Anthrexia: A New Element

It wasn't a dream. I knew that much. My dreams were painful, but not THIS painful. My head still hurt like a bitch from the hangover, and now it was even bitchier from the various collisions with the door frames. I thought horses were supposed to BIGGER than people.

Speaking of horses, these creatures didn't look much like 'em. Like I said before, they were too small. The first mini-horse I met, what did they say her name was? 'Pinkie Pie?' Yeah, she had been bright pink. This unicorn, 'Twilight Sparkle' was purple. Reds mane was pink, but I had assumed she'd dyed it. But then again, you couldn't blame me. Most of the girls I met had dyed their hair, why shouldn't a sapient horse be able to? Anyway, they were small, their coats were unnatural colors, et cetera, et cetera. And the eyes, man. They were WAAAY too big, like, as in, their brain shouldn't fit it their skulls. But I digress.

Red was, to say the least, concerned. "Now, make sure that if anything feels wrong, you come see me right away!"

So far, she'd been the only horse I'd met that hadn't immediately become aggressive toward me. Quite the opposite, in fact, she was fussing over me like a newborn baby. It was hard to get annoyed at such a nice girl, but after being asked about ten million times if I'm comfortable, if I'm hungry, If I need to go to the bathroom, it was getting harder and harder to share space with her. Especially since I've been through worse.

"I'll make sure to do that, Red." She giggled at her new nickname, and the way she laughed reminded me of my mom. I bit my lip to keep away the memories. The last thing I needed was to start bawling in front of these things.

To distract myself, I decided to take stock of my inventory. I put my hand into the right front pocket of my pants, and pulled out the familiar black-screened device. I slid to unlock, then checked the basic information. No bars. No GPS. I shook my head again.

The unicorn looked with interest at the tool in my hand as I browsed through my various apps. Eventually, She got up the courage, or the gall to ask what it was.

"This," I turned the glowing screen toward her, "Is a smartphone."

Now, she was interested. "What does it do?"

"Smartphones do many things. For example, right now, my smartphone is telling me that it is useless." To her obvious disappointment, I turned it off and slipped it back into my pocket. I had a feeling I wouldn't be getting any calls for a while.

I tried my back pocket. Wallet. I pulled it out and checked the contents. Couple hundred bucks. ID. Driver's licence. Credit card. Condom. Spare condom. Spare spare condom. All of it, useless. And yes, I keep three condoms in my wallet. Don't judge me.

The purple one was absolutely fucking ENTHRALLED with the items in my wallet. She didn't even hesitate this time before she started bombarding me with questions. I sighed, and told her,

"Listen, Sparks. I know I'm all new and interesting, but if you could hold your questions until AFTER I get out of this damn hospital, it would be much appreciated." I turned to my favorite nurse and winked at her. "No offense, Red. Maybe we can hang out sometime when you're not on-duty, hmm?" She blushed.

While Twilight blinked at her new nickname, I pulled on my coat. I felt something press against my chest. I raised an eyebrow and checked the front interior pocket. My fingers touched cool metal. Could it be...? I pulled the object from the pocket. It was...

My hip flask.

"Oh, thank Morgan Freeman and all his disciples," I breathed, and took a quick swig. Oh, heaven. The vodka burned my throat as it went down, and I felt better almost instantly. Sparks looked like she wanted to ask me another question, but a glance from me, and she swallowed it. I seriously wasn't in the mood for a game of twenty questions right now. I needed to get out of this hospital soon. Extended time in places of healing had made me nervous ever since the incident with the fireworks. Red seemed nice enough, though.

"Alright, Sparky, let's roll out before you fuckin' explode. See you later, Red." I replaced the flask in my coat pocket, and cast one last cursory glance about the room to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. Unfortunately, despite everything, I still couldn't seem to find my fucking boxers. Trapped in the land of magical ponies without underwear. It was one of the strangest predicaments I had ever found myself in. Well, at least I have booze.

We walked out, or in Sparky's case, trotted out. I signed out at the front desk, earning a few stares from a couple of horses in the waiting room. Twilight stopped me with a hoof before I could walk out. I raised an inquiring eyebrow, addressing the unicorn. "What now?"

"I'm going to need you to stay with me when we go out there, and if you get lost, ask for directions to the library. But I'd prefer if you stuck with me. The ponies around here trust me, so if you're with me, they won't cause a scene or bother you too much."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever you say. Why the library, though?"

"I live there."

"You live in a library?"

"Yes. Why? Is there something wrong with that?" She answered, starting to look angry again. I sighed.

"Alright, Sparks. I know first impressions are hard to erase, and we haven't exactly hit it off, but you sound like a nice girl and I would rather be your friend than your enemy. So, if you're willing, maybe we could have a do-over?" I gave her a winning smile and held out a hand. I was about to explain the gesture when she put her hoof in my hand and shook it firmly.

As we exited the hospital, I attempted to alleviate the tension by starting a conversation. "Alright, cool! So, you live in a library. Are you a librarian, or just a VERY dedicated student?" I'd intended the latter to be a joke, but she nodded.

"I'm both actually. Princess Celestia put me in charge of the Golden Oaks Library while I'm here studying the magic of friendship. I'm her best and most faithful student!" she added with pride.

"Modest, too. Kidding." She'd started to get red again, and I didn't want to upset her so quickly after the do-over. "Who's this Celestia person? Red said her name a few times."

The unicorn just stared at me.

"What?"

"You're joking, right?"

"The one time I'm not."

"Princess Celestia is the Co-ruler of all Equestria, along with Princess Luna! She raises the sun every morning? You must have hit your head pretty hard, John... How many hooves am I holding up?" She held up a hoof.

"One. I did hit my head pretty hard, though. Maybe that's why the name sounds so familiar..." Indeed, much of this place was ringing tiny bells in my head, but I couldn't quite put my finger on whatever it was. Equestria, Ponyville, Celestia. DING DING DING. Whatever, I'd figure it out later. We continued walking, I cast, glances around every once in a while, trying not to look too attentive while also taking in EVERYTHING. The houses appeared to be about 17th-century style, not very modern, but they weren't living in mud huts. We walked into what I assumed to be some sort of market square, and I got a nice, blinding faceful of the damn sun again. Since I was still hungover, this was worse than it sounds.

"Ugh..." I groaned, shielding my eyes with one hand and reaching for the right pocket of my jacket with the other. To my own surprise, I found a pair of glasses in it. Sunglasses. Aviators.

"Sweet! I love these glasses!" I exclaimed, spinning them in my hand once, then putting them on over my eyes. "Nice..."

The discovery of my glasses reminded me that I had a whole other pocket, I searched through this one too. My lighter, a box of cigarettes. I shook the box, then opened it. I had a few left. I took one out and showed it to Sparks.

"Do you know what this is?" I asked. We were still walking through a market square full of mini-horses.

"No. Why? What is it?"

"Good." I nodded once, not answering her question. This was good for two reasons: One, smoking is bad, and innocent pink ponies did not belong doing it. Two, believe it or not, I had been meaning to quit. I tucked the box back into my pocket, tucked the cigarette in my lips, and lit that sucker. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, I thought. Sparky's eyes widened as I brought the lighter up to my face and lit the little cancer agent. I dropped the lighter back into the pocket as well, then took a long pull, French inhaling. As I blew the smoke out my nostrils, my little purple friend started asking very obvious questions.

"Is that SMOKE?"

"Yes."

"Are you a DRAGON?"

"No."

"Then how are you breathing it out?"

In answer, I waved the still-burning cigarette at her.

"So, you are purposely breathing in smoke?"

"Yes."

"Isn't that BAD for you?

"Yes."

"Then, why do you do it?"

"Because I'm addicted. This is my last one, though, so, hopefully I'm done. And before you ask me a crap load of questions, I'm not going to explain the flask, or this," I waved the cigarette again. "Because, according to you, this place hasn't been graced with either of them, and I'm gonna keep it that way. Just because I'm a pathetic druggie bastard, doesn't mean the rest of you have to be."

Sparky looked taken aback. Again. Geez, if everyone around here is this fragile, I might as well hide myself. I can't even have a serious conversation with a magical unicorn without her staring at me like I killed her family. Dammit, John, play nice.

"Look, I'm sorry I'm being such an asshole. It's just that the concussion, plus certain choices on my part, have left me with a splitting headache. It'll go away eventually. Ask me something else." I attempted to placate her. She immediately became excited again, and started spewing questions af fast as I could answer them. I'm really going to regret telling her to do that.

After what seemed like hours to me, but was probably only, like, two minutes, we finally got to our destination: Ponyville Public Library. Sparky stopped walking. I was field-stripping the cigarette butt, removing the paper and tobacco so I could save the filter, which is not biodegradable. I was still walking as I did this and accidentally bumped into her ass. Being as her ass is at my crotch level, I expected this to be extremely awkward, but she didn't seem to notice. I honestly was too hungover to care, so for the whole of this next conversation we were in the doggy-style position. She just turned and gestured to the building in front of us.

"Well, here we are! Golden Oaks Library!"

"Yaaaay..." I tossed the paper and leftover tobacco off to the side and put the filter in my pocket to throw away later. I looked up, and what I saw would irrevocably change my life forever. I found myself looking up at...

A library.

But not just any library. It was...

Twilight Sparkle's library.

My mouth dropped open and I turned to the purple unicorn, pointing at her.

"You're Twilight Sparkle!"

She looked at me like I was crazy, and to be honest, I was halfway there.

"I thought we'd already established that..." She recoiled slightly at the manic look in my eye.

"You're the pony from the... library... and the..." Actually, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to tell them that
they're from a TV show. "Never mind."

"Ooooookay, insanity aside for the moment..."

"DON'T WORRY TWILIGHT! I'LL SAVE YOOOUUUU!" A high-pitched voice interrupted us.

Bitch senses... tingling... I took a single step back in time to see a pink blur streak by, inches from my face. It landed on its hooves a few feet away. I recognized it as the first pony I'd come in contact with... the dreaded Pink One.

I chuckled. "Nice miss, bitch."

The Pink One, of course, was furious. "Twilight, get away from him! It's too late for me, but you can still save yourself! RUN!" Sparks just kind of just stood there, confused. Pink rounded on me.

"I don't know how you escaped, but I'm bringin' you back in! Ponies like you disgust me, taking advantage of helpless mares! And Twilight! You would take from her the thing that she's been saving for her first special somepony? You monster!"

Sparks snapped out of it, then blushed, "Pinkie! You said you wouldn't tell anypony!"

Before I continue, I'm going to reiterate, that, at the time, I was hungover as a bitch, recovering from a concussion, still in shock from finding myself in a land of magical ponies, and I had now once again had the pleasure of meeting the crazy pink whore who now seemed thoroughly convinced that we had unconsensual sex. Suffice to say, I was sick of this shit.

"You know what, Pink? FUCK YOU! I wouldn't rape you even if you wanted it! Do you think I asked for this? If you've got a fucking problem with me, why don't we settle it? I'm not afraid to hit a lady." I took a fighting stance. She looked pretty fast, and a small target, but I thought I could take her. Turns out I wouldn't have to.

Sparkles was in between us before Pink could retort.

"Hey! Don't either of you two think that this has gotten a little out of hoof?" She glared at me. I glared right back. Pink snorted like a horse, but relaxed a little. "Now, Pinkie, can you tell me exactly what happened?"

And so she did. And I managed to ignore the whole thing. Here's how it sounded in my brain:

"Well first I was asleep and I was dreaming about..." Ellie Goulding, take me away from this place. I began bobbing my head to the beat as I magnificently ignored the mares, so enthralled in their petty conversation.

I had a way theeeeeen, losing it all on my oooown,

I had a heart theeeeen, but the queen has been overthroooown,

And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat,

And I'm not keeping now, the strength I need to push me,

"And then, I woke up, and he was there, so I screamed and he screamed and we were both screaming..." Holy crap, is she still talking?

You show the lights that stop me, turn to stoooone,

You shine it when I'm alooone,

And so I tell myself that I'll be stroooong,

And dreaming when they're gooone!

"And then he hit his head on the door and I was gonna ask if he was ok but then I remembered he raped me
and he deserved it..." She hasn't taken a breath yet...

Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home,

Calling, calling, calling home,

You show the lights that stop me, turn to stone,

Shining, when I'm aloooone!

"And then he was talking and I was confused so I asked Mr. Cake but then he got up..." I wonder if anybody else plays music in their head when they ignore somebody...

Noises, I play within my head,

Touch my own skiiiiin, and hope that I'm still breathing,

And I think back to wheeeen, my brother and my sister slept,

In an unlocked place, the only time I feel safe.

"And then he knocked himself out and I wanted to get back at him but Mr. Cake wanted to make sure he was ok so we took him to the hospital..." I don't like the sound of that...

You show the lights that stop me, turn to stoooone,

You shine it when I'm alooone,

And so I tell myself that I'll be stroooong,

And dreaming when they're gooone!

"And I was gonna go to the hospital to make sure that he was put behind bars when he was better but Nurse Redheart told me he was released this morning..." Ugh...

Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home,

Calling calling calling home,

You show the lights that stop me, turn to stone,

Shining, when I'm aloooone!

"And I got really scared so I started looking for him and I saw him and he was gonna rape you so I tried to tackle him but he moved..." Sweet Jesus, this is the longest rant ever...

Lights, lights, lights, lights,

Lights, lights, lights,

Lights, lights, lights, lights,

Lights, lights, lights.

"And then it's now." She took a big breath after that, then sat back on her rump, squeeing slightly. Sparky turned to me.

"John?"

"In all of my years, I have never pleasured anybody without their consent, be they man or woman, human or pony. That's my story and I'm sticking to it." I frowned. "Do look like a rapist to you?"

She facepalmed, er, facehoofed. "I don't know what you look like, John. The last time I ignored Pinkie, the town got overrun with parasprites. Tell you what Pinkie, I'll keep him under surveillance, while you go get 'checked out' You know what I mean, don't you?"

Cotton Candy scowled. "I already did, the test was negative. They said I was overreacting."

"HA!" That was me.

Sparky rolled her eyes, then looked apologetically at her friend. "Sorry, Pinkie. I'm going to have to take a professional's opinion on this one. If he does try anything, I think I can take him. Remember the Ursa?"

This seemed to satisfy her, though she didn't appear happy about it. "I'm still going to get him back, though. And I'm not going to throw him a 'Welcome to Equestria' party, either!" And with that, the tiny pink horse stuck out her tongue at me, blew a loud rasberry, then disappeared.

"This isn't over, is it?"

"Not by a long shot."

I closed my eyes, pinched the bridge of my nose, and heaved a huge sigh. "Let's just go inside." She sighed, too, and shook her head. I followed her to the door. Her horn flared and the door opened. I wasn't surprised. I didn't remember much about the show, to be honest. I generally only watched cartoons when I was drunk, high, depressed, or an unholy combination of the three. But I could recall basic details, unicorns have telekinesis, the purple ones name was Twilight, and she had a pet lizard or something.

You couldn't blame me for not recognizing it sooner. Everything was realistic here. I could count the individual hairs on Spark's back. But that image of the library brought it all back. I had to give that a minute to sink in: I'm in a cartoon. Wait a second... If I'm a human male... and this morning, I woke up in Ponyland with no memory of how I got there... then there is only one logical conclusion.

I am the main character in a badly-written fanfiction.

I REALLY hope I don't end up fucking a cartoon horse.

The door closed behind me, snapping me out of my silent revelations. I heard the door lock, and the blinds close. We were bathed in a cloak of darkness. Now, I was nervous. I'd played enough video games to know that nothing good ever happens when the door locks behind you. Suddenly, Twilight placed a gentle hoof on my chest, her weight pressing my back into the door. She gave me a strange look, then licked her lips.

"Now, let's get you out of those clothes. I wanna see what you REALLY look like."

ಠ_ಠ

Oh, please, God, no.