Assassin's Creed Wasteland

The unknown creature charged through the forest spooking the birds.

Prepare yourselves. Edward said pulling out Adewale's machete.

Fawkes pulled out his recharging gatling laser, Mike got out his Infiltrator assault rifle he got in the Pitt, Shining armor pulled out his sword, and the princesses readied their battles spells.

Vats says it's a Deathclaw. Edward said. Any tips

I might. Fawkes said. It's hide is tough but if we can get it on it's back you can sever the Madula-ablengata through the Uevualic-membrian.

Can someone please translate that. Mike asked.

Yeah. Rainbow added. some of us don't speak dweeb.

We're gonna get it on it's back and stab it in the mouth. Edward said bluntly.

Damn. Mike said in a astonished tone. That's brutal kid.

Says the guy who looks like a walking dead cosplayer. Edward retorted.

I have no Idea what either of  those two things are. Mike said.

we can talk about this later. Edward said through his teeth.

I SEE IT TROUGHT THE TREES. Fawkes shouted.

The deathclaw bounded through the trees and let out a roar.

Wait, let me try something. FlutterShy said calmly.

Fine but don't blame me if the thing bites your head off. Edward said sarcastically. I MEAN THAT LITERALLY.

FlutterShy shuttered a bit but tried not to let what Edward said get to her. She walk strait up to the creature and held out a hand. The Deathclaw sniffed her hand while licking it with its forked tongue before pressing it's head against it and giving a growling purr.

Did she just tame a goddamn DeathClaw. Mike asked no one in particular.

Apparently she did my good man. Fawkes said.

That's our FlutterShy. Rainbow said happily. Skittish around new people, fearless around new animals, even giant lizards apparently.

A few of my ancestors was able to tame animals. Edward said. A Caveman of the Wenja tribe called Takkar and a mohawk indian name Connor Kenway although they where only able to tame things like wolves and bears, although taming eagles and falcons is a common practice within the creed, I'd like to know you how to tame beasts like that.

Edward. FlutterShy asked. would you like me to teach you how.

Um sure why not. Edward said.

The first thing you need to do is approach slowly and remain calm. FlutterShy said. If you try to force it or come one too strong the animal will either run away or get aggressive.

So taming animals is like picking up chicks. Mike said.

As I was saying. FlutterShy said. Just hold out your hand.

Ok. Edward said holding out his plam.

The DeathClaw hesitated but eventually pressed It's head against Edwards hand.

Good boy, good boy. Edward said calmly. So what do I call you.

You may call me Gorus. The DeathClaw said surprising everyone.

Is this real life. Mike asked.

I...don't now. Edward said. I honestly think I'm having a stroke.

Do you taste purple and are hearing a high pitch noise in your left ear. Gorus said.

No. Edward said.

Then you're not and I can assure you I am very real. Gorus said.

Oh I know you're really I'm more concerned with how you can FUCKING SPEAK. Edward said.

Have you heard of a organization know as the Enclave. Gorus said.

Wait you mean your one of those talking DeathClaws from vault 13. Mike said. I thought the Enclave whipped you out.

I was traveling with a man know as the Chosen One during the time vault 13 was attacked. Gorus said. We eventually paid them back ten-fold for what they did to my people, after the Chosen One defeated the Enclave I ventured out on my own, I eventually found a cave to call my home and some followers of the apocalypse as my friends, occasionally someone would stumble upon my cave and I shared my wisdom with them or scare them away.

I see, so will you join me on my quest. Eddie said. It's not gonna be hard I just have to find these things called the pieces of Eden.

< 30 minutes of exposition later>

Wait so you're part of a group that's been responsible for every know assassination to date. Mike said.

No. Edward said. We didn't assassinate Lincoln or JFK.

Oh. Mike said. Well alright then I'm in, what about you two.

I shall join you as well. Gorus said.

You remind me of someone I use to know so very well. Fawkes said. and as a token of my friendship I have a gift.

Alright want is it. Edward asked.

Close your eyes. Fawkes said.

Alright, but if you fucking kiss me I will kick your aAAASSSSSS. Edward yelled after Fawkes stabbed him in the arm with a needle. WHAT THE FUCK MAN, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THAT.

You'll see. Fawkes said cryptically.

Fine I'll let it slide for now. Edward said begrudgingly. But I swear to god if you gave me some kind of super mutant AIDS, I will use my Deathclaw gauntlets TO GUT YOU LIKE FUCKING FISH.

Super mutants are in capable of contracting the AIDS virus since we are sterile. Fawkes said calmly.

Wow did not need to know that but ok. Edward said.

Just then a royal guard ran up towards the group.

What is it guard. Celestia asked.

Princess. the guard said out of breath. Three more unknown creatures have appeared in the royal palace court yard.

Edward just face palmed and said. faaaan-fucking-tastic as if there were enough assholes to deal with, Lets go.