Anthrexia: A New Element

"Hello, Derpy!"

"Hiya, Twilight! I brought you a letter!"

"Don't you always?"

The letter in question appeared to be from Nurse Redheart. It was stamped with a big red URGENT on the front. Well, that explains why they sent Derpy. She may not be the most graceful mare, but when it came to the mail, she was the best, hooves-down. Twilight slit the letter open with her magic and read:

Twilight, if you're not doing anything, I would suggest you get down to the hospital right away. Today Pinkie Pie and the Cakes dragged in something that is, to say the least, a very interesting specimen.
P.S. He's a big one.

-Nurse Redheart

Incidently, Twilight had planned this to be a checklist day, and there was nothing on her schedule for the next two hours. She needed something to fill the hole. "Thanks, Derpy," she said, magically tucking a bit into the mailmare's saddlebag.

"Anytime, Twilight!" The mare saluted and flew off, accidentally knocking over Mister Withers awning with a misplaced wingtip. Twilight smiled and shook her head, then turned back into the doorway and called up to Spike.

"Spiiiiiike! I've got to go down to the hospital later! It's going to be a very busy day!" She was answered by a sleepy but confirmative grumble. It was the scheduled checklist day, after all, of course he woke up early. But he wouldn't be happy about it.

After they both had their morning coffee, they were feeling a bit more energetic. Spike astonishingly so.

"Qwill?" Twilight asked, floating a spare qwill to her writing desk.

"Check!"

"Parchment?" The parchment was already on the desk.

"Check!"

"Extra Ink?" She asked, floating a bottle of dark liquid over Spike's head.

"Check!"

"Extra, Extra Ink?" Spike raised an eyebrow, but checked it off nonetheless.

"Check!"

"Is that everything on the checklist?"

"Yup!"

"Great! Now that we've completed the checklist of things we need to create a checklist, we can make my checklist of the things I have to get done by the end of the day! Ready?"

"Ready!"

"Item one: Create checklist of the things I have to accomplish by the end of the day!" She finished with a massive grin, fully aware of her trolling. Spike sighed and slumped to the ground. Suddenly, a loud screaming could be heard out the window. Twilight instantly recognized her friend Pinkie Pie's voice, but she coundn't quite make out what she was saying. Soon, Mister Cakes voice could be heard as well. She turned to Spike. His dragon hearing was better than hers.

"Can you figure out what they're saying?"

"No, Pinkie's talking too fast, and Mister Cake's not talking loud enough."

"Well, I hope they work it out. We've got to pick up an order of cupcakes later."

Spike paused, then asked hesitantly, "Uh... Twilight? What's 'Rape' mean?"

"I'll tell you when you're older."

By the time they finished their checklist, it was mid-morning. They were behind schedule, so without further ado, they set off to actually accomplish the things the checklist implied. About a quarter of the way through, it became obvious they wouldn't finish if they didn't improvise. So Twilight suggested that Spike drop off her cape at the cleaners and return the blackboard she borrowed, while Twilight ordered new parchment and quills from the stationary shop and then visited the hospital.

And so Twilight Sparkle began her short trot to the hospital. Ordering the parchment and quills had only taken a few minutes, she was a regular customer, after all. And she did come by almost every week, if not more. She could have sworn she just placed an order a few days ago. But, then again, her sudden obsession with checklists used up a lot of parchment. With that chore done, that left her with almost an hour to study her new specimen!

It seemed like the ideal day for it, all sunshine, not a cloud in the sky. Normally, she would have made a quip about how Rainbow Dash actually got up early to clear the clouds, but Twilight knew she didn't give Rainbow enough credit. Besides, it was too nice a day for disparaging comments. As Twilight walked leisurely through the market, she noticed how busy it was, a lot of bits changing hooves, a lot of gossip exchanged. Everypony seemed to be having a productive day! Especially Twilight. After the visit to the hospital, she planned on meeting up with Spike for a quick lunch, then heading down to Sugarcube Corner, to pick up the cupcakes for her picnic with the girls later.

When the lavender pony arrived at the hospital and got a visitors pass, she noticed that the normally-quiet hospital was a bit more crowded than usual. Of course. It had been barely been a week since Discords attack on Ponyville, there would be a few side effects from the ancient magics released in that final showdown. One of the voices stood out above the others. A deep, masculine voice growl with a soft, but insistent voice that Twilight recognized as Nurse Redheart.

"You shouldn't be out of bed yet, John! Look at your legs!"

"My legs are fine, Red. I already told you, they're supposed to bend like that."

Interesting. Twilight stopped outside the doorway to listen some more.

"HEY! Don't take that off! You need that!"

"No, I don't. The cuts aren't even bleeding anymore. You guys did a good job." Crack. "Other than the casts. For the third and final time, my legs are not broken, this is how they look normally." Crunch! "Did you try to shave my pants off? This is not fur, it is a removable covering. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GODDAMN BOXERS?" The last exasperated exclamation made Twilight jump.

"That's everything that Pinkie could find in her room that wasn't hers! What were their names? Maybe they're trying to win the Golden Hooves or something?"

Long pause.

"That's not the kind of boxer I meant... Never mind. I guess I'm going commando. Again." There was a slight shifting of cloth, a zipper zipping, a soft snap, then the sound of a curtain opening.

"How do I look?"

"Like an alien."

"Too bad I forgot to bring my laser."

Nurse Redheart giggled. Twilight decided it was time to reveal herself. She walked in confidently, turned to the white pony, and said "Hello, Nurse Redheart. You said you had a sample for me to study?" The nurse, surprised by the unicorn's sudden entry, started slightly when Twilight spoke, then gestured with a hoof to the figure across the room. Twilight hadn't noticed it in her attempt to make a good, confident first impression. The purple unicorn turned to address the newcomer and was struck dumb.

It was... unlike anything Twilight had ever seen. In all of the books she had read, in all of the adventures with her friends, this creature in front of her was a complete unknown. It's most prominent feature was the fact that it stood upon two legs. Only a few creatures in Equestria could stand on their hind legs comfortably, this... thing was not among them. It looked almost as if it were as confused as she was, those beady, staring eyes. Then it shifted its body to the side, without moving its legs, almost as if to get a better look. It bared its teeth and advanced on the ponies. Twilights horn flared and she wrapped a protective fore hoof around the pale mare next to her, "Be ready to run, I think it's about to charge."

The creature stopped at this, and looked even more confused, its eyes started to search the room. Twilight, keeping her eyes to the beast, whispered into Nurse Redhearts ear, "Keep still, I think its vision is based on movement." At this, the creatures eyes snapped back to the pair. It bared its teeth in a wicked smile and growled, in a deep baritone:

"Clever girl," It said with mock reverence. Then it chuckled at its own joke. Twilight recognized the voice as the one she had heard outside. She blanched. Redheart had been talking to it before Twilight even arrived! Talking to it like a normal pony, it hadn't been chained up or anything! It was probably perfectly harmless, and Twilight had acted as if it was a monster! Her face, neck, and probably entire body, turned a bright scarlet as embarrassment flooded her. She removed her foreleg from the nurse, and realized she had been covering Redhearts mouth with a hoof. If it were possible, Twilight would have gotten redder. Nurse Redheart instantly began talking.

"Twilight Sparkle! I'm surprised at you! You, of all ponies, I thought would understand! We found this poor guy hurt and all alone, confused and without a friend in the world, beaten and..."

"Red," The creature chimed in sternly, "I think she understands, and besides, you're talking about me like I'm a freaking lost puppy. And I told you earlier to quit looking at me like that. It's making me uncomfortable." Indeed, the motherly nurse was giving it a look of adoration that would have melted even the coldest of hearts. Unfortunately, it was wasted on the creature. It just turned to look at Twilight.

"Now tell me, miss, are you, pray tell, a fucking unicorn?"

Twilight was confused.

"Ummm, yes, I'm a unicorn, although I have no idea what 'fucking' is."

The unknown sat back on the bed with a heavy thump. With her fight or flight instinct fading away, Twilight took this opportunity to examine the creature more more closely. As the adrenaline seeped out of her body, the features that looked grotesque earlier, gained a sort of art to it.

It had a short, hay-colored mane on his head. While its eyes were small, on closer inspection, they were the perfect size for its face, and they were the darkest, prettiest blue she had ever seen, deep and mysterious, like the ocean. On the side of its head it had these cute little round ears that were laid flat to his head, probably out of fear. That little fleshy triangle in the middle of his face... she couldn't figure out what it was until she noticed that it flared slightly when he took a breath. Surrounding the slit under its nose that she assumed was its mouth, there was a ring of fur that reminded her of the beards some stallions grew.

Its shoulders were broader than any stallions she'd ever seen, and it was wearing some sort of thin, black cloak that ended at its waistline. The creatures flank and legs were a sort of lightish-blue in color. Twilight eyes lingered over its knees. Apparently they were supposed to bend that way, but she couldn't blame Nurse Redheart for being concerned. They looked painful.

Only a moment had passed. The thing let out an exasperated sigh, and brought a hoof to its face. Twilights jaw dropped. That wasn't a hoof. At first, she thought the appendage looked a little like Spikes claws, or maybe like a minotaurs trotter, but then she counted the digits. One-two-three-four-five. Five.

It slid the appendage down its face until just the tips of the... digits were touching the bottom of its jaw. She noticed that they had little caps on the ends of them that looked a little like hooves. Tiny ones. It dropped them to its knee and started to speak again.

"Alright, so I passed out drunk and woke up in the land of magical ponies and unicorns. I've found myself hungover in stranger places. Well, maybe not as..." It trailed off when it noticed Twilight still staring at the... whatever it was. The thing at the end of its foreleg couldn't be called a claw or a paw. It picked up the appendage and wiggled the digits. Twilights eyes followed, wide. The creature chuckled again.

Still smiling, it explained slowly, like it was talking to a filly, "This is called a hand. Humans use them to move stuff around." It demonstrated this by picking up the vase full of flowers on the table next to his bed, then setting it down. It chuckled again.

Twilight didn't like being talked down to and laughed at like an ignorant foal. "Yeah? And how was I supposed to know that? What are you anyway? Some kind of shaved diamond dog?" She could almost hear the whooshing noise of the insult going right over its head. It just kept smiling, that infuriatingly cute smile, with those sharp little teeth in the corners...

Redheart stepped in before the Twilights mane caught fire again. "That's what you're here to find out, remember? New specimen, studying? Is any of this ringing a bell?"

"Oh, right..." It wasn't like her to forget things, but there was something, unsettling about this creature. It made her feel weird. Trying to ignore the biped, she aked Nurse Redheart, "Where did you say you found it again?"

"According to the Cakes, he was in Pinkie Pie's bed, of all places" At this, Twilight raised an eyebrow.
Noticing Twi's expression, the creature frowned and stated simply, "No."

The unicorn shook her head and moved on, "I'm going to need my supplies if I'm going to be studying it." She glanced at the creature again, "Scratch that, I'm going to need everything. It'd be best if I just took it home. When does it get out?"

The creature stood up suddenly, its previous frown had deepened into a scowl.

"Two things, Lady. I'm a 'He', not an 'It'. Get it right. And you're high if you think I'm going anywhere with some random bi... chick, who I just met." Twilight was surprised by his sudden ferocity. He looked like he wanted to attack her, but he stood his ground.

Redheart stepped in. "John, calm down. I know you've had a traumatic experience, and you probably aren't feeling very trusting of anypony right now, but you trust me, don't you?"

It... He closed his eyes and sighed. "Yes."

"Then trust me when I say, Twilight Sparkle will not hurt or mistreat you in any way. Will she?" The Nurse turned to the unicorn. She nodded.

John's eyes snapped open and he smirked. "You say that like she could."

Twilight definitely did not like his attitude. It almost reminded her of Trixie. Her feelings were getting all mixed up. She wanted to study him, and learn everything there was to learn about him, but she also wanted to walk out right then. Of course, the former option won. She was Twilight Sparkle, after all.

He sighed again and spoke. "So, what's the plan, then? Do I just walk out with her?"

Nurse Redheart answered him, "If it were up to me, you wouldn't be walking out at all. But, since I'm sure Twilight has been looking forward to this, my shift ends at 11. I'll leave you with her till then, then I'll pick you up, at say... The Hay Barn?"

"Actually, that works perfectly, I was planning on meeting Spike there for lunch at eleven"

John chimed in, speaking like on of those annoying Valley Mares, "Like, OHMYGOD, you two are, like, SO in sync right now? Spooky." He dropped back into his normal voice. "But seriously, though." He shook his head "I guess I'm okay with that. All of my plans for today got thrown out the window when I woke up in Pinks bed."

Twilight vowed that she would get the whole story from him sooner or later.

"It's settled then."