Chapters I heard the door open and froze, my eyes going wide. I turned around, where Princess Twilight's little helper dragon was waving me to follow him. I gulped, knowing that this—whatever this will be—will forever change my life as I know it. I let out the breathe I didn't know I was holding bofore I trot after him, not wanting to dilly dally any longer.
I sulked into the council room and began before they'd all even registered my being there. “I know there's no excuse for what I did, but I want you all to know that I'm ready for whatever punishment you think is fair.” I said, my throat tight as I nervously approached the council of friendship.
“Good.” Princess Twilight said, closing her eyes. “Because this isn't exactly going to be pleasant.” My eyes widen as I took in her words and my chest tightened. "For any of us." She looked to Fluttershy and nods.
Fluttershy rolls her eyes in a way she thinks no one would notice before taking out a little, itty bitty bell. I tilt my head, more confused than concerned now. She rings it, but the noise isn't the sound of a bell ringing, but rather that of an air horn. A very loud air horn. The entire council and myself all covered our ears with our hooves and close our eyes out of pain at the piercing noise. “Oh Fluttershy dear! Is it tea time already? Oh you must forgive me, I forgot the cucumber sandwiches.” I hear a muffled male voice through my hooves.
I open my eyes. “GAH!!” I screamed, falling back on my hind hooves. “What in all of Tartarus is that?!” I shouted, gesturing with my front hooves frantically. It turned around, quivering it's snaggle tooth and raising an eyebrow at me. I gasp in horror. “Is that thing my punishment?! Are you going to feed me to it?!” I slid back on my flanks in terror, pushing with all my legs to go backwards.
The thing glanced at Twilight, then at Fluttershy before looking back at me with a grin. “Why yes, yes I am.” It… He… Thing… Whatever it is, said.
I nearly fell backwards before turning around to bolt. I know that I said I was ready but I wasn't expecting to be fed to a monster! I started to gallop but I ran face first into a wall of feather-y fur. I backed up and gasped as I saw the monster had grown five sizes, and it's mouth had turned into a gaping maw of teeth and razor sharp tongues. “Okay! I'm ready to punish you whenever you are!” It said in a sing-song voice of gurgles and growls.
I screeched, turning and running towards the friendship council. “Please don't let it eat me!” I yelled, sliding to a stop; tears streaming down my face from pure fear. I then noticed they were all struggling not to laugh and began to shake my head in denial. I flipped around, screeched at the monster, then I looked back at them. “Why are you laughing at me?! This is sick and wrong!” I almost sobbed.
“Discord..!” Fluttershy managed to say through thinly hidden chuckles. “That's not very nice.”
“Oh but come on Fluttershy, my dear, dear friend.” The creature dubbed Discord said from behind me. I gulp and turn around slowly. “It was an opportunity I couldn't just let go, it's far too rare an occasion that our friends let me have a little fun.” I choked on my throat as I struggled to figure out whether to scream or laugh. His giant mouth of teeth and tongues had transformed into a grinning kitten's head.
“Starlight Glimmer?” Princess Twilight called from behind me. I turned back to her, “This is your parole officer, Discord.” She said with a happy smile. I gape her, “He's going to follow you around and make sure you don't get into any trouble for a while.”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait,” Discord walks past me, tossing the kitten head away like a cardboard mask, waving another left arm out with each wait. “No one consulted with me about this!” All four left hands thumped a thumb against his chest. I couldn't even think of anything to do except stare and let my mouth hang open. “I will have my lawyer brought into this! I will have a complaint filed! I will have your Princess license revoked! I-”
“Think of it as your chance to prove that you've really changed since the whole Tirek incident.” Twilight cuts in to his rant with a grin. “You do want to prove that to everyone, right?” I finally closed my mouth. It seems that Princess Twilight has more than just me as her enemy that she's keeping under control.
He hums. “You're truly fitting into the role of a ruler well Princess Twilight, but don't let all that absolute power go to your head.” He appeared next to her and poked her head, causing it to grow twice in size. I snorted and hid my muzzle behind a hoof as she nearly fell from her throne.
“Discord!” Twilight yelled. Discord laughed out loud before shining a blue light flash light at her head , returning it to normal with a flash of light. He just laughed at her as she sat on her kitten throne with a very annoyed expression. "Would you please—I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here!"
"Oh so am I." He snapped his talons while still laughing, the throne changing back to its original form. "And I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that." He pulled an overly large red hat out from... Somewhere, donning it on. "It's just I'm so agitated."
Twilight shook her head, "Agitated or not, I am technically your ruler now. At least treat me with the respect a common pony treats a banana."
Every feature on Discord suddenly started glowing bright red. "Oh my word!" He said in a very feminine voice. "How scandalous!" My eyes literally hurt to look at him he's so bright.
I shook my head. This was utterly ridiculous. "Are you sure we should be trusting him with Starlight?" Rainbow asked quietly, but not quietly enough, crossing her hooves. "I don't really like this."
Applejack nodded in agreement. "Ah mean, he's not a horrible stallion. But trusting him with her?"
Discord stomped, the glow disappearing in an instant. "I'll have you know, I identify as a biseedal apple tree, not a stallion!" Everypony just tilted their heads at him in confusion. "Too soon?" He asked with a shrug. "What, you expect me to wait until it's over to mock it? That might take years!"
A few of the councilmares glanced over at Fluttershy who only shook her head. She only sighed and said, "You don't wanna know."
"Look!" Twilight grunted, holding her face in her hoof. "We're all getting off track here." She waved away the raising complaints from our resident monster. "Discord, I'm giving you free reign over how you choose to do it, but just remember that you're supposed to be reforming her—like Fluttershy reformed you. Got it?"
Discord held up a small orb, showing a recording her Twilight's latest speech. "Clear as this crystal ball your royal horse goddessness."
"Good."
«♦»
I fished my keys out of my saddlebags, groaning in utter agony. "This is where you live?" Discord asked incredulously. "Seriously? In an Manehatten apartment building of all places!"
"Everypony has equal living space here." I opened the the door, kicking my bags through the door. "Well for the most part. It's better than not living in an apartment building.
"But it's so boring!"
I gawked. "It's not boring! It's beautiful! Look at this!" I ran over, kicking the door shut, and pointed at the unpainted, grey plaster walls. "It's so pure and unchanged!" I pressed my cheek against the wall, breathing in the aroma of the dusty material, "It's perfect. "
Discord tapped the wall, turning it into an explosion of pink and purple colors, hints of green and red dotted about it. "This is much better."
I back up, falling on my flanks in horror. "What the Tartarus did you do?!" I screamed, shielding my eyes from it. "It's hideous!"
"You ma'am, have horrible tastes." I saw a flash pass around my hoof and sighed in relief when I saw he'd changed it back.
"You..." I considered his words earlier. "...Appletree... Stallion... Whatever... Are overstepping your boundaries. You're my parole officer, not my mom. You also don't live here." I opened the door. "So if you would please allow me to kick you out."
He sat down on my pale brown couch, I love that beautiful couch, flopping over the arms of it like a sheet. "Hm... We should go to the carnival. Is there a carnival in town?" I hate carnivals. "Maybe go on a Ferris wheel!" I hate Ferris wheels even more. He snapped his fingers, causing my fridge to sprout legs and walk over.
"Put things back to the way they were and get out."
"Do you like clowns?" He fished around in my freezer, pulling out and eating ice trays, but leaving the ice in the fridge. I cringed, those were relatively expensive due to my employment. "What about sewers and drainage pipes?"
"Get–" I paused, his words sinking in. "Excuse you?"
"Sewers. Drainage pipes." He spun his talon in a circle, grabbing a pre–made sunflower sandwich and quickly swallowing it whole. "Water and waste drains into them?"
"I know what a sewer is you foal. I meant what do sewers have to do with clowns?" I closed the door, walking over and hitting his head with a hoof. "And get off my couch and out of my fridge!"
"Some clowns live in them." I closed my eyes. No. I'm not doing this.
"Discord, I'm going to tell on you."
Discord stopped, turning his head an impossibly number of degrees around to face me. "Are you serious? That's the best you've got?" I opened my mouth to retort. "What am I, your annoying younger brother? No! I'm a literal god of chaos!" He stood on my couch, raising his arms up as all my furniture fell to the ceiling. "I am the ruler of strange, the master of odd—if craziness were darkness, I'd cast a shadow on darkness itself!" Everything start to grow legs and dance on the ceiling. "And you think you can get me out of your house by threatening to tattle on me like I'm a two year old?"
I stared at me, my mouth slightly open as I search for the words. "Yes?"
He lowers his arms. "Oh, okay." With a snap, everything is back the way it was supposed to be. That's it? That was easy! I looked around: no Discord in sight! I sighed, a smile gracing my features as I trotted over and rummaged through my fridge. I paused at the sunflower sandwich, adding a mental note to self to throw it away later, before pulling out the second best thing: pre–made hay fries! The fries floating next to me, I wander into my bedroom and take a book from the shelf, ready for a night of relaxation.
Tap tap tap tap
I froze, my eyes darting to my window. The window, I might add, that leads out to a seven story drop. Of course it could be a pegasus, but why would they knock on my window? With growing dread I pulled back the curtains, "Howdy neighbor!" The grinning face of Discord, lounging on a sizable red couch in a grand hall way lined with statues, said from the other side of my window. "Guess what! I just moved to Manehatten and wouldn't you know it, we're neighbors!"
I shook my head, running into the living room and sticking my head out the window in fear. "What the buck." Literally duct taped to my bed room window was a mansion, balanced precariously on two smaller apartment buildings across the street. By all laws of physics, this shouldn't be possible. I turn my gaze down Main street where I can see Ponyville in the far, far distance. "Princess Twilight, I will make you rue this day! You will regret making me stuck with this maniac!" I yelled out the window, shaking my hoof in her direction.
"Oh pipe down!" A stallions voice from down stairs yelled up. "I'm tryin' a sleep here!"
"No, you shut up!" I yelled back. "I'm trying to have an enraged rant at a Princess!"
«♦»
“Sometimes I feel like a normal person. Sometimes I forget I’m on parole, that I’m not really free.” ― Jennifer Lane
Author's Note
I'm so sorry, but no idea what I'm going to do with this.
"You don't honestly have to follow me to go shopping do you?" I asked offhoofedly, picking up a box of preserved flowers. "Or are you just a creep?" I sniffed the box: eghh. I think the preservation charms were faulty.
Discord grabbed a bottle of detergent and started sipping it like a baby would a bottle. "Oh I assure you, this is most certainly in my job description. The very last thing I want to do right now is follow some mare around a store, believe me." He tossed the empty bottle into my buggy, which I picked up with my magic and put in somepony elses buggy while they weren't looking.
"Then make yourself useful and get some ice trays, you drank all of mine." I said as I picked him up and tossed him out of the aisle. I sighed in relief as I picked up a different box of flowers, pushing the buggy along to the next aisle. Though a flash of light and applause from two aisle past that one caught my eye.
I narrowed my eyes at the all too familiar flash of light as I sulked over to the aisle. "Congratulations Silver Lips!" I heard as I rounded the turn and glared down the aisle. "I can't believe you got your cutie mark already!" Ugh. Why did I have to be here for this horrible event? I spotted Discord wandering around half the tiny store's trot away.
"Hey!" I yelled at him. "Hold this!" I then proceeded to chuck my buggy across the store, I can't have people taking from it now can I? I didn't bother watching, but I almost chuckled when I heard something fall and break. "Oh children~" I said, prancing down the aisle towards the two foals. "I couldn't help but overhear that young Silver Lips here just got his cutie mark!" I said, kneeling down to them and grinning widely.
"Mhm!" They both nodded, smiling back.
I gave a strained laugh as I gently shoved Silver Lips down the aisle, "Would you excuse us? Thanks" I turned on the filly who had grown a very confused expression, "Don't trust him!" I hissed in her ear. "He just got his cutie mark, now he's going to abandon you and all his other blank flank friends and go on to live a wonderful life while you're left in the dust with nothing!"
The filly frowned. "But I'm his sister?"
"That doesn't matter! He'll disown you as a sister in that case!" I looked up and down the aisle cautiously. "There's only one possible way to fix this." I gestured her closer, I couldn't have Silver Lips overhear. She leaned in and I whispered. "You have to get rid of his cutie mark, and fast."
She pulled back, pushing me away with a hoof. "Uhh... Yeah, okay." She looked back at Silver Lips and mouthed something to him. "I'll go do that right now actually." She pulled away and trotted a few steps before bolting and yelling, "Stranger Danger!" as she and Silver Lips both ran.
"You ungrateful little mistake of nature!" I yelled after her, throwing random items from the shelf at her as she ran. "You'll regret this!"
"What are you, a psychotic Friendship Justice Warrior?" I turned around and found Discord being cradled in a cast by the buggy.
"She'll regret this! He's going to abandon her and leave her for dead and then she'll wish she'd listened to me!" Out of the corner of my eye I saw the filly and the colt talking to the store manager and point my direction. "We'll discuss this later, go wait by the door." I said, tossing him out of the buggy. I watched him walk over to the door and frowned. "One more step to the left!" I commanded. He shrugged and side-stepped. I grinned as the door opened.
"Miss? I think we need to talk." The manager of the store said, walking up to my side. I spotted a couple security guards behind him.
I gasped. "Oh no, whatever for?" I asked before running, shoving the buggy in front of me. I ran past Discord and climbed over the buggy, seating in the storage area on my stolen goods as it tumbled and rolled down the street. "Discord, hurry up!"
He roller-skated up along side the buggy. "Doesn't this count as going against your parole?"
"Am I trying to end Equestria?"
"You traumatized two foals and you're stealing twenty pounds of food and ice trays." He said, plucking one of the blue plastics from the buggy and sipping on it. "I'd say this is a class two friendship problem, I'm surprised Princess Twilight and her gang of over enthusiastic mental patients aren't here to give you a hug and smack on the wrists."
"Aren't you friends with them or something?"
"Well that doesn't mean I don't think they're insanely too nice and forgiving." He started manicuring his talons, another hand sprouting and doing his eyelashes. "Why, I'm surprised they haven't tried seducing a villain out of tyranny and into bed yet."
"Regardless, it's not like I'm going to pay for this stuff! I won't be segregated by something like unemployment!" I yelled at him, taking my ice tray back.
He climb up and started skating in place on my head. "You're unemployed?" He asked with a laugh. "Oh this is rich! The great and powerful Starlight Glimmer, the unicorn who stood up to the Princess of friendship laser beams and nearly bested her at magic, has no job!"
I shook my head, trying to throw him off. But it was like trying to throw your hair off your head: very hard. "It's a choice you idiot! Jobs in Equestria are just another way of causing sorrow and hatred!" I jerked the buggy out of the way of an oncoming carriage. "The only way to fix Equestria is break that cycle, one pony at a time!"
"Equestria will have paying jobs, No More ." He grumbled, growing twice his usual facial hair and pulling a little metal wand from somewhere or another. He pressed a button and the sound of an air horn flooded my hearing as a blue light lit on the tip of the wand. "Drat, wrong setting!" He then proceeded to smack the wand against his palm several times until it stopped.
"You just don't understand." I muttered, weaving around a baby stroller and the mother before I ran over the former. "No one ever understands." I sighed, pulling a box of sun flowers from under me and opening it rather grumpily. I needed to stuff my face.
Then I retched as rotten flowers touched my tongue, "Equality buck..." I paused my curse, peering at the name on the box. "...Buck Sunset Flower Ranch Incorporated to the moon! They will pay for this injustice when I personally beat their faces in with this –" I shook the smelly box in my magic above me, "–very box of rotten flowers!" I held the box even higher above me, growling. "This: I swear!"
"Don't swear, swearing is very naughty." Discord then took and threw the box at a poster promoting order and calling for the the disbanding of The Sons of Chaos, Discord's tribute heavy metal polka band.
«♦»
“Segregation is a word of the past. Unity is the key to a peaceful future.” ― Suzy Kassem
Author's Note
So I've decided this is just going to be funny little stories that have no real plot, at least for now, but I'm fine with that.
"What are you, a psychotic Friendship Justice Warrior?" I turned around and found Discord being cradled in a cast by the buggy.
Whoops, tautology!
By Equality I hate the color pink. "Shut up." I growled, closing my eyes as my ears twitched. "Discord, stop it." But oh no, he just kept on strolling. His entire body was pale pink and he wouldn't stop whistling this blasted song. When I asked why about the pink, he only replied that it wouldn't be right to whistle the song without it. When I asked him about the whistling he just started whistling louder. "Discord!"
I turned and ran across the road, narrowly avoiding several passing carriages as I escaped from that terrible noise. I looked around, my pink and loud companion suspiciously quiet and unseen. "That will be a twenty hour whistling fine, Miss." I turned around, starting to scream—only for a pink slip of paper to be stuffed in my mouth. I gagged as the adhesive tasted horrible and it kept sticking to the roof of my mouth, while Discord started whistling again. After five minutes of this he sighed and reached inside my mouth(His hands tasted worse than the paper, it was like licking a beach covered in caramel!) and pulled the paper out, leaving a long pink stick between my lips. "Want a light?" He then proceeds to light the end of it.
I immediately take it from my mouth and throw it on the ground. "Discord, just what did I do to earn your spite today?!" I stomp the stick into the ground, stalking towards him. "Did I step off the bed and land at the wrong angle for Crazy Thursday or are you just trying to be the bane of my existence?!"
He stopped whistling, glaring down at me. "You locked your bedroom window! I was forced to wait until you woke up to leave my home this morning!" He then proceeded to huff and tip his head upward.
"That's because I don't want a slinky, perverted draconequus waking me up the same way you did yesterday!" I paused. "Besides, you only had to wait thirty seconds longer because you woke me up with all your screaming at the window!"
«♦»
"Oh Sunburst..." I moaned as I felt him slithering down my throat. What a wonderful way to wake up. I broke the kiss and pulled back to stare at him.
"Oh Starlight! I didn't know you cared." Two bushy white eyebrows and a revolting pale brown face then proceeded to snuggle my neck.
I took a deep breath before I proceeded to calmly and gently remove Discord from my person.
"What the ever–living, unholy, unequal buck you doing you sick pervert?!" I pulled away and began rapidly stomping on his face. "Get out of my bed and bring me some mouth wash or I'll replace your shampoo with hot sauce! In fact, I'm going to do that anyway, so get me the bucking mouth wash or I'll—I'll—!" I stopped stomping, breathing heavily. "I'll..." My head started to swirl. "I'll... Go back to sleep... I think you actually made me physically ill." I then curled up and brought my blanket over my entire body, grumbling curses and vows of vengeance under my breath as I went back to sleep.
«♦»
"Well how was I supposed to know you'd forcibly make out with me when I was trying to replace your pillows with cotton candy and caramel?" He crossed his arms and continued down the street.
"I didn't force your snake tongue half a foot down my throat!"
He looked to the right and snapped his fingers, causing a second Discord to walk over and look in a random direction, smooch his bear paw and wave it away while saying, "Goodnight everypony!" The original then looked back at me, grinning widely. "Maybe you did. You were asleep, how do you know?"
I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. "No. I'm not doing this." I opened them and waved down a cab. "Do whatever you want, I'm taking a cab to wherever you're not."
"I'm your royal parole officer. I have to follow you around as according to Twilight Sparkle's decree."
"Then sit in the back seat and let me pretend." I climbed into the taxi carriage that pulled up and hid my head between my legs, groaning in agony as I tried to forget Discord was even a concept. "Driver, take me..." I thought for a moment. "Take me to the museum of Cutie Mark History." I saw the top of his head bob before the carriage started tumbling down the road.
"Though in retrospect, why were you dreaming of making out with a stallion you haven't seen since he was a colt? Are you a colt cuddler?" I growled in defiance as he climbed over the seats and wrapped an arm around me, waving up at the sky. "Oh my." He giggled and chortled, shaking me around as he started yelling, "Starlight Glimmer: Failed Destroyer of Princesses and closet colt cuddler! You thought she was bad before folks? You haven't seen her dreams!" I could almost feel him winking down at me as he pointed to every passing pony he could and shouted it over and over again.
"Jump up your flanks and die you stupid jerk."
«♦»
"And this Cutie Mark represents: Cutie Marks!" The tour group all gasped and awed at the painting that showed a cutie mark of a pony getting a cutie mark.
I narrowed my eyes, waiting for the tour guide to move away before I pounced on the group. "Stop! Don't listen to that mare's lies! This cutie mark represents segregation and misery!" I pointed at it, seething and ranting on for a good five minutes before looking back at my audience. "Don't you get it? Cutie Marks are the root of all evil in the world!" One of them snorted a two inch long booger back up into his skull while another wiped the drool from her muzzle. I grinned widely as one raised their hoof, questions! I rarely got questions! "Yes! You in the back, what's your question?"
"Miss Lady? Can we follow the tour again now?" The small yellow colt that reminded me depressingly of Sunburst asked, looking around. "If we don't hurry she might call the principle and get us all in big trouble."
I sighed, waving them away. "Yes, yes. Go ahead you rotten little sheep." I groaned and walked away in frustration as yet another tour group of misguided youths wandered away to a life of misery.
"You seem to have a thing for foals." Discord commented, doodling mustaches on all the statues. Three dimensional mustaches I might add. "I'm starting to think that my assumption of you being a colt cuddler isn't too far off."
"Oh shut up, it's not like that." I sat down and stared as he defiled the statue of victory, a statue on loan from the Canterlot Gardens. "Foals are just the best chance I have... They haven't been tainted their entire lives by the lies of their parents, they don't know better. If I teach them this stuff early though, they might come out realizing how right I am and help my cause one day."
"It doesn't seem like it's accomplishing anything." He moved on to another statue, one of three royal guards—also from the Canterlot Gardens.
He somehow managed to un–paint their uniforms and started adding bikinis on them, with each one grower exponentially more inappropriate for public use. "B–But... No, it is!"
"Do you have proof?"
I trotted over and plucked a caramel apple while the gift shop and food vendors were at lunch. "...Of course I do." I bit into it and winced as my teeth got stuck.
"Oh really?"
"Mhm!" I shook my head frantically, trying to unstuck the apple from my teeth.
"And, pray tell, what is this proof?" Discord walked over, carrying the stone helmet of one of the statues casually. Sometimes biting it, the sound of a crisp apple being eaten replacing the sound of stone crumbling.
I managed to yank the apple from my mouth, pulling out a chunk with it. I let a muffled yell of victory escape as I chewed, triumphantly holding the apple up like a trophy of a beaten enemy. We then stood there, staring at each other as I slowly finished chewing, lowering the apple to normal height just as slowly. "Wouldn't you like to know?" I said before taking another bite.
Discord opened his mouth but closed it. "Yes, but I think those happy stallions would like to know where their money is first." He pointed behind me. I turned and stared back at the very angry looking food and gift shop vendors, their glares meeting my apathetic glance.
"Shoppe, Choppe." I nod to each, taking another bite of apple.
"Friends of yours?"
"I'm pretty sure you're banned from this museum, Miss Starlight." Shoppe said, walking over and snatching my half eaten caramel apple away. I frowned at him.
"Yeah, last I heard, the museum director wasn't very happy when he saw that you pelted the Hall of Cutie Marks with caramel apples and wrote profanities on the front windows in bedazzle gemstones, using Minator glue instead of the usual kind." I frowned a lot more when Choppe somehow teleported the half chewed apple from my mouth and placed it back on the apple, unharmed. "Did you know those windows had to be replaced? They both shattered when they tried to remove the gemstones!"
I turned my head a little. "Discord, I think we might need a cab." I whispered.
"Shouldn't I be turning you in to be arrested?"
"Probably, but you don't seem like the type to deal with paperwork like that over a harmless prank."
Shoppe whistled. "A whole five thousand bits per pane of glass. You're in a heap of trouble for coming back here, Starlight."
"Mostly harmless." I corrected before Discord snapped away and I smiled back at the two.
I hummed. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Why, I should just turn myself in now." I held my front hooves out while sitting on my haunches, illusioning handcuffs on them. "Take me away boys, I'm sure you'll get a pat on the head for teaming up and bringing in a sweet, defenseless mare." I reached out with my magic into the food vendor's shop.
"We might even get a raise, Choppe!" Shoppe grinned at his friend. "We'll be swimming in gold before you know it!" Your wish is my command.
I grabbed and teleported the contents of the caramel vat above them, letting it fall on top of them, coating them completely. I looked them over as they struggled and tried to pull themselves out of the caramel. "Close enough." I ran into the gift shop and grabbed all their bedazzling guns and gems, then ran into the food preparation area and grabbed a few caramel apples before I ran back to the front door. "Thanks!" I yelled as I ran outside.
My jaw fell as I regarded the limo carriage parked outside, each pair of seats a different pair of colors—can't say I liked that at all—and the driver a giant blob of green goop. "Your taxi awaits, Madame." Discord said with a bow
I glance between him and it. "It's hideous and the seats are unequally colored."
Discord looked up and scowled. "I know you are but what is the taxi?" This thing was going to get both of us arrested, if only by a group of overly zealous artists.
My jaw worked as I thought about what he said. "That makes no sense in this context."
"You're very ungrateful."
I stalked over and climbed into the limo carriage, "I asked specifically for a cab, I wanted a getaway vehicle, not a leisure carriage."
Discord walked over and climbed in next to the blob. "Are you saying you think this masterfully crafted taxi carriage is slow?"
"Slow, ugly, and uncomfortable, yes." I gazed back at the museum worriedly, the guards would be out any minute now. "Could we just go? Also, it's a limo, not a taxi."
Discord took the reigns, cracking them against... "Where's the carriage puller?" I asked, climbing up the the driver's chair. "How is this thing supposed to move?!" Discord just cackled as the whole thing shook and started to lift off the ground, the sides folding back and large cylinders popping out.
«♦»
"Now let me get this straight Princess." The Manehatten police commissioner said with a heavy sigh, his bushy mustache quivering a little. "You and this mare here," He gestured to me with a hoof, "Were simply testing out a flying, pegasus–less passenger carriage that went hay wire. Correct?"
"Yes." Princess Twilight said with a nod.
"And you and miss Rarity are in no way related to the crimes of Starlight Glimmer and Discord–" He studied the page, "'The most handsome Chaos God around', the pair of individuals who are under your strict restriction that escaped with the honestly ridiculous theft of thirty two bedazzle guns, forty–two hundred gemstones and three caramel apples, all after dropping a one hundred and fifty pound sheet of semi–hardened caramel onto two museum clerks, am I still following you?"
"Yes."
"And now, you want to pay off their crimes using Princess Celestia's TrustedSun Bank account information, correct?" He looked over his glasses and mustache at us.
"Yep!"
"Are you sure?"
"Mhm."
The older stallion sighed, scribbling the information down with his magic and a quill. "You understand this will leave you both exiled from Manehatten until you two pay off your own charges?"
"We understand, thank you Commissioner Lawful." Twilight said, smiling and nodding to the stallion, then fluttering her eyelashes. "If you could keep their actions under wraps and 'lose' the folder on their recent escapade, I would be most gracious. Consider it a favor to the Royal family." She winked at him, causing him to look away to hide the light blush.
"Yes, I'll uh..." He cleared his throat, scribbling more on the page. "See what I can do. Seeing your position, I'll let you see yourselves out of the city. After tomorrow however, you are both to be arrested on sight and held until the fine is paid." He hands up the blue page, stashing the pink one in a folder. "Thank you for your cooperation, Your Highness."
We both nod and quickly exit the police station. "Disc–I mean, Twilight? You're a genius."
"I'll admit it, yes I am a genius. The looks on Twilight and Rarity's faces when they come here next time will be more than priceless, a wonderful payment to hiding our day of fun." Twilight's eyes shift yellow as her pupils change and her eyebrows bush up. "Today was the most fun I've had since I was reformed! ...Aside from when Tirek let me have a tiny bit of fun before he struck me down."
"You're not afraid you'll be punished?"
"Well I might be. But this is so small I could easily brush it under the rug or blame it on Spike. Everypony hates Spike, he's always messing everything up."
"True."
«♦»
“Excellent. They were flammable.”
― James Patterson
"Discord." Celestia sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose with her magic as she sat above us on the golden throne of tyrany. "Do you know who I am?"
"Why, did you forget?" My ears flattened against my skull, trying to deface Twilight was one thing. But now having Princess Celestia upset with me? Discord, please stop making things worse.
"I am one of the three rulers of the Equestrian triarchy. Do you know who Twilight Sparkle is?"
Discord laid back into a hammock that sorta... Appeared when he laid on it."Did she forget too? Wow, this country needs a form of democracy or it'll be stuck with idiots who can't even remember their names for the rest of eternity."
"She's also one of the rulers of Equestria." She continued without missing a beat or even listening to Discord's nonsense. "Do you remember what she ordered you to do?"
"You're no fun, so lets just skip the boring questions." Discord stands up, taking a fancy suit from a clone of himself and putting it on behind a curtain. "Do I need a lawyer?" He stepped out, adding crescent moon shaped eyeglasses to finish the ensemble. "Ehh..." He then took them and squashed them between his hands, using what was left to slick his short black hair back and straight up. "Perfect." He said, fixing his red tie.
"Discord, this isn't court, you don't need a lawy–."
"Objection!" He pointed to her, now standing almost close enough to poke her eye out. She teleported him back to my side, now missing his costume. "Must you always be a killjoy?"
As Celestia turned and regarded me I gulped. "Starlight Glimmer, charges against you are being dropped on grounds of total insanity, any objections?"
"I'm not insane!" I yelled as Discord leaned against the air like a mime.
"If you're not insane, you're going to royal prison for no less than two life sentences." I moved my mouth in silence as I considered her offer.
"I am a banana!" I yelled with a stomp, as if to solidify the point further. "I am a big, bright red banana!"
"Good filly." She turned to stare at Discord again. "Discord, if you fail to actually help turn Starlight Glimmer into a decent citizen, then..." She thought for a moment. "Absolutely nothing will happen."
Discord fell through what he was leaning on immediately. "What?" As he hit the ground it fell away for a moment, him dropping aside Celestia's throne. "No punishment? No three decades of stone imprisonment? Not even one of those stupid slap bracelets?"
"Nothing will happen to you, I assure." Celestia nodded, causing Discord to cheer. "Starlight on the other hoof will be sentenced to life imprisonment."
"Wait what?" I vocalized. "But... I'm insane! He's my parole officer!" I stared in objection as Discord moon walked off the platform Celestia's throne was on. "I mean look at him!"
"Regardless. Discord is just a tiny bit too foalish—as you can plainly see—so it's up to you to guide him along the path of being your parole officer." She leaned down, giving me a wink. "Who knows? Maybe you'll end up doing something fantastic together." She leaned back up. "Oh, and by royal decree, you have to see a therapist once a week until I say otherwise." A slip of paper fluttered to me in a sheen of golden light. "Have a good day. And Discord, I expect my money back. With interest."
«♦»
"Don't you wanna go deface another museum?"
"Yes, but I can't." I said with a sigh, my eyes further narrowing.
"Oh! I know!" Discord scampered along on all twenties aside me. "Lets storm a preschool and teach them the immorality of a cutie mark!"
"I wish."
"You're a lot more uptight now that Princess Sunny–Dee–Flanks gave you her stern face." Discord commented lazily, his body erecting to a bipedal stance as his numerous other limbs popped like bubbles. "Good."
"Good? Good?!" I jabbed his chest or his belly or something on his abdomen. "I'm one good deed away from the end of my life! And you think that's good?!"
Discord bent over, pushing me back a bit. "Well I'm your parole officer. You obviously didn't understand that while you were running around, defacing museums and traumatizing children that it would get you in trouble, or you just didn't take me seriously." He snapped his fingers, a tally card with three check boxes on it. "One, two..." He checked each off before showing me the card, one box left. "One strike left. If you're gonna use it, make it a good one."
I grabbed the card and stared at it before looking back at him. "One chance left to save Equestria..." I said with a sigh. "No. I'm not wasting this on a last ditch effort that entails randomly approaching ponies, it needs to be big if it happens." I mumbled to myself. "Anyway!" I announced loudly. "To the store."
«♦»
"This is not my fault!" I yelled, ducking under another sickly green bolt of magic. "You hear me?! Not my fault!"
"Actually, is it."
"It was my fault over a year ago! How was I supposed to know the store manager still had a grudge with me?!" I spat the words at my floating companion. He had, for whatever reason, transformed himself into something resembling a glowing parasprite.
"Hey!" He called out, bopping my head with his entire, teeny tiny body.
"What?!"
"Listen!" He started slamming into my head, knocking my running course down an alley.
"I'm listening!" I swatted a hoof at him, only stumbling a little before I planted it back down and sped down the alley.
"Press the A button to roll under that fence!"
I shook my head in confusion, "Excuse you?" I turned my gaze forward and squeaked as I dropped to the ground and slid under the sorta–broken fence. "Just for the record, it's not my fault! You can't write me up for this, you hear me?!"
"Do you have a disorder of some sort that makes you believe everything on the planet is deaf?" He asked, "You really seem to like asking if ponies hear you."
"You're the one with the dis–" His entire arm came out of my mouth, reaching backwards and holding my muzzle shut.
"Shh!" He pointed with his remaining arm around the corner. "Look!"
While gagging at his taste, I peeked around the corner at... Nothing. I groaned, yanking Discord's arm out of my mouth. "Seriously?" Then a door opened in the direction he pointed just a moment ago. I shut up immediately, summoning my binoculars from home as I laid down. "Discord!" I hissed, "Get me a bush!"
I grinned as a bright green bush appeared around us, feeling instantly at ease in my natural habitat. "I'm tellin' yah, Mickey, the Boss ain't gonna be too happy when he finds out that filly roughed up his caramel apple business at the Cutie Mark museum." I cringed at the stallions greasy pores being magnified by the powerful binoculars, quickly stowing them away. "He made some good money from them goons I hear."
"I dunno, Baleful." Mickey said, on his flank a cutie mark of a glass with two fizzing white dots at the bottom. "And I said to call me by my full name, Bruise–y! We's friends now, right? That's what friends do."
"Mickey, I'm not calling you Slippa Mickey. That is just a mouthful and you know it."
"Well'n I ain't gonna call you Baleful Bruises!"
His friend seemed taken aback, "B–But you can't use my real name, Mickey! The boys'll laugh!"
"Slippa Mickey, Daisy Shiner." Mickey grinned at his friend. "Slippa Mickey."
Daisy glared, audibly grinding his teeth so loud even me and Discord could hear it. "You can't use my real name, Slippa Mickey. Capiche?"
"Crystal clear, sunshine." Mickey tossed the garbage away finally, taking a lean next to the door. "I wonder if big boss, Titan will put out a bounty on her?"
"Who knows?" Daisy tossed his garbage away before walking past his friend, "C'mon fool. We gots' work to do."
They both went inside, closing and locking the door. I sat my binoculars down, sighing. "Well, there's another crime boss I've upset. Seriously, where is the police when you need them?" In retrospect, I should probably consider moving. More than half of Manehatten wants my head on a stake, and the other half want my head on their personal stake.
Whoooop! Whoop–Whoop!
I flinched as Red and Blue lights reflected off the wall in front of me, near blinding me. "Gah! What the Tartarus?!" I looked around, peeking out the bush.
"I think we have a mystery on our han–" He looked at his claw and bear paw. "Our appendages!" Discord stood, holding a siren and police light above us in a sort of reverence. Around his neck was a orange ascot. "Let's split up and look for clues!"
«♦»
Gang, we have a mystery on our hands! —Fred
Author's Note
and the other half want my head on their personal stake.
Tell me someone got that. Anyone.
Also, the names of the goons? Anyone get Mickey's reference either? I mean, c'mon. That's the most criminal–y name I could think of.
