With three possible winners on the very next card, I got right into starting the next round by drawing the top black card from the stack. "With enough time and pressure," I began, hoping to not hear it from Trixie this time around, "_____ will turn into _____."

"Oh, I don't wanna play this..." Pinkie sadly said, "But it's the only combo I have..."

"Mine probably won't work..." Shining unenthusiastically said while giving me his 2 cards.

I soon had 12 cards in front of me and immediately began reading them. "With enough time and pressure," I continued, "A crappy little hoof will turn into a Hearth's Warming stocking full of coleslaw. Wait, what?? That's ridiculous!"

"Isn't that the point of the game?" Maud blankly asked. I couldn't believe Maud of all ponies would bring that up.

After sighing, I said, "You're right. Anyway, with enough time and pressure, a boo-boo will turn into one unforgettable night of passion. Geez, that's an odd way to reveal a BDSM fetish. With enough time and pressure, the placenta will turn into a shiny rock that proves I love you. I'll think about it. With enough time and pressure, a crazy little thing called love will turn into treasure beyond your wildest dreams."

"Awww..." came the voices of Pinkie, Sunset, and Trixie.

"With enough time and pressure, blowjobs for everyone will turn into an...unforgettable...cutesieañera..."

"NNNNGH..." Shining mumbled.

"Wow... Didn't see that coming..." Sunset said.

"With enough time and pressure, the swim team, all at once will turn into a tribe of warrior mares. Good, but no. I'm gonna be sweet for once and go with the love and treasure cards."

"That was mine!" Starlight happily replied. I had to admit, that was probably the least offensive answer I had ever seen in anything Cards Against Humanity-related.

Once Starlight had her point, Sunset drew the next card with her magical aura. "Help me doctor, I've got _____ in my butt!" she said.

"Mine's a throwaway..." Maud said as she gave Sunset her card.

"I think mine makes enough sense to work," Starlight said as she did the same thing as Maud.

"Be careful," I said to the light lavender unicorn, "The answer that makes the most sense usually doesn't win." Starlight had no response.

"Okay, let's see what we've got," Sunset said as the sixth card made it in front of her, "Help me doctor, I've got a micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties in my butt!"

"Awww..." Pinkie moaned as her mane deflated slightly, "Really?"

"Help me doctor, I've got nothing in my butt!"

"How ironic..." Maud mentioned.

"Help me doctor, I've got..." she then paused for a few seconds. Eventually, Sunset facehoofed and said, "I've got doo-doo in my butt..."

"Hahaha!!!" Shining and I audibly laughed.

"Help me doctor, I've got such a big colt in my butt!"

"Gee, Sunset," I began, feeling as mischievous as Discord, "I didn't realize you loved taking it up the ass!" This caused a few others to laugh.

"Hahaha..." Sunset laughed in feign as she rolled her eyes, "Help me doctor, I've got...just the tip in my butt..."

"See what I mean? Huh? Huh?" I asked the others, to which I received more giggles.

"Help me doctor, I've got a box-shaped mare in my butt! Nah. You know, I think I'll go with such a big colt."

"Sweet!" I replied. I was ecstatic to be in a tie for first place. Only Starlight, Trixie, and Maud had yet to score 9 points.

"Well..." Starlight began while chuckling, "I think this has a good chance of being the final card. I tried _____ and hopelessly failed."

I was really glad to see this card. The first time I recalled seeing this card in play, one of my friends played 'existing' and won. It was truly a moment to remember. This time around, I didn't have that card, but I had something that I knew could easily win me the game in the next few minutes.

It took about fifteen seconds for Starlight to receive all six cards. "Okay," she continued, "I tried changing a pony's mind with logic and facts and hopelessly failed."

"Wow, that makes a lot of sense," Sunset said.

"It sure does," Starlight continued, "Anyway, I tried cuddling and hopelessly failed. Awww... That's too bad. I tried never having sex again and hopelessly failed."

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" I laughed, "YES!"

"I tried concealing a boner and hopelessly failed."

"Ha!" Shining began, "We stallions always have that problem!"

"I tried turning the rivers red with the blood of infidels and hopelessly failed. Well, I suppose that does sound difficult. Anyway, I tried wearing an octopus for a hat and hopelessly failed. Well, that's pretty accurate, but concealing a boner was really funny. I'll go with that one."

"Huzzah!" Trixie began, "The Great and Powerful Trixie survives!"

"What?!?" Shining asked, "No winner?!?"

"I guess not!" Pinkie replied.

"Boy," I began, "It's really gonna be interesting seeing how far this thing goes. I mean, wouldn't it be something if we all got to 9 before there was a winner?"

"Then you wouldn't be able to win!" Sunset said.

"Well, you're right about that..." I replied.

"Okay, let's go on," Trixie said as she took the next card in the pile, "What killed my boner?"

"We're ending this now..." Shining sternly mumbled as he gave his card to the unicorn to his right.

"Oh?" Starlight inquisitively asked as she gave Trixie her card.

"Yeah," Shining replied, "I don't see how mine can lose."

"We'll see about that..." Maud said to the stallion with a smile.

"Okay, are we ready?" Trixie eventually asked. We all nodded, so she began to read the cards. "What killed my boner? All my friends dying."

"Awww..." Pinkie said with a sad expression on her face.

"Shoot..." Shining said, "There goes my chance at winning..."

"The boners of the elderly."

"Haha!!" I laughed.

"No! That's vile! A lifetime of sadness."

There was a long silence...

"Why do all of these have to work so well?" Sunset asked.

"Who knows?" Trixie continued, "Anyway, half-assed foreplay. Can't argue with that... The dentist."

"Well played..." I said.

"Your weird brother. Wow, most of these worked one way or another. Hmmm..."

Since Trixie wasn't in the four-way tie for first place, there was only a 1 in 3 chance of her picking a card who belonged to somepony who had yet to reach 9 points. With each passing second, I grew increasingly more eager to hear what the blue unicorn's decision would be. I also prepared myself for another hilarious bout of rage from Shining Armor if Trixie were to pick either Maud's or Starlight's card.

It seemed like forever for Trixie to pick the winner, but we eventually heard her ask, "Who had all my friends dying?"

"Me..." Maud said, raising her right forehoof.

"SON OF A BITCH!!!!!" Shining screamed.

I was truly shocked to hear such a high-ranking member of the Royal Guard using such language, but at the same time, it was perfectly appropriate for this game. "Wow, Shining," I began, "How do you know that phrase? I figured it only existed in my world."

Shining groaned, still frustrated that there was now a five-way tie for first place. "Let's just say Discord's visited the Crystal Empire one too many times..." he eventually replied.

"Oh..." I responded, not needing any more information from the white stallion across from me.

After exhaling for several seconds straight, Shining ignited his horn with magic and picked up the next card. "Money can't buy me love," he began, "But it can buy me _____."

"Please forgive Trixie, Shining Armor," Trixie began, a coy grin on her face as she gave the stallion her card, "But this game will not be ending anytime soon..."

"Yeah, it will," I said in response as I gave Shining my card.

"No, it won't!" Trixie shot back.

"Whatever you say, Trixie..." I replied, throwing my palms up.

"You know," Shining began again, "As much as I'd like to win, all this suspense is just stressing me out, so I'm probably just gonna go with some random card so we can end this. Anyway, money can't buy me love, but it can buy me vigilante justice. Nah. Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me flightless birds. Maybe. Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me a really cool hat. I guess that works. Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me 40 acres and a mule." Twilight and I had obviously opted to keep that card in this edition, despite me forgetting what '40 acres and a mule' actually meant. "Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me an oversized lollipop."

"There you go!" Pinkie began, "There's something for Flurry Heart to enjoy!"

Shining smiled. "Yeah, you're right. Anyway, money can't buy me love, but it can buy me the biggest, blackest dick."

"Finally!" I yelled.

"Hahaha!!!" Shining laughed, "Oh, Twiley and Cadance told me all about this card!"

"It's about freakin' time we saw that!" I continued in reply.

"I almost forgot about that card!" Pinkie mentioned, "Fluttershy was the Card Czar when it was played!"

"Okay, this ended on a really funny note," Shining finished, "Who had the biggest, blackest dick?"

"Once again, The Great and Powerful Trixie hangs on!" Trixie proclaimed as she threw her forelegs in the air.

"Nice one, Trixie!" I said to the unicorn, "Sorry about earlier. If I had known you'd played that card, I wouldn't have started an argument."

The blue magician smiled at me and replied, "Trixie forgives you."

"Thanks," I finished with a smile.

With it now possible for all of us to reach 9 at the end of the round, my adrenaline levels rose considerably. Of course, I, like the others, wanted to win, but actually pulling off going 9 rounds with no winner was something I was desperate to witness.

As Trixie added her eighth Awesome Point to her stack, Maud drew the next black card from the stack and said, "I went from _____ to _____, all thanks to _____. Draw 2, Pick 3."

"Okay, everypony, I'm sure you all know the drill by now," I said.

"Absolutely," Trixie replied.

"Yep!" Sunset said.

This card had turned up at a very opportune time. Since it involved each player picking 3 cards, the suspense would be drawn out even further. Back home, it took upwards of a minute for my pals to each submit an answer. The same went for me right at this moment, as I couldn't find the cards to put together a decent combo with. Come to think of it, it worked, but parts of it were rather vague.

After close to a minute, like I had expected, Maud had 18 white cards in front of her, not including her own. One by one, she began to read them off. "I went from walking into a glass door to unquestioning obedience, all thanks to eating together like a damn family for once. I'm not too sure about that one. I went from three consecutive seconds of happiness to catastrophic urethral trauma, all thanks to ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry."

"Ouch!" Trixie yelled.

"Ha! That was pretty good!" I said, "I mean, it'd probably pertain more to males, but wow, was that funny!" Anytime the last card in that particular combo showed up, whether here or back home, everyone playing got a good laugh out of it.

"I went from syphilitic insanity to depression, all thanks to a sad fat dragon with no friends." Never in my life had I been happier to not have Spike here right now. "I went from burning down a hospital to daddy issues, all thanks to epically failing at life."

"Wow..." Sunset said.

"That's a really sad life, if you ask me..." Starlight followed up.

"I went from whispering all sexy to running off into the sunset, all thanks to the gays. I'm not quite seeing how that works... I went from these low, low prices to unfathomable stupidity, all thanks to ambiguous sarcasm." Once she finished, Maud carefully looked over her options.

I truly felt that this was it. The last three picks, in my opinion, were just coincidental luck. I was still in disbelief that we had managed to go this far into a game without a winner. The first game at my house didn't even come close to this, and the last game here at the castle only had two black cards played before a winner was declared. Now, if Maud somehow chose the combo played by either Starlight or Trixie, we would be on the verge of something that I never thought I would witness - 9 full rounds and still no winner. This game was really coming down to the wire, and at this point, I had to agree with Shining Armor with the fact that this suspense was stressing me out to no end. As much as I wanted this game to continue, I really hoped we would have a winner soon.

I didn't keep track of how long it took Maud to come to a final decision, but it felt like an eternity. My heart was pumping like crazy, hoping that my obscure combo had somehow won.

Finally, after staring at her choices for what seemed like forever, but in reality was only 45 seconds, Maud lifted her head and faced her sister. Picking up the black card, she said, "Pinkie, you win."

The pink party pony's eyes went wide. "Wh-What??" she asked with great anticipation, "Which one are you picking??"

"This one's yours, isn't it?" Maud asked as she slid the combo beginning with 'Three consecutive seconds of happiness' in front of her little sister.

The gray pony's actions caused the pink pony to gasp loudly. "IT IS!!" Pinkie began to cheer, "IT IS!! I WIN!!!" She then started bouncing all around the room, even bouncing on the table multiple times.

"What?? Come on!" Shining yelled again.

"How did you know that was hers?" Sunset asked the gray mare.

"Maud Sense..." Maud replied.

Ceasing her bouncing as she came up next to the yellow-orange unicorn, Pinkie calmly said, "It runs in the family," before returning to her personal celebratory antics.

Sunset only sat there with a look of confusion on her face. "I'm not even gonna ask..." she said to Starlight to which the light lavender mare responded by shaking her head a few times.

"I can't believe it! I actually won! This calls for a huge party!" Pinkie continued. I felt that she was going to explode into a million pieces of confetti any second now.

"Whoa, hold up, Pinkie," I began, "Aren't you forgetting about something?"

This caused the pink earth pony to cease her erratic bouncing. "Oh, you're right!" she replied, "We still have to make a haiku, don't we?"

"Yep," I replied, reaching for the box under the table. Since Pinkie had possession of the game box before giving it over to me at the beginning, I had hoped she had separated the 'Make a haiku' card from the rest of them, but as I examined the box, it was nowhere to be found.

"Uhhh... Pinkie?" I began to ask, "Do you know where the...?"

"Right here!" Pinkie replied as she pulled the card I was looking for out of her poofy, cotton candy-like mane. She then put it in front of me on the table before saying, "Okay, everyone! We're gonna need to draw 2 more cards again!"

"And, just for the record," I said, "You're not required to make a literal 5-7-5 haiku."

"Good," a certain blue unicorn replied, "Because Trixie doesn't have the right cards to do so."

Once again, I looked over the 12 cards in my hand. I had a couple of cards that were customs from back home, but it turned out that I didn't need them, as I soon found three cards that formed a rather sad, but functional, 'haiku'.

I set my three cards in front of myself on the table while I waited for the others to do the same. It took about a minute, but we were eventually ready to go. "I'll start again," I said, picking up my three cards, "Being paralyzed from the neck down, a toxic family environment, another shitty year."

"Wow..." Starlight said.

Sunset then picked up her cards and began to read them. "Mine says..."

THIS HAIKU HAS BEEN CENSORED FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE

No one said a thing. Amidst one constantly blank expression, there were many wide eyes and open mouths. Trixie was the first to do anything, putting her hoof over her mouth and mumbling, "Excuse me," before teleporting herself to what I assumed would be the bathroom. I felt like doing the same thing.

"Ewww!!!" Pinkie yelled.

"That's horrible!" Starlight followed up. Shining only grunted and turned his head to the side, bringing a hoof up to partially block his vision.

"Really, Sunset??" I asked.

"What? It's all I had!" the unicorn replied as Trixie reappeared in the dining room.

"Trixie would advise you all to not use the nearby restroom anytime soon..." she said, a look of disgust still on her face.

After another brief silence, Starlight hesitantly picked up her cards. "Okay, then..." she said, "A stallion on the brink of orgasm, scrotal frostbite, bees?"

It was now Trixie's turn to read her haiku. "Being born with two fully-functioning penises, my hot cousin, not being sure what to do to her under the covers."

"Hahaha!!!" Shining laughed, "Nice! Mine says, 'Being a motherfucking box, a box within a box, being on fire'."

"Poor box..." Maud said before picking up her cards, "Coat hanger abortions, throwing a virgin into a volcano, survivor's guilt."

"Ooooo..." I moaned, covering my face with one hand.

Pinkie then read her haiku. "Wiping her butt, the passage of time, whipping it out."

"Uhhh... Okay?" Starlight said.

"Alright, let's all decide who wins," I spoke.

"I think we should rule out Starlight's," Sunset immediately said.

"Pinkie's as well," Trixie said.

"You know, I don't think mine's all that great at this point," Shining admitted.

"Hmmm..." I spoke again, "The rest of these all seem rather decent, although Maud's is a little iffy. I'm not sure if throwing a virgin into a volcano or having an abortion would cause survivor's guilt."

"Yeah," Starlight said, "That doesn't sound very likely."

"Okay," I replied, "So that leaves three - mine, Sunset's, and Trixie's."

"Oooo! I have an idea!" Pinkie interjected.

"What's up?" I asked the party pony.

"How about Starlight, Shining, Maud, and I go into a corner and decide for ourselves?"

I thought about her idea for a few seconds before replying, "Sure, that sounds good. Go right ahead!"

"Great!" Pinkie finished before she and the other aforementioned ponies went to the side of the room and huddled up.

I really couldn't decide between the three remaining haikus. Although Sunset's was extremely disgusting, I felt it still had a chance at winning. Trixie's was pretty hilarious once I thought about it, and mine was basically a crappy lifestyle. I knew there'd be a bit of surprise in the air once the winner was decided.

After less than a minute, the four ponies came back to the table. "So," I began, "Who won?"

"You did!" Pinkie replied, pointing at me with a hoof.

My eyes widened a little. "Really?? How?"

"Well, Sunset's was just gross, there's an easy solution to Trixie's, and yours just worked out perfectly enough for us all to like it!"

I hadn't won this card in quite some time, and I was very honored to have done so right now. "Wow, thanks!" I replied.

"You're welcome!" Pinkie said in return, "Now come on! We've gotta get my victory party set up!" She then started bouncing out of the room, presumably to head to Sugar Cube Corner and other nearby locations for party supplies and refreshments. This was going to be an interesting party...

Author's Note

Let's hear it for our winner, Pinkie Pie! *imagines applause*

At this point, I cannot say for certain whether or not I will do another one of these. I thought 2 was enough, initially, but now that I've done three, plus all the positive feedback I've received over this series, I'm just not sure what to expect from here on out. However, if I do decide to make another one of these stories, I'll be sure to let you all know.

Here are the final scores:

Me: 9 (plus 'Make a haiku')
Sunset: 9
SG: 8
Trixie: 8
SA: 9
Maud: 9
Pinkie: 10

Here are everyone's remaining cards:

Me:
Quivering jowls.
Friction.
Swimming with piranhas.
Chemical castration.
A good sniff.
Crying into the pages of A.K. Yearling.
My soul.
Heartwarming orphans.
A balanced breakfast.

Sunset:
Statistically validated stereotypes.
The royal afterbirth.
A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.
Advice from a wise, old zebra.
Manehattan's standards of beauty.
Figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin.
Ominous background music.
Preteens.
The chronic.

SG:
Funky fresh rhymes.
Yeast.
Famine.
Racism.
A sofa that says, "I have style, but I like to be comfortable."
A mare-shaped box.
A pyramid of severed heads.
Sneezing, farting, and cumming at the same time.
A gender identity that can only be conveyed by slam poetry.

Trixie:
Copping a feel.
Poor ponies.
A bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal ponies.
A bag of magic beans.
A ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings.
Generally having no idea what's going on.
Rabies.
A stallion in yoga pants with a ponytail and feather earrings.
All-you-can-eat hayfries for 5 bits.

SA:
Lockjaw.
Dry heaving.
Subduing a grizzly bear and making her your wife.
Licking things to claims them as your own.
The male gaze.
Sharks with legs.
Moral ambugity.
100 stallions forming an anal sex chain.
Pretending to care.

Maud:
The safe word.
Lumberjack fantasies.
My relationship status.
An oppressed group of ponies with a vibrant culture.
Bathing in moonsblood and dancing around the ancient oak.
A face full of dragon cum.
Child beauty pageants.
Calculating every mannerism so as not to suggest homosexuality.
The clitoris.

Pinkie:
My dad's dumb fucking face.
Screaming like a maniac.
Fillies and colts on leashes.
A powered exoskeleton.
Dragon attacks.
A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer.
All the single mares.
Basic equine decency.
Goblins.