Dave strider in the land of Ponies and Magic

by Sithmaneking

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

You are now Dave Strider, a human with no idea of life but how to be cool. He is so hella cool, that he thought a medallion might give him awesome irony powers, but instead, it transported him into Equestria, where he must know how to co-exist without his friends back come, and make new ones in this new world of friendship, magic, and talking ponies.

Shit is about to get real.

Note: There is quite a lot of "buy some apples" language on this, but that is Dave's flow. Also, the use of Dave's typing quirk, which uses no normal conventions of the typed word, is prevalent during his chats with all others.

Chapters

Act 0: What the hell am I doing here?
Act 1: Holy shit, a princess.

Act 0: What the hell am I doing here?
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Dave strider in the land of Ponies and Magic

Act 0: What the hell am I doing here?

Dave's Log Entry into Rose's Diary of the Zoologically Dubious

Ok so here's the whole shit of what went down before I even got here:

I was at a convention, seen with all these cool cats and all hells of plush rumps. Selling my raps, my bro's plush rumps, even some old Legendary Pieces of shit for swords. My bro and I made a killing, but seriously I thought going to cons was about walking, about meeting new people, getting all kinds of ill nasty with some of the babes in sexy cosplay, even if they were trolls.

I only got here a day or two early to help bro set up, but I came for the experience. But yeah, here I am, in a booth waiting for bro to come back and take over. Shit, it's been been a god-damned hour already, he must be in some strife with a guy. I mean jegus fuck, does he always have to strife with everyone????

Still, it's cool that Egbert and Rose are here. Jade didn't make it because she is somewhere in the fucking pacific or somewhere like that, like that watery asshole king neptune said "Nah, fuck your trip plans you are staying on that shitty island". That, or it was her lusus guardian dog or whatever.

The only grown dude that could escort us on the fucking plane in and out was my bro, and seriously that was hella-brutal. Shit happened, engines failed, bro got mad as hell. But it's all good, lil cal landed the plane, so damn, he's radder than snoop dog. Not that snoop ain't bad, but he's still coo. I still can't regrow part of my fucking hair that got singed by fire, aint that a bitch.

So all of us except jade are here, and yeah we got what john called our god tier outfits on. Still have no idea what he's thinking, but whatever, we are all good. Rose asked me out yesterday, which was I think Friday....possibly Thursday, I dunno. Still, I had to plead stupidity about how my bro ended up being our fucking waiter. How the hell did he even get a waiter license???????

Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, what happened to me. Well it so happened that me and john were just shopping ok we were in the con, on the floor where the wares are sold and Egbert bought some new shit for his cosplay for next con, which is in my hometown. I think he wants to be one of the trolls. Son of a fuck, there are already too many people cosplaying as god damned trolls.

We found some cool shit on a table that some weird dude was peddling. Some medallions and shit, and even one of those weird flute things from that zelda kid. Egbert bought some medallion and I bought another, after that we left to go find the hotel rooms we had, and then as soon as I fell asleep in my pajamas, bam! I'm on another fucking planet!

Anyway some weird talking pony spotted me, and now I'm being taken to some feathery asshole or the Batterwitch, dunno which. Hopefully I won't be eaten, like I almost was by some preschoolers, led by TZ dressed like red alligators.

Present Time, Equestria

You are now Dave Strider, and you have been dragged into a cell underneath some sort of palace, after abruptly appearing before a random group of talking ponies. You think this is all a dream, but it feels to real to be so. The medallion you bought earlier from a con merch peddler has stopped glowing, and you also wonder, if you were teleported into this realm, whatever it is, by the medallion itself. You are no quite sure, but you are now scared shitless, and want to cry and call for Bro to bail you out.

==> Dave: Call bro and cry like a little bitch.

Wait, what? No you don't want to do that! That is so uncool of you to consider such a thing. Calling your bro is like calling your mom, and that is never cool. You have to find a way out of this somehow, and quickly. The guards appear to be coming, and you are not sure what they will do. You pray they are not here to use you as a stallion would a mare.

==> Dave: Examine cell

You examine the cell and see it is all kinds of bland, and quite sturdy. Whoever designed this cell, or the prison outside, was a master at his craft. The guards come into your view, and they are wearing armor, and certainly speaking English. You, are now in the shit now.

TG: hey uh where the fuck am i and what bullshit are you trying on me

Guard: Silence you, your own existence is a possible prelude to invasion! Celestia demands your presence in front of the throne.

TG: huh celestia what the hell am i in that GAME that bro plays something about ponies god damn if thats happened i might do a pirouette off the bars here

Guard: You do not know where you are? Then how could you have that? *points at medallion*

TG: what this shit i bought it

Guard: Where? Such things are banned here in this world!

TG: Oh SHIT really the guy i bought this from didn't tell me that thanks for telling me muzzle face

Guard: Enough of this, you are coming with me to see Celestia. to answer for your sudden appearance.

TG: oh man,so is this celestia a queen a princess or just your average warden of this place

Guard: If you call her a warden, I'm sure she will kick you to the moon, alien.

Youare now a little more scared of this "Celestia" person, after hearing what might happen to you. You need to find a way out of this jam, before you get kicked to the moon!

==> Dave: Follow Guards

You follow the guards and look for a way to escape. You go willingly because they appear way stronger than bro in everything, and you are in uncharted waters here. Anything can happen, even a feathery asshole could swoop up and take you aw-aaaaayyyyyy?!

You have just been taken by a griffon by the arms as soon as you exit into the sunlight, which was damn bright, even behind your shades. The griffon gets shot at, and you start falling. You pray there is water underneath you, or this is going to be like one of those falling death dreams you have had as a kid. The stupid and sudden escape attempt was a failure.

==> Dave: Land in water

You land in the moat outside the prison walls, and start swimming for the farthest shore, but the ponies catch you as you exit, and march you back inside, and into the cell from whence you fist started. Back to square one, you guess.

Act 1: Holy shit, a princess.
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Dave strider in the land of Ponies and Magic

Act 1: Holy shit, a princess.

==> Dave: Enter Throne Room

You now enter the throne room, where you see the biggest, feathery asshole of a princess you ever seen. You already have some ill raps to drop on these ponies, because all your sick fires will hit the royal castle and you will drop it like it's hot. The princess looks so bright, and that is your cue.

TG: oh holy shit, its a princess

TG: where the heat get hella and the cold get gonna

TG: where the pimps are in the crib and drop it like its hot

TG: and all we got is the shades to protect

TG: to defect a hoof is to crup a fuck

TG: to see the sun is to bind yourself

TG: stand in awe of the sun bitch, or be sent to the lunar SHIT

Celestia: Oh my, you are one of those, are you?

TG: one of what royal butt????

Celestia: A foolish rapping pony....but as an alien. I should have expected as much, since no one knows what you are. Except for one pony.....but let us forget that, shall we?

TG: whatever so what am I doing here for???? I just got telebeamed out of my bed and god damn almost shat myself seeing you talking feathery assholes and on top of that can I get a fucking drink????

Celestia: Well, we honestly did not take you. You appeared out of thin air, and in the middle of the road in ponyville, mind you. As for the drinks, not just yet, alien.

ponyville what the fuck???? and fuck you I need a drink

Celestia: Yes, but please, try to be calm...and not so "fresh", alien.

TG: oh man you want to go princess??? you want to start some sick fires with the stride???

Celestia: Perhaps, if it can help fond some form of friendship between us.

TG: awww yeahhhhh lets turn it UP

You then to have the oddest rap off in the history of any space known to the multiverse, and afterwards, you are set free, and allowed to stay with the princesses student for a little while. You think that this is stupid, and you should buy your own shit, but the world does not use the currencies you have, such as boondollars or the US variety. Clearly, these ponies use bits, and you are hells of broke of those.

It takes a whole night for Twilight to arrive and look at Dave. She clearly may have seen a human before, but you are not sure. You follow her to a rail station to head to her home in Ponyville. You seem a bit confused, since you have no idea how ponies could even operate a train.

The train runs down the mountain, and you feel like you need sleep, but you can't sleep, you are too pumped about being on some alien world, and the fact you are on a train on the alien world, and there were drinks that are nice. Apples are your thing, and you were given three bottles of apple juice by Twilight.

==> Dave: Get off train, head with Twilight to treehouse.

You follow the princesses student, some book-savvy purple unicorn with little or no idea what you are even trying to say when it comes to your sick and ill beats and raps. clearly, you need to make a cultural exchange with this pony.

==> Dave: Make a cultural exchange with purple pony.

The purple pony is named Twilight, and just within the first five minuites, she bores you. God she talks and talks and talks. Even another friend of yours back home can compete in snoreville with this pony.

Read boring chat box text?

[Y]? [N]?

Of course you need to read this, despite the boring contents. You are in the shit now, you are making this happen, but before you can make it happen, you have to get to Twilight's house, which was in fact, a tree, and a library? This pony....really likes books for some reason. And even if you selected no, tough shit, you are doing this no matter what, you are making. This. Happen.

Twilight: Soooo, you are an alien. Some aliens tend to be more....violent.

TG: Yeah, my species is the aboriginal asshole ape we are all hells of violent and got the sick fires to defend or thrown down with hell, we even have spears and swords and shit

Twilight: Errrr....I do hope your "sick fires" don't burn down my house. I like it here, and the books are priceless. And on top of that, you are....well, pulling my hoof on the ape stuff, aren't you?

TG: oh gog you saw right through that??? SHIT, that was going to be my cultural exchange intro

Twilight: Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize, what's your name, Mr....?

TG: dave I go by dave strider bow before your new alien overlord pony

Twilight: You can't really be an overlord, since the princesses control everything. It's sort of a naughty no-no here. And besides, you can always go back to the cell when you try anything.

TG: oh hell no why the FUCK would I go through that again???? anyway, is there some dark bed I can sleep on, im tired as fuck and needing some sleep

Twilight: The spare bed is in the basement, next to the lab. I realize that apparently, you have had a rough time in the prison last night, so go get some rest, we'll talk later when you refresh yourself. Oh, and do mind the slime, it's all over the floor down there.

TG: slime, what slime??? is it ecto SLLLLIIIIIMMMEEEE??????

==> Dave: Fall on floor, then roll down the stairs.

You slip on some of the slime, which may or may not be ecto slime, and hit the floor hard, but it doesn't end there, since you fell into the doorway to the basement, and down the stairs.

YOU WERE WARNED ABOUT STAIRS BRO! YOU WERE WARNED DOG!

==> Dave: Attempt to get up off of floor and into bed.

You fail to get up off the floor and into the bed. You were knocked out by hitting your head on the hard floor and you are now bleeding. Twilight comes down and gasps, and get you into bed.

Twilight: I did warn about the slime, you know.....