such a helpful little pony, I'll make sure you go off with a bang."

"I'LL RUT YOU TILL YOU CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT, MONKEY-MAN!!"

"Yeah yeah, do me a favor and tell your mare friends they've been cock-blocked by yours truly." Anon shoved his last croissant into Pinkie's foaming mouth and pulled the string on the cannon, she rocketed into the sky shooting through the window of Twilight's house. For a brief moment nothing happened, until the windows shattered with raw batter bursting out of them along with a few unconscious ponies. After the initial explosion of cookie batter the waves started to recede and trail out up to Anon's socks in height, slowly carrying Pinkie back toward Anon with her bubbly demeanor back on her face where it belongs.

"Who ho! That was fun! Let's do it again, Anny!"

"Your not rape-happy anymore?"

"Hmmm... Nope, I'm cleaned out!"

"I see, well I could use somebody to watch my back. Pinkie, for the time being I'm gonna need your help." Pinkie saluted to Anon and pulled out a rubber chicken, giving it a few test swings.

"Say no more, Anny. I owe you after that 'big bang' you gave me!"

Anon nodded and picked her up, slinging her over his shoulder where she landed on his backpack. "Anon, are you positive we can trust this one?"

"Relax Nightmare, what's the worst that can happen?"

Author's Note

Hey readers, I'm back from my break from writing! Now I will admit that it was waaay longer than I had hoped it would be but writing is like cooking, if you rush it, it will be terrible and will leave a bad taste in your mouth. This chapter was, like my break, longer than previously expected so there will be multiple parts, but there will be a little surprise for you later on...

P.S. I'm gonna have some fun writing a heat fic, but no human shall suffer the fowl acts of rape while I'm at the pilot's seat!