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Rock Farms Have Terrible Sex Ed
Today's Lesson: Everything can be Explained in Baking Metaphor
Pinkie Pie was having a wonderful day. She had woken up and had a balanced breakfast of donuts and chocolate milk. Her morning was spent saying hi to everypony in town, then conducting an impromptu musical number. Lunch consisted of bananas and a sandwich made of ice cream. Now she was manning the front counter at Sugarcube Corner having a splendafulis time putting smiles on the faces of each customer. Pinkie was busy restocking the display counter when the little bell over the door jingled.
“Hi and welcome to Sugarcube Corner!” Pinkie looked up to see a pony that she was not expecting to see that day, “Princess Cadance? Ohmygosh! What a surprise! I so totally wasn’t expecting to see you today! Or tomorrow! Or anytime until Twilight gets a letter saying we have to save the world again! So how can I help you?”
Cadance looked around nervously as she approached the counter, “Um, Pinkie Pie, is anypony else here?”
“Nope! Mr. and Mrs. Cake are out for lunch with the kids!” Pinkie twisted her head upside down and leaned over the counter, “So it’s just you and me right now! Yep, the two of us are all alone. No pony else around to hear if one of us screamed for help.”
“What was that last part?” Cadance took two steps back from the overly energetic pink mare.
“Oh nothing! Just a joke!” Pinkie spun her head back around and rested her forehooves on the counter.
Cadance cleared her throat, “Right then. Pinkie Pie, I was wondering if you could give me some, um, advice.”
“Sure!” Pinkie hopped around the counter and put a hoof around Cadance’s shoulders, “The secret is to always use homemade icing!”
“No, that’s not quite the kind of advice I wanted,” Cadance lifted Pinkie off her, the blue field of her telekinesis appearing around her, “I was hoping for some more… personal advice.”
“Hmmm,” Pinkie put a hoof to her chin in thought, “Nope, sorry. I don’t think you could ever get your mane to curl like mine.”
Cadance rolled her eyes and set Pinkie down, a blush showing through her coat, “I was hoping to get some advice on... I can’t believe I’m saying this. Advice on bedroom activities .”
“You mean like pillow fights?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head.
“Sex!” Cadance blurted out, “I want advice on sex!” Cadance’s head swiveled around after her outburst. However Sugarcube corner was still empty.
“Oh, um…” Pinkie’s smile flickered and was replaced with a forced grin, “Well I’m sure you don’t really need advice from me. I mean, aren’t you the Princess of Love?”
“Love, not lust, not even passion. Just love,” Cadance hung her head, hoofing at the floorboards, “Shining wants to do something to spice up our love life and I don’t have a clue about these sorts of things. Then I remembered how outgoing you were and how Twilight always talks about how you throw the best parties. I sort of put two and two together…”
“Oh, yeah, of course,” Pinkie nodded and kept her forced smile.
“I expected you to be more… forthcoming about it. Sorry this is so awkward,” Cadance shrugged, and tried to look anywhere but where Pinkie was.
“Err… That’s just it,” Pinkie scratched the back of her head, “I kind of, sort of, don’t really know a lot about that topic .”
“I know you’re not an expert, but any little thing you could tell me...” Cadance was cut off.
“Ya see. You’re reeeeeeally not getting it,” Pinkie made a circular gesture with a hoof, “I really don’t know much about that .”
Cadance’s eyes sparked in realization, “Oh… you mean you’re into mares.”
“Nonono!” Pinkie waved her front hooves back and forth frantically, “I mean I never learned about… it .”
Cadance raised an eyebrow in confusion. Then her mouth slowly dropped to form an ‘O’, “You’ve never had sex have you.”
Her blush finally showed through her coat, and Pinkie covered her face, “Please don’t use that word. It makes me uncomfortable. In fact can we get off the subject?”
“I-I’m sorry. It’s just this was the last thing I was expecting to happen,” Cadance stuttered out, “I thought I would be the uncomfortable one, not you.”
“It’s ok, everypony thinks I’m like that ,” Pinkie sighed, slouching down behind the counter, “They think because I’m so carefree and know so many ponies that I do those things all the time. The girls had the same reaction when they found out. But they keep off the subject as much as they can when I’m around.”
“I’m just amazed you never learned about the birds and the bees. I mean, you grew up on a farm. I thought all farm-fillies learned about mating,” Cadance explained.
“Yeah. A rock farm. Rocks don’t mate ,” Pinkie shivered on the last word.
A silence descended over the two. Cadance spent the time counting the various heart shaped decorations on the pastries and carved into the molding. Pinkie seemed preoccupied with steading her breathing. The noise of the street drifted in through the walls, indistinguishable fragments of conversation and the soft chirping of birds. Eventually Cadance could no longer stand the silence.
“So, um… Your parents were more traditional then?” She asked.
“Yeah, they didn’t talk about it and only answered questions with ‘not until you’re married’. It really got annoying!” Pinkie explained.
“Mother, Father. Why are you two wrestling in bed?” a young, straight haired Pinkamena asked.
“We’ll tell you when you’re married,” Igneous Rock told Pinkie, rolling off Cloudy Quartz.
“Why didn’t you go find a stallion to experiment with?” Cadance asked.
“Hello! Rock farm, remember. There wasn’t another pony around for kilometers besides my family! And I was not going to do anything with my dad!” Pinkie shouted defensively.
“Sorry, it was just a question,” Cadance shrunk back.
Pinkie sighed, “No, it’s my fault. I get a teeny-weeny little bit intense when ponies try to talk to me about these things. And actually I’m pretty sure that’s why Maud likes rocks so much,” Pinkie Pie put a hoof to her chin in thought.
“Mother, Father. Why is Maud out in the fields doing a really weird dance with a rock?” Pinkamena asked.
Igneous Rock and Cloudy Quartz looked at each other before bolting out the door, “Maud Pie! You get in the house this instant!”
“That’s unfortunate to hear,” Cadance offered.
“It’s not that I don’t want to work on it. I just don’t know how I can,” Pinkie sighed, her hair visibly deflating as she exhaled, “It was super awkward with the Cakes when Mrs. Cake got pregnant.” Cadance noticed that Pinkie put unnecessary emphasis on ‘pregnant.’ “I had never learned how those things worked so I asked how it happened… Long story short I learned what the expression ‘put a bun in her oven’ meant.”
Cadance nodded and in the preceding silence, pondered this. And then she was hit with an idea. Keeping her tone casual Cadance decided to test her idea, “Wow, you must have a hard time now when people talk about buns and ovens.”
Pinkie looked up at Cadance and tilted her head to the side, “No. Why would I have a hard time talking about baking?”
“Pinkie Pie, that’s your solution,” Cadance beamed, “You don’t have trouble talking about baking so you just need to use baking metaphors for everything until you’re used to it.”
Pinkie literally exploded into a smile, “Ohmygosh! That’s a great idea! I can talk about baking all day and not get tired of it! So I just need to phrase uncomfortable things into baking terms! There’s just one teeny-tiny little problem.”
“What’s that?” Cadance asked.
“I never get into conversations about that so I’ll never have an opportunity to practice,” Pinkie gathered herself after her outburst.
“I think I have a solution to that too!” Cadance cheered, “We can write to each other! It’ll be like you’re my student.”
“That’s superific! Does this mean I get a baby dragon too!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“No,” Cadance shook her head, “But I will need a source of fire to enchant…”
Dear Princess Cadance,
Today I learned what ‘eating out’ is. It’s when one pony licks a mare’s honeypot until she boils over. And if a stallion shot cream inside her then it becomes a ‘cream pie’. Thanks again for the wonderful suggestions.
Your faithful student, Pinkamena Diane Pie
Shining Armor looked at his sleeping wife, then back at the letter that had appeared over her not one minute ago, then back to his wife.
“She’s got some ‘splaining to do.”
Meanwhile in the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner…
“Pinkie. Why does our oven have a new setting labeled ‘Mailpony’?”
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Rock Farms Have Terrible Sex Ed
Today's Lesson: On the Importance of Proofreaders
Cheerilee was at a loss. Her classes had been interrupted by Pinkie Pie many times in the past, usually for birthday parties. But she had never been disturbed before class by Pinkie Pie. Her first assumption was that Ms. Pie had somehow forgotten about a birthday until the last minute and was there to get Cheerilee’s okay to burst in for a celebration during the middle of class. That Cheerilee could have handled, but that was not the case. No, Pinkie Pie wanted to join her class today.
There had been a few occasions where parents wanted to sit in on a class and Cheerilee had no problems with that. But that was on a day of normal classes. Today was not a normal class day. Today they were starting the sex ed unit.
“Um, Pinkie, I’m not sure I can let you sit in on this particular class,” Cheerilee said.
“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that!” Pinkie cheerily explained, “I have a permission slip!”
“That’s not what I mean,” sighed Cheerilee, taking a deep breath she explained, “Pinkie, you have a history of being… excitable. That is the last thing this class needs. And with you being so much older than the students, well it could be considered a bit… creepy.”
Pinkie Pie just smiled and nodded, “Alright I understand. Good luck with your class today Ms. Cheerilee!” With that Pinkie Pie waved and walked out the door. Cheerilee let out a sigh of relief. She did not need today to be any harder that it was going to be already.
As soon as the door swung shut however, it burst open again revealing Pinkie Pie in a white button up shirt and a plaid skirt. Cheerilee buried her face into her hooves as Pinkie skipped over to her desk and pulled the oversized lollipop out of her mouth.
“Guten Tag misses teacher lady! I am new student from Yakyakistan. I am here to join your class today. Here is permission slip. Ya,” Pinkie Pie then put a piece of paper on Cheerilee’s desk.
Cheerilee wished her biggest problem was where Pinkie had gotten that permission slip.
“It is totally not a forgery. Ya,” Pinkie Pie said.
Cheerilee looked over the signature and shook her head. Though she didn’t know what Pinkie Pie’s mom’s name actually was, she was pretty sure that it wasn’t “Mother.”
“Pinkie, you do know that you’re legally an adult and you can sign this yourself. So it really doesn’t matter if you signed it or she did,” Cheerilee explained with a sigh.
“Pinkie? Who is this Pinkie?” Pinkie asked, “I am Yakyakistanian transfer student. Ya.”
“Pinkie, there is no Yakyakistanian transfer student in my class. Our school doesn’t require uniforms. And you’re still far too old. My day is going to be hard enough as it is, please find somepony else to bother,” Cheerilee grumbled, pushing Pinkie out of the school house.
With that Cheerilee walked to the front of the classroom and addressed the class, “Before we begin todays lesson I need everypony who hasn’t already to turn in their signed permission slips.”
While the last few students placed their slips on her desk, Cheerilee mentally calmed herself. The run in with Pinkie was behind her. She needed to at least look like she was calm, otherwise class would be awful.
After a glance through the new slips and a few marks on the attendance sheet, Cheerilee put on a smile and began, “That’s everypony, so we can begin.”
As soon as those words had left her mouth the door was kicked open, and once again Pinkie Pie invited herself into the schoolhouse. This time she was wearing makeup that was far too heavy. Her front legs had sequined stockings, while her back were covered in those of the fishnet variety. She had a black formfitting dress on that was cut far too short. How Cheerilee knew it was cut too short she wasn’t sure, but she was seriously considering making a school dress code just to ban that dress.
“Did somepony order a teaching aid?” Pinkie Pie asked in a sultry voice. The entire room sat in silence, taking in Pinkie’s costume. Then one of the colts fell out of his chair.
Now Cheerilee had three ways to deal with this. The first was to kick Pinkie Pie out of the classroom again; though that would just result in something even more ridiculous happening. The second was to let Pinkie Pie sit in on the class as long as she behaved. Not a great solution, but workable. The last was to roll with it and actually use Pinkie Pie as a teaching aid. That… Cheerilee didn’t even want to think about that one.
“Pinkie, if you promise to take that off, sit in the back of the class, and not say anything unless I call on you, you can sit in on the class,” Cheerilee relented.
“T-take it off?” Pinkie Pie asked, a blush barely visible beneath her coat, “Oh, yeah, sure. I can do that.”
After taking a deep breath, Pinkie Pie started swaying back and forth as a saxophone began playing sensually smooth jazz somewhere in the distance. Pinkie Pie slowly slid off her front stockings while giving an inviting smile to the class. It took until Pinkie Pie had removed her rear stockings and was turning around to present herself to the class for Cheerilee’s brain to comprehend what was happening.
“Pinkie!” Cheerilee screeched causing the entire class to wince, “That’s not what I meant by ‘take it off’. Change into something more appropriate, and go sit in the back of the class.”
A disappointed groan arose from some of the class as Pinkie sped out of the room to change. A quick sniff of the air and Cheerilee knew that groans weren’t all that were arisen by Pinkie’s little display. Knowing that the key to keeping some sense of normalcy in the class was acting like nothing out of the ordinary was going on, Cheerilee did her best to ignore the scents. It wasn’t that hard really, it was simply how one functioned in polite society. Ignoring the fact that she would be the one that would have to clean the chairs however was a different story. Maybe she could make Pinkie do it? Ugh, no. That just… No.
Pinkie Pie walked back into the room, thankfully not wearing any kind of costume, and slunk to the back of the class. A few of the female students were glaring at her, and several of the male students were trying to subtly sneak a peek beneath her tail. Those students failed, both in terms of catching a glimpse of anything and in being subtle. As there were no empty desks, Pinkie Pie took a seat on the floor behind the back row.
With a smile Cheerilee began her lesson, “Today class, we’ll be starting our sexual education unit. I know some of the things that we’ll talk about will seem funny, and some of it will be embarrassing, but we’re all adults here. If something does make you feel too uncomfortable, feel free to step out of the room. Our first topic is reproductive anatomy.”
Cheerilee flipped back the first page of the large display packet she had set up on an easel. On this second page were two anatomical diagrams of a mare’s and a stallion's reproductive organs. Cheerilee’s gaze slipped over the class. A couple of foals’ eyes snapped to the board, some of them tried to keep feigning indifference despite their piqued interests, and the rest tried to keep their eyes as far away as possible. Pinkie seemed to be ignoring this part of the lecture, no doubt waiting for the perfect moment to do whatever it was she was going to do.
“As I’m sure several ponies have already told you; you're approaching a time in your life where your body will begin to change. This period of growth is call puberty,” Cheerilee began, “Along with the growth spurts and changes to your voice that you are already aware of, a more private place will undergo dramatic changes as well. I’m referring to your genitals, the penis for males, and the vagina for females.”
Cheerilee paused to gauge the reactions of her students. The reactions she got here were a good indication of how the rest of the lessons would go. Lots of blushes, a few embarrassed smiles, one silent awkward giggle; all signs that the rest of her lessons would be filled with long silences and few questions. But that was better than the alternative of the students not taking this seriously. Speaking of taking things seriously Pinkie Pie seemed to only be paying just enough attention so that she could follow the lesson. At least she wasn’t being disruptive yet.
“For some of you these changes may have already started. Some of you may still have a few years before you see any signs of them. There’s nothing wrong with either of those. Everyone has a slightly different experience with puberty, though there are a few big things happen to everyone,” Cheerilee gestured to the display board, “These changes are just your body getting ready to be able to reproduce. Now before I go any further, does anypony have any questions?”
It was rare that anypony actually asked any actual questions, but it was important to remind the students that they can ask anything and give them ample opportunities to do so. Cheerilee had another way of opening the class up to questions though.
“No questions? Alright then I have a question for all of you. Does anypony have any guesses about any of the changes that happen?” Cheerilee asked. Pinkie’s hoof immediately shot up. Shit. “Any answer you give is right, we are just listing ideas after all.”
Now Cheerilee had a decision to make. If she let Pinkie Pie answer a question, it would be possible that it would break the ice and the other students… No. With her actual students, and they would start speaking up. On the other hand Pinkie Pie could potentially ruin the entire lesson. Cheerilee wasn’t sure how exactly, but she knew that Pinkie Pie could find a way.
Cheerilee decided to risk it, hesitantly she called on Pinkie, “Yes, Ms. Pie?”
The entire class turned to look at Pinkie. Cheerilee found herself relishing the anxiety on Pinkie’s face. She had damn well better be nervous about messing with Cheerilee’s lesson.
After a nervous gulp, Pinkie Pie answered, “A stallion’s eclair gets bigger and it starts making cream.”
Cheerilee had no idea where that came from. What was Pinkie trying to pull…
“Well, actually their sourdough balls start making the cream,” Pinkie Pie took Cheerilee’s silence as a request to go on.
Then it hit Cheerilee what Pinkie Pie was doing.
“Mares start to drop eggs into their oven,” Pinkie Pie started to ramble, “But if the eggs don’t get any cream they get thrown away. And the eggs get the cream by having a stallion put his…”
“Stop!” Cheerilee shouted, “Stop. Just. Stop.”
Pinkie Pie stopped, her mouth hanging open, she somehow managed to not even blink. All of the students were trying to figure out what was going on, several whispering to each other. Cheerilee had her face in her hoof.
“Why are you talking like that?” Cheerilee asked.
“Because using the actual words is too embarrassing,” Pinkie Pie explained, “So I use baking metaphor. It was something Princess Cadence suggested.”
“So the reason you’re here is?” Cheerilee asked.
“So that I can get used to ponies using the actual words,” Pinkie replied.
Crap. She was actually using this as a learning experience.
“Look, if you really need help we can… schedule a private tutoring session,” Cheerilee offered, “My Thursday evenings are free.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Pinkie Pie cheered, hopping up and down, “I can’t wait to write to Princess Cadance about this! Oh I wonder what costume I should wear?”
“Don’t wear anything!” Cheerilee sternly ordered.
“Oh I get you,” Pinkie Pie gave a wink as she slid out of the room, “See you Thursday!”
“That’s not what I meant!” Cheerilee called after her, before realizing it was useless and muttering, “Oh, what have I gotten myself into?”
Cheerilee took a moment to compose herself before facing the class, then she looked back at the display cards on the easel and asked. “Where were we?”
“Mrs. Cheerilee, I have a question,” Scootaloo asked, raising her hoof.
Cheerilee smiled, it looked like Pinkie Pie had loosened the class up. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad.
“Go ahead Scootaloo,” Cheerilee encouraged.
“If, you’re going on a date with Pinkie Pie, does that mean you actually like mares?” Scootaloo asked.
“Oh my gosh we hadn't even thought of that!” Sweetie Belle gasped, “We are so sorry for trying to set you up with Big Mac.”
“We’ll make it up to you! We can help you with your date this Thursday!” Applebloom offered.
Cheerilee walked over to her desk and let her face fall into it. Somehow, Pinkie had found a way to not only ruin the class, but also her life. Perhaps she should reconnect with Berry Punch tonight. It had really been far too long since they had last talked.
Princess Cadence and Shining Armor were in the middle of a very intense makeout session when a scroll popped into existence and bounced off their heads. Cadance broke this kiss, letting Shining Armor slide the attention of his tongue lower.
“Oh. It looks like it’s from Pinkie Pie,” Cadance moaned.
“Why don’t you read it,” suggestively suggested Shining Armor, before going for a rather intimate place on his wife.
Squirming from her husband’s attention, Cadance unrolled and read the letter.
Dear Princess Cadence,
Today I learned that I need to know not only my own boundaries, but those of others as well. I took your sugestion of going to the Ponyville School and getting help from the teacher. At first Cheerilee was confused, then she was against it. The class was really interested in what I was doing and I offered to be a teaching-aid, but Cheerilee just kept telling me no. But eventually she decided that struggling wasn’t worth it and she just needed to let it happen The whole thing was pretty embarrassing at first, but once I got a rhythm going it took Cheerilee’s screaming to knock me out of it. When I was done Cheerilee admitted that it wasn’t that bad, but next time I should see her in private so I don’t disturb her class.
Your faithful student,
Pinkamena Diane Pie
The couple looked at each other for three seconds before they both jumped off the bed.
“I’ll alert the Ponyville guard,” Shining Armor announced.
“I’ll have them get the royal train ready,” Cadance declared, “That mare is in so much trouble.”
Meanwhile in the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner Pinkie Pie turned off the oven and dusted off her hooves.
“I still can’t remember if suggestion is spelled with one or two ‘G’s,” she muttered to herself, “I should really get a proofreader for these.”
Author's Note
Man I can not believe I just wrote that. I put way too much effort into it too. I actually researched and made a sex-ed lesson plan for the class. Then I realized that it destroyed the pacing so I cut basically all of it.
Originally this was going to be a second one shot story, but then I realized that there was a good chance I would wind up writing more. So if this chapter receives even half the attention the last one did, you all will get at least one more chapter.
On a slightly tangential note, my usual proof/beta-reader refused to read this chapter. Ironic yes? Please let me know of any spelling, grammar, or other issues with the chapter and I'll fix them ASAP. Oh, and if your interested in proof/beta-reading the next chapter of this ~~(assuming there will be another)~~ let me know.
Ask and ye shall receive bitches!
EDIT: There will be at least one more chapter of this.
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Rock Farms Have Terrible Sex Ed
Today's Lesson: Communication is the Key to any Relationship
“Thanks again for letting us stay the night on such short notice,” Cadance told Twilight over a late breakfast.
“Oh it was no problem. I was up late researching anyway,” Twilight responded, “Though you still haven’t told me why you and Shining rushed over to Ponyville so late.”
“I assume Pinkie Pie has told you of her new status?” Cadance asked Twilight.
“We’re talking about Pinkie Pie, I know way more about it than I want to,” Twilight assured Cadance with a wave of her hoof, “But the basics are that she’s become your student and you’re helping her feel more comfortable talking about sex.”
“More or less,” Cadance nodded, “Last night I received one of Pinkie Pie’s progress letters… And let’s just say that she needs to work on her phrasing.”
“I know Pinkie Pie sometimes words things in odd ways, but I don’t see how that turned into an emergency visit,” Twilight commented, taking another bite of toast.
Cadance pulled a scroll to her with a flash of magic and levitated it to Twilight. Twilight raised an eyebrow and unfurled the scroll. Cadance watched as Twilight’s mouth fell open. She then looked away from the half chewed toast that fell out of it.
“Did… Did Pinky really…?” Twilight struggled to ask.
“No. Thank goodness,” Cadance sighed, “Freaked your brother and me out just as much though.”
"I can understand why,” Twilight nodded, cleaning up the food that had spilled out of her mouth with her magic. After a moment of silence, Twilight spoke up again, “So how did Pinkie wind up being your student anyway?”
“It’s a long boring story that I’m sure you don’t want to hear,” Cadance looked out the window and shoved another spoonful of cereal in her mouth.
“You tried that ‘I need advice on my sex-life’ thing with her didn’t you,” Twilight glared across the table at her sister in law. For her part Cadance lifted her bowl in front of her face and acted as if she was drinking the last of the milk. Twilight slammed her hooves on the table, “Really Cadance! It would be one thing if you were just asking her straight out, but manipulating her?”
“I have a very good reason for that,” Candace rebuked.
“And?” Twilight asked, waving a hoof in a circle.
“It keep rumors from starting,” Cadence stated with a nod.
“Rumors?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow, “That’s the best you can come up with?”
“Twilight, ponies love to hear about the eccentricities of the famous and powerful, and you don’t get much more famous and powerful then the princesses themselves. If said eccentricities are made up, so what? If they're interesting enough nothing will stop them from spreading,” Cadance explained.
“But everypony respects Celestia and Luna,” Twilight argued flabbergastedly, “And, you know, you and me of course.”
“You mean none of your friends have ever told you?” Cadence asked.
“Told me what?”
“Any of the rumors about you,” Candence responded.
“There are no rumors about me,” Twilight declared before she scrunched up her face and frowned, “Well, except for that one about me being unable to dance.”
"Twilight, you read a lot. Like, almost more than in healthy. Surely you’ve read at least one erotic novel that gives an alicorn princess a dick?” Cadance asked.
“W-well yeah,” Twilight blushed, “but those are just stories. No one believes those.”
“No one believes what?” asked Shining Armor, strolling into the kitchen and rubbing sleep from his eyes.
“Twilight doesn’t believe me that there are rumors about her,” Cadance answered, getting up and nuzzling her husband as he walked to the fridge.
“Oh, you mean like the one about her being the princess of ‘friendship with benefits’?” he asked.
“Friendship with benefits? You mean… Ponies think I have sex with my friends? Why? What could possibly make them think that?!” Twilight yelled.
“Sleepovers, those one-on-one trips you all have with each other, a bigass castle with waaay too many rooms to hide a sex dungeon in,” Shining listed as he looked over the contents of his sister’s fridge.
“Speaking of which,” Cadance chimed in, “If you ever need to furnish a sex dungeon, I know this great place in Las Pegasus.”
“Don’t you two have royal duties you need to attend to in the Crystal Empire?” Twilight asked.
“We can work on making a royal heir anywhere,” Cadance shrugged before adding with a wiggle of her eyebrows, “Including your guest bedroom.”
“Okay! That’s it. I’m out. If either of you need me I’ll be in my lab,” Twilight declared levitating her dishes into the sink as she marched out of the room.
Even after Cadance and Shining Armor had left, Twilight couldn’t get the thought of her being the “Princess of friendship with benefits” out of her head. She had never had sexual relations with any of her friends. She hadn’t even considered the notion until her brother had brought it up.
Sure, the girls sometimes talked about their sex lives; well, everyone except for Pinkie. But Twilight had never contributed much. After all, she was still a virgin. Twilight had considered dating a waste of time before she came to Ponyville. Then before her life had settled down enough for her to consider dating, she became an alicorn. After that Twilight had considered herself off the table, though she wasn’t sure why. Cadance had been dating her brother for years before that, plus the two were married now.
Maybe it was time for her to consider dating. Ponies weren’t freaking out about her being a princess anymore. Things had settled down quite a bit. Plus her new castle could get pretty lonely at night when Spike was away… But her friends? It wasn’t that they weren’t attractive. Rarity fit the definition of beauty almost perfectly. Fluttershy had been a model, and you don’t get to be a model if you don’t look good. Rainbow was in incredible shape. Applejack had thighs for days. And Pinkie Pie...
Twilight was pulled out of her thoughts by a knock. Turning away from the equation filled chalkboard, Twilight noted that Pinkie Pie had managed to get into her lab and was knocking on the inside of the door.
“Hey Pinkie Pie, what’s up?” Twilight asked.
“I was, um… hoping you’d be able to help me with something,” Pinkie Pie said in a surprisingly subdued style.
“Sure, what can I help you with?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie fidgeted, scraping a hoof across the floor, “This is kind of embarrassing to ask…Especially at my age, but you know, growing up on a rock farm didn’t give me much of a chance to practice.”
Twilight paused. Pinkie was nervous, the only time Pinkie was nervous was when sex was involved. Was Pinkie asking her to have sex with her? Twilight swallowed, “Pinkie, a-are you asking me to…to.”
“Well, I mean, if you don’t mind. You have been doing it for a lot longer than I have,” Pinkie sheepishly grinned.
Twilight stared at her friend in shock. Pinkie Pie had heard the rumors and thought they were true.
“I’m honored you’re asking me, but I, uh… may not be quite as... proficient in it as you’re assuming I am,” Twilight blushed.
“Don’t be so modest, everypony knows you’ve been doing it since you became Celestia’s student,” Pinkie claimed, “It’s not like you hide it or anything. Heck I know Spike helps you with it all the time.”
Spike, her best assistant and little brother, ponies thought Twilight had sex with Spike? Twilight blushed, “Pinkie, I’m not sure where, you’re getting your information, but I can safely say your source was false.”
“Oh, come on Twilight, it’s in your title," Pinkie said letting her title hang in the air, "The Princess of Friendship… ”
With Benefits Twilight filled in mentally. Was this really so expected of her? Should she do it? Would anypony she dated expect her to put out? Would they break up with her when they found out she wasn’t any good? Pinkie’s lack of any prior experience would allow Twilight to practice without giving away her inexperience...
Twilight took a deep breath, calming herself before asking “Well shall we head to my bedroom then?”
As Twilight and Pinkie cuddled in bed, Twilight reflected upon the experience. I hadn’t gone nearly as poorly as she had assumed it would. In the end she had enjoyed herself tremendously and it seemed like Pinkie did too.
“Wow,” muttered Pinkie Pie into Twilight’s barrel, “If this is how you write a letter, I’ve been going about it completely wrong!”
Dear Princess Cadance,
Today I learned that in order to get what you want you have to clearly ask for it. After a miscommunication between me and Twilight Twilight and me resulted in unforeseen, but not unwanted, bit of bonding. We both now understand that unless someone directly asks you, don’t assume that they want to butter the bread together.
On a related note, I’m not a virgin anymore.
On another related note, I took your advice and asked Twilight to proof-read my letters for me.
You’re Faithful Student, Pinkamena Diane Pie
“That bitch just stole Pinkie from us,” Cadance muttered glaring at the letter, “Of course you realize, this means war.”
Author's Note
Okay, so to start with, any formatting errors here can be blamed on the Gdocs import tool being messed up. All of the other mistakes are my fault.
Next we some thoughts on the chapter. When I wrote the original chapter of Rock Farms Have Terrible Sex-Ed, I imagined that Cadance was trying to trick Pinkie into a three-way with her and Shining. Those lines about her not being the princess of any of the kinky kinds of love was bullshit. At that point it was a one shot and I didn't care if I got that point across or not as it didn't add anything to the story. Now that this has become a multi-chapter thing, I've brought that idea back.
Last we have good news, bad news, and worse news. The good news: I have several ideas for future chapters. Now the bad news: none of them will contain clop. If someone else wants to write those parts, go for it and let me know so I can direct the people that want that to it. Finally the worse news: I have no idea how long it will be until the next chapter is out.
How many potential plot lines can you spot in the last two chapters? How many do you think will actually be written? Did you guess 'too many' and 'none'? Congratulations! You win nothing.
