“My faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,

Due to the upcoming Summer Sun Celebration being hosted in Ponyville, I find myself in the curious position of not having any Royal Advisors to oversee the preparations for the Celebration. Thus, with you being the closest option, I’ve decided that you should take the place of a Royal Advisor this year and oversee preparations in Ponyville.

Enclosed is a checklist of everything that must be prepared before the Celebration tomorrow. I wish you the best of luck, my faithful student.

Princess Celestia ad Astra per Arcanum of Equestria

PS: Twilight, I’m a little concerned about your lack of friends, so I think that during your trip to Ponyville, you should go out and make some friends… and also maybe get some sun. Honestly, Twilight, you’re so pale these days that one could almost consider you a vampire or something! ;)”

Twilight read, reread, rereread, and finally read the list for the fourth time in six minutes. Then she checked over the list enclosed and finally read the letter for the fifth time. Finally, she appeared to have reached a definitive conclusion, slapping the letter down on the table.

“Alucard. Princess Celestia is getting suspicious of my extra-curriculars. Also, we’re going to Ponyville. Spike, pack your bags. Alucard, leave your porn stash. We leave in two hours.”

“Aw! Can’t I bring just a few of my porn mags?” Alucard whined with a disappointed look on his face, arms crossed like a petulant child.

Twilight bopped Alucard on the head, causing her breasts to sway a little from the movement, “No. You can buy more when we get to Ponyville using your Royal Stipend. We are not taking five hundred or more pornographic magazines to Ponyville. Now come on, we have packing to do.” She turned away, motioning in the air and causing articles of clothing to float about the room, neatly folding themselves into suitcases. “We only really need to pack for two days, but I suppose we should leave some packed articles lying around just in case we need more clothes. It’d be a little creepy to have a bunch of guards rifling through our drawers.”

Alucard grinned as he checked out his master. “You know, boss. I think your tits are bigger than Tia’s now. Hm…” He phased over and grabbed her mounds from behind, doing a size comparison. “Yup! You’ve surpassed old sunbutt in the bust department!”

“Gah! Dammit Alucard!” Twilight slapped his hands away, covering her chest as she blushed furiously. After a few moments of angry glaring and huffing, she returned to packing her clothing, casually stripping off her blazer and blouse and replacing them with a tank top as she worked. Her hair went up into a neat bun as she brushed her teeth and applied a touch of mascara and eyeliner, and she pulled out a pair of half moon reading glasses while applying her normal violet lipstick. After packing her toiletries, she slipped into a pair of loose, low cut white jeans and slipped on her sneakers, tossing her normal flats into a bag and packing them away for later.

Alucard suddenly hugged her from behind with a grin. “Looking good, boss. Looking real good.” He purred the last two words into her ear before licking her neck as he ground against her, making sure she could feel how hard she had made him. “Sweet Black fucking Sabbath you’re a fine piece of ass. You know that?”

Twilight shuddered and blushed, sorely regretting the fact that she hadn’t bought any new panties since she threw all of them away three years ago. “A-as if y-you haven’t told me that every day since I-I turned sevent-teen…” she muttered, feeling supremely uncomfortable down there.

Alucard sniffed and grinned. “Someone’s feeling all hot and bothered. What do you say we take care of that before we leave?” he whispered in a husky tone as his right hand started slowly going down south, sans glove. His tongue tracing up her neck again as his left hand went north toward her mounds.

Twilight shook her head furiously and teleported away, a shriek emanating from the general direction of the kitchen a few seconds later. “OH GODS THIS IS SO COLD I IMMEDIATELY REGRET THIS DECISION!”

Alucard laughed as he went into the kitchen and saw her shivering with a wet spot in her jeans. “You know you could have just jumped my bones, boss. Didn’t have to kill your good mood.” He walked toward her slowly. “But that still leaves me being hot and bothered myself. Care to help with that?”

Twilight glared and shivered some more before levitating a few ice cubes into the air and smirking.

“Oh don’t you dare!” Alucard yelled before the ice cubes were teleported into his pants and made him shudder for a few seconds and sigh. “Well… My boner’s gone.”

Spike walked in dragging his bags behind him. “Try and fail to seduce mom again, Alucard?”

“Shut up, zombie lizard!” Alucard grumbled.

Spike chuckled and flipped Alucard off before dragging his bags out the door. “Just make sure the two of you use protection!” he called out from the foyer.

Twilight grumbled angrily at Alucard and waggled a finger at him, “I blame you for Spike’s attitude, Alucard.”

Alucard laughed. “Our son takes after his daddy, boss.” He smacked Twilight on the ass and leaned in to steal a kiss from her.

Twilight pushed him away and beaned him in the crotch with her suitcase before throwing him through a wall and into his room. “Hush. Now go pack your things, Alucard. We have to get to the train station before noon.”

Alucard grinned at Twilight as they settled into the private coach they had gotten on the train, courtesy of Princess Celestia. “So… How long before we get to Ponyville?”

“Half an hour,” Twilight muttered, already scribbling notes down, using the provided tables. “Ponyville’s actually not far from the base of the Canterhorn Mountain, so it’s the closest town to Canterlot.”

“So we’ve got time to be a little… frisky?” Alucard asked as he scooted closer to her and put an arm around her shoulders. “Let’s make the most of our private time,” he whispered as he leaned in to kiss her, cupping her cheek in his left hand, the glove removed so he could feel her soft skin.

Twilight nodded, still lost in the equations dancing through her mind. “Right… right… Wait!” she suddenly spoke, pulling away quickly and scribbling furiously across several sheets of paper, pulling out various grimoires and tomes to cross reference materials.

Alucard stared at her for a moment before pulling her back into his arms. “Take a break, boss. You work way too hard!” He pulled her closer and kissed her, determined to show her a taste of what she was stubbornly denying herself.

Twilight blushed and reciprocated ever so slightly, eyes going half-lidded as she did so. Still, she refused to do more, ultimately pushing Alucard away gently and going back to work, blushing furiously and muttering, “Now is not the time nor place for that, Alucard.”

“Why not? We’re alone,” Alucard pointed out. “And you really need to relax and take a break. What better way than by working out some of that sexual tension you’ve got built up? Getting off a few times will be good for you.”

“Alucard, just drop it for now, I’m on the verge of a minor breakthrough in medical thaumaturgy here,” Twilight responded, flickering through various spell forms and adding in notes on various chemical reagents that could be added to potions to aid in various healing processes.

“Medical magic? Or more efficient blood drinking?” Alucard asked as his arm went around her shoulders. “And if you didn’t want to get frisky, why dress so sexy in tight jeans and a tank top with no bra?” He could see her nipples pressing out against the fabric of her top.

Twilight pulled his arm off of her, “You know damn well why I don’t wear underwear these days, Alucard. And yes, it’s medical. It is a more efficient bone setting spell, after all.”

“Uh huh…” Alucard muttered, not really convinced as he slipped his arm over the seat behind her head and watched her work. Well, pretended to while undressing her with his eyes.

Twilight remained oblivious to Alucard’s perversion and resumed scribbling out spell formulae, absolutely shredding through the few stacks of paper she had brought with her. Meanwhile, Spike lay a few seats away, stretched out over a table and snoring away, dead-er to the world

Alucard gave her a small smile as he watched. For all that he wanted her to loosen up and have some fun, there was no denying how cute she was when she was concentrating like that. Especially the way she bit her lip at a challenging problem.

Twilight glanced around at the various buildings and peoples of Ponyville, noting that despite the rustic looks, modern conveniences were in a fair amount of abundance. “Y’know, despite having did a few census reports on Ponyville, it’s still kinda strange seeing the disparity between the building style and the relative technological level here. Anyway, come on. We need to find our housing for the next two days. Seems we’re staying at the… Golden Oaks Library? Huh… Princess Celestia really didn’t think this through if she wants me to have friends if she put me in a library.”

“I’ll say,” Alucard agreed as he put an arm around her and pulled her close. “So if you wanna get this knocked out real quick, then let’s get to it, sugarlips!” He planted a kiss on her left temple as he grinned.

Twilight rolled her eyes good-naturedly and began walking around, using the provided map as a reference, “Okay, it says that Golden Oaks is one of the most distinctive buildings in town, since it’s… in a tree? Okay, that seems…. really, really weird… but I’ll believe it.”

“How the fuck is that tree still alive?” Alucard asked before seeing a pink haired girl coming toward them. “Freaky haired chick at three o’ clock.”

“Wait what?” Twilight turned to her right, immediately regretting her decision as a pair of breasts even larger than hers slammed right into her face as their owner began word-vomiting a wave of pink prose all over the street.

“OhhitheremynameisPinkiePieandIdon’tthinkI’veeverseenyoubeforewhichisfunnybecauseIknowaaaaallllthepeopleintownandallofthemaremyfriendsandohmigoshIneedtomakesurethatyourWelcometoPonyvillepartyisredybytonight!”

The whole time this girl was babbling, Twilight was trying to be good natured and listen, but then her eyebrow started twitching more and more violently as no end seemed to be in sight for the girl that didn’t appear to need to breathe. It was inevitable that she said what she said next. “GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!!” she screeched.

Pinkie Pie immediately drew back, a little startled, but still smiling. She booped Twilight on the nose and waggled her finger, “Wow, someone’s a bit of a potty mouth~! Anyway, bye for now~” And with that, Pinkie disappeared in a cloud of vaguely sugar-smelling dust.

“What the fuck just happened?” Alucard asked. “And now that’s two women I know with tits bigger than Tia’s.” He started considering the pros and cons of groping that ball of energy the next time he saw her.

“Don’t even think about groping her, Alucard. You’ll probably get a contact high from whatever drug she’s taking to be that manic.” Twilight stood and brushed herself off, taking out her list once more. “Okay, so after we get to the library, the first thing on the list is the weather. Seems the head of the local weather team is one… Rainbow Dash. Wow, already she sounds like a lesbian and oh gods that sounds like something you would say dammit.” She slapped her face a few times and continued walking, ignoring the strange looks the townsfolk were giving her. After a few minutes of walking Twilight came across the biggest tree she had ever seen, the whole thing being larger than a four story building.

“Holy crap that’s a big tree,” Spike muttered, striding up to it and knocking on the wood. “Huh, it even feels alive. That’s… man, the things those terrans can build, huh?”

Twilight nodded, taking in the various doors and windows built into the tree as she unlocked the front door and placed her suitcase inside. “Okay, that’s done. Now… I guess weather check. It’s supposed to be clear for the Celebration tomorrow…”

Alucard looked skyward. “Lazy weather crew isn’t doing anything. Probably off fucking or something.” A rainbow blur slammed into him and knocked him to the ground, his hand landing on a chest. “Dude. Get off me and watch where the fuck you’re going.”

“Excuse me!?” a feminine voice cried out, the rainbow blur backflipping off of Alucard and into the air, wings flapping angrily, “I’m a girl jackass!”

Alucard sat up and got a good look at her. “Rainbow hair, aerial… You Rainbow Dash?” He then noticed her chest, his hand twitching at the memory as he saw a distinct lack of curves. Chuckling, he soon broke out in full blown mocking laughter. “Your chest is so fucking flat! You’re like a negative A-cup!”

“Shut the fuck up you jackass I’m aerodynamic!” Rainbow cried out, hugging her chest defensively. Twilight facepalmed and kicked Alucard in the face before turning to Rainbow.

“Sorry about my companion… he’s a bit… how should I say…. he’s a bit of a total fucking idiot. Anyway, are you the captain of the weather team?”

“The one and only!” Rainbow said with pride. “Name’s Rainbow Dash, best and fastest flier in the world, and future captain of the Wonderbolts!”

“Wonderbolts are never gonna take you!” Alucard jeered from the ground. “They’ll be like, ‘she has no tit drag! She has an unfair advantage!’”

“SHUT IT, ASSHOLE!!!” Dash screamed before doing a mach 2 piledrive into the vampire king.

“Ah… And there’s the release…” Alucard moaned.

“Sicko!” Dash snapped as she flew back to Twilight, huffing. “How do you stand that guy?!”

“I don’t.” came the flat reply. Twilight shook her head, “Anyway, what’s with all these clouds? Shouldn’t the weather team have, I don’t know, cleared them out or something?” She pulled out her list and waved it. “Says clearly right here: Clear skies for sunrise. And honestly, I can’t see how you’re going to pull off a successful Summer Sun Celebration if you can’t even have the weather right.”

Dash’s eyes narrowed as she frowned. “I could clear this sky in ten seconds flat.” She crossed her arms over her chest, partly to keep Alucard from staring.

Twilight crossed her arms as well and smirked, “Prove it.”

Dash grinned and vanished in a blur of motion, the cloud cover vanishing rapidly all over town. True to her word, Rainbow was back in place ten seconds later with the sky’s completely clear. “Ten. Seconds. Flat.” Her voice dripped with pride. “I’d never leave Ponyville hanging.”

“Good job, Miss Dash.” Twilight checked off the weather on her list and booted Alucard to get him moving, “Okay, next thing is…. town hall decorations.” Twilight immediately began walking away, staring at her map and offering Rainbow Dash the barest of goodbye waves.

Dash followed her a bit. “Don’t call me Miss. Makes me sound old. Call me Dash. Or Rainbow. Either one’s fine.” She laughed a bit. “Can’t wait to hang out some more. Just as long as the sicko isn’t there.”

“I resemble that remark, lesbian!” Alucard retorted from behind them.

“Fuck you!” Dash yelled at him before flying off.

“Gladly!” Alucard called after her, giggling like a loon.

Twilight just grabbed Alucard’s collar and began dragging him towards Town Hall, where a rather fashionable woman was telekinetically hanging streamers and banners around and inside of the hall.

“Beautiful…” Spike mumbled.

“Eh. I’ve seen better,” Alucard said with a shrug.

“Quiet you two,” Twilight snapped, walking up to her fellow purple-head. “Hello there, would you happen to be one Miss Rarity Belle? I’m the current overseer for the Summer Sun Celebration here in Ponyville and I need to discuss the state of the decorations with you.”

“Just a moment, dear,” she answered in an upper class accent. “I’m in the zone, as it were.” She looked over the various ribbons she had and finally made her choice. “A simple must for the occasion. Now how can I help you-AAAAAAHHHH!!!” A pair of hands had found their way to her breasts.

“Slightly smaller than Twilight’s,” Alucard noted idly as he fondled the fashionista.

“UNHAND ME, YOU RUFFIAN!!!” Rarity screeched as she floored Alucard with a martial arts take down and stomped on his crotch with her three inch stiletto heels.

Twilight winced, sure it was justified, but stomping in stiletto heels was absolutely terrible for a person’s feet. “You’re going to regret that later, miss. I would know… I’ve done that exact same stomp before...”

“Worth it to teach this ruffian how to treat a lady!” Rarity seethed before fixing her hair. “So. How can I help you, Miss… AAAAHHH!!! My stars! Darling! What happened to your skin?!” She looked on Twilight’s pale complexion in horror.

Twilight looked down at herself in confusion, “Uh… I… don’t go out at all usually?” At this point, splotches of red could be seen dotting Twilight’s skin, evidence that she had been under the sun for far too long already. “Oh, and I think I’m starting to burn.”

“That simply will not do!” Rarity said, grabbing her arm and summoning a parasol for her to shield herself from the sun with. “We simply must get you some ointment and sunscreen.” She led her out of the building toward her boutique while Spike dragged Alucard behind them, the vampire clearly in bliss at having his junk abused like that.

Meanwhile, Schrodinger stepped back behind a bush and checked his camera again before disappearing, chuckling to himself.

Twilight barely protested, already feeling the sting of the burns making themselves apparent, “I- uh, I hardly think this is necessary, Miss Belle… Shouldn’t you be working on the decorations for town hall?”

“I had just finished when you arrived,” Rarity said as she rubbed a special lotion onto Twilight’s skin to sooth her. “Besides, I must address this fabulosity problem of yours, my darling.” She spread more lotion over Twilight’s shoulder blades. “A woman with your complexion has to be careful about too much exposure. You want to build up a healthy tan, not burn yourself alive.”

“.... I don’t tan and I haven’t tanned since I was five years old,” Twilight groused, reading over one of the few fiction novels she brought with her to pass the time.

“Well then make sure you wear sunblock when you go out on a bright day like this. You should be alright on overcast days though,” Rarity said. “Now where did you say you came from?”

“Canterlot.” Twilight kept her eyes trained on her book, ignoring the fact that Alucard was probably going to grope her topless chest at some point.

“Canterlot?!” Rarity asked in excitement. “Oh I’m so envious! The glamour! The sophistication! I have always dreamed of living there! I can’t wait to hear all about it! We’re going to be best friends, you and I.” While her back was turned, Alucard had phased over and grabbed Twilight’s bare knockers.

“... Dammit Alucard, let go.” Twilight bonked Alucard on the head with her book repeatedly, not wanting to cause a scene by raising her voice.

“We’ll have more time later, sugarlips,” Alucard teased as he let go, taking a moment to steal a kiss from his master before going back to his seat.

“...Dammit Alucard…” Twilight blushed and dropped her face into her hands. Meanwhile, Spike made a gagging motion before rolling his glowing magenta eyes and continuing to fawn over Rarity.

Rarity turned back around and continued applying lotion. “Are you alright, darling? And who is your cute little dragon friend?” She gave Spike a radiant smile.

Spike swooned and, somehow, blushed a furious crimson, “I-I’m Spike, beautiful…”

Rarity giggled. “Oh you’re so adorable, Spike. And such a gentleman. My name is Rarity.”

“N-nice to meet you…” Spike blushed some more while Twilight giggled in the background. The teenaged-looking draco-lich shot an annoyed glance at his pseudo-mother and huffed.

Twilight continued giggling, throwing in a, “I think someone’s in love~”

“Dangit mom!” Spike muttered, clapping a hand to his face.

Alucard laughed. “I’m with sugarlips on this one, Spike. You’re in love!”

“I’LL BURN YOU ALIVE YOU UNDEAD PIECE OF SHIT!” Spike roared ineffectually, leaping at Alucard and whacking him over the head repeatedly.

“Spike! Language!” Twilight scolded over Alucard’s mocking laughter as he let Spike hit him a few times before pushing him back to Twilight’s side with a finger.

“Maybe in a century or two, Spike,” Alucard mocked.

Spike grumbled in irritation before turning away to sulk. Twilight chuckled a few times, then turned back to Rarity, “Anyway, thanks for the aloe and the sunscreen, but we really must get going. We still have the rest of the preparations to check on.”

“Drop in any time you need lotion or ointment, darling,” Rarity said with a friendly smile. “And keep the parasol. You need it more than I do.” Leaning down, she gave Spike a small kiss on the forehead.

Spike’s blush could have rivalled his flames in its intensity.

Twilight smiled and nodded, “Anytime, Rarity. Anyway, Spike, pick your jaw off the floor and maybe we can get in a late lunch. We have to check the catering.”

“R-right…. later, beautiful,” Spike reluctantly followed Twilight out the door, continuing to give Rarity wistful glances as he left.

“Howdy there, pardner! Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres, home of the best apples in all a’ Equestria! Ah’m Applejack!” came the exuberant voice of a rather tall, blonde woman, who came strutting down the path that Twilight and company found themselves on.

Alucard looked Applejack over and noted she was a good bit taller than his master. “Hm… Tits are clearly smaller than boss’ and the fashion babe. But that ass… Those thighs…” Vanishing from sight, Alucard’s hand slapped onto Applejack’s ass and squeezed it.

“Whoa there!” Applejack jumped in surprise before glaring at Alucard and kicking him in the face with enough force to knock all the apples from an apple tree.

Schrodinger peered out from a bush and thought to himself, ‘What an oddly specific vay to describe a kick...’

Shut up and go back to killing those vampires the military found you spacetime-fucking loon.

Schrodinger smirked, took a picture of the scene, and vanished once again.

Twilight sighed in exasperation, “Alucard do you have to grope every single woman you meet? Honestly, that’s what got you restraining orders from literally three quarters of every single noble house in Canterlot.” Spike sniggered at the sight of Alucard getting kicked in the face.

Alucard groaned in pleasure as his shattered jaw pulled itself together and snapped back into place. “Nice kick, sweetcheeks. Sweet ass on ya too. And them thighs…” He moved faster than the eye could see again and licked one of AJ’s inner thighs. “Awesome thighs.”

“Back off ya varmint!” Applejack cried, grabbing Alucard’s throat and executing a textbook chokeslam, crushing the No-Life King into the dirt. In Twilight’s mind, bells rung and she mentally handed Applejack a large, golden belt and proclaimed her this year’s EWE champion.

Alucard groaned as his huge bulge poked into Applejack’s belly. “Oh you dirty bitch! Work the shaft!” He started dry humping her belly.

“Ah said, BACK OFF!” Applejack proceeded to pick Alucard up, twirl him around, and throw him like an oversized dart…. straight into the side of an old, beat up barn over two hundred meters away. She huffed and dusted off her hands while Twilight and Spike took the time to pick up their jaws (Literally in Spike’s case).

Alucard’s voice carried from the barn in a satisfied moan that indicated an amazing orgasm. “Ah… Houston. We have noooo problems…” After he left the barn, poor Apple Bloom entered and was traumatized by the sight of a wall covered in vampire spunk.

“Damn dirty varmint…” Applejack muttered, crossing her arms. “Now Ah don’ s’pose y’all’re anythin’ like that darn fella over in mah old barn, are ya?”

Twilight shook her head, “Thankfully no. Unfortunately, he just doesn’t go away. And… well, he’s a huge sadomasochist so you beating him up is just making things worse.”

Applejack pulled a face and shook her head, “Anyway, what brings y’all over t’mah humble abode?”

“Well, we’re here as the Royal Overseers for the Summer Sun Celebra-eep!”

Alucard had phased behind Twilight and groped her while hugging her. “Sugarlips and I are checking on the foodstuff. Now where are your condemned criminals? I require blood. I’ll also take 100% uncooked beef still dripping with the life blood of the cow it came from.”

“....... Ah’m sorry, what did y’all say ya needed?” Applejack was now thoroughly disturbed by Alucard, slowly backing away from the sexually deviant psycho in front of her.

Twilight, meanwhile, blasted Alucard into the dirt and ran damage control. “I-ignore him, he’s an idiot! But yes, we’re here to check on the catering for the Celebration. Would you happen to have any samples left?”

Applejack immediately perked up and checked her watch, “Yer darn tootin’! It’s a little late, but we sure got enough for a few more people! C’mon, Miss, we was just ‘bout ta have a late lunch!”

With that, Twilight found herself dragged over to a large, open field absolutely covered in tables of food. Applejack had picked up a large bell and belted out, “SOUP’S ON EVERYBODY!”

With the horde of people that came stampeding in, Twilight only had one thought on her mind:

‘This is going to be either delicious or it’s going to suck so hard.’

‘I was wrong. It was both.’ Twilight groaned and attempted to keep her distended stomach from violently emptying itself in the middle of the street.

Alucard wrapped his arms around Twilight as they walked and gently rubbed her belly. “Almost like we’re expecting a kid, sugarlips.”

Twilight weakly pushed Alucard back, “I swear to the gods that I don’t believe in, Alucard, I will vomit all over you.”

Spike, meanwhile, picked the remnants of a turkey from his teeth, silently questioning just where the hell did the food even go?

“Sugarlips,” Alucard started. “Spike has no stomach, right? So how does he digest food?”

“Short answer: He doesn’t. Long answer: I wired in a complex spell matrix into Spike’s soul orb that basically takes incoming food and converts half of it first into mana, which substitutes in for Spike’s life energy, then the remaining half is converted into raw organic matter, which is evenly distributed through Spike’s body to simulate growth over time.” Twilight lectured, barely able to walk from the sheer amount of food in her belly.

“Oh… so that’s what happens…” Spike mumbled, poking at the hard, invisible shell encompassing the glowing orb in his empty chest cavity.

“I didn’t want a boring lecture, sugarlips,” Alucard groaned. “So where’s the music chick?”

Twilight checked her list, cross referenced the address on her map, and nodded, “Her name is Fluttershy and she lives on the edge of town, close to… holy moly the Everfree Forest. Wow. Girl must have nerves of steel.”

She began walking, slowly taking in the sights of Ponyville’s slowly winding down market. A few times, she thought she saw a head of either pink or blond-with-cat-ears hair in her vision, but whenever she turned to look, she saw nothing but the regular townsfolk.

Alucard looked around and saw the cat ears. “Schrodinger stop spying on us! It’s creepy!”

“Shit shit shit!” The cat ears permanently disappeared from view.

Twilight looked back at Alucard, confused, “What was that, Alucard?”

“Some boygirl I know,” Alucard shrugged. “Haven’t seen him for a while. He pops up now and then.”

“....Okay then.” Twilight turned back to the path, crossing the little bridge connected to the path up to Fluttershy’s cottage. From somewhere off the side of the cottage, strangely uniform and melodic birdsong rang out, forming the bars of Marezart’s Eine Kleine Pferdmusik.

“Huh, haven’t heard that one in a while,” Twilight mumbled, following the source of the sound to a particular tree full of birds and a hovering Aerial with… “Holy crap how the fuck does she not have a broken spine!?” Twilight clapped a hand over her mouth, barely able to keep her interjection at a mutter.

Alucard was positively salivating at the sight of this new girl’s rack. Even from a distance he could tell that she was bigger than both Twilight and Celestia by several cup sizes. He started slowly creeping forward, his hands twitching. “I just gotta find out how big her tits are. Are they real? Are they soft? Are they perky? I gotta know!” Phasing into the air behind her silently, he closed his fingers around the prizes. The huge knockers made bouncing sounds with every squeeze. “Oh yeah, baby. All natural MMM37. You’ve got the biggest titties I’ve ever seen on a woman.”

“ALUCARD NO!” Twilight screeched in fury while Fluttershy froze in fear, almost fainting from where she stood, blushing furiously at the feeling of Alucard groping her.

Alucard slowly licked Fluttershy’s neck as his bulge pressed into her shapely ass. “You ma’am, Fluttershy, are very sexy. I’m surprised the men aren’t beating each other into the ground to date you.”

Fluttershy began whimpering, whispering, “Bad touch bad touch bad touch,” over and over under her breath as she began tearing up. Twilight reacted immediately, pulling Alucard from behind Fluttershy and beating him over the head.

“You idiot! Can’t you see that you’re scaring the crap out of her!? By the gods I think you made her think that you were going to rape her!” Twilight screamed, altogether too furious at Alucard to stop hitting him with absolutely every pain curse she had in her repertoire.

Alucard endured the curses and slowly walked toward Fluttershy, seeing how upset the poor girl was. “Miss Fluttershy? I wish to apologize for the distress I’ve caused you. Please forgive me.” His tone was sincere, the sort he normally only showed to his master.

Fluttershy shrank back a little, nervously glancing at Alucard, “I-it’s a-alright… I-I was just startled….”

Alucard gave her a small smile. “You truly are beautiful, Miss Fluttershy.” He lifted a hand to his chest and bowed. “My name is Alucard. With me is my master, Twilight Sparkle, and her aide, Spike. We have been sent by Princess Celestia to oversee preparation for the Summer Sun Celebration. Your music is quite lovely.”

“O-oh… t-thank you…” Fluttershy blushed and shyly played with her hair, fidgeting in place. “W-well… we’ve just about worked out our routine for the Celebration… so I think that we’re all set with the music…” Fluttershy looked at her avian friends, who all tittered in reassurance that, yes, we have this, human friend.

Spike tapped his chin in confusion, “Why birds, though? I mean, even if there isn’t an orchestra, surely there must be at least a few musicians in Ponyville…”

Fluttershy perked up at this, “Oh, it’s because most of the musicians here have moved out, so really I was the only one capable of getting any music for the show. Though, Miss Octavia and her friend Vinyl are just on tour for the next month…”

“Huh, makes sense,” Spike muttered. Fluttershy, in the meanwhile, had flapped over to Spike’s position and was examining him quite thoroughly.

“Wow, I’ve never seen a dragon like you before… what happened to you, though? How did you get that awful hole in your chest?” She poked around the edges of the hole, prompting Spike to giggle helplessly.

“H-hey, stop that! It tickles!” He squirmed away while Fluttershy smiled angelically, stroking Spike’s head.

Twilight stepped in with an explanation, “He’s technically not a dragon per say, but he’s actually a specially designed dragon-patterned golem that I imbued with a learning intelligence matrix and simulated growth.”

Fluttershy nodded, slightly confused but following the gist of Twilight’s explanation, “So… he’s actually just a golem?”

“An organic one, but yes.”

“Fascinating…”

“She created him when she was 15,” Alucard said, putting an arm around Twilight’s shoulder. “I watched her do it. It was quite interesting to watch.”

Twilight blushed, “It wasn’t really anything all that special, just a lot of animation spells and a whole lot of explosions….” A half truth, but the truth nonetheless. Twilight still cringed at the memory of one particularly violent explosion that left her half naked in front of Alucard.

“But didn’t Celestia say it was a feat most mages your age can’t achieve?” Alucard asked, smiling at Twilight. “You are a true prodigy.”

Fluttershy smiled, noticing that, despite Alucard’s abrasive and terrifying exterior, he genuinely did care for the woman who served as his master. “That does sound impressive,” she stated, still marvelling at the texture of Spike’s scales, “he really does seem almost alive… he even has a heartbeat.”

“I-it was nothing really!” Twilight, despite being a recognized prodigy in all things arcane and scientific, had never actually been good at receiving praise and it showed.

Spike snorted, “I wouldn’t call my birth exactly nothing, mom.”

“He’s right you know, master,” Alucard chided, joining in the teasing.

“You guys….” Twilight whined.

The sun had set but for a few minutes when Twilight and company had finally made it back to the library. Twilight unlocked the door and stepped inside, fumbling around for the light switch before…

“SURPRISE!”

Alucard drew Casull and Jackal in surprise as he jumped in front of Twilight, ready to protect her. The assembled townspeople of Ponyville ignored Alucard’s protective stance however, and began milling about as the party began, with Pinkie Pie rushing forward to re-introduce herself to Twilight.

“Hey there Twilight! Sorry I ran off earlier but I just had to get everything ready for your ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party!” Pinkie bounced exuberantly in place, making Twilight wonder just how much sugar the pinkette had already consumed.

Alucard holstered his guns and phased behind Pinkie, grabbing her breasts and making comparisons. “Bigger than Twilight and Tia. Can’t hold a candle to Fluttershy though.”

Pinkie giggled and patted Alucard on the head, “I know right? Fluttershy is so big it makes me want to call her Hootershy sometimes! But she wouldn’t like that, so I don’t. Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie, what’s your name?”

“I’m the one and only Crimson Fucker! Also known as Alucard,” the vampire introduced. “And do you mind if I call you Titty Pie?”

Pinkie waggled a finger, “Only if there’s no kids around! But there’s a few kids around here right now so keep it rated PG, okay Alucard?”

Alucard laughed. “I think you and I are gonna be best friends, Pinkie Pie.” He ground against her and leaned closer to her ear. “Want to ditch the party and find out what I can really do later?” he asked in a husky tone before licking her neck.

Pinkie’s smile dipped fractionally as she whispered in Alucard’s ear, “Sorry, hun, but I don’t put out on the first date. Buuuut~ if I really like you, you might get a second~!”

“Is that a challenge, Pinkie?” Alucard asked. “Actually, I’d like to talk to you about something in private.”

“Okay~ But hold on a second, alright?” Pinkie skipped away and slapped a new record down, allowing her to leave the party without fear that it might die down while she was away. “So what did you want to talk about?” she asked, pulling Alucard into the much quieter second floor.

Alucard looked down at where Twilight was and removed his shades. “Well… It’s about my master.”

“Ohoho~ I get it! You’re in loooove~!” Pinkie bounced happily and hugged Alucard, “and you want my advice, right?”

Alucard nodded and never took his gaze off Twilight. “Yes. Despite how I act toward her and all women I meet… I am in love with her.”

Pinkie Pie’s face grew serious as she took Alucard’s hand in hers, “Look, Ally, the best thing you can do is follow your heart and do what you think is best to win her over. I’ve seen the way you two act around each other and I can tell that, even if she doesn’t love you now, she definitely likes you enough to try. Remember that, and if you play your cards right, you’ll get your happy ending, okay?”

“You really think she’s willing to try?” Alucard asked. “Can I swear you to secrecy in what I’m about to admit?”

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Pinkie followed through the motions, binding her in an oath just as powerful as any magical contract. “I Pinkie Promise to not tell anyone what you’re about to say, Ally.”

Alucard nodded. “The truth is… Part of me is afraid that even if she cares enough to try having a deeper relationship with me, that she wouldn’t be able to love me. Humans aren’t known for being able to love monsters.”

Pinkie looked confused, “What do you mean, Ally? Why do you call yourself a monster?”

“Because that’s what I am,” Alucard said. “I am a monster. A creature of such weakness that I could not hold back my bloodlust. Without the life blood of others to keep me going, I would shamble to a halt. Such is a vampire’s curse.” He looked her in the eye. “When I first met her, she was fleeing from bullies that wanted to hurt her for becoming Celestia’s pupil. Her blood set me free from my stone prison and bound me to her. I have protected her all these years. Those same bullies broke into her home when she was thirteen with the intent to murder her, and I butchered them without mercy or regret.” His face fell and became sorrowful. “I am a monster in his cage… And my master, the woman I’ve grown to love, holds the key. I would slaughter enough people to fill an ocean of blood if I thought it would make her happy.”

Pinkie Pie sat quietly in thought, trying to come up with the best way to phrase things, “W-well, even if you are a vampire, and you’ve k-killed so many people… that last sentence… you would do anything for her, wouldn’t you?”

Alucard slowly nodded. “I would. I would kill for her. I would even die for her if it came to that.”

Pinkie Pie smiled gently, “And she hasn’t left you behind yet, has she? She’s never once told you that she hated you, right? Well, never meant it, right?”

Alucard couldn’t help chuckling. “I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve sexually harassed her ever since she hit her teenage years. Somehow I can tell that no matter what she says about hating me… she doesn’t mean a word of it.” He lightly smiled. “I’m actually a rather bad influence on her.”

Pinkie’s smile grew, “I can tell you two are gonna be juuuuust fine. Just be true to her and yourself, and never let anything stop you from loving her like you do. So go out there and get the girl Ally!”

Alucard smiled at her. “We truly are going to be good friends, you and I.” He put his shades back on and started heading back downstairs to rejoin the party.

Pinkie smiled brightly and skipped down the stairs rejoining the party as if she’d never left. Twilight, meanwhile, stared at Alucard, “You didn’t just go have sex with Pinkie, did you?”

Alucard chuckled. “She doesn’t put out on the first date, master. No. We just had a little heart to heart.”

“If that’s all it was, then fine.” Twilight went back to awkwardly standing by the punch table while Spike… where was Spike?

“Dancing with zhe ladies, Mr Narrator.”

Thank you Schrodinger.

“Ja.”

Spike was dancing in a group of ladies, clearly trying to impress some of them, though they only fawned over how adorable he was. Twilight didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was only making himself look like a particularly well trained pet.

Alucard laughed and started mingling himself, dancing in the heart of the dance floor with a wide grin. “Great party, Pinkie Pie!” He reached out and grabbed Twilight’s hand, pulling her onto the dance floor.

“Alucard no! I can’t dance!” Twilight panicked, the last time she had danced without a heartsong phenomenon happening, she managed to make her dance coach vomit in disgust.

“Just follow my lead, boss,” Alucard said as he started leading her through a more energetic version of the waltz.

Twilight yelped and helplessly followed Alucard’s lead, somehow managing to not screw over the dance with her two metaphorical left feet.

Alucard kept grinning as he led her through the dance. “See, boss? It’s easy if you have the right teacher.” He leaned closer and put his mouth by her ear. “Ignore everyone else, master. Just look at me.”

Twilight blushed and stared into Alucard’s eyes, losing herself in the dance and those bloody red orbs with their hidden depths.

Alucard stared right back into her eyes as they danced, letting himself descend into their magenta depths.

Pinkie Pie jittered in place at the sidelines, grinning so wide that even the people that knew her best were confused. At some point, she had switched out the record for a romantic track and cleared the dance floor of everyone but the dancing pair.

Schrodinger enjoyed a cupcake while standing beside Pinkie. “Such a pretty couple, don’t you zink?”

Pinkie sighed and placed her hand on her cheek, “It’s like the sweetest cupcake I’ve ever baked…”

Slowly, the track wound down, and Twilight’s and Alucard’s motions slowed, until they were left just holding each other and staring into each others’ eyes.

“Your eyes burn with beauty, master…” Alucard breathed in a low voice only she could hear.

Twilight blushed and whispered, “Your eyes… I could just stare forever…”

Around them, the crowd watched with baited breath until Spike finally blurted out, “Oh just kiss him already, mom!”

Seemingly as one, master and servant slowly turned their heads, neck muscles near audibly creaking, to stare unblinkingly at the young draco-lich.

“....shit.” Spike muttered, turning around and all but sprinting out the window amidst a spray of broken glass and shattered wood.

Schrodinger leaned to whisper to Pinkie. “Too early in zhe story for zheir first real lovers kiss.”

Pinkie nodded in agreement. “Yes indeedie,” she whispered back.

Twilight turned back to Alucard and cleared her throat awkwardly, blushing furiously, “Eheh.. it’s… it’s getting late and I wanna get some sleep before the sunrise… I uh… I’m going to go to bed…” With that, she teleported away in a bright flash of magenta, leaving the crowd stunned and disappointed.

Alucard looked up to the second story and smiled. “Sweet dreams, Twilight,” he muttered under his breath.

The moments before the scheduled sunrise were rife with anticipation, the citizens of Ponyville all but rioting in their need to see their glorious solar princess raise the sun. Finally, a mere five minutes before the sunrise, Fluttershy’s birds began chirping out a rousing fanfare while Mayor Mare took the podium and announced to the town, “And now ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…. Please give a warm welcome to Princess Celestia!”

Alucard was grinning as he held Twilight close to him, his shades and hat in place while his right hand held her parasol for her. “Don’t want you burning again, sugarlips,” he whispered to her.

Twilight blushed, but smiled in thanks, looking to the stage and eagerly awaiting the arrival of her beloved mentor.

A minute passed, and tension immediately sprung up among the crowd. Was this a practical joke? “Tia! Are you back there?! I know you like pranks but your subjects are getting a little nervous!” Alucard called.

Someone cried out from behind the curtains onstage, “She’s gone! We can’t find her anywhere!”

“Zhe plot thickens,” Schrodinger said from the buffet table before eating a slice of cake as he waited for the proverbial fireworks to start.

Twilight began panicking, “Oh no oh no oh no… what happened to Princess Celestia? This isn’t good, not good at…. hey, is it just me or is the moon getting a lot brighter?”

Spike looked up, shielding his eyes from the silvery glow, “Not just you… and it looks like there’s four stars heading toward the thing too… Also, might just be me… but the Mare in the Moon looks… really omino- Holy crap the Mare in the Moon just vanished!”

Twilight looked up at the moon, a sinking feeling rising in her gut. “Oh no… that old legend was true….”

A cloud of blue mist formed upon the stage, lightning crackling in and around it as it twisted into an iridescent tornado full of stars. A cackle rang out through the town hall as the room darkened into near total blackness.

The tornado cleared, and a pale woman stood, decked out in a sleek, armored dress with a moon sigil printed upon it. She looked at the crowd with her slit-pupiled teal eyes and grinned, fangs poking out from between her lips.

“Oh my precious subjects… it’s been far too long since I’ve seen your sun-loving faces…”

Her supposed to be dramatic entrance and speech was ruined by one shocked voice. “Oh shit! Is that Luna?!”

Author's Note

Aerial: humanized pegasi

Terran: humanized earth ponies