Sometimes you wake up feeling like a million bits, ready to take on the world and anything else that may dare to challenge you. You're full of energy, power, and there's nothing that could ever bring you down. Other days, you wake up feeling much less...enthusiastic.

You look at yourself in the mirror, negative thoughts corrupting your mind. You feel weak, tired, and very vulnerable. As you gaze upon yourself, the only thing that comes to mind is, 'Whelp, might as well kill myself. It'd be a hell of a lot easier than dealing with this shit'.

Then there are other times; which may happen more frequently than one would care to admit. When you wake up to something so obnoxious that the only thoughts that come to mind are ones of a homicidal nature. These thoughts in particular were beginning to overwhelm a certain, frustrated human as he watched two mares fighting in his living room.

"You stole my cuddle-buddy!" An almost annoyingly high-pitched voice rang, the normally bubbly pink mare holding the other in an arm bar. With a grip like steel, she held the appendage, pulling on it with all her might.

Unwillingly unleashing a pained grunt, Rainbow started flapping her wings, lifting both her and Pinkie off of the ground before dropping down, making sure her friend hit the floor first. "Just because we're dating, that doesn't mean you can't cuddle!"

Pinkie suddenly released her, pressing her nose against the pegasus' with a hopeful smile. "Naked cuddles?"

It took Rainbow Dash a second to process that. "What? No!" She all but yelled, her face contorting in anger. "He's my coltfriend, you can't be naked together!"

Pinkie's smile quickly dropped as she tackled Dash and they rolled across the floor. "I'll drown you in cotton candy!"

As the scuffle continued, the two tying themselves up in a pretzel-like fashion, Ryan rose from his seat and pointed to the door with his thumbs. "I'm gonna go ahead and fuck off in that direction." He said, not bothering to offer them a glance as he made his way out of the house. "Break my shit and I break your legs."

The two either hadn't heard the human, or were simply ignoring him as he left. Either way, it only served to make his life a little easier. It seemed to stop raining as well! What did he do deserve such kindness from the unspoken gods of this land?

With a tired sigh he walked grumpily into town, going through the events in his head. Everything was fine at first; He and Dash were screwing around, Pinkie popped up ~~and scared the piss outta both of them~~, and tried to join in. That's when Dash finally broke the news to the poofy pink maniac, apparently hiding their relationship from her for some reason, although he now understood why, and then all hell broke loose.

Trudging along, lost in his own thoughts, Ryan didn't think anything was going to make his day better. It started off pretty good, but after all of that, he wanted nothing more than to-

Oh my God...

Ryan came to an abrupt stop, his body frozen, his eyes sparkling at the sight. Never before did he think such majesty would ever grace his sight. It was if the man upstairs himself had heard the poor human's torment and mental anguish, sending forth the most magnificent creation to ever walk this land in response.

It's beautiful...

In the distance, there was Twilight, talking her head off, as per usual. But the sight that had caused him to fall into such a state wasn't her, nor the elderly unicorn walking by her side. No!

Instead, it was the curly locks that rested upon the older pony's chin. It's thickness outweighed even the heaviest of materials, the duality of its tones as captivating as a beam of light shining down from the heavens, it's glory greater than the multitude of universes crossing each other in harmony!

"I must say, Princess Sparkle, I am quite impressed with your research." Starswirl complimented with a smile, earning a blush from the over-excited alicorn. "Detailed, thorough, and not a single step is missed. You remind me much of myself at your age."

Twilight squealed in delight, shaking her head and clearing her throat shortly after to regain her composure. "Thank you so much, Starswirl." She said, barely holding herself together. "You have no idea how happy that makes me. And it means so much that you agreed to stop by Ponyville again before your trip."

"Well, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll-" Starswirl fell silent as he noticed his traveling companion staring, not at him, but past him. "Is something the matter?"

Just as the old unicorn went to turn his head, Twilight grabbed it, forcing him to look in her direction. "I'm really sorry about this, but I'm gonna need you to remain perfectly calm."

An odd shiver ran down Starswirl's spine, both at her words, and an odd feeling he suddenly got. "Princess Twilight, just tell me what is wrong and I will-"

"BEARD!!!" A voice boomed from behind him.

"Ryan, no!" A burst of purple magic shot out from her horn, encasing the two of them in a magical barrier. A loud thump echoed through their confined space, a pained groan being the only thing to breach its tough surface.

Twilight dropped the spell, releasing her idol's head in the process as she stared at the collapsed human, holding his forehead, just a few inches from them. "What have I told you about charging ponies like that?"

"Eat a dick, book horse!" Ryan yelled from the ground, finally earning his senpai's attention.

Twilight walked around him, standing in between the stallion and the human. "I'm terribly sorry about that, Starswirl. My friend here tends to get a little excited around certain ponies."

Starswirl stared at the creature pulling itself off of the ground, his jaw hanging in awe at the sight as he pushed past the princess. "Faust above." He muttered to no pony in particular. "What is this strange creature?"

Twilight walked beside Starswirl, eyeing Ryan, who was massaging his head to relieve the headache he likely had from charging face-first into a barrier. "Starswirl, this is one of my friends." She began, "His name is Ryan, he's not from Equestria, or this universe from that matter."

Ryan's eyes rolled around in their sockets at random. Shaking his head, he was able to stabilize himself just long enough to find his target from earlier. His eyes seemed to glaze over as he stared back at the tidal waves of facial hair that decorated this wonderful stallion's features.

"Absolutely marvelous!" Starswirl said to himself, now circling the human and poking random parts of his body. "It's body resembles that of ponyfolk almost identically, minus the obvious." He said with a bit of glee. "I've never seen such a thing in all of my travels."

"You say it's not from this world?" Starswirl asked, shooting a curious look at Twilight.

Twilight nodded, confirming her earlier statement. "He's from another universe where his race is the dominant species; They're called humans."

"Hue-mans." Starswirl repeated, the foreign word feeling odd as it rolled off of his tongue. His attention shot back to Ryan, not noticing the odd look he was receiving. "Well, hue-man, would you mind if I asked you some questions? Maybe took a few tests?"

"Dude, you can smack my ass and call me your bitch for all I care." Ryan said, causing the two ponies to flinch slightly from his word choice. "Just let me touch your beard."

Twilight grabbed Ryan with her magic, lifting him as he went to manhandle the pony's wonderful chin hairs. "As you can see, they are more open with colorful language, thinking it to be more humorous than anything else." She explained a little faster than she would have liked while the human flailed around in her magical hold. "This one in particular also has an unhealthy fascination with copious amounts of facial hair. So much so, that he's been banned from every beard trimmers shop in Ponyville."

"I see..." Starswirl commented somewhat awkwardly before hearing a loud whistle in the distance. "Is that the-"

"Yes, that's the train." Twilight, once again, confirmed.

Starswirl let out a sigh at this. "Such a shame, I was looking forward to studying that hue-man." He said almost sadly, perking back up in the blink of an eye. "Oh well, I can always stop by again later."

"If you'd like-" Twilight began, levitating several notebooks from...somewhere and holding them out to him. "I have a few notes on his species, their habits, and some of the various cultures in his world. I wouldn't mind letting you have them."

Starswirl stared at her with wide eyes, reaching out to grab the notebooks from her hold. "I don't know what to say, Princess." He started, looking shocked from her generosity. "I don't think I can accept such a gift. All of your work-"

"It's fine." Twilight said, waving a dismissive hand at him. "I have several copies of my notes back at home."

Starswirl smiled at this. "A filly after my own heart." He said with a chuckle.

Twilight blushed at this, offering him a smile of her own. Both of which vanished as she heard the struggling human grunting behind her, quickly noticing his hand stretching down in an attempt to reach the stallion in front of her.

A groan escaped Twilight's throat as she levitated the human further back, putting her smile back on. "It's been a pleasure meeting you, Starswirl."

"The pleasure is all mine." He replied, sliding the notebooks into his cloak. "I'll be sure to stop by soon for a visit." Without further exchange, Starswirl's horn became alight; There was a bright flash, and like that, he was gone.

Twilight let out an almost dreamy sigh as she watched Starswirl, the pony she idolized, almost worshiped, vanish before her eyes.

"God dammit!" Ryan yelled, anger and disappointment evident in his tone. "Put me down already, you fucking-" He was cut off by his own yelp as the magical aura surrounding him vanished, causing his body to fall rather painfully to the ground. "Ow..."

Being reminded of the human's existence, Twilight turned around to face him with a glare. "What in the hay were you thinking?" She asked with a hint of venom. "Are you trying to embarass me!?"

Ryan shot up off of the ground at a speed that caused the young alicorn to jump back. "But the beard on that guy, Twilight!" He yelled, reaching out and grabbing her by the shoulders. "The beard!" He continued to shout, shaking her as he did so.

Twilight shoved him off of her as she let out a growl. "You're incorrigible!" She snapped, turning around to leave. "You're lucky he's fascinated by your species, or I'd teleport you to the bottom of a lake."

"What crawled up your ass this morning?" Ryan asked, following her for no specific reason. "If anyone should be mad here, it's me. Two of your psychotic friends are about to tear down my house with the others body."

Twilight hummed with a lack of interest, "And I'm supposed to believe that it isn't your fault, right?"

"It was Dash this time, I swear!" Ryan defended, earning a disbelieving glare from the alicorn. "Seriously! She never told Pinkie we were a thing and now they're in an all out brawl on my living room floor."

"Sounds like a personal problem." Twilight responded, stopping at a nearby stall and smiling at the owner. "Two please."

"No, a personal problem would be more like me asking you to help with my angular issues." Ryan said matter-of-factly. "Dash and Pinkie are both of our friends, therefore it should fall on both of us to work it out."

"Angular issue?" Grabbing two small bags of strawberries, Twilight handed over a few bits, thanking the pony before walking away again.

"Ol' Jeffery aint been the same since that bitch stepped on him." Ryan reminisced, staying in pursuit of Twilight. "Fucker's got a gangster lean now."

"Okay, I really didn't need to know that!" Twilight all but yelled in disgust.

"You really did!" Ryan shot back, "Now are you gonna help me, or are we gonna let them kill each other?"

Twilight came to a stop, letting out another growl, this one being louder than the last. "Why can't you do it?" She asked, finally turning back too meet the human's gaze. "It's your house they're destroying, your marefriend, so it's your problem!"

"You know exactly how I handle my problems!" Ryan snapped, using air quotes as he said 'my'. "That being said, it's gonna end one of two ways. Either I'm gonna get shit-faced and let them duke it out, or I'm tying them to the bed and setting that fucking place on fire!"

Two houses in under two months? You're on a roll!

Twilight flinched a bit at his choice of words, seeing just how serious he was as she looked into the dual abysmal pits that were his eyes. "A-alright! Okay, I'll help you."

Changing her direction, she started for the human's house. However, she stopped when she noticed a lack of a secondary life form by her side. Turning her head, she spotted Ryan walking the other direction. "I thought it was supposed to fall on both of us to stop them!"

"It was until you sassed me!" Ryan yelled, continuing to go elsewhere.

Twilight rolled her eyes before continuing her journey to fix another one of Ryan's screw-ups.

Not knowing what to do with the remainder of his day, Ryan made a beeline for the not-so-secret bar hidden in town. He didn't know what time it was, but as the saying goes, 'It's five o'clock somewhere'. So, with sober determination, he made his way there, taking a seat at the counter. Hard to believe that he was in here just the other night with all that's happened. Well, hard for him, at least.

Tapping on the counter, the server noticed him and grabbed his usual drink. Filling the glass with his preferred drink, the bar pony slid it over to him.

Ryan caught the beverage, taking a quick drink from it to ease his nerves. He stayed there in silence for a good while, sipping from his drink and requesting refills respectively. Several ponies came in and left, but the numbers within stayed relatively small.

With that in mind, he didn't notice when a mare all but kicked down the door. He soon felt a hand on his shoulder before looking to his side, spotting a bruised and displeased Rainbow Dash taking the seat next to him.

Ryan raised a brow at her, reaching out to grab his drink. "You look like hell." He commented, taking another sip from his glass. "Twilight straighten you two out?"

Dash let out an annoyed sigh, "More or less..."

Ryan nodded approvingly, "So how'd that go?"

"I think Pinkie took the hint." The bartender set down a glass for his marefriend, which she happily took and chugged down.

Ryan looked over her, noticing that she was still on edge about something. Normally, after getting her point across, her cocky nature would make her a lot more peppy. "You don't seem that happy about it."

"I am." She said, sounding aggravated.

"Then what's got you all fucked up?" Ryan asked, curious as to why she looked ready to strangle someone.

Dash let out another sigh, placing an arm against the counter and letting her head rest in her hand. "I got a letter from my parents today."

Ryan waited for her to continue, but when she didn't, he pressed. "Go on..."

"They want to meet you..." She said in a somewhat defeated tone.

"...so..."

"It's just that..." Dash paused to let out a huff. "They're my parents, and I love them to death, but..."

"But~" He pressed again, trying to figure out what the issue was.

"I guess you'll see when we get there." Dash said, setting down a few bits on the counter before grabbing the human and dragging him out of the bar.

"Wait, right now?"

"I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible." Rainbow Dash explained a little faster than she'd like to admit. "I'd also like to avoid bumping into Pinkie for a little while too."

"I thought you said Twilight took care of that!" Ryan said, slightly annoyed by her dragging him out of his favorite place, aside from his home; Which he was technically forced to leave as well.

Dash came to a stop, offering the human a certain look. "It's Pinkie..."

Ryan paused as well to think that through for a second. "Good point. Let's get the fuck out of here."

Ryan looked over the edge of the basket, staring down at the small town below him as the burner ignited, lifting the balloon higher into the air. "Damn, why didn't I think of this when I was trying to off myself?" There was a sharp pain in his shoulder as his marefriend's fist connected with him. "Ow, bitch!"

"Don't talk like that!" Rainbow snapped, looking out toward the floating city made of clouds. She hated when he brought that night up, especially when he tried to make a joke out of it. Letting those thought go, she changed the topic. "You remember our deal, right?"

"I laugh, I get punched." Ryan said, rubbing his now sore shoulder. "Yeah, I got it."

"Did you drink the cloud-walking potion?"

"Yes, mom." Dash rolled her eyes at his statement. "Speaking of, who the hell are we supposed to be meeting?"

Rainbow reached into her back pocket, pulling out a wallet. Opening it, she dug around and pulled out a photo of her parents, handing it over to him. "That's them; My mom's name is Windy Whistles. Dad's is Bow Hothoof."

Ryan had to hold back a laugh. Her mom's name made her sound like she was part of that weird fart porn or something. Grabbing the photo, he looked it over, nearly swallowing his tongue in the process. Coughing a bit, he pressed a fist to his chest, panting a bit as he handed her the photo back.

Mama-Mia!

"What's wrong?" Dash asked with a bit of concern, taking the photo and placing it back in it's place before putting her wallet back as well. "Are you alright there, big guy?"

Ryan nodded, "Yep, just swallowing down my boner is all."

Rainbow suddenly looked offended, for god only knows what reason. "Excuse me!?"

You're a fucking idiot!

Ryan couldn't do anything but offer a sheepish grin as he looked for a way out of this little predicament. Looking to the side, his eyes widened in horror. "Incoming!"

Rainbow's anger suddenly vanished as panic forced her to follow his gaze, only to find nothing but the open sky and approaching city. Turning her head back to face him, she noticed a distinct lack of her alien boyfriend. "What the???" She went over to the side he was standing on, looking down to find him sitting on the every edge of Cloudsdale. "You mother-"

How he got lucky enough to land on the beginnings of the city was a mystery to the slightly dazed human. The clouds took most of the impact, making it a lot less painful than it probably should have been.

Your luck is about to run out, buddy! Better haul ass!

Without further hesitation, Ryan got back to his feet and started running with no specific direction in mind. Much to his dismay, Pegasi are OP as fuck and she was hot on his tail. Having abandoned the hot air balloon and taken to using her wings, Dash was able to catch up to him without breaking a sweat.

Looking back, Ryan got to watch as the angry, gay pride flag tackled him face first into the cloudy surface. He could at least be happy by the lack of pain that came with landing on clouds again, but only because he knew just how much the next part was going to hurt.

Luckily, some deity seemed to be watching over him today.

Rainbow Dash stopped her assault before it could begin as the sound of a door opening caught her attention. Angling her neck to face the source, a blush quickly spreading on her face, she spotted the two ponies she dreaded seeing.

Surprised by the lack of beating, but also not complaining either, Ryan looked up. Once again swallowing hard at the sight. "Okay...I guess it doesn't want to go down this time..."

All blood-flow has been directed south of the border!

Author's Note

Another one of those chapters where I couldn't think of a plot, so I just started typing and waited to see if it was any good...That's all I really got for you, I just thought 'Screw it, bring on the fuckery!' And now this is a two-parter...The fuck am I even doing!?