"Fuck it's cold!" Ryan yelled to the heavens as he trudged through the snow, his face beat red from the assault of the icy white death that swarmed him. "My nipples could cut diamonds!"

"I highly doubt that to be physically possible." Twilight added matter-of-factly as she lead the way to Sweet Apple Acres. "After all of the tests we've gone through, I can easily deduce that there isn't a single part of your body hard enough to even breach a diamonds surface."

Ow...My pride

Ryan stopped in his tracks, his eyes going wide before continuing to follow the purple mare while glaring daggers at the back of her head. "I know you're being purely scientific about this, but I feel like that was a jab at my ego."

At first Twilight was confused, but after thinking back on how Ryan thought and processed things, she was able to figure out how he could have taken what she said the wrong way. "Well, going back to scientific analysis, that wouldn't be able to do much to a diamond either."

"Hey!" He snapped, sounding as if she had offended him. "You leave Jeffery out of this! He's strong in his own way..."

Twilight couldn't help but roll her eyes at his comment. "Why did you have to name it? That's so weird."

"Every guy names their penis." He responded in a tone that made it sound like he was pointing out the most obvious thing in the world. "That's common sense."

"I don't know a single pony, other than you, that has given their phallus a name." Twilight added, refusing to back down from her part of the argument.

"That is complete bullshit." Ryan shot back, "I know for a fact that you and Big Mac are acquainted. His is called The Big Apple."

Twilight scrunched her face in disgust, "Okay, I really didn't need to know that."

"You really did!"

Twilight simply huffed at him as they finally came upon the farm, making their way up to the door where the mare knocked several times. Seconds passed until the door finally opened to reveal a tall, bulky, red stallion with an almost orange mane.

Big Mac looked over the two with a smile before making an assumption of why they were here. "Sorry Twilight, but Applejack ain't here right now." He said in a strong but smooth voice. "She's in Manehattan makin a delivery."

Twilight waved a dismissive hand at Big Mac. "Oh, I'm not looking for Applejack. I'm just here to drop off Ryan." She said, motioning to the human with her other hand. "He wanted to come visit but keeps getting lost every time he goes out on his own."

It's not my fault that our compass is still set to human!

"How's it goin', Big Apple?" Ryan greeted with a small wave.

Big Mac just smirked, crossing his arms as he leaned against the door frame. "Not too bad, Little Jeffery."

Ow...

"Oi, fuck off!" The human retorted, "Not everyone can be hung like a wool mammoth!"

And that'll be my queue to leave." Twilight said with a large blush on her face.

"You two play nice." She continued as she began her trek back home, turning around one last time to face them with a serious gaze. "Ryan, no shenanigans."

Ryan lifted both hands, raising the middle finger of both of them at her as she walked on before turning his attention back to Mac. "So...wanna get fucked up?"

The two shared a smile and made their way into the apple cellar, pulling out hidden bottles of hard cider and going to town on them. As they drank they told stories back and forth, Ryan being the one to speak most of the time.

Big Mac just wasn't a very talkative stallion. Ryan didn't mind that at all. He was a good drinking buddy, he could keep a secret, and he was the only male that he seemed to get along with. Which was mildly surprising seeing how the stallion once walked in on him plowing his sister, Applejack.

Ryan was sure that the toned brute would snap him in half, instead they started talking and somehow he managed to weasel his way out of a beating. Granted, he had to say that Applejack was his number one priority and basically lie through his teeth about how he was planning to marry her when the time was right.

Mac called him out on his false promise and went on about how he had done something similar when he was a colt. Rather than this leading to some sort of blood feud, they bonded.

While Big Mac wasn't a stallion of many words, he did like to speak every now and again. After getting to know Ryan, he learned that he could trust him enough to share a few tales and reminisce on the past. Despite the obvious differences between them, they were a lot alike.

Ryan had explained the many scenarios he grew up in, from living in the sewers and under bridges all the way to rich kid status and even some farming in between.

Simply put, they were able to tolerate each other enough to form a decent friendship. Mac did learn a few of Ryan's odd quirks over time. For example, when he needed a place to stay a few weeks back after his house burned down, they shared a bed for a couple of days.

As it turns out, Ryan was a bit of a cuddler.

Big Mac woke up in the middle of the night to find Ryan's furless arm draped around him. Despite the stallions superior strength, he couldn't seem to break free from the human's vice-like grip and ended up stuck in that position until two in the morning. This happened pretty much every night and he eventually just accepted it.

Back to the cellar; The two were sitting on their own empty barrels, passing a bottle of cider between them as Ryan started up another story about one of the many rather 'hysterical' things that happened to him.

"So dude looks at me, holding this can of spray on oil, or something." Ryan explained, his hand held out and curled to look like he was holding on to something. "Then he says, 'I dare you to spray this on your dick and light it on fire.'"

Big Mac took a swig from the bottle before shooting Ryan a disapproving look while shaking his head. "No..."

Ryan paused, his mouth hanging open a bit as he tried to speak. "I-I aint no bitch! So I took the can, sprayed down my crotch, and fuckin' ignited it." The stallion wore a pained expression, as if he could feel the burning sensation on himself. "They lost their shit, man. They were freaking the fuck out, just screaming at me; 'Put it out! Put it out!' And you know what I did?"

Mac shot Ryan a curious glance.

"I told them to fuck off, I liked it."

Again, Mac nodded his head disapprovingly. "Anypony ever tell you that ya need yer head examined?"

"My Aunt, my uncle, my great grandmother." He replied, "My family was looking for a reason to get rid of me."

Big Mac's expression suddenly went serious. "That ain't right."

"What?"

"Trying to get rid of family." He explained, "It's just wrong. You can't go throwin' out yer kin like some kind of trash. Yer supposed to look out for one another and protect them."

Ryan gave him a snarky look. "Good luck with that. My family despises pretty much all of their relatives. Way I see it, blood don't make you family."

Now Big Mac looked even more curious than anything. "Then what does make a family?"

"Loyalty." Ryan said without hesitation, holding out his hand to Mac. The bottle was handed over to the human and he took a large gulp. "Whether you're blood or not simply doesn't cut it. It's irrelevant. You can only be a real family if you have undying loyalty and would do anything for that person or persons."

"Do you consider me family?" Big Mac asked almost nervously.

Without a second to spare, Ryan had his reply ready. "You've managed to make your way into my 'Best Friend' circle, alright. Don't push your luck."

That was enough to earn a smile from the stocky stallion.

"I wouldn't hold onto that title proudly though." Ryan added, "I nearly strangled the last one and for no good reason."

Before the conversation could continue, the sound of the cellar door creaking open caught their attention, causing them to angle their heads at the entrance. It wasn't long until an elderly green mare came into view, her silver mane reflecting the small bit of light within the underground area.

"So this is where you two have been hidin'?" She said with a bit of a playful attitude. It didn't take long for her to see the bottle Ryan was holding in his hands. "Don't yall be drinkin all of that there cider. Them bottles are supposed to be sold."

"Yes, Granny." Big Mac and Ryan replied in unison.

Granny Smith smiled warmly at them, "Come on inside now you two. I got an apple pie fresh outta the oven just waiting to eaten."

Ryan looked over at Mac, raising a hand with his thumb angled at the mare. "See, that right there is family."

The group exited the cellar, Ryan still clinging to the cider bottle they had gotten started on. Unknown to Granny Smith, this was the fourth bottle. The empty ones they had already consumed were safely hidden inside of the supposedly empty barrels.

Upon entering the house they were graced with the sight of the adorable filly, Apple Bloom, carrying the steaming pastry onto the table. Behind her was Applejack, who was setting down several plates and silverware.

Apple Bloom caught sight of them as they came in, a smile instantly forming on her face.

"Ryan!" She yelled, tackling the human to the ground in the blink of an eye and holding him in a spine breaking hug. Her head soon angled toward her older brother. "Big Mac, why didn't you tell us Ryan was here?"

Not getting any air up here, dude!

Ryan tried to vocalize his lack of oxygen intake, but all he could manage to get out were a series of choking sounds. This was enough of a sign to Apple Bloom that she should probably let go of the poor thing.

She removed herself from the struggling human, allowing him to sit up and gasp like he had been holding his breath for the climax of a terrible movie.

Fuck, did you spill the cider?

Ryan's face instantly became filled with dread as he looked over the half empty bottle in his hands. He hadn't spilled any of it, prompting him to let out a relieved sigh.

Apple Bloom offered him an apologetic smile, which he responded to by flicking her on the snoot.

Applejack laughed a bit at them. "That's enough, you two. Come on over here and have some pie."

Ryan pulled himself back onto his feet, giving AJ a questioning look as he took a seat at the table. "Aren't you supposed to be in Manehattan?"

"I was," She responded from her seat right across from him. "but the owner I made the delivery to was kind enough to get me a ride back home via Pegasus."

"Oh..." He said.

Don't do it

The family sat in silence as Granny Smith sliced up the pie and started handing the pieces out.

Don't do it

Ryan picked up his fork, stabbing at the pie a few times

Fuck it, I'm bored. Do it!

Ryan glanced up at Applejack, waiting for her eyes to meet his. "So who was the one doing the riding, you or the Pegasus?"

In that moment, it was almost like a priest had stubbed his toe and yelled 'Fuck' in a church. All that could be heard was the clinging of forks dropping onto plate and a snorty chuckle from Apple Bloom.

Granny Smith on the other hand seemed to be lost in her own little world.

Ryan bit down on both of his lips, doing his best to keep a straight face. Big Mac was stuck in a similar position. The look that the human was receiving from Applejack just made it so much more enjoyable.

The cowpony just stared at him for what felt like hours before finally speaking. "Ah don't even know how to respond to that..."

WIN!!!

"Are you sure you can't stay?" Apple Bloom asked pleadingly. She looked like she was about to be brought to tears by the human's departure. "It's not like you haven't before."

Ryan placed a hand on her head, ruffling her mane some. "Calm down, child. You act you're never gonna see me again."

Almost instantly the watery look in her eyes vanished. "Dang, I thought that would work."

"You can't fool me that easily." He said with a knowing smirk. She had tried the teary eyed stare on him once or twice before, so he knew better. "But, I got my own house and I plan on using it."

"Fine." The filly huffed in defeat, wrapping her arms around Ryan's waist as her final goodbye before heading off back into the house.

Applejack walked out from behind the door, offering Ryan a warm smile. "You know you're more than welcome to stay here if you'd like."

"Sweet Christ, not you too."

The orange mare gave him a punch in the arm, causing him to stumble a bit. "Shut up, ya vermin. " She said with a laugh. "Come on, what's the harm in one night?"

Ryan gave her an 'Eh, I don't know' kind of look, to which she responded by fluttering her lashes at him. "You could always stay in mah room if ya like."

His head locked in place as his eyes started going up and down her body.

No, you can't let her win! You must resist!

He tried, he tried so hard not to fall for her charms. While the others weren't looking, she lifted her shirt, exposing her toned midsection and her bra clad breasts to him. She knew his weakness....

"God dammit, I hate you." He lazily breathed out.

"It's better than standin' outside of Fluttershy's window and having nothin'." She added.

Okay, that one stung...

Author's Note

Yeah, that's right! He's a whore, he's a dick, and he's plowing almost every mare he can get his hands on...In short, I made him a lot more like me :P
Y'all can thank Dundundun for this chapter being posted so early. Happy birthday, buddy!
Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. If you did, feel free to slap that LIKE button like a bitch! SHare this story with your friends and leave a comment below, comments make me feel special.