Greatly anticipating what was in store for this game, I reached for the stack of freshly printed black cards and took the top one in my right hand. "What's the gift that keeps on giving?" I asked, officially beginning what I assumed was the first ever game of Cards Against Equinity to be played.

Like before, it took about a minute for everypony to look over their options and pick the best card they had.

"I think this might make too much sense to work," Sunset said as she slid her card over to me.

"Oh, wow, this is gonna be so disgusting..." Shining said, chuckling as he floated his choice over to me.

Soon, I had six brand new white cards in front of me, and as everypony replenished their supply, I began to read them. "What's the gift that keeps on giving? Unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks."

"Shoot, now you've got me hungry!" Sunset said.

"A.K. Yearling's delicious asshole."

"Ewww!!!" Pinkie exclaimed, keeping her tongue out of her mouth for a period of time.

"Enormous Fillydelphian mares."

"Hahaha!" Shining laughed out loud, "What??"

"Saying 'I love you'. Awww... Drinking responsibly. I guess so. A sex goblin with a carnival penis. Maybe for some ponies, but I'm gonna go with unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks, 'cause I really love food."

"Wheee!!!" Pinkie cheered, snatching her Awesome Point from me.

Sunset Shimmer was sitting to my left, so it was now her turn to be the Card Czar. "Okay," she began, closing her eyes for a moment. I couldn't tell what she was doing, but my question was answered as she slowly got her horn to power up and take the next card. I figured she would have already practiced some basic levitation in the time between her coming back through the portal and now.

"Why am I sticky?" Sunset asked.

"I could think of plenty of reasons..." I replied.

"Hey!" she playfully jerked back in reply.

"Haha...Relax. Mine's a throwaway, anyway."

"Oh, alright," the unicorn replied, only now noticing that the six white cards had gotten to her rather quickly. "Why am I sticky?" she asked again, "Gladitorial combat. Nah." She immediately tossed the card aside. "Hot cheese."

"Wait, wouldn't you be more burnt than sticky?" Shining asked.

"I guess so," Sunset replied, "Anyway, a bigger, blacker dick."

"Ha!" Pinkie and I laughed in unison. Starlight also stifled a few giggles of her own.

"Falling into the toilet."

"How unpleasant..." Maud flatly remarked, briefly glancing at her white cards.

"Changeling cum. Well, I guess if you're that desperate, then yes. Having sex on top of a pizza. Gross, but it makes sense." The unicorn then took some time to review her options. "Wow...Ummm...I can't really decide. Am I allowed to just pick one at random without knowing what I'm picking?"

"Sure, go right ahead," I replied.

"Thanks," Sunset finished. She then levitated the remaining five cards and mixed them up before bringing them down again. "Okay," she began again, "Why am I sticky?" She then placed one random card down on the table. "Falling into the toilet."

"Yes! The Great and Powerful Trixie has prevailed!" Trixie proclaimed. We all stared at her for a few seconds. "Oh, umm..." she continued, looking a little guilty, "I mean, that was mine, thank you."

As Trixie floated her card over to herself, Starlight took the next black card in her magic and read it aloud. "_____. Three seconds later, _____. Boy. That escalated quickly." I was surprised that Twilight had ultimately decided to use 'boy' in the context of that card. I figured she would have used something else.

"Okay, everypony," I said, "This is a 'Pick 2' card. Place the card you want to use in the first blank face-down, and then put the card you want to use for the second blank face-down on top of it." I had already chosen two cards from my hand, so I used them to demonstrate what I meant. They all seemed to take the hint, and before long, Starlight had twelve white cards in front of her.

"Okay," the light lavender unicorn said, "A fortuitous turnip harvest. Three seconds later, demonic possession. Boy. That escalated quickly."

I then glanced at Sunset. She rolled her eyes at me, and I assumed she knew what I was implying.

"Wearing glasses and sounding smart," Starlight continued, "Three seconds later, teenage pregnancy. Boy. That escalated quickly."

"It sure did..." Sunset said before cringing.

"Frolicking. Three seconds later, seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes. Boy. That escalated quickly."

"That's rather...sad," Trixie slowly said.

"Breaking out into song and dance. Three seconds later, natural selection. Boy. That escalated quickly. Hmmm... Not quickly enough. Agriculture. Three seconds later, a brain tumor. Boy. That escalated quickly."

"Those must have been some potent plants..." Maud said.

"Sunshine and rainbows. Three seconds later, dead foals."

There was a long silence. Starlight didn't even finish reading the card.

"That...sure did escalate quickly..." I said.

"Awww...I wanna cry..." Pinkie said, sadly.

"Hmmm..." Starlight continued, "A few of these worked pretty well, but I think I'll go with the frolicking combo."

"That's me!" Sunset happily replied, using a hoof to move her Awesome Point away from the pony to her left.

I then heard Trixie clear her throat as she took the next black card from the stack. "Ahem. I have a strict policy. First date, dinner. Second date, kiss. Third date, _____."

I instantly saw a card in my hand that was short, but it worked so well. I passed it across the table to Trixie, and the others did the same thing, as well.

"Okay," Trixie continued, "I have a strict policy. First date, dinner. Second date, kiss. Third date, elderly Neighponese stallions."

"Boy," Sunset said, "That has too many possibilities for an ending."

"First date, dinner. Second date, kiss. Third date, the Power Ponies Holiday Special."

"Oh, man..." I said, lowering my head. Contrary to popular belief, there was in fact a Power Ponies holiday special that was subpar to all the other movies.

"Third date, bullshit." This got most of us laughing, but Maud simply kept her stare fixed on the Card Czar. "Third date, bingeing and purging. Ewww...Absolutely not. Third date, my collection of high-tech sex toys."

"Nice!" Starlight commented.

"Third date, not contributing to society in any meaningful way. Trixie doesn't think so. Who had bullshit?"

"I did!" I replied, reaching my hand out. Trixie then used her great and powerful telekinetic abilities to give me my Awesome Point.

Shining Armor then took a deep breath. "Whooo..." he said while exhaling, "Here we go." He then used his magic to draw the next black card. "Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it _____?"

"Hey, man, I'm gonna apologize in advance," I said as I passed my card to the stallion. He raised an eyebrow, but that was it.

As the others passed their cards in, I realized it was a little funny that Shining's own sister had drawn that same card in the first round when we played back at my house.

"Alright," Shining continued, "Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it my genitals?" This got nearly every single one of us laughing really loudly. Even Maud cracked a light smile. "Is it a disappointing birthday party?"

"I think that's a good reason," Pinkie said.

"Is it a web of lies?"

"That, too," Starlight said.

"Is it being a dragon?"

"Ha!" I laughed, "Imagine if Rarity was here!" This got Pinkie laughing again.

"Is it..." the stallion paused as he stared at the white card in his magic. "...a bloody pacifier?" Nearly all of us cringed at that, while Maud turned her head slightly away from the stallion.

"Like I said, I apologize in advance..." I said, admitting that that was my card.

Shining gave a single chuckle and smiled. "Don't worry about it," he said, "I'm not upset. Anyway, is it not believing in giraffes?"

"I think we all know who'd consider that a plausible reason for not wanting to get it on..." I said.

"Let's see...My genitals was pretty hilarious. Who had that?"

"MEEE!!!" Pinkie exclaimed, eagerly reaching for the card.

As Pinkie received her Awesome Point, Maud took the next card. I had no idea what to expect with her being the Card Czar, but one thing I knew for certain was that she wasn't going to laugh or anything like that, making the waiting time for her picking a winner even more suspenseful.

"When you get right down to it," Maud began, "_____ is just _____."

"Mine's a throwaway," Sunset admitted as she floated her two cards over to the grey earth pony. As for me, the two cards I had chosen had a rather slim chance of winning.

Soon, Maud was ready to read off the cards. "When you get right down to it," she continued, "Jizz is just a reason not to commit suicide."

"What??" Trixie asked.

"Hahaha!" Sunset giggled.

"When you get right down to it, when you fart and a little bit comes out is just butt stuff. You're right. It is. When you get right down to it, existing is just active listening. I don't think so. When you get right down to it, ejaculating inside another stallion's wife is just the true meaning of Hearth's Warming."

"Uhhh..." Starlight began, "Really?"

"When you get right down to it, grave robbing is just mutually assured destruction. I suppose, since you're causing destruction to a grave. When you get right down to it, almost giving money to a homeless pony is just sweet, sweet vengeance."

"You know," Shining began, "If you actually know the pony really well, that's pretty dark."

"You're right," Maud replied, "I'm going with the fart and butt stuff."

"Yay! 2 in a row!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Are you serious??" I asked the pink mare, "How are you getting all the good cards??"

"I don't know!" she replied, "But who cares! Now I'm the Card Czar!" She then picked up the next card and read it aloud. "The five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, _____, Acceptance."

"This one again? Alright..." I trailed off. I immediately regretted saying that, as I soon saw a card in my hand that seemed like the perfect placement.

As Trixie floated her choice to the pink pony to my right, she said, "Trixie thinks you will all find this rather hilarious."

"We'll see about that, Trixie..." Pinkie continued as the last of the cards appeared in front of her, "Anyway, the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Court-ordered rehab, Acceptance. Meh...Maybe. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Blowing some dudes in an alley, Acceptance."

"Yeesh..." Sunset quietly said.

"Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Swapping bodies with mom for a day, Acceptance."

"What???" Trixie exclaimed while Sunset, Pinkie, Starlight, and I burst into a huge fit of giggles.

Once she regained her composure, Pinkie said, "Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Urinating out of a 50-story window, Acceptance."

"HAHAHA!!!" Shining laughed, "Who does that??"

"Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Being fat and stupid, Acceptance. Hmmm...I guess that could work. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Drinking alone, Acceptance."

"OOOOOOOO..." came the voices of several of us.

"Yeah...I think that one is the closest one here to depression. Who had this last one?"

"Me!" Sunset replied, taking the card in her magic and bringing it to where her other Awesome Point was.

"Well, guys, that's the end of round one. How about we take 10 and then keep going?"

"Fine by me," Starlight replied.

"My sediments exactly," Trixie responded, "Trixie needs to use the little filly's room right about now."

"Not unless I beat you there!" Pinkie competitively exclaimed before speeding out of the room.

"Hey!" Trixie shouted as she ran after the party pony. I couldn't help but laugh.

Author's Note

I apologize if this chapter seemed a bit lacking in words, but with Discord not playing, there's a lot less going on.

In the meantime, the first round has concluded, and here are the scores:

Me: 1
Sunset: 2
Starlight: 0
Trixie: 1
Shining Armor: 0
Maud: 0
Pinkie: 3