The meal really wasn’t that bad. My cheese curds tasted kinda weird, but I guess I’d get used to it. Would I have to get used to it?

How long am I gonna be here?

Whatever. Might as well have fun while I am.

...

Oh, shit, Red’s choking.

“Oh, no you don’t, I owe you money.” I stood and moved behind her chair, placing a fist under her diaphragm, and my other hand over that. I heaved her upward and Red made a strangled noise.

“John, what are you doing?!? You’re hurting her!” Twilight stood as well and her horn started glowing. It fizzled out and her eyes widened.

“Come on, Red, don’t be that way. If you die, I’ll feel bad.” I gave another heave and finally, the half-chewed cherry tomato rolled lazily out of her mouth and back onto her plate. She coughed once and took a big gulp of her water. I ran a hand through my hair and a smile came to my face.

“Whoo, Jesus. You had me worried, sister. Next time you want to swallow something, chew it first.” Red seemed to recover, and before I knew it, she had her hooves around my neck and was peppering my face with kisses.

“Oh, John! You saved my life!” She managed to say in between pecks.

“It’s... It’s fine, really... No big deal... Seriously, cut it out.” I gently pushed her away. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

It was only then that I noticed something was wrong with Twilight. She was just staring at me, mouth open, eyes wide.

“Um... Twi? You okay?” She snapped out of it, shaking her head.

“What are you?” She said in a whisper.

“I’m a human, Twilight. We’ve discussed this.” I knelt down and looked into her eyes, checking for dilation. “Are you okay?”

Suddenly, her horn glowed and she fired a bolt of magic directly into my face, blinding me. I blinked a few times to adjust and when I could see again, I noticed Twilight’s eyebrows were furrowed and she had a manic gleam in her eye.

“What are you?” She repeated, louder this time. Her eyes began to glow white and she fired another, stronger blast. Again, all I felt was a light puff of air, though now I heard a distinct crackling noise, like a drop of water flicked onto a hot pan.

I looked behind me and saw a comically John-shaped outline charred onto the hedges that made up the walls of the open-air restaurant. Great, now we’re causing collateral damage. I’m not paying for that. Twilight began charging another spell, her horn throwing off sparks.

“WHAT ARE YOU!?!” She screamed. If she lets that loose, she’ll blow the whole place apart! I needed to do something.

On instinct, I reached out and wrapped my hand around her stubby little horn. The charged magic dissipated at my touch and Twilight gasped.

“Sparky? Calm. The fuck. Down.”

“John...L-let go of my... Hah-horn!”

“Fine, but only if you calm down, and quit trying to kill me. Not only is it not working, but its annoying.” I stopped cupping her horn and noticed that her face was flushed. I disregarded this and continued. “Now, take a deep breath and tell me what’s the matter.”

She did exactly that; “John... You’re... I don’t know how, but somehow, none of the spells I’ve been casting on you have been working. At first I thought it was my fault, but now I’m thinking... John, I think magic might not work on you.”

To this startling revelation, I responded by waving my hands halfheartedly and going, “Ooooh.”

Red, whose face was also slightly red, turned to me. “John, you don’t understand, but this is a big thing. Magic isn’t something you can just NOT be affected by. It’s like...”

“Gravity?” I guessed.

“Exactly! It’s a universal force, like gravity.”

“It makes sense Twilight would be upset, considering you just basically defied one of the Laws of Magic. That doesn’t give you the right to touch her like that, though.” Spike looked a little perturbed, to be honest.

“I don’t know why everyone’s so embarrassed, I just grabbed her horn. It’s not like its an erogenous zone or something.” I mean, that’d be ridiculous. “Right?”

Their silence was the only answer I needed.

“Uhm... Sorry, Sparks. I didn’t know.” The question is, did I just do the equivalent of grabbing her tits or grabbing her dick? Nevermind, I’d rather not think about it.

Apparently all of this had caused quite a commotion, because our waiter decided to hassle us again. I didn’t notice him until I felt him tugging on the hem of my pants leg.

“Is there a problem, Garcon? Because I’m kind of busy.”

“Monsieur, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to pay for your meal and leave.”

“Why.” It wasn’t a question, but a prompt.

“I think you know why, sir. You’ve done nothing but disturb the other patrons since you arrived here. The ponies came here to enjoy good food, not be bothered by... you.” Twilight and Red tried to interrupt, but I held up a hand to stop them.

“Really? Well, maybe it’s not the patrons who are disturbed, but you, friend. I’d like to speak to the manager, your xenophobic behaviour has offended me, and were I not currently on a fine outing with two upstanding ladies, I would challenge you to a duel.”

The waiter looked taken aback, for a moment, but apparently decided it would be easier to let the manager deal with me. He went into the kitchen and soon returned with a green unicorn stallion in a brown vest and fedora. His ass-tat appeared to be a bowl of mashed potatoes.

“What seems to be the matter, Maitre Dee?” He asked in a pleasant Irish brogue as he looked me over with a raised eyebrow. I crossed my arms as Dee explained.

“Ever since this creature got here, he’s been causing a commotion and distracting our other patrons from their food. In addition, he seems to have damaged the floors and hedges. several of our customers complained of him acting lewdly to Miss Sparkle, so I asked him to leave and he was quite rude to me.”

“In my own defense, the floors and hedge were not my fault.”

The green pony looked from me to Dee and back again. He cantered over to the mark on the floor and rubbed it with a hoof. “Ah, nuttin’ but a little soot, is all. I’ll have Bussy clean it up later. As for the hedges, they needed trimmin’ anyways, so no harm done.”

“But-But Cole! He was fondling Miss Sparkle right in the middle of the restaurant!”

“So what? What’s a little rub on the horn once in awhile between friends? Oy know for a fact what you and Bussy do in the storeroom after ya close up.”

“But... Hey!”

“You need to loosen up, Maitre. I swear, your flank is so tight that if you farted, only diamond dogs would be able to hear it.” He turned to me and offered a hoof, which I gratuitously shook. “Colcannon’s the name, but me friends call me Cole. Yeh’ll have ta forgive Maitre Dee. He’s a Canterlot boy, bit too big on fancy ‘etiquette’ and a bit too small on fun, but he’s a darn fine waiter.”

“John Salem. Nice to meet you, Cole. You run a nice establishment here.”

“Yes, Oy’m mighty proud of ‘er. Tell ya what, if yer a drinkin man, stop by later tonight and ya might like ‘er even better.”

Alcohol? “I just might do that, Cole.”

“Well, if that’s it, then Oy won’t keep yeh any longer. Dee, yeh can take yer break, now, if yeh want.” And with that, he disappeared back into the kitchen.

Dee sighed. “Cole is right, I do need to loosen up. I keep forgetting that I came to this small town to relax. For what it’s worth, Mr. Salem, I apologise.” Then he left, too.

“Well, that worked out nicely.” I reached into my wallet and pulled out a twenty and a few dollars tip, before I noticed Twilight and Red using what appeared to be gold coins. “Aw, shit, I just realized none of my money’s going to work here!”

“Is that what that green paper is? Human money?” Twilight seemed a little too excited over something as mundane as a twenty-dollar bill. “How does you banking system work?”

“Probably the same as yours, considering. I’ll tell you all about it later, but right now I have to worry about the meal I just ate that I can’t pay for.” A problem that was quickly solved when Red pulled out a few more coins and set them on the table. “Thanks, Red.”

“It’s the least I can do, considering you saved my life. Or did you forget?” Honestly, in all of the commotion, I had.

“Like I said, it was no big deal. And you can’t tell me that ponies never invented the Heimlich Maneuver.” Again, their silence was the only answer I needed.

“Well, that’s just plain unsafe. How do you save somebody who’s choking?”

Twilight answered me, of course. “Generally, there’s a unicorn around who can remove the blockage. Sometimes this can be difficult, though, as telekinesis is mainly sight-based.”

“Interesting, and not entirely irrelevant.” I checked my watch, which, despite this being an entirely new world, still appeared to be on time. “However, it’s almost noon now, so...”

“Noon!? Spike! We still have to pick up the cupcakes at Sugarcube Corner!” And then the mare known as Twilight galloped out the door, a little purple lizard literally on her tail.

Red glanced at my watch, then gave me a disapproving look. “It’s only half-past eleven.”

“What can I say? I wanted to get rid of her before she started blasting again.”

. . .

“C’mon, Spike, if we don’t pick up the cupcakes on time, the Cakes might give them to another customer, and then we’ll have to wait for another batch, and then we’ll be late for the picnic, and then-”

“Uh, Twilight?” Spike interrupted, looking at the clock tower. “You do realize it’s only, like, eleven-thirty? John needs to reset his watch.”

Twilight was relieved beyond words. “Oh, thank Celestia! Who knows what would have happened if we’d been late! Do you still have the list?”

Spike once again pulled out the impossibly long checklist. “Yeah.”

Twilight started walking again, though at a more leisurely pace. “Alright. How are we doing, Spike?”

“Let’s see... We’ve already dropped off your cape at the cleaners, returned the blackboard you borrowed from Cheerilee, ordered new parchment and quills from the stationary shop-”

“Hmm. We just placed an order for those a few days ago.”

Spike looked back at the trail of paper behind them. “I can’t imagine why we go through so many of them.”

“Sounds like we’re ahead of schedule! What’s next?”

Spike checked the list again. “Cupcakes!”

“Oh, yeah! How could I have forgotten?”

. . .

“You know what, Red? I’m in a really fuckin’ good mood.” The prospect of alcohol combined with the fact that my hangover was all but gone had me walking on sunshine. We were just walking down the street, enjoying said sunshine. My unfriendly appearance seemed to keep curious souls away, and according to Twilight, I really wasn’t the strangest thing to happen to Ponyville.

“Well, that’s wonderful, John.”

“Red, this is gonna sound weird, but I actually feel a little lighter. As in, like, weight.”

“But you just ate!”

“I know, that’s why it sounded weird. Come to think about it, it felt like this ever since I woke up this morning. I think Equestria might have lower gravity than Earth.”

“Equestria is the country, John. The planet is called Eden.”

“Good to know. Maybe I’ll-” I was interrupted by a loud crashing in a nearby shop and a piercing cry. I acted on instinct.

“John! Where are you going?”

“Damsel in distress!” I called over my shoulder. Wasting no time, I ran in the general direction of the source of the noise and made it to the door of the building in record time. The screech once again pierced the air.

“Horrible, HORRIBLE!”

With a cry of “Hoowah!” I nearly kicked the door off its hinges. I was about to draw my gun when I realised I didn’t carry one anymore. Damn, that would’ve looked cool as shit. I settled for scanning the room and calling out, “Is everything all right?”

“No! I need help right this instant!” Well, at least she’s direct.

The place looked like a mess. There was fabric and ribbons strewn everywhere.

I looked around a pile of fabric to see a little white unicorn laying on a red sofa, looking faint. Her ass-tat was three gemstones and she seemed vaguely familiar

“You alright?

“HOLY MOTHER OF-” She fell off her couch and onto the floor at the sight of me.

“Easy there, Drama Queen, I’m here to help. What’s the problem?”

Though she seemed taken aback, whatever her dilemma was seemed more important. “Well, I should think that would be obvious. Look at the state of this place!”

That’s it? “Is that it?”

“What do you mean, ‘That’s it?’ If somepony walks in and sees the state of this place, imagine what they’ll think of me! My reputation would be ruined!”

“...I think I’m gonna leave now.”

“Wait! You can’t expect a dainty little filly like me to clean this whole boutique all by myself, can you?” She fluttered her eyelashes at me.

“...”

“I’ll make it worth your while.”

“Fine, but only ‘cause I’m a nice guy.” I picked up a roll of fabric.

. . .

“That should be fine, John. Can’t let it get too clean. Thank you for being so helpful.” There was still a few items scattered about, but it was way better than before. Not that Rare had been any help. As soon as Red caught up with me, they just set themselves up on the couch and gossiped while I cleaned the place.

“Well, if that’s really it, then I’ll get going.”

“Oh, nonsense. Come have some tea with us!” Red and Rare seemed to be pretty good friends, considering. Go figure. Red had explained my whole backstory and everything to her, and judging by the enthusiasm she was receiving the information, it would be all over the village by sundown.

“I really should get going. New world to explore, and all that.” The pair of mares gave me one look and I changed my mind. “Fine, but only for a few minutes.”

I’d barely pulled up a chair when Rarity slid a pile of gold coins across the table to me. “For your trouble.” She explained with a wink. I scooped them up and tucked them in one of my many pockets, nodding.

“So, tell me, John, how are you liking Eden so far?”

“It’s definitely different. It’s like... Every time I see something that reminds me of home, something else happens to remind me I’m not there.” They seemed a little disappointed by my answer. To my own surprise, I felt the need to make them feel better.

“But it’s definitely not the worst place I’ve ever been. I got off to a rocky start, but I can’t help but think my stay here will be a pleasant one.”

“Well, that’s good to hear.”

. . .

“See ya, Rare!”

“Goodbye, Rarity! Thank you for the tea!”

The mare Rarity waved to us from the steps of her shop. I couldn’t help but smile, having just met yet another person whose presence I could stand. Maybe being here wouldn’t TOTALLY suck ass. I noticed Twilight trotting down the street, toward us. I quickly dragged Red in the opposite direction, hoping she hadn’t noticed me.

I can practically hear all of those butthurt... brownies? Bronies? I think that’s it. I can practically hear all those bronies yelling at me for being ungrateful, but you know what? I never asked for this shit. Being transported into a magical land of ponies might be some basement dweller’s wet dream, but not me.

This beautiful, perfect world doesn’t need a stain like me on it. I’ll just end up hurting people. Ponies. Whatever-the-fuck.

I need to get out of here. I need to leave.

And before I do that, I need a place to hide.

“John? Is something wrong? What do you mean, ‘You need to leave’? You just got here!”

Had I said that out loud? “I mean... I just... All these people staring at me is making me nervous.” I lied quickly. In reality, the townspeople seemed to be pointedly ignoring me, just like in the restaurant, but Red immediately sprang into action.

“I’ll... I’ll take you to the park! We can relax there! Nopony will stare at you there!”

“Sure, I don’t care.” But she had already wrapped her little pink tail around my hand and was dragging me down the road.

. . .

The park was nice. Too nice.

Too perfect.

I don’t belong here.

The grass beneath my butt as we sat on the side of a hill was lush, green, and beautiful. There weren't any candy wrappers or beer cans strewn about. There weren't even any sidewalks or dirt paths. What they thought of as a park, was actually just a green, slightly hilly field with a couple of young ponies playing with a ball.

As I said, Red and I were sitting on a hill overlooking the small valley that reminded me of the field behind the playground at my elementary school. I’d had my first kiss there. Except rather than a plateau of wood chips and too-easy-to-fall-off-of equipment, there was a small forest behind us, providing shade.

Everything seemed so familiar, but yet so different. It was tearing me apart.

“John.”

“...Yeah?

“I don’t think you’re upset because ponies were staring at you.”

I worked up the courage to look Red in the eyes. She could read me like a book. Just like Mom could. I turned away, biting the tears back again. God, I missed them so much.

I wish Mike was here. He was always the mature one. When Mom and Dad died, I became his legal guardian, but he was always the one taking care of me.

“I’m sorry, Red. It’s just... so much. I’d explain, but I don’t think you’d be able to help even if I did.” I concealed wiping away my not-quite-tears by reaching into my jacket for another cigarette, my second in Equestria so far. This fucking world is making me feel like a fucking pussy.

As I lit it up, I felt Red pat me on the shoulder. “I think I know what’s wrong. Every day, I see ponies come into the emergency room, see what they've been through, and I wonder; ‘What did they do to deserve this?’ But, in the end, those ponies have the strength to push on, and everything works out.”

With a gentle hoof, she turned me to face her. “John, I know you never wanted to be here. But as long as you are, I promise to do everything I can to make sure you’re happy.”

I gave a small smile. Simply knowing that someone here cared was something I hadn't been expecting. It was nice. Back on Earth, true friends were few and far between, and getting harder to find every day. For someone to accept me so quickly was an alien concept to me.

So imagine my astonishment when Red leaned forward slightly and kissed me on the lips. My jaw dropped, which she mistook as an invitation to stick her tongue in my mouth. Now, I don’t know a lot about pony culture yet, but I’d seen several ponies kissing in town, and unless I’m sorely mistaken, it was not a between-friends thing.

And besides, I have a girlfriend. A cheating whore of a girlfriend, but still a girlfriend. Facebook says so.

After a few seconds, (That were likely long for her in a good way, but were definitely long for me in a bad way) she broke the kiss, giving me the purest, most innocent smile in this world or the previous one. I saw a convenient distraction in my peripheral vision. I pointed to it.

“What the hell is that?”

And then I promptly fled.

. . .

John, I know you never wanted to be here. But as long as you are, I promise to do everything I can to make sure you’re happy.

Redheart felt true sympathy for this creature. However, those generous words were followed by one of the most selfish acts she would ever perform in her pony life. And the most courageous.

She kissed the terrifying, two-legged meat-eater on the mouth. His saliva had a bitter, ashy taste to it, and when his mouth opened slightly to let her in, she felt his soft little tongue, his pointy but not quite sharp teeth, the ridged roof of his gums.

At the time, she felt this was what was the best course of action. He was lost, alone, and confused. He needed a friend, he needed to know that someone here accepted him for what he was. The action was born purely of compassionate instinct.

When the kiss was broken, however, she was proven wrong. The look on his face was an almost indescribable mixture of surprise, anger, panic, and fear. His eyes flickered and he pointed across the valley.

“What the hell is that?” An instinctive reaction, she glanced at the horizon, where a large rainbow mushroom cloud could be witnessed. She turned back, only to find John no longer there. The only trace of him was a still-glowing cigarette butt and a distant crashing in the woods.

Realizing the greatness of her mistake, Nurse Redheart reached out feebly toward John before collapsing to the ground in a sobbing heap.

1: Thou shalt not fuck cartoon horses.

~~2: Thou shalt not make the cartoon horses cry.~~

3: Thou shalt acquire undergarments.

4: Thou shalt not ask questions.

5: Thou shalt acquire ALCOHOL!

Author's Note

He broke the rules! Ponies are gonna be mad!