Dawn of the second day. Who the hell knows how many hours remain.

Well, actually a little past dawn. More like eleven-thirty. I pulled my shirt on and borrowed Twilight's hairbrush to get my hair straight. I pulled on my socks and shoes, too. Even though I was safe at Twilight's, I felt antsy leaving any of my stuff just lying around. So, I went downstairs to fetch my coat.

Spike and Twilight weren't in their beds, so I had to assume they were the 'early riser' types. I scooped up my coat from the living room and strolled into the kitchen, where Spike was cooking lunch. Twilight sat with a mugful of coffee.

I pulled up a chair and sat down.

Looooooooong. Aaaawwwwkwwaaaard. Siiiiiiiiiileeeeence.

Spike placed a stack of sandwiches in the center of the table. Twilight broke the silence. "Oh, shoot, Spike! I just remembered that we're out of jam! Could you get some from the cellar, please?"

"Yeah, sure, Twilight." The dragon left, leaving me alone. With her.

Twilight levitated a jar of jam out from under the table. "Listen, John, about last night..."

"I really don't wanna talk about it."

"I just wanted to ask if this will affect our friendship."

"It won't if you let me forget about it already!" I rubbed my temples. "Look, if it means that much to you, it's not the first time that I've seen someone in a private moment like that, and it's not a big deal. Even I have needs, but honestly, up until this point, I didn't think that you people were capable of that sort of thing, what with the hooves and all!"

"John, when you say it like that, you sound kind of racist."

I shot out of my chair and grabbed her by the withers, shaking her. "Don't you understand, Twilight? YOU! ARE! A! HOOOOOORSE!"

I set her down and ran out of the kitchen.

. . .

Spike came back with a jar of jam. "Oh, hey. You found the jam. I guess we didn't need a new jar after all! Where was John going in such a hurry?"

Twilight had her head in her hooves. "I think I broke him."

. . .

They finally broke me.

I can't take it anymore.

I need to get out of here.

I flung open the door, only to see a pair of stallions clad in gold armor about to knock. While they had an authoritative feel about them, they seemed surprised at my sudden appearance.

"Are you John the Human?" one of them asked.

. . .

"Highness, the ballistae are set up and the guard have surrounded the library and cleared the streets. However, the extraction team has yet to report the safety of Miss Sparkle." Peppermint checked his pocket-watch impatiently.

"We won't move until Twilight and Spike are safe, understood?" Celestia was fully clad in armor and had a beautiful, determined look in her eyes.

"Of course, Highness. Their well-being, and that of the townsfolk is of the utmost concern. On a similar note, is collateral damage to be avoided as well?"

"As much as possible, but it is not priority."

"Excellent. What is our plan of attack?"

"The Guard are mainly to control the townsfolk, and to clean up our mess. We will use the ballistae to keep him pinned, then you will move for the kill. If all else fails, I will subdue him myself."

"Good. Simple, overwhelming force. It is very fitting, don't you think, Highness?"

"Agreed, Peppermint."

. . .

"Are you John the Human?" one of them asked.

"Um... No?"

He pulled out a piece of paper and checked it. "You match his description rather accurately."

"Gimme that." I snatched the paper away from him. On it was a very detailed sketch of yours truly. I stuffed it in my mouth and slammed the door. "Mo pholiphitors!"

I swallowed and ran back into the kitchen. "Twilight, they found me!"

Twilight and Spike were both pinned down by gold-clad stallions. I snarled. "GITCHER FUCKIN' PAWS OFF THEM!"

Twilight bit one of the stallions on the hoof. "John, RUN! They're going to-"

The armored pony wrapped her face with his hoof again and dragged her out the window. They won't hurt her. Run, my instincts told me. So, I about-faced and ran up the stairs. My UNJO training had memorized the layout of the house, and there was no back door. I'd need a window. Bedroom.

I vaulted Twilight's bed, then dived out the window without breaking stride.

"America!"

I rolled to absorb the shock, then continued running. I cleared the street in less than a second.

"There it is! Out the back window!"

I used my momentum to run up a wall and grab a gutter, then I pulled myself up onto one of the roofs.

"Now it's up on the roof!"

"He's fast!"

Ever played Assassin's Creed? The shingles clicked beneath my feet as I leapt from roof to roof. Several pegasi in gold armor caught up with me and started hounding me, trying to knock me off. If only I had my gun...

I could at least scare them by firing a warning shot. I reached a rather flat house to defend myself on. A pegasus dive-bombed me.

I caught him by the throat and snarled. "Fuck. Off."

He stared back, paralyzed with fear, not even bothering to understand the words. I tossed him away, and continued running. The pegasi gave me space after that. Then I noticed the airships.

Four of them, like crosses between blimps and whales, and each carried a giant, loaded crossbow underneath.

I heard a yell, too distant to make out, the a loud Kuh-chung! as one of the crossbows fired.

I used it's whistling to judge its distance and dodged at the last moment. The javelin tore through the roofing beneath my feet. Unfortunately, the impact loosened the shingles, and I stumbled. Just enough to completely lose my footing. I tumbled from the rooftop and into the alleyway below, landing hard on my back.

"Oof!" I stood and tried to catch my breath.

I looked up and out of the alleyway into the marketplace, empty due to all the commotion. If I went there, there would be greater visibility and more room to fight, but I'd be wide open to the crossbows, whereas if I stayed between the buildings, I'd have cover from the crossbows, but it'd be cramped, and I might get cornered or lost.

I decided to risk the javelins. I paused for another moment until the pain in my spine subsided, then dashed into the clearing that was the Ponyville Marketplace. The whale-blimps turned slowly to face me. I noticed that the one that fired on me wasn't reloaded yet. It must take a while to reload a giant crossbow. That gave me an idea.

[Feel free to begin playing the epic music of your choice at this point.]

"C'MON, YOU FOUR-LEGGED FUCKS! GIMME YOUR BEST DAMN SHOT!" I bellowed at them, making sure they heard. I ran to the middle of the marketplace and waved my arms. They seemed to take a hint.

Kuh-chung!

Kuh-chung!

Kuh-chung!

The blimps were at enough of a distance that, even though they fired almost simultaneously, the javelins would reach me at different times. I breathed in deeply and concentrated.

sssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

The whistle preceding my impending impalement was it's own downfall. Jump up, stiff palms down, arc spine upward. Push.

I pushed down on the javelin, driving it into the ground between my legs, rather than into my stomach. I vaulted backwards off of it, using it's momentum to flip me out of the way. No time to celebrate, though.

sssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Number Two was on its way. Wait until it's close, squat down, left palm to ground for stability, right fist up. Concentrate.

The two-inch thick dowel of hardwood that was the body of the bolt shattered like particle board above my head, the two pieces spinning away to the cobblestones behind me. I stood and dusted myself off.

sssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Final shot. No more fucking around. Shift footing outward for greater stability, right arm backward, left hand forward.

The iron tip of the enormous arrow pierced the skin of my palm.

And then it stopped. A lightning bolt of pain rocked up my arm all the way into my chest, before dissipating in my ribcage. The javelin clattered to the ground. I checked my hand. There was a small cut, about an inch long and bleeding slightly. I shook it to relieve any lingering pain.

. . .

"That's... impossible..." Celestia's gaped at the sight before her. The Human. Alive.

"Highness?" Peppermint hadn't seen the Princess look so surprised in several centuries.

"He just stopped three fully-drawn ballista bolts with his bare hands. No normal Human could do that."

"Perhaps he is not a normal Human? Their magic is very powerful." Peppermint gestured to himself.

"You mean, he is some sort of super-soldier? The vanguard of their invasion?" Her brow furrowed.

"That does seem like something they would do. Send a single, unstoppable soldier to make demands before the main force arrives." Peppermint gazed back at the human from their vantage point on the rooftop, out of sight, but ready to intervene at a moment's notice. But why would he run? he thought to himself.

"Then it is good I have you here. The ballistae, apparently, are no longer effective. You know what to do."

Peppermint cracked his neck. "With pleasure, your Highness."

. . .

The blimps turned back and flew off. Little bitches.

I was about to walk away when golden-armored soldiers started pouring out of the alleyway on either side of me. These ones appeared to be the no-wings no-horn kind of pony. Normal ponies.

They had spears on some sort of rotating apparatus on their sides. Within seconds, I was surrounded by an impenetrable wall of faceless, silent mooks bristling with pointy objects. I was about to pick a random direction to become my door when I heard a voice.

"I did not think the human race to be so arrogant as to send a single man against all of Equestria and expect to succeed." A white pony in a fancy jacket leapt over the spear-studded wall of stallions. He smirked at me. "But, then again, I've overestimated your kind before."

"You know about humans?" My stance relaxed a little.

"Of course. I've fought them." He circled me, slowly and calmly.

"Are you sure we're talking about the same humans? Because I definitely didn't know anything about you guys until I got here." Something about this guy had me on edge. I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Oh, I'm absolutely certain. How could one forget that smell, like the dried flesh of loved ones, and the chemical stink of your disgusting, unnatural magic? It pulses from you like blood from an artery."

"Alright, I get it, you're a monologuer. Can we save this for another time? I'm about to become a living pincushion, and I need to get the hell out of Dodge."

"Oh, no, these fine young stallions won't kill you. They're just keeping you from escaping."

"Well, they're not doing a good job, considering I could probably do exactly that by picking a direction and walking."

"Your arrogance is misplaced, Human."

"On the contrary, pony, considering you brought this many guys to take me out, I must be a pretty big deal. I think that your arrogance is misplaced. Big, bad human, and they send one guy to take me on?"

"No, Human, they sent me!" He shifted his footing to a predator's stance and opened his mouth, revealing a large set of sharp fangs.

"Well, that's definitely new."

He leapt at me with the ferocity of a jungle cat, and I threw out my arm to protect myself. He clamped onto it. The teeth failed to penetrate through my coat, but he had a powerful bite. I grabbed him by the throat and tried to pry him off.

"Hey! Looking's free, but touching's gonna cost you!"

He let go and wriggled free of my grip. "What kind of clothing is that? Obviously not normal skin... perhaps some sort of enchanted material..."

I rubbed the worn surface of my coat. "Oh, you like? One-hundred-percent leather, with a little bit of nanocarbon for strength. Souvenir from my UNJO days, they're real cool about the 'casual workplace attire' thing."

"Hmm. Interesting." He stooped his neck and bit my leg.

"Okay, I really didn't want to hurt you, but you're starting to piss me off. I don't even wanna fucking be here."

I shook him off and lifted him up by the mane. I punched him in the gut and gave him a knee to the solar plexus. I let him fall to the ground, then scooped him up with my foot, launching him into the air. I then caught him mid-flight with a spinning roundhouse kick, sending him flying head-first into the nearest house.

Surprisingly, rather than making a bloody splat, he put a large hole in the wall.

. . .

"Princess! What's going on? Why are the guards attacking John?" The pegasus troopers had successfully extracted Twilight and her young dragon assistant, and deposited her safely on the rooftop, away from the fighting.

Celestia stared straight ahead as she stated matter-of-factly."The guards have been specifically ordered not to attack the Human. Without the proper equipment or training, they would just get themselves killed."

"K-killed?" Twilight's voice broke as she looked back toward the marketplace. She gasped as she watched John launch the well-dressed pony through the Quill and Sofa store. Then, she watched the pony pull himself from the rubble and launch himself at the Human again, clamping onto John's neck with his mouth, like some sort of predatory animal.

"Yes, killed, Twilight. There are not many ponies in my service who could take on a human, and even fewer that I could trust to do the job. Unfortunately, Peppermint seems to be having difficulties, I may be forced to intervene." John held Peppermint by the neck and was beating him savagely across the face. "I must go assist my butler. I promise that I will do my best not to kill your new friend."

"Why would you kill him? He's just defending himself!"

"You will understand soon, Twilight, but I do not have time to explain. Besides, he still needs to tell me where the others are."

The Princess of the Sun took flight, and headed straight for her oldest enemy, and her greatest fear.

. . .

"YOU." Smack.

"WILL." Smack.

"NEVER." Smack.

"SPEAK." Smack.

"OF." Smack.

"MY." Smack.

"MOTHER." Smack.

"AGAIN." Smack.

"Look me in the eyes, you little shit, that's right. Now, say you're sorry before I get really mad." The little pig-fucker spat out a tooth and swallowed a mouthful of blood, eyes full of contempt. Unlike most ponies, whose blood was sort of off-white shot-through with rainbow, this guy's blood was straight black. That, plus his sharpened teeth had me convinced he wasn't normal.

"I apologize for insulting your mother." He was oddly composed for a guy who just got his ass handed to him.

"I'm not sure why you're telling me that. Tell my mom, she's the one you called a 'bipedal spawner of monsters'."

"I, Peppermint the Butler, do humbly apologize to the Human's mother for my hurtful statements previously." I wrapped my free hand around one of his hind legs and twisted. He screamed as the bones popped and the limb bent backwards.

"Count yourself lucky that I'm trying to make a good impression, otherwise I'd have done more than break your leg." I dropped him to the ground just as another pony arrived.

This one was much taller, almost tall enough to look me in the eyes. She was pure white and was wearing golden armor like the guards. Oddly, she had wings and a horn, something I hadn't seen before, usually it was either or none.

I greeted her casually. "Hey, what's goin' on?"

This seemed to throw her off. "Hello..."

"You with these assholes, sugar?" I jerked my head toward the guards that surrounded us. They'd been still as statues since they showed up.

"Ah, yes, they're my Solar Guard. I sent them here to keep you from escaping while Peppermint... Peppermint!"

Her eyes suddenly jumped to the pompous douche-pony whose clock I just thoroughly cleaned. He became sheathed in a yellow glow as she levitated him nearer to her. He cringed at the sudden movement.

I decided to let them have their moment.

"High...ness..." He reached up with a hoof and stroked her muzzle.

"Save your energy, Peppermint. It's going to be alright." The yellow glow intensified.

"No... Highness... You will need... all of your strength... to fight him. He's like... Nothing I've ever seen." His eyes closed and he went limp. Drama queen.

The tall one set him down gently and turned to me. "You will pay for what you have done, Human."

"Oh, calm down, I just broke his leg. Nobody ever died from a broken leg."

"Nonetheless, you've hurt my friend, and that cannot go unpunished. Prepare for battle."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." I rolled my neck and bounced on my toes. She pawed the ground like a bull before charging me, horn-first. Bad idea.

I sidestepped and wrapped one arm around her long neck, and the other around her middle. I shifted my foot back, redirecting her forward momentum into upward momentum. Still holding her, I turned her in mid-air and brought her down on my knee, hard. The impact sent a shock through my leg, but a loud clang told me that I'd put a literal dent in the armor.

But I didn't stop there, not while she was stunned. I grabbed the collar and the hem of her armor and stood up, lifting her fully. She was lighter than she looked, even though she was covered head-to-toe in metal. Digging in my heels, I began spinning her, SM64-style. Once I'd built enough momentum, I released her, sending her crashing through the phalanx of guards. They scattered like bowling pins.

She rolled to her feet and turned to face me. She looked pissed.

"Drop your weapons and get to a safe distance," She ordered her soldiers. The cleared out as quickly as they appeared, leaving their spears behind. Within seconds, every one of the dozens of said spears was being levitated in a yellow glow.

And aimed directly at me.

I sighed.

. . .

Twilight couldn't stand her two friends fighting. She needed to do something. She turned to the nearest guard, hoping for a response.

"You! Fly me down there!" she barked. The guard didn't respond. "Fine! I'll go myself!"

However, just as she was bout to leap off the building, the guard wrapped his hooves around her. "I'm sorry, Miss, I've been ordered not to let you leave."

"Let go of me! My brother's the Captain of the Guard!"

"Well, then, you can take it up with him when this is over, but for now, orders are orders."

"I'm really, really sorry!"

The guard what about to ask what she meant, when Twilight bucked him in the face and then blasted him off the roof. Spike took this as a cue to turn his guard into a living, green blowtorch. He jumped away from the flaming stallion and onto Twilight's back. "We are gonna get in sooooooo much trouble."

"That's not important right now! We need to get them to stop before they kill each other!" She cast a 'Light as a Feather' spell and jumped from the roof, hitting the ground running. She sprinted to the marketplace as fast as she could.

John held a cart above his head to protect himself from the projectiles that were being hurled at him. When the barrage ended, he tossed it aside and scooped one of the spears up, hefting it. He took aim and hurled it at the Princess. She tried to dodge, but somehow, his normal throw was faster and more accurate than her magic-assisted ones. It caught her directly in the wing with a gut-wrenching thunk.

Celestia cried out and fell to the ground, however, she quickly recovered her feet and yanked the spear out with her magic.

"Aww, did the poor widdle pony lose her air superiority? That's just too bad."

She tossed the spear aside, her wound already beginning to heal. Twilight had never seen the Princess bleed before. Her immortal ichor was silver, like melted metal. "Not for long, Human. Besides, I don't need to fly to defeat you."

"Big talk from someone who's been doing it the whole time. Can you back that little statement up, sunshine?"

Celestia snorted and charged him again. John met her halfway, this time catching her by the horn, then spinning and wrapping his tree-like arm around her neck. Unlike with Twilight, it wasn't an accident. He twisted Celestia's giant horn to the side. Twilight could barely hear the bone cracking over her Princess's scream of agony.

"Stop it! Stop fighting!" She cried, but they couldn't hear her.

Celestia kicked backwards, directly into John's genitals, causing him to let out a huff of air followed by a small squeak. He doubled over at the waist, wheezing. Celestia kicked again, knocking him onto his back.

"Stop it!" Twilight screamed. Again, they couldn't hear her.

Celestia pounced on the human, pinning his arms. However, as she failed to pin his legs, his foot kicked up and buried itself in the Princess's vagina. Using this as a distraction, he worked his hand free and punched her in the face with enough force to knock her off.

"STOP!" This time, Twilight's voice echoed so loudly that Spike nearly went deaf. Up until that moment, he'd only had eyes for the epic battle in front of him, but as he wrenched himself away, he noticed that Twilight's eyes glowed white with pure power, and her face was a blank mask.

This had only happened twice before in Twilight's life. She was but a vessel, as the power of gods was forced through her pitiful mortal form. The power was so immense, that if Twilight had been capable of fear at that point, she would have feared it would tear her apart.

Twilight Sparkle held eternity in her hooves. The sky darkened as Rainclouds formed above the unicorns head. The Princess and the Human watched Spike jump clear just as she began to hover above the ground. John and Celestia both ran to her, their battle forgotten.

"Twilight!" They cried simultaneously.

John reached out to touch her, but stopped himself at the last moment."The fuck is wrong with her!?"

There was a glint of genuine fear in Celestia's eyes.

"It seems our fighting has upset her to the point that her emotions have taken control of her powers. If Twilight were a normal Unicorn, we would take cover and let her have her tantrum, but I fear with the amount of magic that Twilight commands, such an event could destroy all of Ponyville, you, me, and Twilight included." She looked sideways at the Human. "Well, maybe not you."

"Hmm. You got a point, sugar." He grinned. "If that's the case, then I'm about to do something either really stupid or really smart."

John leaped up and pulled Twilight back to the ground. He wrapped his body around hers in a tight hug. She was so small for something so powerful. John could actually feel the energy emanating from her.

Why does he care? thought Celestia. The torrent of magical force caused by Twilight's meltdown would have been ample time for him to escape, and he wouldn't be affected by the destruction in the slightest. The explosion would erase his trail, and anyone stupid enough to try to follow him, so why did he bother?

His null-magic field slowly began to leech the destructive force away, just as he'd hoped. The white light seeped from her eyes as they drifted shut, and the dark clouds in the sky disappeared.

The little Unicorn slumped in John's arms, a dead weight. She whimpered. "Please... just... stop fighting."

"It's okay, Sparky, if you don't want us to fight, we'll stop." He stroked her mane soothingly. She opened her eyes, and stared into his deep blue ones, deep like the ocean. He was so handsome.

"John... I..." She couldn't bring herself to finish.

John set her down and laughed his deep, crackly laugh. "Holy shit, that was fuckin' intense!"

He turned to Celestia and grinned. The Princess flinched as he thrust his hands toward her.

"Well, sugar, you heard the lady! Cuff me!"

Author's Note

The title is ironic, because it wasn't very early at all.
In fact, by most people's standards, it was rather late.