Anthrexia: A New Element

ಠ_ಠ

Oh, please, God, no.

"Ho, ho there, girl, not on the first date!" I joked, but on the inside, I was very, very scared. I had two problems with my current situation, in no particular order:

She had dropped no hints, I had had no idea she was into me. Take me by surprise, why dontcha.

She's a goddamn horse.

She looked hurt. "What?"

Shit, now I hurt her feelings. "Well, don't you think we're taking this a bit fast? Maybe we should, like, go on a
few dates or something? Hmm?" Yeah, right. I'm not fucking a horse.

Why is she confused now? "Are you asking me out?"

"Says the girl who just pinned me to the wall and is trying to take my clothes off."

More confusion. "I don't understand."

A glimmer of hope. Maybe... this isn't the rape scene? Maybe.... maybe it's just culture shock? I searched my memory. In the show, they didn't wear clothes most of the time, so the concept of constantly being clothed might be new to them.

I attempted to explain. "Well.... humans are used to being clothed all the time. there's a reason we call our privates 'privates'. Generally, we only remove our clothing for..... potential mates."

"Oh.... OH!" She turned bright red. It was kinda cute in a completely non-sexual way.

"Uh.... Sparky? Could you get off? Of me?" She immediately obliged, launching into full explanation mode.

"I didn't mean it like that! I'm not going to mate with... Well, not that you're ugly, but I hardly know you! I just
wanted to get an accurate sketch, because finding a new species is a big thing that everyone should know about-"

"Hey. Shh." I put a finger to her lips. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, you bunch of pervs, I was just trying to get her to shut up. Her voice wasn't annoying per se, but she was talking really fast and it was kind of high-pitched. Not good for a hangover.

"You had me scared Sparky. I thought I was going to get raped. Why did you close the blinds?"

"You were acting very sensitive to the light, so I thought that might make you more comfortable. Guess it did the opposite, huh?" She gave a nervous little laugh.

I sighed. "Don't worry about it, you caught me by surprise, is all. I'd be happy to pose for a sketch." I'd actually modeled for an art class back in college. It wasn't horrible, though for alot of girls I think it was just an excuse to look at my dick. I don't think that's the case for Sparky. Or, at least I hope not. Hard to tell, she's excited enough.

"You would really do that for me? Ooh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" She started jumping around me in circles, shouting 'yes'.

"Sure, I mean, we're both adults here, right? Purely scientific interest, right?"

Wait.

"You are an adult, right?"

She laughed. "Of course I'm an adult! I'm 22!"

"Great...." I started untying my shoes. When I got them off, she started staring.

"Twat?"

"Your hooves come off?"

"Not hooves, shoes. Our feet are kinda soft, so we wear them when we walk around. Think of them as....
artificial hooves."

Next, shirt. In a single movement, perfected from five years of being an eligible bachelor, I pulled my shirt off, revealing my, (if you ask me) rather muscular chest.

Now she was staring again. "If you're gonna do that every time I remove an article of clothing, I'm not gonna do this."

She looked away. "Sorry."

"Fine, I'll bite. What?"

"Well.... I... I...."

"C'mon."

"I thought you were male, but I guess not." She turned red again.

"I am male. I have a dick." I gave her a look. With my eyes, not of my dick, ya pervs.

"B-But, you have teats!"

"What are you talking about?"

She pointed with a hoof toward my pectoral muscle.

"Your point? Dudes have nipples, too."

"No, they don't."

"Yes, they do."

"No, they don't."

"Well, human males do, okay?" I finished, facepalming. It's too early, and I'm too hungover for this shit. I barely
got my shirt off and she's arguing with me about my own anatomy, for Chrissakes.

I pulled off my socks and unbuttoned my pants. Of course, she had something to say about that, too.

"Why is there a lock on that?"

"It's a button. It keeps them from falling off."

"Why do you wear so much clothes?"

"Tradition, I'd say." Short and simple. But, of course, she wasn't going for that.

"You have a tradition based on a nudity taboo? That seems a little strange..."

"Well, to elaborate, we lost our fur, so we put on clothes, and now we feel naked when we take them off."

"Why'd you lose your fur?"

"You ask a lot of questions. The answer is: No idea. It was a long time ago. Evolution."

"Pricess Celestia said that questions are a sign of an active mind."

"Well, congratu-fucking-lations to her. Me? I'm still hungover. So please, hold your questions until after the
demonstration." I sweeped my arm dramatically before jumping in the air, grabbing the hems of my pants, yanking them
off, then landing on my feet with them in hand. I'd perfected this trick in high school. Apparently, Sparky found it impressive, she started ~~clopping~~ clapping her hooves, and laughing. I bowed sarcastically and dropped my pants to the ground. Then again, there isn't much I don't do sarcastically.

"Ta-da. I am now indecent." She finished ~~clopping~~ clapping and looked at me expectantly. I guess holding true to her 'Hold questions until after' promise.

. . .

Pinkamena Diane Pie was sitting in her room with the lights off, a manic grin on her face as she gazed lovingly at her tools. She picked one of them up, a long shiny number that was sure to do some damage. She licked the sweet, salty nectar off of it as she contemplated the large gynecologists table she had installed. She didn't know who, or what this 'John' thing was, but she did know one thing:

They were going to have alot of fun together.

. . .

A sudden shiver ran down my spine.

"What? Are you cold? I know a few spells that could-"

"No, no... I just had a weird chill there..."

"O...kay... Well, back to business." With her horn, she levitated a notebook with a similar emblem to her ass-
tattoo. Actually, the same emblem.

"That custom? It matches the mark on your butt." I gestured between the notebook and said mark.

"It's called a cutie mark, and yes it is! I've been saving it for a special occasion!" She flipped it open.

"I'm flattered." I said, toning down my sarcasm till it almost sounded genuine. She just floated a pencil to the
paper and looked at me expectantly.

"What, you want I should strike a pose?" I struck a ridiculuously lewd pose. "I want you to draw me, Twilight.
Draw me like one of your French mares."

The sudden movement caused my penis to start wagging back and forth, which caused her eyes to follow it,
which was kind of funny. Until she opened her mouth again.

"Does it always... hang like that?"

"Yep."

"I can kind of see why you wear clothes all the time, now. Just... stand like you normally would, I guess."

I complied. She began to draw. Now, I would say that during these minutes I contemplated how I got here and
what I was going to do now. But then I would be lying. Ever since I dropped out of college, I'd taken my life one day at a
time. It made it easier to dodge the curveballs sent my way by God or Morgan Freeman or whoever was in charge. Or,
maybe now it was this Celestia chick. Whatever. So, basically I just stood there with a somber expression until she
finished up the sketch.

"There, that goes in the archives... Now, I'll need one of you clothed to send to the princess." She slid the
notebook onto a small secluded shelf, possibly her personal works.

"Why didn't you do that before I got naked?" She blushed when I asked.

"I...I guess I was just excited."

"..."

"..."

"...Sweet Jesus, that sounded wrong." I began putting my clothes back on. I gestured to the bookcase. "Can I
see the sketch?"

I'd already managed to get my pants zipped and buttoned by the time she answered.

"I guess..." She seemed reluctant.

She floated the notebook over and grabbed it out of the air. The sketch was crazy accurate. It even had parts labeled. I had to correct her on a few things, though.

I tossed the notebook back to her, then pointed at my blonde hair. "Hair, not mane." I pointed at my
nose. "Nose, not snout."

She raised an eyebrow as she made use of the eraser. "So, you call your manes hair? Your hair, would then be
made of hair?"

"I heard you like hair."

"What?"

I slipped back into my shirt. "Nothing. Is my dick really that big, or did you 'Enlarge to show detail'?"

"I tried to be as accurate as possible. Is it normally smaller? I'd guess you're about average for a stallion." Her
voice dropped as her face fell. "Not that I would know."

She's comparing my penis size to that of a horses. I should be flattered. "Yeah, I heard what the pink one said."
She turned red again. She's embarassed. I sit down in a chair to tie my shoes. My mouth commits insubordination.

"Listen, Sparky. I take it you're embarassed about being a virgin. Don't be. I lost mine to some fucking slut who
dumped me when I stopped buying shit for her. And if you don't count anal, I lost it to some bitch who left me when I
wanted to get serious. Hang on to your cherry, Little Girl, and save it for someone who'll pop it gently."

. . .

Brain: SOULDAMMIT MOUTH, I'LL HAVE YOU COURT-MARTIALED!

Mouth: Is there a problem, Brain?

Brain: YES! I DON'T CARE IS THE PROBLEM!

Mouth: If you don't care, why is it a problem?

Brain: But I... It... You... The horse... Fuck you.

Mouth: Eat a dick.

Brain: You eat a dick, you're the mouth.

. . .

I finished tying my shoes. "Not that it's any of my business."

. . .

Mouth: Better?

Brain: A little. You're still a dick, though.

Mouth: No, Dick is a dick.

Dick: You rang?

. . .

You ever just get a boner for no reason at all? She shook her head, still looking at the ground. "It's not that. It's just that I've never... gotten to that point with anypony... I've never even had a coltfriend before..."

. . .

Brain: Don't do it... You're just digging a hole, bro... DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT!

. . .

"From where I'm sitting, you seem like a nice girl. Dateable. That just means you need to take the initiative.
Make the first move once in a while. The guys probably think you're shy, or they're being polite. That's how it was on
Earth."

. . .

Brain: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Mouth: Lolumad?

Heart: Now give her a hug! Everybody likes hugs!

Brain and Mouth: STFU!

. . .

She brightened somewhat. "You... You think I'm dateable?"

. . .

Mouth: (About to reply, closes before he can do any more damage.)

Brain: Fuck. Fuck! FUCK! Why'd you ask? Why'd you even say anything?

Mouth: I will admit, not what I expected.

Dick: I'm going to hide now. Good luck, page me when you need me.

Heart: I swear to Soul, if you idiots break this innocent creatures little heart, we will feel the guilt until our dying
day.

Brain: (Sigh) Fine. Mouth, damage control.

. . .

"Sure... You look... nice..."

. . .

Brain: You... are a fucking idiot. Words cannot describe my hatred for you in this instant.

. . .

Sparky giggled and began drawing again. I struck a slightly thoughtful pose in the chair. This time I was actually
thinking.

How did this shit get so awkward? It's not that they're ugly, they're a different species. I can understand in an aesthetic manner, but... no. Now I'm trying to console one and give it relationship advice, when literally not one of my relationships has turned out. Why the fuck am I here? What the fuck is going on? If it's ten times better than the leading brand, WHY THE FUCK ISN'T IT THE LEADING BRAND?

"Twilight, I'm going to go outside for some fresh air." I stood up and left without waiting for an answer. I unlocked
the door and opened it, stepping onto the welcome mat, closing it behind me. Why do the doors have handles?

No, if you value your sanity, do not think those thoughts.

. . .

Twilight sketched the creature, trying her best to get his features correct. It was unlike drawing a pony in almost every way, and for some reason, that made it fun. Many ponies would have just taken a photo of him, but not her. A sketch was much more personal. Just as she was putting the finishing touches on his clothes, he stood and said he was going to go outside. He was already gone before she could protest. She drew the button of his 'pants' and surveyed her work. It was fairly accurate, though the eyes were a bit too big.

She began to write a letter. Spike was out running errands, so she wielded the quill and parchment on her own.
Taking them in her magic, she began to write.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am writing this letter to bring to your attention an anomaly. As I am certain you are aware of, the fact that Ponyville is on the edge of the Everfree Forest, and as a result, we see quite a few strange things out here, the most
of which, a creature that calls himself a 'Human'. Enclosed is a sketch I drew of this creature. His name is John. I will be researching him as much as possible while he is here. Please respond with your thoughts.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

She rolled the note into a scroll and tucked it away. She would give it to Spike to send when they went to lunch.
Speaking of lunch, she had to fetch the guest of honor. With her magic, she opened the front door and called to
him. "John?"

. . .

I had become slightly detached. But I had put down a few ground rules.

1: Thou shalt not fuck cartoon horses.

2: Thou shalt not make the cartoon horses cry.

3: Thou shalt acquire undergarments.

4: Thou shalt not ask questions.

5: Thou shalt acquire ALCOHOL!

Short, simple, easy to remember. Five simple rules to keep me suave, sane, and sappy. I just finished
memorizing the list when I heard a certain bookish mini-horse call my name hesitantly. "John?"

"Yah?" I called back over my shoulder without turning around.

"Um... We're supposed to meet Spike and Nurse Redheart at The Hay Barn in a few minutes, so..." I heard her
walk up behind me.

I sighed heavily. "Alright, then. Allon-sy, Madamoiselle."