Bad Stories For Bad People

Rainbow Dash sighed. It sucked being stuck in a forced vacation. Her boss said she had worked far too long, and she needed to have several weeks off to make up for the time. She had so many unused sick days and vacation weeks.

She looked out into the horizon. She wanted to explore the world. She wanted some adventure, some excitement, something. Anything but boredom.

“Uhh, I need to go on a holiday.”

Suddenly, her face lit up. A holiday! Just what she needed. She flew out the front door of her house, and made a beeline for Twilight’s.

She smashed through the window, earning an annoyed grunt from her friend.

“Dash! Why can’t you use the door, like anypony else?” Twilight grumbled.

“No time for that, Twi! I gotta go on holiday!” Dash excitedly said.

“What?! Why?!”

“Beee, cause, I’m bored!”

“Rainbow Dash!”

“C’mon Twi, suggest anywhere! I gotta get away from this place!” Dash said, in an over dramatic manner.

“Umm,” she hummed, as she spun her globe around.

She pressed her hoof down and yelled, “Here!”

She removed her hoof and read the name of the island getaway.

“...Australia?”

“Wow! That’s an exotic name!”

“Rainbow, I’ve heard that this is a very dangerous place, with a very large count of extremely venomous snakes, and very large spiders. Including the Huntsmen, which is a harmless, but terrifying spider, and the Sydney Funnel-Web, which is extremely dangerou…”

“Yeah, yeah, egghead! I don’t need a lecture. I’m too awesome to get bitten! I’ll be fine!”

“Okay then, well, if the animals and the dangers don’t bother you, then I wish you a happy holiday!”

“All right! Thanks, Twi! Can you tell everypony I’m on holiday? I’m gonna miss my flight!”

And with that, she took to the skies.

After eighteen hours of travel, Rainbow Dash set hoof on the hard, bitumen road. She wandered towards the large, glass building. There were two large words painted on the side. She squinted, as the bright sun reflecting on the glass almost blinded her.

“Hmm, what does that say…” she mumbled to herself, trying to pronounce the words.

“Mel-born Airport! Awesome, I’m here!”

“Oi, ya fuckin’ pony cunt!” a gruff voice called.

She looked over and saw the source of the voice. A rather large human, in a bright, fluorescent yellow shirt, stared back at her. He took a large sip from a can marked “VB”, and took a long puff of his cigarette.

“It’s fucking pronounced ‘Mel-bin’, ya dim cunt!”

“Sorry, sir! What is your name?” she asked, timidly.

“Ha! Fuck off, ya shitcunt.”

“Fine, geez! Don’t be helpful.”

Rainbow flew away from him. What a mean guy! He really needs an attitude adjustment, she thought.

She was sweating.

“Dear Celestia, it’s hot here!”

She decided to touch down in a backyard. She looked around. Suddenly, a little red ball struck her right between the eyes.

Her vision was blurred. She saw a small child, running towards her. He picked up the ball. Suddenly, to Rainbow Dash’s annoyance, he started yelling to his friend.

“Oi Sammy, ya cunt! That’s a fuckin’ six, for sure!”

She heard the friend’s reply.

“Fuck me cunt, did I hit the fuckin’ bird thing?”

“Yeah cunt, looks like ya fuckin’ killed it.”

“Shit, cunt. She’ll be right.”

Rainbow rose to her hooves, to the surprise of the children.

“Hey, is there... anywhere I can get an ice pack?” she winced.

“Oh fuck, that fuckin’ thing is alive!”

“Shit, cunt! Fuckin’ get your bat, we gotta fuckin kill it!”

“No! Please, don’t hurt me!”

“Nah, not you, ya fuckwit. There’s a fucking huntsman on your fuckin’ wing!”

She looked at her wing, and noticed a FUCKING HUGE FUCKING SPIDER ON HER FUCKING WING HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

She started flapping her wing.

“Oh Celestia gettit off me!” she panicked.

Suddenly, a hard, wooden bat slammed onto her wing. She screamed in pain.

“Fuck me, you dim cunt. You missed the fuckin’ spider!”

Rainbow Dash was writhing in pain, when suddenly, another sharp pain bolted through her wing. She squealed, and started crying.

“There, Sam, you fuckin’ shithead. I fuckin’ killed it!”

“Shit, cunt, the fuckin’ horsie is havin’ a whinge!”

Suddenly, a large man ran outside, and noticed the animal writhing in pain.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you little cunts! What the fuck did you do this time?”

Rainbow Dash passed out.

She awoke on a leather couch. She looked at the man, rubbing a metal can on her head.

“Hey there, little-”

He looked down at her privates.

“...girl, everything’s gonna be fuckin’ fine,” he said, soothingly.

“W-where am I?” she asked, her head full of questions.

“Oh shit! You can fuckin’ talk?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Sorry ‘bout this shit. My fuckin’ boys were playin’ some backyard cricket an…”

He turned to look at the TV.

“Oh my fucking God! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! A fuckin’ wicket? That’s fucking bullshit! Kick that curry munching cunt off the fucking field!”

Rainbow was visibly terrified.

“Oh, fuck, sorry. It’s just a fuckin’ cricket game. Cricket’s our national sport. I can’t fuckin believe we’ve got seven fuckin’ wickets on us, and we’ve only got 115 runs!”

He cleared his throat, “Anyway, you were fuckin’ hit by a stray ball. One of my boys scored a fuckin’ amazing six. Fuckin’ sorry about that.”

“...okay…” Rainbow Dash replied, extremely confused.

“Oh, shit, you wonder why I’m usin’ a fuckin’ beer can? Yeah, we don’t have a pack of peas in the fuckin’ freezer, so I had to use this instead. Sorry.”

He popped the lid open and guzzled the beer.

“Fuck me, I love a good VB.”

“What’s a ‘VB’?” Dash asked.

“Victorian-fuckin’-Bitter.”

“Wouldn’t that be ‘VFB’?”

“Fuck up, ya little smart alec. I’ll fucking bash you.”

He lit up a cigarette and had a long drag.

“You wanna fuckin’ durry?”

“What’s a ‘durry’?”

“Fuckin’ cigarette. Cunt, you are totally fuckin’ cooked! How do you not fuckin’ know this?”

Rainbow Dash sighed.

“I came here for a holiday, and so far I’ve been abused by everyone here! No wonder Twilight said it was dangerous!”

“Mate, who the fuck is ‘Twilight’? Isn’t that the fucking movie about vampires or some shit?”

“Screw this!”

Rainbow Dash stretched her wings and flew through the open door. She couldn’t take it anymore. She just wanted to go on a holiday. She kept flying as far as she could.

After several hours, she looked down, and there was nothing but sand beneath her. She touched down, but quickly pulled back. The sand was insanely hot, and it burnt Rainbow’s sensitive hooves. The sun was beating down upon her.

Her sweat rolled down her face, and left her cheek. She swore it sizzled when it hit the ground.

“I hate this place! It’s just all desert and it’s full of jerks! I wanna go home!” she yelled at the top of her lungs.

Suddenly, she saw a white Holden Statesman coming towards her. She panicked.

The car stopped in front of her. Several suited men jumped out from the car, all armed. Then, an ape in a suit stepped out of the car.

“What’s a monkey doing out here?” Dash said, giggling at the absurd sight.

The ape turned around, and looked at the small Aboriginal tribe behind him.

“Fuck off ya cunts!” the ape yelled.

“Al-fuckin’-right, lemme just finish my metho and milk,” an Aboriginal replied.

“Fuck it, this cunt is cooked!” the other one said, packing up their didgeridoo.

The ape looked Rainbow Dash in the eyes.

“Did you fuckin’ call me an ape? Do you not fuckin’ know who I am?”

“...no…”

“I’m fucking Tony Abbott! I’m the fuckin’ Prime Minister of Australia! I’m very, fuckin’, important!”

“Sorry sir,” she apologised.

“Anyway, I’ve taken a firm fucking stance against illegal immigrants. You’re fuckin’ out, Pony.”

And with that, one of Tony’s guards kicked her in the flank so hard, she flew right back to Equestria.

“Nice fuckin’ kick, Jonno.”

“Yeah mate, not my fuckin’ best, though.” Johnathan Thurston replied.

Rainbow Dash crashed through the window of Twilight’s Library. Twilight ran downstairs and yelled at her again.

“Rainbow! What did I tell you about the front do-”

A very red pony with rainbow hair arose from the pile of books. She was holding a VB in one hoof, and a durry in her mouth.

“Cunt, shut the fuck up.”

And that, she did.