Chapters Lessons On Your Pony Waifu
Lesson 1: What is Waifus?
I sit in an armchair, it's red pillowy cushions adjusting to my position. I keep my hard Apple cider by my side with the coffee table, which is on my right. The fireplace two feet away was crackling with its wood, keeping the glowing room shining. I look at the top of the fireplace, to see a golden framed screen that changes with a click of a button on the arm chair I sit in. Gary is behind the camera, ready to start rolling as he aims it at me. I have on my red robe I had in the wardrobe Cadance gave me. I don't have on my fedora, but it rests on my left side of the armchair. My robes are really soft, which was comfortable. My leathery wings didn't feel cramp as I sat in my chair. I keep a secret microphone enchanted to be invisible to the camera on my head, as it is a headset. Gary waits at the camera, giving me the signal. I return the signal and the camera rolls.
"Oh, hello everypony, welcome to lessons about your waifu, I am your host, Bonebeat, with my socially incompetent camera stallion, Gary," I say.
"Screw you," he answers back.
"Shut up Gary," I say, taking a sip from my glass. "Today's lesson, what is a waifu? Waifu comes from the root words: why, and fu. Why stands for why did you even get one in the first place, and fu is the art of containing merciless sexual predators," I say. I take a sip. I nod my head for emphasis when I say," True facts, now let us have some visual aid from the tv," I say as I turn to the screen above me. Gary turns the camera and zooms in to the screen. This is where the camera is turned off and the screen recorder cuts on. "Waifus are descendants of what is known today as love," the tv cuts to a picture of a heart. "Love is a rare form that exist in every creature, to gain love, one must stupidly waste their money on flowers and chocolates," the screen changes to a picture of chocolate pieces in light blue wrappers. "Gary have you ever had Pigon?"
"Pigon?" Gary repeated.
"Yes Gary, Pigon, they normally make soap or shampoo, but they also have chocolate. You know, the sugary brown stuff," I say.
"I'm not that stupid," he replies.
"That's debatable," I say. The screen transitions to a picture of a pony's sillouhette with an x-Ray of a brain. In the center of the brain was a rock. I took a sip, nod my head and said, "True facts." I lean back on my chair," Now back to the subject at hoof, Waifus are very common to find, from mares, to guys who're actually mares. True facts. Waifus also come in many shapes and forms. Like pigs. I could go for some bacon right now, what about you Gary?" I ask. The picture changes into a bacon piece with sausage with eggs on a white plate.
"You are very freaking disgusting," he replies. I nod my head.
"Oh yeah, I'm a bat pony. Oh well, screw you Gary, back to the subject. Waifus are always competitive to get love for no reason whatsoever. The ultimate love stealing way to get a stallion change to another waifu is rather unknown, sneaky frickers," I say with a smirk. I take a sip from my glass and sigh. "Another fact about Waifus, they can be loyal and useful, very much unlike Gary. He's only Loyal."
"Hey douchebag, another true fact, I'm able to beat someone upside the head with their own chair," Gary said. I nodded.
"Indeed, true fact," I say. "There are three things left peeps, so don't sleep like a Gary. The first thing is that I have to put an advertisement here," I say. I pull out an Applejack Daniels. "Feel thirsty after eating bacon? No? Too bad, drink hard Apple cider provided by our sponsors from Sweet Apple Acres. It's only bad when you throw it away," I say. I took the bottle, poured some into my glass and threw it in the fire, making an explosion erupt. Gary ducks behind the camera. "The second thing is, at the end of every lesson there is a quiz, so take at your own risk. When you meet your waifu, do you A: give her flowers and love? B: Give her chocolate and love? C: Giver her some attention? Or D: Give her hard Apple cider? Alright, now that that's out of the way," I say. I chug my cider and threw the glass into the fire. I get out a handgun and aim at the camera. "This is Bonebeat and Gary signing off, in the next lesson we will tell you who got it right, and what they are awarded. We'll even include them. Also, the Crystal Empire thanks you for listening or watching. In be next lesson, we'll be opening a subject in Waifus, featuring a live specimen and hopefully a guest. We'll also have a new camera," I say. I wave at the camera before pulling the trigger with the hook of my wing. The camera flies out of Gary's hooves, and lands with a thud. Gary looks at it with a scared expression.
"Dude that costs thousands of hits!" He said.
"Sure, but we're getting paid at least five thousand, I live in a hut outside of Ponyville, and I rarely need a lot of money," I say. "You can take my pay check."
"... It's still rolling..."
"Alright, bye guys!" I say. Gary turns the camera off, and looks at me with the menacing of dark glares.
"It took me five thousand bits to get this camera."
"Wait, Princess Cadence didn't give you that?"
"No."
"... Oh shit."
Lessons On Your Pony Waifu
The camera rolls as I sit in the exact scene as last time, the only difference was that there was a yellow Pegasus with pink hair in front of me. "Hello everypony! It's me, Bonebeat and our camera stallion who should be dead!"
"Screw you."
"I say shut up, you say screw you, perfect!" I say. "Anyway. We have a guest star in this lesson, mind telling us your name?" I ask. Very faintly, the mare shyly told it.
"Fluttershy," she says.
"Great, and now let us introduce our guest co star for being the only one to answer the question!" I say. I took out a note card and read. "Aracadunto? The hell of a name is that?" I ask.
"It says Arcadunato moron," Gary says.
"Shut up insignificant being," I say as I reread the note card. "Ah, it says Arcadunato, silly billy me," I say. Gary rolls his eyes as a weird alien walks through the door.
"Um, to be honest I didn't think you were serious about the question," he says as he sits down in an armchair that appeared.
"Don't worry, I'm a good guy about that," I say. "And you answered with C right?" I ask. He nods. "Welp, shows how stupid you are," I say as I crumbled the note card.
"What?" Everyone asks.
"The answer was E, who gives a flying feathery frick. Oh well. So how do you feel right now?"
"I feel like I'm about to slap you."
"Oh hey look at the time! Do you like bananas?" I ask.
"Yeah yeah sure, I like bananas but-"
"Okay okay, that's good, because you are gonna go bananas, on the moon!" I yell as I click a button, sending Arcadunutso out the building by the spring of his chair. Fluttershy is wide eyed as she watches this. "Don't worry, I was too lazy to build one on yours, that and since you're my first guest star, I'll treat you nicely," I explain. Fluttershy nods, still watching the hole in the ceiling.
"A-alright," she whispers.
"Okie dokie, so today's lesson is on the quiet side of waifus, under the dandere section. I'll call them the Fluttershys in honor of you," I say. "A Fluttershy will most likely be hard to find in big crowds," a picture of a crowd of Fluttershys in a street appear on the tv. "Think you can find her? Take a look," I say. A few seconds go by before a buzzard goes off. "You failed viewer, the Fluttershy was here!" I exclaim, pointing to one Fluttershy near the center with a sign on her head saying 'Fluttershy'. "Fluttershy comes from the root words, flut and ershy. Flut means quiet lovely. Ershy means secretly the devil." The picture changes to a picture of Fluttershy wearing horns. Fluttershy gasps. "But, the last part is a misnomer, which means Fluttershys are loveable, and won't stab you in the back," I say. A picture of Fluttershy hugging a big fricken bear appears. Fluttershy smiles. "Also, it actually means she'll rely on you for everything and they will hypnotize you with cuteness. Example one," I show a picture of Fluttershy giving the stare to a guy with pizza. "She is using the hard cuteness tactic. There are three tactics, hard cuteness, lovable cuteness, and death cuteness," I finish, showing a pitcure of the guy dying in a hospital bed with a heart moniter beside him. A clipboard on his chest says: Too Celestial damn cute. Fluttershy gasps.
"I-I'm pretty sure that never happened!" She quietly exclaims. I nod. "Gary, you've experienced it right? Let's test it on you," I say. He sighs and leaves the camera and walks onto the set with the most bored expression ever. "Fluttershy, do the cute," I say. She looks at the camera and sighs. Her pupils expand, she smiled a little like a kitty, sat on her haunches with her front hooves up, and positioned her ears down. I have on shades while stupid Gary went wide eyed.
"Urk!" He yelps before falling over side ways cluching his chest. I nod my head.
"True Facts."
"Is he gonna be okay?" Fluttershy asks, poking him.
"Of course he will, he's Gary, he'll never die knowing I'd get his pay check," I say. I look down at the twitching and possibly-having-a-heart-attack Gary. "See, he's moving," I say. I pick him up and flew to the camera. "Here you go." I positioned his body to be leaning on the camera. I took his front right hoof and stuck it in his nose before going back to my seat. "Alright. So Fluttershy, do you think there's a way to stop something like that?" I ask. She shook her head. "Oh, okay then," I turn my head to the camera. "Fluttershys are most commonly found in alleyways, crowds, and houses they broke into." I stopped and took a long sip of my hard apple cider. "One way of finding a Fluttershy is mentioning bears. Speaking of bears, do you think me and Gary will win Oscars?" I ask Fluttershy.
"What's that have to do with bears?" She asks.
"You know, like Gentle Ben," I say. The tv quickly shows a picture of a bear eating a fish. Fluttershy's pupils dilate at the sight. "Gentle Ben starred in many movies, along with Silly Drunk," I continue while the tv shows a stallion dressed up as a pirate with a big black ship. "Gentle Ben, Oscars, Silly Drunk, Oscars, Drunk, Oscars, Oscars, big freaking bear, awards," a pause went through the room. "... And Silly Drunk. Wonder how they made a name like Jack Sparrow, rather ridiculous if you ask me," I say. I then sigh as I look at the time. "Oops, we're almost out of time, alright guys, so the question of today is: when you talk to a Fluttershy do you, A: ask if she's a tree, B: ask for some lovin, C: ask her name and keep asking, or D: be the asshole who says f you and gets beaten up by our next guest star!" I say. I pull out a crystal toy. "This lesson was sponsored by Princess Cadence and Crystal Production. Now without further ado," I pull out a sucker punch gun. "This is what I'm reduced to after last episode, oh well, I have the best aim with this!" I say as I aim. I shot and punched Gary off the camera.
"You missed," Fluttershy says.
"No I didn't, I hit Gary, now for the camera!" I exclaim as I pulled the trigger. The camera was punched with cracks on the glass.
Lessons On Your Pony Waifu
Hi, I'm Bonebeat, by now you may have heard of me, I give true facts about your pony waifu! Where did it all start you may ask, it all started in Ponyville. Princess Cadance was searching the town when she saw me, a yellow bat pony with a red vest, fedora, and my shades. She pulled me aside to tell me I have a new job.
"Hello, what's your name?" She asks. I look at her in surprise.
"My name's Bonebeat," I say warily, unsure of why a princess just pulled me aside.
"I have a job for you, Luna said you may not have a job right now?" She asks. I nod and she smiles. "Great! Now, come with me!" She says. As quickly as this was going, my thoughts were still processing what's happening. "Alright, basically, I need you to read out the paper, and once you run out of words, just improvise, keep going for five minutes," she said. I nodded slowly and looked at the paper she gave me. It says: True facts about your waifu with Bonebeat. That's literally all it says. All of a sudden, I'm teleported to a room that is padded with sound pads to block out sound from the inside. Cadance's face is on the other side of a panel of glass in front of me. I just panicked as the three numbers sounded.
"Three, two, one," Cadance. said before gesturing her hoof to me. I quickly smiled and went with the flow.
"Hi everyone, my name is Bonebeat, and this is: True Facts about your Pony Waifu, starring yours truly, Bonebeat," I say. I leaned in close. "That's me," I quickly say. I return to my first position and started saying whatever comes to mind. "I'm a recently hired bat pony, hired by princess Cadance herself in order to... Um, do stuff," I say. "Of course, it was extremely sudden too, who knew getting a couple of stuff from grocery stores was so hard," I continue. "If you have seen my life you'd say bullcrap and that I'm a crappy pony," I say randomly. At this point I have no idea what to do so I kept on yakking. "I remember when I was a colt and the sun was going down, my momma would say shut up, you're stupid and continue her karaoke night with dad who would play pool with bones... I think I know where I got my name now... Anyway, so then I'd giggle at the spoopies and laugh all the way till I'd cry... Which was a rather horrible experience that I don't ever wanna experience again and thanks to you I have. Why the hell can't I be normal?" I ask. I look over at Cadance, who was nodding with approval. I'm not trying to make her laugh, I'm just trying to get through this! "Well, I think I just did terribly for first impressions so bye forever everyone!" I finish off. I put my hooves over my snout in utter embarrassment. "I cannot believe what I just did," I say to myself. Cadance was clapping in the next room and came in with a smile.
"Good job Bonebeat! You did great!" She says. I pause and look up at her.
"Heh?" I ask. She giggles and drags me to a recording room where a single pony was holding a camera at a properly dressed pony.
"Seriously, get the hell on with it," he says. "Your lips are like, one mile per hour. Also, I don't know half the crap you say dude!" He says. I tilt my head in interest about this pony. He has a dark green coat with grey hair, which morphs into black at the tips. He has a headset on and his flank has a headset for a cutie mark.
"My word! You are stupendously ignorant! I am taking my time drinking tea with my biscuits!" The gentlecolt says. I roll my eyes at the proper one.
"Yeah, guess who's able to edit this crap genius," Green pony says. Cadance rushes in at the scene.
"Hi Rec, I see you're doing good! Um, don't you think you're a little pushy?" She asks. Rec shrugs and stops recording.
"Meh," he says. I walk up to meet this stranger, although, I don't really want to.
As we sat down in a triangle, Rec Gary was drinking coffee, I drank extra hard apple cider, and Cadance drank tea. Rec wants me to call him Gary, and I did so. "So, Princess Cadance, why are we here?" I ask. Gary nods.
"Well, I am the princess of love, and I have multiple ways of making someone love their wife or husband, and I teach many lessons for types of love or ponies," she says. I nod my head. "Now, because love is starting to be rare, I need to do one or the other, and I need both!" She says. Gary nods. "So, I hired you two to teach the different kinds ponies and love!" She says. Me and Gary nod at the same time. "Will you do it?" She asks us both.
"Of course I will, I have nothing to do," I say. Cadance smiles.
"Neither do I, so sure," he says. Cadance grabs us both.
"Great! In that case, you need to go ahead and get started!" She says. "You have twenty minutes," she says.