Surprise Days

~Surprise Days~

by NoGiantRobots1983

~Scene 6~

~Blown Away in the Land of Thorns~

~Let's Begin!~

I remember something Surprise did when I was only six years old.

I was playing in a patch of bushes just outside of Paradise Estate, when I saw some purple berries.  I was getting hungry so I picked one and put it in my mouth to eat it.  My teeth were about to squish the berry, but then--

"Stop!"

Surprise came up right beside me, pulled the berry from my mouth, and said, "Haven't I told you not to eat strange berries without checking first?"

You "check" by holding the berries to your lower lip and see if a bitter taste develops.  If it does, they're poisonous.  But that can take a long time and I was hungry now!  I shrugged.  "What's the big deal?  Not like poisonous berries grow around here anyway."

"You think so?"  Without warning, Surprise gobbled up a bushel of berries!

One second... two seconds... three seconds... four... five.  I smiled.  Surprise was still standing.  I guessed nothing was wrong.  Then she plopped over!  So I said "Very funny, Surprise.  You can stop playing now."  But she didn't move.  "I'm not falling for it!"  I cried out, giving her a six-year-old's kick to the stomach.  Only then did I realize something was wrong.  I ran back to town and got help.

I spent a whole hour pacing and sweating in the Emergency Clinic's waiting room before a nurse came out and told me the good news.  You can't imagine how happy I was!  I ran in there and hugged my stupid pony!

The first thing she said when she woke up?  "Orange juice, quick!"  So I got her some orange juice, quick.

When we went home, I told her "I'm sorry.  I'll never eat berries without doing the test first ever again!"

She looked at me all weird-like and said "That's the lesson you took home from this?"

"Uh-huh.  Why, what lesson did you learn?"

"Never gorge yourself on berries that leave an awful aftertaste.  Blech!"

So I told this story to Fluttershy, and she put her hooves on her cheeks and was like, "That's horrible!  Scaring a poor little boy half to death like that!"

Gotta admit, I saw that coming.  Most ponies just don't understand, but I tried to explain anyway.  "Even so, its an effective way to make a lesson stick.  I never ate anything wild without testing it first, and I never forgot the orange juice either!"  I half-smiled, but I guess Fluttershy didn't see the humor in it.

She put down her hoof.  "Even so, there are ways to make a lesson stick without traumatizing you!"

I sighed.  Fluttershy just wasn't gonna get it.  Ah well.

This conversation happened around Fluttershy's back yard.  Surprise had come to visit Fluttershy and ask about nutterberries for some nutterberry pie (I think they're actually called something else.  We call 'em nutterberries because they're berries that look like nuts), and I had just come along because I had nothing better to do.  Fluttershy pointed at a big bushel of bushes and said "Help yourself!"  Then when Surprise was gone, Fluttershy pulled up a lawn chair for me and sat me down and gave me a drink with a straw and started all cooing and coddling me and I decided to tell her that story, just off the top of my head.  I think I was trying to tell her that I don't like being coddled and cooed over, but Fluttershy was one of those ponies who just had to go all gushy-gush.

Well, since Surprise wasn't looking, I decided to risk scratching behind Fluttershy's ears.  I always want to hug ponies, pet them, tickle them, or scratch their ears, and I never figured out why.  If I ever become a scientist, I'll put the question under a microscope and study it.

Surprise returned just as I pulled my hand away, and she was carrying a basket of nutterberries in her mouth.  So she tried to say, "Thanks, Fluttershy.  Let's go, Raydence!" but it came out more like "Shays, Flufferfly!  Leff go Refreff!"

So I got out of that chair and we went.  Then I realized I was still carrying Fluttershy's cup and went to give it back.  She stole one last cuddle from me before I was able to break away.  I mean don't get me wrong, Fluttershy is a cute pony, but being cuddled always makes me feel weird.

Ponyville altogether made me feel weird, actually.  Nice little place, just I don't like how I'm the only human most ponies here have seen who wasn't evil.  The novelty alone made me an attention magnet.

So when we got back to our little rental at the edge of Ponyville, Surprise said, "Thif wiff--" then she put down the basket and tried again, "This will take awhile.  Think you can keep yourself busy for an hour or so?"

"Won't you need help?  An extra pair of hands?"

"Nah, cooking is a one-pony operation.  Too many chefs and all that.  I'll come look for ya later!"

Point made, case closed, she brought the basket in and closed the door.  I hadn't really tried to win this argument, because I knew how easy it was to get distracted in our little house where the kitchen, den and master bedroom were literally the same room.  The only rooms that were separate were the bathroom and one really large closet.  And she was cooking the nutterberry pie because it was one of those things she remembered doing when she was young that she wanted to prove she could still do.  You might not have noticed, but Surprise really wasn't as confident as she looked.  That's why she needed to be alone.

So I put my hands in my pockets and decided to see what Ponyville had to offer today.  It was a small little place and everything important was right next to everything else important.  So I stood out in the road, thinking "library or bake shop?  Library or bake shop?"  Logic threw a brick at me and the brick had a note that read, "Why would you go to a bake shop when you know your owner is baking?"  I wrote a response ("Good point") and threw the brick right back at logic, and hit it right in the head.  Pays you back for throwing bricks, you jerk!

So a hop and a skip later, I was at the library door.  I knocked twice and Spike answered.

"Twilight Sparkle home?"  I asked.

"No she's not," he answered with an unmistakable you're not welcome here tone.  Spike was one of the few residents who hadn't warmed up to me, and for a very good reason.  You see, before I came to town he was the local novelty that all the mares fawned over.  Unlike me, he liked being the center of attention, and he didn't appreciate some namby-pamby human stealing his thunder!  What made it worse was he had a big-sister thing going on with Twilight, and she was the pony who saw the most of me (besides my owner, that is), so I guess he has to hear about how awesome I am all the time even when he doesn't feel like it.  Can't say I blame the guy.  I'd hate me too in those circumstances.

"Oh, well I'm just looking to borrow a book--"

Spike slammed the door.  I kinda stood there scratching my head and wondering what just happened, when he opened the door again and tossed a book at me and said "There!" and then slammed the door again.

"Eh."  I shrugged and took a look at the book he had tossed.  Its title was Blown Away in the Land of Thorns.  So I glanced at a couple pages and got some gleamings of the plot, which seemed to be about a unicorn named Blown Away who was kidnapped by griffons so they could... oh dear.  In my skimming I landed upon a very sickening illustration that summed up exactly what this book was about.  Oh dear, what was I holding (I thought in a deadpan voice).

I did not want to read this.  Did.  Not.

But I didn't want to bother Spike again either.  Either he gave me this book on purpose or there's no "adults only" section in that library, and I didn't want to take my chances.  So I looked it over and decided there was only one thing to do.

I propped the book up against the door and walked away, casually pretending I hadn't seen it.

"Whatcha got there, Raydey-waydey?"

I stopped mid-step, and wondered what imp had arranged this chance meeting.  There was only one pony who called me "Raydey-waydey" no matter how many times I asked her not to.

"Heya, Pinkie Pie," I greeted her begrudgingly and turned around.  She was checking out the book, slowly mouthing the title.  Then she started skimming the pages like I had done.  Just as she got to the page with the questionable illustration I decided to grab it out of her han--er, hooves--and told her, "You don't want to read this one.  It's kind of boring."

You might say it's wrong to treat Pinkie Pie like a foal.  That's what I thought too, but there was this incident with a love potion not long ago and... well, let's just say I'm convinced she's not a grownup yet.  I put the book back up against the door and then quickly distracted her by asking, "Why aren't you at Sugarcube Corner?"

"They're closed today.  Catering a wedding in the next town over."

"Don't they have kids?"

"Yeah, but they're being watched by relatives today, which means I have all day to myself!  So I thought, 'who's going to play with me?' and just all of a sudden I saw you!"  Bouncy bouncy bouncy went her little hooves every other word or so, and it was easy to bouncy bouncy pay attention when she was so bouncy bouncy.  I won't lie, Pinkie is kind of cute, but sometimes endless affection can be kind of grating.  It's like I said, I just don't like being a novelty.

But she was bouncing circles around me, and rubbing up against my legs the way a cat does.  I wasn't gonna get away from her, was I?

"Hey, I got an idea!"  She bounced around to my front and stood on her hind legs and put her forehooves on my belly and looked at me with eyes that weren't quite big and watery enough to be puppy-dog eyes but gave a similar impression.  "Why don't you show me some of the stuff you have in that 'inventory screen' thing?"

The inventory screen.  Funny story, that.  In Dream Valley, everyone--human and pony alike--has an inventory screen that we can open, close, and store stuff in at will.  When we came to Equestria, Surprise and I didn't exactly try to keep our inventory screens a secret but we never really had much reason to open them.  Then, one day, we do and to our astonishment, inventory screens are something the ponies of Equestria have never heard of!  So now its also a novelty.

I saw no harm in opening mine for Pinkie, so I turned around and there it was.  It takes the form of a kind of flat square in space.  You can stretch it if you need to.

"How do you do that?"  Pinkie Pie asked the question I'm sure you're asking now.

"It's very simple.  See, there's a little X right in the corner of my vision.  I just push that X."

"I don't see one."

"Try blinking two times really fast."

So Pinkie did.  "Still don't see it."

"Keep trying.  It'll show up."

But meanwhile, my screen was open and Pinkie was fascinated with all the stuff in it.  "Wow... what's that thing?"

"That's an electric guitar.  Shame there's no electricity here."

"And that?"

"This?"  I reached in and pulled out what I thought she was pointing at, which was a sword in a sheath.  I unsheathed the blade and explained it to her, "This is a sword.  Specifically this kind is called a katana.  It's good for cutting through dense foliage but not much else."  Yeah, I know, katanas are good for a lot more than that, but I didn't want to talk about the violent stuff with Pinkie Pie of all ponies.  Besides, I never used it that way anyway.

"Foliage?"

"Tall grass, weeds, hedges... you know, when you're going through a thick jungle."

Pinkie's tail was wagging like a puppy dog's.   "You go on a lot of adventures, don't you?"

I put the katana back in the inventory screen.  "Yup.  Adventure is my life--hey hey HEY!"

Pinkie Pie was trying to climb into the inventory screen!  She nearly went completely through when I grabbed her by the midsection and pulled her out, then I quickly shut the inventory screen.  It was then that I happened to notice she had managed to clench her teeth on something--an old hat.  I said "gimme that!" and tried to tear it away from her, but Pinkie held it, made playful growling sounds and shook and jumped and pulled like a puppy dog.  I pulled, she pulled back, and we had a regular tug of war going.

"Pinkie Pie!"

Rarity had suddenly appeared behind me, and at her cry Pinkie let go of the hat (which sent me tumbling, since I was pulling so hard) and sat down like a good doggie.  Rarity came to my side and said "Oh, that poor hat!  Let me clean it up for you!"

So I was like "Um, uh, sure."  Now that I wasn't wrestling with a pink pony puppy, I realized I didn't remember where that hat came from.  I could only guess that it was only one of many supplies I had picked up at some point that I thought would come in useful, but actually didn't.  That happens a lot when you live a life of adventure, many of the things you plan for just never come to pass.

So Pinkie asked, "Whatcha doin' here, Rarity?"

"I came to return a book I had borrowed.  Oh, what's this?"  Her eyes had fallen upon the one I had propped up against the front door.  "Blown Away in the Land of Thorns?  Which of you was reading this?"

I was going to deny everything, but Pinkie said, "Raydence had it!"

Then Rarity flashed a smirk and those knowing eyes at me and said, "Oh, Raydence, I didn't realize you had such refined tastes..."

I stood up and brushed myself off and was like, "Wait, refined?"

"Why yes!  Blown Away in the Land of Thorns is an excellent work of literature, that far transcends the bounds of its scentillating subject matter and truly becomes an examination of the pony condition!"

So its a naughty book with class.

Pinkie Pie spoke for me again, "Raydence said it was kind of boring."

"Boring?!  How could you?"

"Well," I answered, "I actually didn't finish it..."

"Well then, how far did you get?"

"Well, ummm... Hey, Pinkie!"  I picked up a stick and tossed it, "Go fetch!"  and she ran after it.  Then I slid up beside Rarity and explained to her in a whisper that I hadn't really read the book at all, I just put it down once I realized what it was.  Then Pinkie came back with the stick and I had to wrestle it out of her mouth and toss it again.

"Is there some reason you don't want Pinkie to hear about this?"  Rarity asked.

"Well yeah," I had to throw the stick one more time.  "Remember how she was during the love potion incident?  You really think--" once again with the stick "--that she's ready for this?"

"I suppose you have a point."

Pinkie brought the stick back for the final time.  This time, she just dropped it and panted tiredly.  So I scruffled her mane and told her, "Sorry I don't have a treat."  I think she was too tired to reply, because she just nuzzled me.

When I next looked around, Twilight Sparkle was standing next to Rarity and making this utterly perplexed look.  The first thing Twilight said was, "Pinkie, why are you acting like a dog?"

So I guess I'm not the only one who thought that was strange.

What happened next was Twilight invited us all into the library and had Spike make dinner for us.  To ponies, "dinner" means putting a lot of grass on a plate.  I noticed that Spike gave Rarity more grass than anyone else, and gave me less.  He was still giving me the evil eye.  It's not like I could complain though, since his jealousy actually worked in my favor this time.  I mean, would you eat a plate full of grass?  Don't get me wrong, grass is edible and everything.  But it lacks flavor, and leaves my stomach empty.

So the girls made small talk.  I tried to stay quiet and hoped they would forget I was there, mostly because conversations with me always become conversations about what humans are like, or about Surprise or Dream Valley or other questions I think Surprise should answer instead.

Things were going along so beautifully, and then Twilight Sparkle said, "That reminds me.  Raydence, I heard something from Surprise I thought was rather interesting."

Oh fiddlesticks.

"Was there really a Pony-Human war?"

Oh.  Here I thought she was gonna ask me something difficult.

"Not really."

"But your kind lost the war and now you're all pets!  At least, that's what she said."

I smiled.  "Surprise likes to put her own slant on history.  Now, here's the way I've always heard it:  Ponies crossed the rift and discovered Humania.  They started bringing back souvenirs, and after awhile they started adopting humans.  Now humans already had all sorts of legends about creatures that abduct people and so they got scared and got their weapons and tried to fight."  I opened my inventory screen and pulled out my shotgun-of-joy, which they'd already seen before thanks to the encounter with the Beezoids.  "Now, most human weapons are like Marle here."  Yes, I call it Marle.  Shut up.  "This girl works fine against slow moving or close-by targets.  But humans were trying to use them against pegasi who were way up in the air and flying really fast.  And you ponies are already pretty small.  When you're going through the air, we need a telescope to even see you.  So yeah, humans didn't have a chance."

So Spike asked, "What's the point?  Don't those things just make you happy anyway?"

"That's just Marle here.  Regular shotguns hurt."

Twilight Sparkle asked, "So why doesn't yours?"

"Magic, I guess.  I actually found this baby in a witch's lair.  From what I understood, this one witch would use drugs to make herself really happy, then go out and blast a pony.  The pony of course would be so lost in la-la land that she wouldn't put up a fight.  I found out the easy way that the same trick works on witches."

I put Marle up, then I said, "Anyway, the so-called Human-Pony War didn't amount to much.  As far as I know there were no casualties on the pony side, and of course ponies never hurt humans.  Not intentionally, anyway.  What really happened is that the whole thing calmed down because some ponies in Dream Valley were starting to feel kind of weird about the whole human pets thing.  Many of them think its slavery, and there's a watchdog group called the Flyaway Rangers who look out for cases of abused humans, who they rescue and smuggle back to Humania.  Our own Princess sympathizes with humans, and her laws are really what put an axe on the whole thing."

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but Twilight Sparkle is cute when she's confused.  She scratched her ear and then said, "But... that's not what Surprise told me at all."

I chuckled.  "Okay, what did she say?"

"She said that on the last day of the War, a human called the President--some sort of elected representative--came to a hill and flagged down a passing pegasus so he could present her with terms of humanity's surrender.  The pegasus looked at him and asked 'Why?  Are we fighting?'"

"... I'm honestly shocked."

"So its a lie?"

"Nope, that really is a common legend around Dream Valley.  I'm shocked that she left out the best part."

"What's that?"

"That the pegasus thought the president was cute and she adopted him on the spot."

Not terribly funny, but Pinkie chuckled and the others smiled (even Spike.  Didn't expect that).

We got around to more small talk after that, and then Rarity asked, "Oh, Twilight.  Earlier I was reminded of a wonderful novel that I wouldn't mind reading again.  May I see Blown Away in the Land of Thorns?"

"Sure!"  and unicorn magic floated that darn book back into my immediate presence.  Warning bells went off in my head.

"Oh, thank you!  It is truly the most wonderful novel!"

"I'm sorry to say, I've never read it."  Twilight actually looked apologetic.

"What?!"  Rarity, meet unexpected reality.  "Oh, we can't have that, my dear!  Oh, I just had the perfect idea!  Why don't I read it aloud, right here?"

"Why Rarity, I'd love that!"  No, Twilight, you probably wouldn't.

So I skootched next to Rarity and whispered, "Is that really a good idea?  I mean, there are children present."

"Oh Raydence!"  Rarity proclaimed loudly, "They can't be sheltered from the world forever!  It's time they challenged themselves!"

Eeeeyeah.  Challenge yourself.  I was actually kind of shocked at Rarity's level of insensitivity here, but then again she wouldn't be the first pony who lowers all standards in the presence of a favorite book.  I saw no way to rescue Pinkie Pie and Spike would probably hate me for it, so I knew the only thing I could do was save myself.  I just happened to think I heard Surprise calling me and excused myself faster than a speeding bullet.

I stopped outside the library to take a breath.  Then I took five paces and suddenly had something blue staring me right in the face.

"Hold it right there, buster!"  Blustered Rainbow Dash.  I couldn't help but smile.  She had her hooves on my shoulders.  It was to hold me in place, but I was aware it looked like something else.

So I hugged her and said, "Why Rainbow Dash, I didn't know you were such a huggy pony!"

"I am not a huggy pony!"  She batted my hoo--er, hands--away.  Then she pressed a hoof against my nose and said, "Now, suppose you explain these rumors I've heard!"

"What rumors?"

"You made Pinkie Pie act like a dog!"

"I didn't make her, she did that all by herself."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"Actually, yeah."

I think it was because I didn't hesitate and delivered my reply in such an unemotional way, but it seemed almost to deflate Rainbow Dash and release some of her tension.  Her hoof dropped, her eyes lost that suspicious glare.  Her voice went, "Oh."  Then she was like, "So where is she now?"

"In the library, having her innocence scarred for life."

"What does that mean?"

"Rarity is reading her Blown Away in the Land of Thorns."

"Ewwww!"  Rainbow Dash made that gagging face, then shook her head, "Hold on Pinkie Pie, I'm coming!" and there the blue pony went.

Five minutes later, Rainbow Dash staggered out of the library with that look where her pupils get really small and her mouth looks like its melted.  Her every step looked like she was about to take a tumble, and her wings weren't fully retracted.  They looked frazzled, even.  So I came up next to her and asked, "That bad, huh?"

She kinda slowly turned her head up at me like she was acknowledging me without seeing me, if that made any sense.  Then, all the sudden she jumped up and grabbed my shoulders and buried her head in my chest and started crying and I was like okay, what's this?  So many questions...

I patted her on the back and suddenly she cried out, "Why would you put a hedgehog there?  Why?"

"Hey hey, it's okay!  Aren't any hedgehogs here!  More importantly, what happened to Pinkie Pie?"

"Pin..." the mention of Pinkie looked like it shocked Rainbow Dash back to her senses.  "Pinkie... Oh yeah.  When I came in, Pinkie and Spike were already climbing out the back window."

"Huh."

"Huh what?"

"That's the first thing Pinkie did that made complete sense."

"... Huh."

Rainbow Dash let go of me.  She kind of flew off in a half-haze, and I wondered if I should go after her or if I should say something.  But then I saw two other ponies stop and talk to Dash and Dash talked back and they had a conversation going.

Then, I really did hear Surprise calling me.

I was ready to sit down.  Travel, adventure, meeting ponies are all good and fun, but the nicest thing is always being able to go home and share your story with someone at the end of the day.  So Surprise and I split some nutterberry pie.

"This turned out excellent!"  I let her know.  She didn't show it, but I could feel the joy radiating from within her.  She still had that touch of youth, that part of her that would never die.

After that, I got to telling her about my day, and all the little hiccups I almost had thanks to a little book called Blown Away in the Land of Thorns.  Surprise laughed a lot during my story, and when I was done she rolled over with laughter.  One slice of nutterberry pie later, Surprise said, "And to think this would've all been avoided if you had read the book."

So I was like, "Huh?"

Surprise smirked.  "Blown Away in the Land of Thorns is the first book in a legendary children's series."

"No kidding?"

"It's about a unicorn who has the ability to lay golden eggs."

Insert brief pause here.

"Then, that illustration I saw...?"

"The griffons were about to cut her open."

"That sounds kind of violent for a children's book."

"Well yeah, the Blown Away series is from the dark age of literature, where all books were self-published and there were no standards.  It was anything goes.  Blown Away is often called the series that forced literature to reassess its standards."

That sent a dark suspicion down my spine.  "You mean...?"

"Yep.  Those books are legendary for being utterly terrible."

I couldn't help a chuckle.  A moment later, I said, "I guess you really shouldn't judge a book by its cover."

"That's the lesson you took home from this?"

"Why, what lesson would you have learned?"

"Don't trust Rarity's taste in books."

~See You Next Scene!~