Chapter Three: Jank-A** Town'o Ponies

"GET BACK HERE!"

"KEEP RUNNING EP! NEVER STOP!"

"EEEEHEEEEEEEHEHEEEEEEEEHHHH NAVI I'M SCARED!"

Tears of terror ran down his face as they ran.

"GET BACK YA JERKS AND STOP FOLLOWING US! EPONA ISN'T BUYING WHAT YOU'RE SELLING!"

The blue one yelled at them.

"WE WILL CONVINCE HIM THAT HE SHOULD!"

"THAT'S RAPE!"

"NOT IF HE ENJOYS IT!"

"YOU'RE FREAKIN' CRAZY YA PENT UP UNBANGED SLUTS!"

The two kept running through the trees, Navi throwing whatever she could grab from the trees at the mares behind them. Eventually they managed to dodge around a tree and watching them all run past. Navi whispered to Epona, rubbing hishead with a small hoof to try and relax him so he wouldn't yell or make enough noise to make their location known.

"Okay...We lost them. Head back down the path, they won't expect us to go back to the castle, and we might still get loot there."

"O-okay Navi..."

Epona shuddered and then started quietly trotting back along the path. After a few minutes they made it back to the now empty castle. The two kept being stealthy in their movements however, simply for the risk of the mares returning there. Navi glanced along, flying off Epona and forward a bit.

"Hey Ep! Magic book!"

She pointed a hoof to a small gate, showing a stone stairwell over an apparent abyss. On the small platform at the bridge's end there was a tome, with light shining down on it.

"Hmm. It's locked. Epona I'll fly over the gate and grab the book and come back, you wait here."

"Okeydoke!"

Navi flapped her small wings, flying swiftly over the gate and then landing by the book.

"Inspiration Manifestation.... Sounds like it might be worth something. I'll read it later and check."

She hopped back into the air and gabbed the book in all four hooves. It seemed her strength had followed her into this body, as her wings were able to easily lift the book. She took off with it floating it to the gate and sliding it through the bars. Epona grabbed it and put it int one of his saddlebags. Navi landed back in the perch she held in his mane. Epona talked when she landed.

"While you were flying I found stuff!"

"What stuff?"

"This!"

He held out what looked like the broken remains of the armor worn by the 'nightmare'. Navi blinked.

"Huh. Well grab it, maybe we can get a goron or whatever they have instead for blacksmith's to forge it with one of the tunics. Give you some extra defense or something."

Epona nodded and grabbed it and put it into his bag with the book. The two walked around a bit further, finding nothing but a few pots. These were further disappointing, as they held no rupees when smashed. Navi shrugged.

"Eh at least we still have Lonk's wallet so we got like 200 to use until we find more."

"Yup! Let's go!"

The two continued forward, heading out and then finding themselves in front of a strange tree, made to resemble a house. They walked up and knocked on the door. They were both surprised when Zecora opened the door.

"Well hello again, Epona breezie friend."

"Hey yeah cool to see you and whatever, can we hide out here? We found that castle you were talking about but then there was a whole bunch of mares that freaked out and tried to get jiggy all over Epona."

"That is something I would not mind, for I am one of the few unlike their kind."

"Whatcha mean?"

Zecora gave Navi a deadpan look.

"It is the pony mare's heat season, from my brews I still can see a moment's reason."

"So all the mares are all about sexy fun times, and you aren't like that cuz you got potions for that?"

"Yes."

"Okay good. Oh yeah, can we get some health and stamina potions from you? I have a feeling we'll have to do a lot more running and that Epona's gonna get hurt somehow."

"That would be no problem, both of those issues,  I can solve them."

After a short bit the two headed out, seeking further adventure. As they walked along they found their own way out of the forest everfree, and then rode out and found their way to the town of 'Our Town', on the outer edges of the country. Well to be more accurate they found their way to a cave wherein the cutie marks of the town were stored. Navi grinned upon seeing a floating staff.

"Okay, I don't care if it' worth anything, I want that. Take it!"

"Okaydoke!"

Epona reached up and grabbed it, yanking it from the glow of magic holding it aloft. They both heard a mare yell out at the cave entrance.

"WHO IN THE HELL IS MESSING WITH MY STA- Oh... Well hello there big boy."

Epona shuddered as he turned around to see a mare looking slightly similar to one of the six that had chased him, especially with the look in her eyes. She slowly approached him, looking him up and down.

"Well well... Sine you're grabbing my staff I take it you want to... 'join' our town? "

Navi popped up to try and keep the mare focused off of Epona and onto talking.

"What do you mean 'join'?"

"Ours is a community of purest friendship and equality, and to achieve that end all that visit us give up their cutie marks and their special talents and become one of us, that way nopony is better and all are equal."

"So communism?"

"Wh-What!? Nononono NO! WE ARE NOT COMMUNIST! WE JUST MAKE EVERYONE THAT COMES BY HERE BE FRIENDS AND LEARN THE TRUTH OF FRIENDSHIP!"

"So cult of communism?"

"NO IT S NOT-Okay, you know what I'm going into this. The rest of the town has arrived and so we can just teach you now."

Navi looked around and realized that she had indeed been duped, and she and Epona were surrounded. She poked the back of his head.

"Ep?"

"Yeah?"

"Do as I instruct, and do not question."

"I do that normally though..."

"Well yeah but still. Okay, take out our new staff, and plant it into the ground by the two prongs."

"Kay!"

He took it out and placed it. Navi flew out above it and placed her forehooves into the positions of prayer. The cultists halted as they looked at the pair, actually curious of what she was doing.

"Navi whatcha doin?"

"Hey I said no questions! Ugh... Anyway, you know how the Great Dooku Tree protected the forest where I'm from?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Well I eavesdropped on some of the spells and prayers he used on the forest, and how he made all those Deku Sticks. So I'm gonna try and magic this thing."

"Oh... Okay!"

"Good, now then, the Deku Prayer...Navi abridged version... Copyright do not steal..."

I call on the magic of myself and the world around me...

Place a blessing onto this tool carved from tree...

Give it strength in all attacks...

As it is taken for a whack...

May it always....Uh....Something do...

Something bout flying swift and true...

I forgot the rest...

Just give it the power of something cool...

Universe don't be a tool...

So is said by me,

The Great Deku Tr- UH! I mean...

The Great Navi, MLG...

A wave of green light actually illuminated around the staff, leaving the wood of it having been made a dark black color, as if it was from a tree grown in death.

"HOLY CHEESUS THAT WORKED!? HOLY FRACKAZOD! EP YOU SEEING THIS!?"

"Yup!"

"HA! SUCK IT GREAT DEKU TREE! YOU AIN'T THE ONLY MAGIC THING FROM THAT FOREST! Okay, now take it from the ground."

Epona yanked it out with ease. The two prongs seemed to have been changed along with the color, now bearing a pair of wicked points.

"I dub thee the Deku-Whompus! Epona ya know how Deku Sticks are used for whackin' stuff?"

"Uh-Huh!"

"Well this is better, and it can whack anything."

"Yay!!"

Navi grasped the Deku Shank in her forehooves, having gained some practice with it and now held it in the manner of a broadsword.

"So Navi why'd ya make this for me?"

"Because we're surrounded by communists and we ain't goin' down easy. You get me?"

Epona gained a look of concentration for a moment.

"And they stole people's buttmarks."

"Is... Is that why I don't have one?"

"Well no but I don't really know the rules of the buttmarks."

"Oh..."

Epona gained a 'resolute' face and whirled to face the crowd. Many of them flinched back from the fact that Epona had confused the expressions for 'resolute' and 'hateful wrath'. He grabbed the Deku-Whompus and held it in his teeth. The Cultist leader glared at Navi.

"Oh don't worry you little bug... We'll make you see it our way..."

"You think you can take me and Ep down so easily...?"

Navi narrowed her eyes and then put on a pair of sharpened sunglasses before rearing on her back legs and taking flight with the Deku-Shank.

"JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE!?"

The cultist hesitantly surged and Epona held his Whompus aloft. After a few moments all of the cultist were flinching back to get away from Epona, who was swinging wild and had down multiple of them in the first charge. None of them had noticed Navi charging forward and engaging their leader, who was now running in fear after all of her magic having no affect. Finally she tripped and tumbled into a wall. Navi leaped forward and brought her shank down and split the mares' horn. A wave of magic erupted from it, shattering all of the case holding their cutie marks and blowing off the dusting covering her own cutie mark. The leader collapsed and the cultists seemed to surround her, seeing that she had lied to them all. The leader collapsed onto her face, rear in the air. Before any of them spoke, Navi leaped onto the collapsed mare's raised rear, holding her sword into the air.

"I AM NAVI, SLAYER OF COMMUNISM! FEAR ME YA JERKS!"

She proceeded to swing her blade at any that approached her. Epona heard her yell and charged through the crowd and smacking them all away with his new Whompus.

"You did it Navi! You beat the communism!"

"You bet I did! C'mon, let's run, they're weakened!"

Epona scooped up Navi and stowed her blade and then charged back through the utterly confused group of ponies. They didn't move from where they were and watched the two run out of the cave chanting:

"USA! USA! USA! USA!"

They did not, however, hear Navi whisper to Epona when they were out of earshot.

"Okay they've left their cultist stronghold without guard, let's go take all of their money and free their prisoners!"

"Yay!"

In the town they found little to no money in each house, and no good food other than 'wretched and goddess trio-forgotten' muffins. They finally reached the town on the end and opened it. Navi looked around and found finally a chest. They opened it and found within a simple spellbook and a pile of gems and bits. Navi began to tear up after seeing it.

"Loot...Sweet loot..."

She shrieked in laughter as she jumped into the chest and swam around in the bits for a short while before getting the excitement out of her system.

"Okay that was nice... Grab it up Ep! Aaaaalllll of it!"

"Okey-dokes!"

A few minutes later the pair now had a considerable amount of treasure collected, and Navi had a spellbook to read along with the one from the castle. They finally went to the last house, hearing the sounds of someone pounding from the inside. They slowly approached and then pulled, only to find it locked. That left them with only the option of leaving and hoping the door was locked for a good reason.

No JK Epona bucked that shit straight out of the doorframe.

"Yo who's banging on the door in here! My name's Navi and this is my bro Epona!"

They looked down to see an orange stallion with a thin build wearing a poncho and a sombrero, with a curly brown mane and green eyes.

"Thank you so much! Jeez, these jerks grabbed me a while back and took my mark, I thought I was a goner! Then suddenly my mark flew in through the window and you guys came along and I was saved and now I'm free to go back to making ponies smile all over Equestria and-"

"Look guy, we don't need to know what your deal is, kay? We're just here to get treasure and save peoples. You have any loot or people that'd pay for your rescue?"

"Well I dunno about all that but I got a party bag for holding stuff-"

"We have saddlebags."

"Well the bag is for party bombs for my party tank-"

"YOU GOT BOMBS!?"

"Well mainly they're smoke bombs and different types of fireworks, but the bag can hold regular bombs too if the need arises-"

"We'll take forty!"

"I only have the one and I'm giving it as a gift-"

"STOP SELLING YOU ALREADY MADE THE SALE!"

"Okay! Here ya go, and a cupcake on the side for each of you!"

Epona lunged forward to devour his cupcake, and Navi simply placed the cupcake into a fold of Epona's mane so she could eat it along the way (as it was half as large as she was) to their next destination. They took the bomb bag and hooked it onto Epona's saddlebags and they watched Cheese Sandwich ride off into the distance, murmuring about 'rescuing Boneless from the evil clutches of Chickenfoot'. After that Epona and Navi simply shrugged and continued in the opposite direction on their quest.

"Hey Epona?"

"Yeah Navi?"

"Let's go blow up a dragon."