A Mess of Titanic Porportion

It was so nice to be back in the empire; as I walked back to the castle, the idol tucked under my arm, I felt like not-

"Excuse me Mr. Minister." A guard just ran around me to the castle. Well, who set his tail on fire? As I got closer to the castle, I saw guards pouring out of every orifice of the castle. Great, what did you do this time mason? I plucked a guard out of the crowd, and held him up to my face

"Oi, what's going on?"

"The Emperor just scrambled the ponies." This sounds familiar...

I placed the guard back on the ground before flying up to the balcony. "Mason, why are the ponies scrambled?" He was leaning back in the throne.

"Get some sleep, we have a big day tomorrow."

"What do you mean? What have you done this time?" He tsked me,

"Why is it that when something happens, its always my fault? Not this time. This time, its actually YOUR fault."

"If we're talking about the passport incident, yeah." He was quiet for a moment.

"What's this about a passport?"

"Later" He shook his head.

"The Equestrians somehow learned about your visit to the gryphon lands, they are not happy. And not just that, They have decreed a 'world summit' to be held. We have to go."

"Where is it being held?"

"Take a guess." Screw you Sunbutt... not literally.

"...Can we bring guards?"

"Don't know, the show rarely had any, and the summons said nothing. I have several dremora on hand; if you want to bring some, I wont complain." We can't base things off the show anymore. "Get some sleep Kenny, I'll see you at dawn."

I awoke to the feeling of a hot liquid being poured on my face. I instantly instinctively punched the closest object and heard something fling across the room. "Mason, that you?"

"Hey, your helmet really does protect well." Of course it does.

"The hell did you dump on me?"

"not important, lets go."

"I have things I need to do in the morning."

"Get them done quickly." And so I did. I ate a handful of loafs of bread, I pissed, and I washed my face before flexing in the mirror; though not exactly in that order.

"Alright, I'm ready numbskull" Mason looked at me, and rubbed some dirt off my helmet.

"... Don't touch me." He then proceeded to poke me several times whist muttering the word touch. "How are you going to get there?" He replied by walking outside, disappearing in a swirling purple vortex, and appearing my size. "...right, forgot about that."

After an hour of flying to the border, carrying mason, we finally made it... and was stopped by a guard. "Stop, this is a no fly zone, I need to see your passport and ask you to walk while here." This guy still has balls.

"We have a summons" Mason held up the paper.

"...Alright, just walk while your here and we wont have a problem, would you like an escort?"

"Yes" And so we walked to the lonely mountain of Equestria, our escort trying to keep up, and me trying to work the machine again. I will admit, I hate being small, but, it is necessary right now. "Mason, carry the escort, would you."

I finally got the machine working as I got to the city. lucky timing. I tried to make myself at least 10'10, but all I could make myself was just a little taller than discord was, or at least I think it was. Checking my helmet, I saw that it was only 8:10, that bastard woke me up at six! I wonder when the meeting takes place. Making it through the hallways, we came to a large set of golden doors, in fact, I'm sure a dragon could comfortably walk through these! I leaned over to mason and whispered, "Do you think their compensating for something?" I thought I heard the door guards snicker, but I'm sure I didn't. Pushing open the doors, we saw on the throne, the luminescent white coat and yellow stained ass of sunbutt. She seemed to notice us and glared. "Your highness, Prime Minister." I nodded, and mason gave a half-bow. "Your early."

"we didn't get a time."

"Actually, we did. I just didn't know how long it would take to get here." Ah, that makes sense. "So, just you today? Not your sister?" Celestias glare deepened.

"I doubt she would enjoy seeing you again." Touchy.

"She's a princess, she doesn't have to like us. Its her job"

"You are a guest here, you will not make demands of us." I just held up my hands.

"I demand nothing."

"Could we at least get chairs?" We both just stared at mason, I snapped my fingers and pointed to the far wall.

"Corner, now." I think I deserved that one finger salute.

In the midst of another glaring contest, the doors slammed open and some heavy steps came in. "PRINCESS. WHY YOU CALL US HERE. WHAT IMPORTANT."

"Yaks, really?"

"Shut up and just watch"

Fuck.

"WHAT THIS THING? WHY METAL THING HERE?" Weighing my options, I spoke,

"Ahem, METAL THING, CRYSTAL DIPLOMAT, HERE FOR TALK" Please don't end like luna, Please don't end like luna, Please don't end like luna.

"METAL THING NO TALK PERFECT LIKE YAKISTAN, MAKE US ANGRY!" The yaks just started rampaging around the throne room. I looked back to Celestia, who looks more disappointed in me than anything else. I walked up to her and whispered,

"You are my adversary, don't expect any better from me until this blows over." She glared at me.

"Fine," Her glare turned into a smirk... I don't like that smirk, "Two can play at that game." I nodded.

"MAKE THAT FOUR!" We turned to the corner where mason was leaning, where mason and, luna? when did she get here? were sitting. "You forget, I can read lips!" We just stared at them. Soon after, the doors slammed open again, I turned to celestia.

"Seriously, what is with people and slamming your doors?"

"Don't ask" And through came a minotaur in a fancy tie.

"Iron Will's the name, Diplomacy is my game" He gave a thumbs up to a wall where no one was.

"WAIT! I thought training ponies was your game?" Really mason?

"Yes, well, its uh, Never mind that! Iron Will's here to represent Iron will's home!" I turned to celestia, and while staring her in the eyes, moved my hand to slap my face. We waited anther hour before a guard came in with a letter. Apparently, the Zebra's couldn't make it, and the dragons couldn't be bothered to show up. Typical dragons.

We all sat down at another round table, I shall call this the table of friendship 2: the ripoffening, Celestia and I were sitting on opposite ends of the table, mason and luna sat to the left, playing cards, and the minotaur to the right, straightening his tie and flexing his muscles; and finally the ya- "WHY THESE PONY CHAIRS SO SMALL!"

"Just sit down damnit." we all say simultaneously.

"So, I assume we all know why we are here?" Iron will and the yaks muttered something that sounded like an agreement. I would say something when I felt mason kick me and say telepathically,

"The video" Ah, right. gotcha. I stood up,

"Actually, I would like to begin the discussions with a video, to relax the nerves and sooth the mind." Celestia and luna looked confused, but Iron Will and the Yaks agreed. "Please look at that wall" I then projected the video from my helmet.

"PONIES OF THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE! I GIVE YOU ONE CHOICE, SIDE WITH THESE USERPERS, AND BE DECLARED ENEMIES OF THE EMPIRE. OR SIDE WITH US, YOUR RULERS AND SAVIORS FROM SOMBRA, HELP TO TAKE BACK YOUR HOME! After several minutes of emptiness, and a tumbleweed rolling passed, "WOW, YOU ALL ARE JACKASSES. AT LEAST WAVE YOUR HOOF IF YOU SUPPORT ME!", at that moment, every hoof in the empire was stuck out the windows, and waved.

"Wow, Iron Will feels bad for you."

"in other words, give up or die. I give you to the count of three to march back to your room, or else!" I yell pointing to the doors. Luna's face alone was priceless. "ONE" They took a step back from the intensity of my voice. "Two" Celestia hardened her face. "Three" ... and luna bolted to the door.

"Why did you have to show that" Luna had her head in her hooves, as red as the video. Mason put a hand on her back.

"So, whats going to happen now?" Oh, yea, make that six of us. The princesses perked up at his voice.

"He is still technically dead."

"Who is?" Celestia just shook her head and sighed.

"All present at this table, say aye, or something." I say as I glared at celestia. I will not forget what you've done.

"Aye, or something" I reached over and hit mason on the backside of his head, "ow fucker."

"Aye." Luna didn't have as much conviction as she did last time, still with some sparks jumping out of her mane.

"Here" Cadence spoke next, still wearing a blanket. I glared at Celestia, daring her to do it again.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Present" My fist smashed the table in front of me, "... I meant aye." she quietly muttered

"Please don't show any more" Wait, Does this count as Celestia begging? Masons face went deadpan again.

"If you'll excuse me." And he left. I took off my helmet an kept it projecting before leaving myself... and watching from a crack in the door.

"Time for the personal punishment." Luna looked nervous, whereas celestia continued to look indignant.

""Oh no.""

When the video ended we walked back in, well, I walked in; mason, took a few more minutes. All focus was on the yaks, who haven't reacted yet, "Wow, you are all assholes." Just about every jaw in the room dropped to the ground. I turned to mason,

"I expected this," turning back to the group, "I think now is a good time to get back to discussions." Lunas head was firmly on the table, and celestia just looked defeated. I win, so what is this? 11 to 1?

"R-right." Celestia sat back up, "We are here to discuss you forceful annexation of the gryphon lands, an Equestrian Protectorate."

"I call bullshit!"

"HEY! Don't talk about Iron Wills feces like that!"

"I apologize, I did not mean yours, its just a saying. Either way, the gryphon lands was not, is not, and never will be an Equestrian protectorate. Secondly, I was there to establish a trade agreement with them."

"And yet, you found the idol of boreus, which was said to reside in the abysmal abyss, so, why were you in that abyss?"

"YES, WHY WAS METAL THING IN ABYSS! HOLE IN GROUND IS NO PLACE TO BE!" 11 to 2, fuck you and your smug face celestia.

"...To unite the gryphons with the idol."

"So, you went for trade, and knowingly went to find this idol, is Iron Will right?"

"Yes, it was the best way to get them to listen, else they would have ignored me."

"Thou art hard to ignore"

"...They did..." mason slammed his head on the table. "...I have it recorded..." He slammed his head on the table.

"So, ignoring the prime minister..." You bastard, "What was the point of this again?"

"stress relief Ahem, it was about the crystal Empires blatant land grabbing."

"How is this land grabbing? do you want us to annex them?"

"Well, um, what I want is not important."

"THOU CHEATS!" what now...

"Mason stop cheating"

"I'm not, she doesn't understand the rules." I now wish to conjoin my face with the implement used to hold objects.

"LIZARD CREATURE PLAYS CARD! WHY NOT INVITE US!"

"...want to join?"

"...Alright, we all know this is between me and celestia, just go for it, mom and dad are talking." They all left for another room with the deck, and I turned my attention back to celestia. "So, stress relief huh?"

"You heard that."

"I got good hearing"

"..."

"Look, we both want peace, but the way we want it is so very different. We need to talk this out, good guy Jesus style."

"Good guy who?"

"Never mind. So, can we at least put this... petty squabble behind us?" I saw her visibly flinch, poor choice of words.

"Well, very well. For the good of our citizens after all." She held up her hoof, "But this was a stalemate."

"nine in my favor princess" I say as I shook her hoof. Yes it felt as awkward as it sounded. Wait a minute,

"Wait a minute, We let mason wander the castle alone!"

"He isn't THAT bad, is he?"

"..."

"I see, lets go."