DMX and Applejack, the Annotated Series!

DMX, or Earl Simmons, as the police reports would have you believe, is an enigmatic figure with unreasonable and great powers that no person may genuinely understand. Even the greatest scholars of our time can never truly understand the actual abilities of professional rapper DMX. But if there’s one thing that’s known, it’s that his upbringing in New York did not give him the wonderful ability of literacy.

On one fine noon, Applejack had taken a break from her usual work at the ushering of DMX. Dog Master Extreme had called upon the dogs of the world to construct a porch, to which the dogs happily did, as DMX has the little known ability of dominion over the entire canine species. Together, the two sat on the porch and chilled as they sipped at some sort of vile concoction DMX made in the outhouse yesterday. DMX partook in the activity as well, so she was led to believe it was safe enough, but . . .

“Well shoot, you sure a skunk didn’t get in this?”

“Nigga, I can turn shit to gold, you just gotta give it a couple days. This batch is just to wet your lips, you hear?” DMX said through pruno stained teeth.

Applejack continued to take in the foul liquid at a slow pace, coughing every now and then. “Well, you might want to get some learning on how to help make it better. My friend Twilight should be able to help you, she’s got books on all sorts of stuff.”

“Nigga, what’s a book know about prison life? All them bitch ass things know is what crotchety white niggas be writing in them.”

“Well, she also knows magic.”

“Shit, you tryin' to play me, nigga? Man, everybody knows magic ain’t real!”

“Pardon, but we are sitting on a porch that is actually made out of dogs. I think even Winona is here somewhere!”

And like that, as if on cue, a distinct “Woof, woof!” could be heard from the porch. “Now I may not know how you did that, but I’d say it’s pretty magical.”

So DMX pounded the rest of the liquor he had in his jar, dropped it, and got up from his furry seat. “A’ight, I hear ya. So where’s this Twilight fool at?”

“Big tree in the center of town. She lives right inside it. While you’re there, would y'all kindly say ‘Hi’ for me?”

“I hear ya, I hear ya. Seeya fool.” DMX brought Applejack in a half hug and cut it off before it turned uncomfortable, then quickly set foot after foot towards the biggest tree he could find in Ponyville.

Twilight Sparkle closed her notebook and set it aside.

“Finally! I knew it all along! Trixie is Batman! Now I can go back to my other project.”

Twilight then got up and went over to a massive corkboard hung against the wall that was covered in an assortment of pictures, pins, strings, and various jargon in her ultimate search for a greater truth.

"If I could only figure out who Trixie is... hmm." She stared at the corkboard, her mind lost in deep contemplation, until it finally hit her...

“Oh well, I'll think of it later. Now, who is this Machinegun Mare?”

She had spent a great deal of hours putting together what information she could get and conducting her own investigation, yet all her efforts may as well have been fruitless because she didn’t feel she was any closer at all. The futility of her search at times brought her to great anger. This was one of those times.

Twilight bashed a hoof at the board, and many of the photos and notes snowed around her .

“What does it all mean!? Who are you Machinegun Mare!?”

Her eyes then glanced over at a tauntingly decisive and clear photo of the Machinegun Mare smiling at a camera. The well groomed darkened blue fur, the hair that was translucent yet retained a hue of azure, and the crown on her head all signified that she had access to the resources of royalty, and so she was likely a thief. Thus, like all thieves, she needed to be stopped.

She then spotted another photo, this one of Princess Luna. It helped to quell the rage. Seeing her indigo coat that was evident of her princessly upbringing, the mane that reminded her of the flowing navy pigmented universe, and the symbol of royalty atop her head all served to comfort her that she needed to remain cool in this tense situation she placed herself in. But there was something bizarre about both of these select photos.

Twilight lifted up the Machinegun Mare and Luna pictures with her magic and looked at them side-by-side.

“Of course! Everything is so much clearer now!” Twilight smiled like a schoolfilly and slapped the photos back on the board, this time next to one-another.

“How could I have been so stupid? It all makes absolute perfect sense!”

It seemed that Twilight had found the only possible conclusion to her desperate struggle.

“Princess Luna can help me search for Machinegun Mare!”

. . . Well, she wasn’t wrong. But soon after she reached her conclusion, a brash knocking came at the door.

“Huh, who could that be?” Twilight wondered, knowing nopony was usually willing to contact her when she was in a frazzled state of mind. Regardless, Twilight went to the door in a few moments, opened it up, and her eyes widened to see the face of the angriest man she will ever see.

“Oh, you’re Applejack’s new friend. Why are you here?”

“Yo bitch, I got some shit to do, I’mma need to look at your books, a’ight?”

“Um...” Twilight was rather apprehensive at the idea of letting this person handle her books, but decided that there wasn’t anything too bad that could happen. “Sure, come in.” She then stepped aside and let DMX inside.

DMX took a look at the walls filled with tomes of arcane knowledge and shook his head. “I’mma need a book on brewing, you got it?”

“I have books on just about everything!” Twilight said, looking under the B section. Unlike most librarians, who make use of the Dewey Decimal system, Twilight makes fine use of the alphabetic style of bookkeeping due to an incident that is forever locked in her juvenile records. “So what do you need to know about brewing for?”

“Bitch nigga, I didn’t ask you to run up on my business, I just asked for a book!”

Twilight then stopped her search and turned to DMX. “Look, I’m going to help you, but could you at least say please?”

“A’ight, please a nigga then.”

Twilight thought on this for a moment, could not understand it, but accepted that at least he had indeed said please. “Okay.” After going through the greater B section, though, she had to turn to him in a rather disappointed way with only one rather large book. “I’m sorry, I only have the special edition version in point four type.” She magic-ed the book over to DMX.

A gentle knocking was heard at the door as DMX looked over a few pages in the book. “Come in!” called out Twilight.

The door opened and there entered Fluttershy, the shy pony that has the fantastic ability to flutter. “Uh, hello Twilight, Angel has been having some problems lately and I was wondering if I could borrow a book. The vet said it wasn’t big, but it had to do with something that started with a ‘C.’ Co-pro something.” Fluttershy then took one look at DMX and backed into a corner of the room without another word.

Twilight noticed this, and simply waved her hoof at it. “Don’t worry, Fluttershy, he’s not going to hurt anypony.”

After Twilight said that, DMX threw the book against a wall with such force that it exploded into a pile of paper. “Nigga, I can’t read this!”

“MY PRECIOUS ANTIQUE BOOK!” cried Twilight as she lunged at the mangled pages and cover on the floor. “How could you? It was exactly what you wanted!”

“Nigga, I can’t read that kinda book!”

“I knew his kind couldn’t do it.” Fluttershy muttered under her breath.

“Get out, you, you,” Twilight tried to yell out, stammering with fury.

“Nigga?”

Twilight didn’t even bother with a response. She simply shoved them both out the door with her magic and slammed it on them.

“Shit, it’s just like the group home all over again.” DMX mused to himself.