Why Humans Shouldn't be Allowed in Equestria

“So, can we get a burger on the way? I haven't eaten in... Damn, how long have I been here?”

Twilight piped up “The portal event (She refuses to say 'error' and something tells me not to push it) was four days ago.”

“Well shit. Four days... Why am I not freaked out? For sure I'll catch hell at my job, if I still have one. Guess all this is getting to me.”

“What about the food in the dungeon?”

“There was food there?”

“Yes. Hay and grass, but sufficient for the convicted.”

“...I was sleeping on it.”

“Why?”

“Humans don't eat grass.”

“So you've been eating?”

“Nothing. And I'm hungry as hell.”

“WHAT!?”

Within a couple of minutes, we were at some joint on the edge of Canterlot. We took a table on the outside. Or rather, Twilight took us to a little table on the outside, under a lamp of some kind. That got some looks on it's own, as if a hairless ape that towered over them wasn't enough. Some guy in a waistcoat and slicked-back hair (Dude looked like a used car salesman from an 80s movie) came up, and then froze. “Guess it isn't rude to stare here.” I flatly stated to Twilight.

“O-Oh! Terribly sorry. I was... distracted by... My apologies.” he stammered out, and placed menus in front of us both, with that obligatory glass of water I never drink. I smirked behind the menu, but it faded quickly as I realized that the whole thing was vegetarian. Not only that, most of it was flowers, grass, and other stuff that can't be considered 'food'. No beer either – now * that * sucked. Haven't spent this many days sober since Lent. At least they had bread, so I settled on that and hoped it wasn't a word that meant something else. Meanwhile, Twilight was studying my movements as much as she could from the other side of the menu. Not like she tried to hide it, really.

“You're a scientist of some kind?” I've been starting most of the conversations since I got here it seems. At least this won't end with a fight. Probably.

“I do research on various subjects and magical theorem. How did you know?”

“Your curiosity is showing. Still don't know about all this magic stuff. There's gonna be a long, long talk for us get what the other's about.”

Lunch went smoothly enough, with neither side saying much. Got quite a few looks from passers-by during it, but that wasn't a surprise. After I pulled out my wallet. Then I realized that it was useless here. “Well crap. My money isn't any good here, is it?” Twilight looked over a 20 dollar bill I'd gotten from the ATM well before the storm hit.

“That's money on your world? Unfortunately it's not legal tender here in Equestria.” She produced a small bag of gold coins from a saddlebag with stitching matching the picture on her rear, and put them on the table.

“You still use gold here?” I could've been more surprised, but compared to what's gone on so far this was nothing.

“Still? Your kind did in the past?”

“Yeah. Still traded, but it's not cash anymore. Not enough gold for the money going around. Kinda funny when you think about it, that this paper is worthless but we all take it anyway.”

“Is there overpopulation on your world?”

“Depends on where you go.” More staring folk. A bigger crowd than before. “Speaking of going, think it's time to get to where you were talking about? Won't be able to get through this crowd soon.”

“Oh, that won't be a problem. I know Ponyville very well, after all. We'll just teleport there.” A flash of light later she was gone. About five seconds after that she was back with another light-show. With my pants. With a burning embarrassment that no one here will know, I put them back on, being careful to not let anything under the table show.

“Guess that not working is gonna take some getting used to.” I still couldn't see anything under the fur, but I could reasonably guess that she was embarrassed too. The crowd murmured to itself over it as we got up and trekked down the road. The crowd split, and several bowed. “So the 'princess' thing is legit, eh?”

“Ponies, please. Don't grovel such on my account.” she announced with a calm smile. So they're ponies, and I'd been calling everything a horse. Guess she's the people's princess. That's a good sign.

Everyone stayed out of our way, excepting the occasional kid. One went right up to me. “Hi! You're big. Did Twilight make you?”

I leaned down on a knee to look the kid in the face. “Hi kiddo. Guess I'm big here, heh. And no, Twilight didn't make me. She brought me here from somewhere else.” As I was finishing his (I think, it's hard to tell yet.) mother came up and pulled him away, repeating apologies. “Hey, kids'll be kids, right? Not like I'm dangerous or anything.” Never had kids myself, but I almost always got along with them. Maybe not having kids is why I like them. No diapers, colds, or other assorted crap to deal with. Just the little walking truth-factories, saying what adults wish they still could. The crowd muttered their approval at the sight, and a lot of the stares softened to simple curiosity.

One notable exception stepped up, right in our way. A white pony with just a horn, a bit bigger than the rest. Yellow hair, and an expression that – even on a non-human face – screams douchebag. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, how dare you flaunt such depravities among the populace! As if deigning to let lesser ponies act like equals in your presence wasn't enough!” Yep, grade-A douchebag.

“Blueblood.” she countered with an only partially-hidden sneer. “What are you talking about?”

“Ponies, even high-class ponies saw you sitting at the couple's tables with this abomination.” That explained some of the weirder stares pretty well.

“We didn't have a reservation, and there was business to attend to.”

“Business? Pfah! As if you could hide your depradations under such a title.”

I stepped up. “Met more than enough of this kind to know he ain't changing. You. Fuck off. Now.”

A number of the crowd dropped their jaws, some came up with the biggest grins I'd ever seen.

“Why, I never! You require a lesson about respecting your betters.” Another light from his horn, and a shape similar to a glove, except without the fingers flew towards me. It dissipated on contact, him jerking his head back. Still don't get why that happens. Guess using magic on me is like punching a brick wall.

“Halt!” boomed a voice above our heads. Luna flew down and interposed herself between us. This couldn't possibly end well. “What has occurred here?”

Twilight quickly explained the situation. Luna's expression displayed approximately zero surprise. She gave a withering glare to Blueblood. “Do not molest him. He is currently a guest of the Equestrian empire. Likewise...” a flash of shame “He has quickly defeated us in combat. You would stand no chance against him in a duel.” Luna turned and bowed to me. “According to the ancient laws, I owe you a boon. State it, and it will be given, as is the right of the conquerer.”

Every jaw in the place went back to the floor. I think a paving-stone or two cracked from the impact. This was an opportunity I couldn't waste. “Allow me to learn about this world first. I will return my request when it is in the best interest of all parties involved. Agreed?” I don't always talk like that, but it seemed best to keep going with her style.

“Due to the circumstances of your arrival, this delay is acceptable. I will await your reply in due time.” She turned to Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle, we request you teach him of Equestrian life. These events much be shocking, and due care is required.” Turning to me “As you learn of our culture, please be mindful of differences. Understand that surveillance will be required until all is understood.”

“Figured I'd be watched. I don't wish to cause any trouble. So long as...” I turned to Blueblood “I am allowed to defend myself, when necessary.”

“That is acceptable, though I do not believe that it will be necessary often.”

“Hopefully not. I dislike violence.”

“That is good to hear. I will return to our castle. Twilight, please keep us informed as to his progression.” She gave a bow of respect to Twilight, and few back off towards the castle.

We continued on to a train station. Everything here was so gaudy. Bright colors everywhere. It was giving me a headache. Not having my glasses would've been worse. Thankfully I got most of my stuff back after the exam. They ran it through some kind of detector. Of course, nothing would show magic, and only what I think was combat magic hurt stuff. My old clothes were too wrecked to keep.

The ride was about what I expected. Lots of ponies stealing glances and trying to look like they're not. Twilight gave a lecture on Equestrian life that filled in a lot of gaps. I had a few questions, but ones referring to anatomy or the like were obviously going to wait until we weren't in public. Anything involving my reaction (Or lack thereof) to magic was going to wait too. No use freaking out the population. This might not be so bad after all.

But damn did I want a drink.