“How long until he gets here?”

“I don’t know Spike, he should have been here by now. Oh, I hope nothing happened to him...” Nurse Redheart fussed. The young dragon and she were currently biding time at a table in the Hay Barn, receiving pointed looks from one of the waiters every few minutes.

Finally, Redheart’s crowd-scanning paid off. “There he is, Spike!”

She pointed a hoof down Mane Street, and sure enough ,the strange biped could be seen, weaving through the market-day crowd with what appeared to be a lavender sack of potatoes slung over his back, drawing much more attention than he had this morning.

Indeed, several ponies screamed and fled.

Setting the lavender deadweight down in the chair beside him, the creature took a seat in the last available spot, filling the tables four chairs.

“Whatsup-whatsup, Miss Tasty.” he said, an obvious greeting. He grinned his sharp teeth, obviously in a better mood than he was this morning. However, his smile quickly vanished beneath a curtain of green fire.

“Spike! What are you doing!?” The dragon said nothing, just continued spitting flames at their guest, who raised his arms to protest his face, falling backward in his chair. Spike jumped up on the table, spraying John until his cheeks turned deep purple and he paused to take a breath. Redheart knocked him lightly off the table with a hoof, careful not to hit him too hard, before tending to the human. Amazingly, he appeared unscathed, his body outlined by charred wood, but without even a speck of soot on his jacket.

“John, are you alright?”

“Woah. That was weird.” He had apparently noticed his lack of being-on-fire as well. He stood and examined his still-glowing outline on the floor. Then, he did the unthinkable. He simply shrugged, righted his chair, and sat back down.

“Fire-breathing iguana. Now I’ve seen everything. Also, ‘Fire-Breathing Iguana’ sounds like a good name for a band.” Only now did he seem to notice that the entire resturant seemed to be staring at him. He frowned. “Take a fucking picture, it’ll last longer.”

One of the ponies in the restaurant actually pulled a camera out of nowhere and snapped a photo of the of the biped. John sighed and grabbed a menu.

Spike, who had finally managed to claw his way back onto the table, breathed smoke from his nostrils as he demanded, “What did you do to Twilight, you...” He paused and tried to think of the worst insult he knew. “You JERK!”

John sighed again, and set his menu down. “The iguana talks. I stand corrected, I haven’t seen everything.”

He answered Spike’s question. “I didn’t DO anything to her. I just told her I was an alien, and she said something along the lines of, ‘Holy shit, John, you’re an alien? That is so cool, that I might lose consciousness.’ and then she passed out.”

The nurse looked at him concernedly. “Now why would you tell her a silly thing like that?”

“Because it’s true. Here.” He pulled out that strange black device he always carried with him from his pocket, holding it up for her to see.

“Have you ever seen anything like this? Anything like me?” He tapped at the device and it began to glow. He tapped it a few more times before showing her its face. A mottled blue, green, brown and white sphere turned slowly on an axis, strangely-shaped continents spinning endlessly in a sea of stars.

“This is my planet. We called it Earth. It’s in the Sol system, Milky Way Galaxy. Heard of it? No? Didn’t think so.”

. . .

Honestly, it was making me a little homesick. I’ve haven’t even been here for twenty-four hours and I already miss that mudball.

I swallowed the pain and locked it in that special chest where I keep all of my real emotions. I turned the phone off and tucked it back in my pocket, explaining further.

“I showed Sparky the same thing, she made a couple weird noises, then keeled over.”

Honestly, the only thing I was currently sure of was that I wasn’t on Earth anymore. Nothing seemed right here. Not only was it the fact that I saw mini-horses with wings pushing clouds around (including the gay blue one I saw from the show) That kind of shit just plain doesn’t happen on Earth. But I had a feeling in my gut that this was not the planet I was born on. It’s difficult to describe.

I sighed. “But don’t worry, I’ll show you a trick I learned from my friend Dutchy.” I dipped my fingers in my water glass. I then flicked the water at Sparky’s unconscious face.

“Excito.” Her eyes flicked open with a gasp. She was about to start yapping again, but I covered her mouth with my own wet palm. “Before you say anything, I just want to remind you that we haven’t eaten lunch yet, and questions can always be answered later.”

She nodded and I removed my hand. She took a deep breath. “Okay. Lets eat, then.”

“Coolio.” I picked up my menu again, ignoring the glares from Fire-Iguana. Flipping through it a few times, I looked toward the kitchen. “Is this some sort of vegan restaurant?”

“What do you mean, John?” Red inquired from behind her menu.

“There’s no dairy or meat products on this menu. There isn’t even any eggs or fish.”

“Dairy or... Meat products?”

“What the hell are Hay Fries?”

“Hold on, ‘meat’ as in...” I heard her swallow loudly before finishing in a tiny voice: “Flesh?”

“Um, yeah, what else would it mean?” I lowered my menu to look her in the eyes. They were terrified. “Though I guess it makes sense, now that I think about it. You’re all herbivores.”

“And you’re not?” Spyro finally joined in the conversation. “Celestia said I’m a minerovore.”

“Nope, omnivore. You name it, I’ll eat it.” I grinned, baring my teeth. “You don’t get pearly whites like these babies from crunching on carrots. Speaking of which, you guys have cheese curds here? I fucking LOVE cheese curds!”

Red was really pale, which was weird, not only because her coat was white, but because she’s a nurse, wouldn’t she deal with blood and guts all the time?

“Besides, I don’t eat stuff that talks, so you don’t need to worry.”

A waiter approached the table. “Miss Sparkle, I’m afraid you’re going to have to take the creature outside, it’s disturbing our other patrons.”

I piped up before Sparky could answer. “If the other patrons are disturbed, they can rightly piss off. Now if you’re through insulting me, I’ll have the fried cheese curds”

The waiter seemed to be surprised that I could talk. I glared at him and he wrote my order down, and as he took the others orders.

Sparks ordered first. “I’ll have a daisy sandwich.”

Barney Junior next. “I’ll have an order of hay fries.”

And finally, Red. “Just a salad for me, thank you.”

The waiter wrote all this down, cast me a fleeting, fearful glance, and cantered away. I turned to Red. “Is everyone here but you an asshole?”

“An... asshole?”

“I’d explain, but I don’t think it proper table conversation. It’s a term for someone who’s not very pleasant.” I’d decided to start defining things in childs terms, because of their naivety.

There was an awkward silence. I leaned back in my chair and put my hands behind my head, staring to the open sky. I saw a bird fly above me, green and gold. I’d never seen one like that before. I felt something spark inside me, like a little animal stirring back to life. It took me a second to put a name to it, and when I did, I was surprised at the results.

It was my curiosity, long dead to the world.

“Alright, let’s play a game, to make this fair; I ask a question and get an answer, And in return, you ask a question and get one. That way, everyone learns, and I don’t get overwhelmed.”

Sparkles seemed a little taken aback at this. She put her head in her hooves and thought of a good one. “You’re really an alien?” I guess that’s all she could think of.

“I think so. Nothing I’ve seen here really makes me think ‘home’, and if the closest thing you have to human here is the beast from the labyrinth, I get the weird feeling I’m a fish out of water. Scratch that, a fish in space. On fire. With tits, while I’m at it.” I slapped my forehead suddenly. “Aw, FUCK. If I’m the only human here, where am I gonna find TITS?”

“Um, is that your question?”

“No.” I sighed and thought for a second, before pointing at the green and gold songbird, who had landed in the decorative hedges that bordered the restaurant. “What kind of bird is that?”

Once again, she seemed taken aback, but answered me nonetheless. “I believe that’s a Green Jay, Veridicitta cristata. It subsists mainly on seeds, nuts, and insects, and migrates into the northern-”

“Green Jay? And since he’s a bird, he’d be a Green Jay Pecker. I think I’ll call him Aaron Rodgers.” I then chuckled quietly to myself. To my surprise the bird flitted off its perch in the hedge and alighted on my pointed finger. However, my new equine acquaintances seemed more confused by my cheesehead humor than by the birds behavior.

“Holy shit,” I said quietly. It just sat there for a moment, cocking its head to one side before hopping up onto my head. “What do I look like, Saint Francis?”

It chittered a few times before settling down in my hair like a nest. It didn’t seem to plan on moving soon.

Sparkly McGee seemed uncertain. “Can I ask a question, now?”

“Sure, ask away.” I replied, careful not to move my head too much.

“How did you get here?”

How did I get here? For the first time today I began racking my brain for details. They came back in little chunks, like someone had been rummaging around in my head and didn’t do a very good job of cleaning up.

I was at the bar...

More of a pub, really...

Dutchy was there...

He was singing a song, one of those classics Dad always liked...

Now, John at the bar is a friend of mine...

Lana was there, too...

She was sucking some guys dick in the mens room...

She thought I didn’t notice her sneaking away...

I always do...

Then, I saw the girl with the red eyes...

Probably contacts...

I was working the bar and she didn’t order a drink...

She ordered me...

Two can play at that game, Lana...

As I led her up to my room, I saw Dutchy being dragged away as well...

By some black-haired beauty in a leather singlet...

He always was into some pretty kinky shit...

Speaking of kinky shit, I think my new girlfriend has a forked tongue...

She hurls me onto Dutchy’s bed...

She’s no longer giving me bedroom eyes, her eyes are instead full of...

OWOWOWOWOWHOLYFUCKICANFEELMYFUCKINGMINDTEARING

. . .

Suddenly John clutched at his head and began grunting loudly. His chair scooted backward as his legs kicked involuntarily. His eyes shot open and there was an ancient, dark light in them. His grunts became words:

“Red eyes, dreaded lies, red balloons in sulfur skies,” He growled. Twilight quickly pulled out a quill and notepad, scrawling everything he was saying. Other than that, everyone at the table was too shocked to move.

“A cosmic clown, the chaos crown, he turned this world upside down.” He coughed wetly before continuing, his hands curled into claws.

“But, he’s not done, with his fun. Nay, his devilish tricks have just begun.” The claws that were his hands once again flew to his face.

“For his childish game, he’ll take the blame; The Chosen One cannot be tamed!” John flew into a coughing fit, grabbing a napkin and hacking into it. All of this had been rather quiet, his chair scooting back being the loudest part. Those in the restaurant who had noticed were pointedly ignoring him.

He continued his fit for a good minute before removing the napkin. It came away black and sticky. He took one look at it and said simply “Well, thats not good.”

Stuffing the stained napkin into a pocket, he continued as if nothing had happened. “Sorry, Sparky. I can’t... It’s not there anymore. All I remember is... AHHFUCK!” He clutched his head again. The next part came out as a whisper:

“Red eyes...” He winced “The goddamned bitch had red eyes...”

He let out a tense breath and steel entered his gaze. “Someones been fucking around in my head. And I intend to find out who.”

And then there was another awkward silence.

“Um...”

Spike broke it by turning to Twilight. “What just happened? Was that normal?”

The nurse jumped up, making flustered noises, and began taking the humans temperature, prying his jaws open to look down his throat, basically, everything but telling him to turn his head and cough. Over all this, John heard Twilights head hit the table with a soft thunk as she murmured, “He’s TOO weird. I’ll never understand him.”

. . .

The nugget of wisdom was out before I could stop it.

“My dad always said, ‘If you bite off more than you can chew, shove some in your cheek for later.” Fuck.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“If a problem is too big, take it a little bit at a time.” I replied numbly, having asked the same question eight years ago.

We’d completely forgotten our game, I was too distressed, she was too excited.

“What’s your family like?”

Don’t cry. Don’t cry, you fucking pussy. I answered her in a soft monotone. “I have a brother named Michael, he’s four years younger than me. Dutchy is like the big brother I never had, and his sisters might as well be my sisters, too.”

“What about your parents?” She asked it so nonchalantly, not knowing how sharply she was twisting the knife in my heart.

“My parents are dead. They were murdered five years ago.”

I hastily wiped a bit of moisture that had been gathering in my tear duct.

Red stopped checking my pulse. “Ohh, poor little guy.” She wrapped me in a tight hug.

“Red, please stop hugging me.” I shifted, trying to squirm out of her grip. Twilights eyes were sad, too.

“That’s horrible. What happened?” My hands clenched into fists on the edge of the table.

“Some cunthole fucking cultist... tried to make it look like a goddamn accident... Fuck it, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Ask me something else.” Like I said, I forgot whose turn it was.

“Um, what was that poem you were reciting earlier?” She seemed to be trying to change the subject.

Poem... “Poem?” I have no memory of this poem.

She gestured to a page of paper on the table. I slid it over and read it.

Red eyes, dreaded lies, red balloons in sulfur skies

A cosmic clown, the chaos crown, he turned this world upside down

But, he’s not done, with his fun. Nay, his devilish tricks have just begun

For his childish game, he’ll take the blame; the chosen one cannot be tamed

“When did I say all this?”

Band Name answered me. “You don’t remember? It was like, two minutes ago.”

Red shuddered in her embrace, nuzzling my shoulder. “I thought you were having a seizure... and then you started coughing...”

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the stained napkin, studying the strange black fluid. It smelled... disgusting. A bitter, oily scent that made me immediately think THIS STUFF IS BAD AND WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.

“So, I wake up in the magical land of talking ponies, get accused of sexual assault and get a concussion, I can’t remember anything from last night, and if I try to, I get a migraine and start speaking in rhyme. Then I start coughing up black shit and forget what I said. According to the poem, there’s someone with red eyes who tells lies, fucked the world up, and is now trying to screw with me. And of course, the chosen one gets involved at some point.“

Spark was mumbling under her breath. “Red eyes... dreaded lies... chaos crown... If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that sounded like Discord. But he was turned back into stone a couple weeks ago.”

“I don’t know who that is, but I’m assuming they’re a cocksqueeze.” I noticed the waiter approaching with our food. “Bottom line, shit’s fucked, and it’s not entirely my fault.”

Author's Note

I am EXTREMELY sorry about the wait, guys. My computer got fucked up and not only did I lose all my progress on all of my fics, but I couldn't access any of my writing software. I switched to Google docs, and got my comp fixed, so now here we are. In addition, I made a few minor edits to previous chapters, so I might recommend a reread. Nothing major changed, but I fixed a few grammar errors and changed a few details that might have come back to haunt me. So, enjoy.