John's Smokefilled life

by Gaben Newell

First published June 9th, 2012 06:14

What happens when you mix a person with Snoop Dogg while with weed and he gets sent to Equestria for no reason while still smoking it, And dying of blood loss from a zombie bite? This crappy story written by two weed smokers.

Chapters

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

Chapter 1
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John's Smokefilled life

Chapter 1

John Peterson, United States, New York. 9:30PM.

"Alex, Where the fuck are those snacks?" I yelled to my roommate.
"Calm yo tits' faggot, They'll be ready in a minute." Alex shouted back.
I rolled my eyes, "Quit bein' a queer-bate ya damn asshat."
"YOU QUIT BEIN' A QUEER-BATE YOU FUCKING SMELLY COCK LICKER!"
20 Minutes later
"Damn faggot, Took you long enough." I said to Alex as he walked into the room, The damn kid was so short. Like a fuckin' midget.
"I'm gonna kick you in the damn balls you smelly faggot." Alex seemed pissed, Probably because he's always pissed. Goddamn baby man.
Alex proceeded to throw the shit-smelling snacks he had made onto the table, Microwave pizza. Which was burnt. And some expired soda he got out of the trash.... What a fucking hobo.
I decided to piss him off more, "Yo Alex, You still into that faggoty pony-shit? You goddamn child."
Alex was furious, He turned to face me, "Don't call it child shit you damn nigger black dog! Choke on this faggot!"
Alex shoved the soda can down my throat, I gurgled and tried to scream... But i couldn't.
I managed to hack the thing up. I grabbed my baseball bat, And Alex threw his pony toys at me. I grabbed his Twilight Sparkle doll and smashed the thing to shit.
Alex fell to his knees and commited suicide.
Then i walked out of the house.
And wen't for a job interview.
I also smoked weed with snoop dogg on the way.
At the job interview
I was getting a job as a pizza delivery man. When it was my turn, I stepped into the room. It turned out to be a pony delivery service.
The room was full of pony toys, There was also a sign that read "Friendship is Magic" with a faggot ass rainbow on it.
I was confused, "Dafuq is this shit?" I kicked around a few toys.
The boss turned to look at me, "How dare you kick our gods!" He exclaimed.
He crawled to his toys and kissed them. "DON'T WORRY, THIS MEAN PERSON WILL NOT HARM YOU!"
I facepalmed, "Nigga, You got issues."
"Shut yo' face."
"SHUT YO' FACE CRACKA!"
I grabbed his pony toys and threw them out the window. I flipped the faggot off and lite his office on fire.
They all died.
Back at the apartment
I returned to my apartment.
As i entered my apartment, I noticed that Alex's body was gone.
Just then, My clost busted open.
AND IT WAS ALEX, HE WAS A ZOMBIE!
"hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrurrrrhhhhhh" Alex groaned, I kicked the faggot in the nutsack.
"Oh fuck." Zombies don't feel pain. I'm fucked.
Alex bit my penis off and i died of blood loss.
"You would go for the penis, Faggot." I died shortly after that sentence.

Chapter 2
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John's Smokefilled life

Chapter 2

I awoke with a headache. Probably too much weed.
"Where da fuck am i?" I asked nobody.
Suddenly, A purple pony appeared out of nowhere.
I rubbed my eyes, Yep. Too much weed.
"What the fuck is this shit?"
The purple pony was startled by my outburst.
"What are you?" The purple pony asked.
"A human you dumbshit."
Her sharp spike looking thing glowed and a book flew infront of her face.
"Ah- You are a human. Two legged creatures!"
"NO SHIT SHERLOCK!" I punched her in the face.
The pony broke down and cried- "Why did you do that?" She asked through tears.
I pulled out my trusty cup and filled it with her tears.
*Shades* "Because i'm a badass."
The dragon looking creature ran into the corner and cried.
I walked over to 'it' and kicked 'it' with mah shoe.
I then kicked the door down.
And all the weird ponies looked at me.
"Aren't these Alex's toys?" I was beyond confused at this point. A world full of talking color-ful ponies are are toys in my world.
"Where's a blunt when a nigga needs one?" I said to myself.
Just then, A pink pony came over.
"Hey! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?" The pony asked me.
"Why the fuck should i tell you? You overhyped candyass smelling whore." I flipped the pony off.
I then clenched my fist, And gave her a punch in the face.
She then fainted.
The other ponies were cowering away, I simply shrugged. "Pussies."
'Man... I need some weed.'
An hour of searching for weed later
I had stumbled upon a strange farm.
And boy, There was weed everywhere.
"HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT! ITS A WEED FARM!" I jumped for joy.
I pulled out some of the weed and rolled it into a blunt. Smokin' time.
An orange pony came out of nowhere. Seriously, What's with these fucking things?
"'Scuse' me, You shouldn't be plucking those weeds up."
"Nigga, I do what i want." I lit the blunt, And smoked all day long.
Oh, I also punched the pony in the face.
Well, I was going to- But the pony bucked me like 9000 meters away. This weed is fuckin' up my vision.
"Dafuck nigga. Calm yo' ass." Oh god- That pony was strong as fucking hell, Please don't do that again!
The pony seemed enraged, Idunno why. "Nigga, Why you so mad? I took some fuckin' weed, Jesus. Ill give you some damn money for it. Just calm YO ASS DOWN!"
"Money?" The orange pony seemed confused.
"You gotta' be shittin' me..." I reached into my pocket and retrieved my wallet.
I pulled out a fifty dollar bill and handed it to the pony.
"What in tarnation is this?" The pony fiddled with the dollar, Obviously having no idea what it is.
"Wait- You fucks don't accept money?"
The pony shook her head.
"What do you take then?"
"Bits" The pony responded.
"BITS? WHAT IS THIS? FUCKING FINAL FANTASY?"
"Look, Pardner, I have no idea whatcher on bout', But yer gonna have ta pay fer tha-" I punched the pony in the face and ran away.
"SMOKE WEED ERRY'DAY!" I fell off a cliff.
And the last thing i remembered, Was 420.
NEXT CHAPTER >>>>

A/N: This story was written by two bad-asses that smoke weed.

Chapter 3
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John's Smokefilled life

Chapter 3

I woke up in some weird colorful ass town, Wait.. I'm back here again. GOD DAMN IT.
A bunch of ponies were gathered infront of some old ass pony, There seemed to be an announcement.
"Citizens of Ponyville, A strange two-legged creature, Belonging to a race named 'Humans' Has appeared recently, According to reports from Twilight Sparkle, He is very dangerious. And collected her tears in a cup. He proceeded to call himself a 'Badass' It may be a signal to signal outside species to attack us. It is advised that you avoid him at all costs."
Just then, I threw a fucking tree branch at her.
"Bitch nigga - you don't fuck with me and ask these pony niggers to avoid me bitch" I took a quick piss.
"And leme tell you somthin' bitch-ass, You fuck wit' me, And you won't wake up from yo' next nap." I said, with a serious face.
JUST THEN!
A huge ass cheriot appeared outa fuckin' nowhere, Seriously! What the fuck is with this shit? Fucking teleporting ponies?
The cheriot touched down nearby, It was carrying some white-as-fuck giant pony.
With long ass rainbow coloured fucking hair.
'Must be the queen of Faggot-ville.' I lit another blunt. Weed is needed erry' day.
"Yo white bitch, Get some fuckin' sun ya faggot." I yelled to the ugly ass pony, While smokin' mah blunt.
The pony seemed pissed the fuck off, Like her face turned red... Is that even possible?
"YOU DARE SPEAK TO ROYALTY IN SUCH MANNER?" The huge pony screamed at me, But i had zero fucks to give. Because 420 nigga.
"BITCH NIGGA, ILL BEAT YO' ASS TO A FUCKIN' PULP IF YOU DON'T SUCH YO' BIG ASS MOUTH-" The pony used her horn to cast a spell, When suddenly, Snoop dogg came outa nowhere and punched her in the face.
"Drop it like its hot." Snoop Dogg then flew away.
"Was that Snoop? Must be smokin' too much weed." I lit another blunt, Two is always better than one.
Meanwhile, The white pony as on the floor groaning. In pain i guess. How should i know?
"That's what yo' bitch ass gets for fuckin' with John."
Just then - the same purple pony with that whore dragon on her whore back approached.
"PRINCESS CELESTIA!" The pony shrieked.
The purple whore turned to face me, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"
I put on a 'pshh' Look, "I didn't do nothin', It was Snoop Dogg. Tha nigga came outa nowhere, Like most of you faggots do, And kicked her ass."
I took out a blunt and handed it to the purple pony, "Want some weed, Ya whore?"
The pony took it and fumbled with it, 'They don't know what money is, And they don't know what weed is? This is one fucked up place.'
I had to facepalm, "Put it in yo' mouth dumbass."
The pony inserted the blunt into her mouth.
"Now, I light it and you smoke it." I lit the blunt with my trusty lighter.
The pony choked and coughed, "Ew! what is that?"
"Weed, Ya idiot. It makes ya see cool shit and makes you feel good."
The pony whined, "But it tastes horrible!"
I shook my head in annoyance, "BITCH YOU DO NOT CURSE MY GOD." I tried to upercut her, But she cowered in fear.
I laughed, "That's what i thought."
I looked over to the 'thing' i had kicked with my shoe, "You wan't somma this?"
'It' shook 'it's' head.
I punched 'it' in the face.
"Then get yo' ass outa here. This is my town now faggot."
The other ponies ran in fear, "Bitch, you're with me." I grabbed the purple pony.
The pony whined again, I fixed it with another punch to the face, "Betta shut yo' mouth if ya wanna keep that pretty face intact."
She stopped, Thank god.
I dragged the pony over to where the old ass pony had given that shit speech, "Oh, A microphone."
"Testing testng, 1.2.3 Testing, Works? Good." I paused for a moment.
"Listen up, You colorful faggots, I run this shitty town now. So i'm laying down a few rules."
"Rule number one, Everyone is required to smoke weed everyday."
"Rule number two, Nobody fucks with John."
"Rule number three, You are not allowed to leave. If you try, You will feel the wrath of Snoop Dogg, A.K.A The god of weed."
I looked over to the white pony, "Dispose of the angry bitch at once."
The ponies did not obey, "NIGGAS, I SAID DISPOSE OF THE BITCH! UNLESS YOU WAN'T SNOOP DOGG TO KICK YOUR ASSES TOO!"
The ponies flinched, They carried the white pony to a cliff and threw her off of it.
I smoked weed the entire fucking day. And the purple pony is my fucking pet now.

Chapter 4
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John's Smokefilled life

Chapter 4

I wake up again in the purple ponys shitty house again. The bitch was reading about how to make weed without the weed.
"Weed without the weed? Nuuh. Ain't gonna work." I snatched the book and threw it into the fireplace.
The pony was about to say something, But held back.
I raised an eyebrow, "Wanna say somethin'? Say it then bitch."
She cowered and shook her head, "That's what i thought."
I did a little streching and lit another blunt, Erry'day son.
I glanced over to the pony, "Listen, If i'm rulin' this shitty place now, Then my rules will be put into effect. Which means you have to smoke weed too." I offered a blunt.
She didn't take it at first, But i put on another face that screamed 'Ill fuck ya up.'
"Alright... ill give it a try..." She put the blunt into her mouth, I lit it.
*Choke, Hack*
"Ya spit that out and ill whoop yo' ass." I threatened.
The pony nodded, After a second, She put on a 'watdo' Face.
*Sigh.* "Take it outa yo' mouth, And blow the smoke outa your mouth, Like this." I puffed the smoke out of my mouth.
She did as instructed, "Now put it back in and repeat."
Suddenly.
Snoop Dogg appeared again.
She coughed even more.
"Bitch, you cough one more time and ill smack yo' face into half." Snoop Dogg was pissed, He hates little crackers that can't take the weed.
I bowed down before the Snoop, I chanted "Smoke weed erry'day" Over and over again.
The pony looked at me weirdly.
"Fuck yo' ass nigga smoke dat shit." Snoop slapped the pony.
"Chill Snoop, The pony fag is my pet." I begged Snoop.
He nodded, "Aight man, Just keep the bitch inline."
"Yeah man."
Snoop teleported away.
I arose from my knees, These fucking floorboards are hard as shit.
The pony had spit the blunt out in a coughing fit, "Fuck yo' shit - bring me your dragon you whore."
The pony brought me the dragon.
"Aight man, Listen up. Yo' gonna smack da shit outa this bitch. Then yo' gonna make sure she smokes weed the whole day." I instructed the dragon, Who seemed scared as shit.
"I c..c..Can't! Twilight is my friend!" 'Twilight, Dafuq? What a faggot ass name.'
"Tut tut." I waved my finger, "Do it or ill light yo' house on fire."
The dragon slapped the fucking shit out of Twilight, "Holy fuck man, You can stop now. Nigga jeez!"
Twilight had a broken nose, And a black eye.
"Bitch, Leme heal yo' ass."
I got down on my knees and prayed to Snoop, Begging for the pony to be healed.
Snoop appeared as a ghostly figure, "420 Nigga, 420." Snoop disappeared, And Twilight was healed.
'Thank ya Snoop.'
"Now you can take more abuse you whore." I smacked the pony in the face, Kicked her in the gut, And wen't outside.
"Ah, Smells like weed." The residents seemed to be enjoying the weed, People were kicked back and relaxed. Why can't the whore be like that? Nope, Instead she's gotta whine like a bitch.
JUST THEN!
A dark pony with a blue mane flew down infront of my face.
I backed up, "Yo, Whatcha want bitch nigga? I'm busy runnin' this town."
"YOU HAVE KILLED MY SISTER! AND IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PAY!"
"Bitch, you should be paying me money for protecting your faggy ass town." I grabbed a wooden bench and smacked her in the face with it.
Bitch nigga couldn't dodge for shit. So i continued to beat her to death.
Just then, Twilight came out, "Get the fuck back you bitch."
When i looked back down, She was already dead, "Nigga is weak."
I offered her to Snoop.
"Bitch i don't wan't a fuckin' pony."
He smacked the pony to 420 hell, "Faggot."
Snoop teleported away.
"Motherfuckers - Even weed smokers don't wan't em'."
I then continued along the path to that faggy ass farm with the orange faggot ass pony on it.
"Bitch gimmie a hundred of your apples you whore." I demanded.
"What now?" The pony turned around, "Oh, It's you again. Ya' still haven't paid me fer those weed's ya' plucked up."
I was surprised, "Bitch, Watcha say?"
"I said ya' still haven't paid me fer those weeds, And what in tarnation is a 'Bitch'?"
"Fuck you, Why are you not smoking weed like everyone else?" I clenched my hand into a fist.
"What is weed?" The pony asked.
I fainted from shock.

A/N: This chapter is full of grammar mistakes. Got a problem? Go fuck yo'self.
-420-
Was written by two guys named Weed, And Blunt.

Chapter 5
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John's Smokefilled life

Chapter 5

I woke up in Twilights house again, Dog ass sleeps on the floor.

I groaned and got out of the shitty bed and kicked the door open.

Nigga be smokin' weed.

There was another human.

I slowly lit up another blunt and approached the human.

"Yo' man, Who da fuck are you?" I puffed on my blunt.

The guy turned around, HOLY FUCK HE IS FAT! "Gabe Newell."

(Instert trollface) "Gaben?"

"Yes." Gabe kicked me in the nuts.

"AW DA HELL NIGGA!"

20 Minutes later

"Hi, I am Gabe Newell and I am knocking on this door that belongs to a yellow horse."

The door opened slightly, An 'eep' could be heard.

"Bitch, You smokin' weed?" I kicked the pony.

The yellow pony cried a fuckin' river and ran into her room.

"Who the fuck are you?" I asked, while banging on her bedroom door.

"Go a..Away!" The faggot responded with.

I turned to face Gabe, "What now?"

"Episode 3."

"What-" Gabe smashed the door open.

The yellow pony was cowering in the corner, "Fucking animals everywhere."

Gabe walked over to the pony, Wait.. How the fuck does his fatass walk?

Gabe chanted: "Oh delayo, Episode 3oh..." A few times, Gabe then proceeded to kick the shit out of the pony.

He frowned, "This isn't working." Gabe picked the pony up and smashed her against the wall.

The pony, Meanwhile, Was still crying and flinching non-stop, Like she was having a spazz attack or some shit.

I grabbed a bottle and smashed an animal with it, Some rabit whore or someshit.

The pony slipped out of Gabe's grasp and ran over to her rabbit, She began crying even harder.

I joined Gabe and we both beat the living shit out of the pony and the rabbit.

"What now Gabe?" I picked up the rabbit and threw it out of the window.

Gabe slapped me with his shit load of fat.

Then, He was gone.

"God, This shit is gettin' weird..." I picked myself up.

As i was walking towards the exit, I noticed that my hand was glowing green.

I stopped to look at it, "What the fuck?" I had an idea, I pointed my hand towards a vase. The vase glowed green, And i was able to move it.

I threw it at a window, "FUCK YEAH BITCHES! I'VE GOT THE POWER OF WEED!" I fistpumped and teleported back to that shitty library.